The River 1.5 - Peaches

I watched episode 5 a week or so ago but I've only just gotten round to typing up the review. So here it is...

This episode focuses on Lena more than previous episodes. Apparently the rest of the crew forget that she's looking for her father, Russ, too. The crew of the Magus continue their search for Emmet Cole. Jonas (Scott Michael Foster) tells them that he was searching for "The Source" and went off looking for people who knew where it was. Later, he flirts with Lena. I would say that this would annoy Lincoln but from what we've seen so far, he's a robot and incapable of displaying emotions. The evening is interrupted when another ship starts coming towards them. They try to signal it but to no avail and the two vessels collide. The Magus is beached and the other ship vanishes. Emilio tells them they need new parts and Tess starts broadcasting SOS messages. The next day, Jonas shows Lena an interview with her father where he tells her how proud of her he is. Finally, Tess' efforts pay off as someone replies to their calls for help. Kurt advocates caution as they meet them - four environmentalists. In return for a donation, they provide them with spare parts. Once again, Jahel looks suspicious. I wonder if they're evil and magical?

Unfortunately, they don't have any information about Emmet but Tess invites them to stay for dinner anyway. Jonas tries to get Lena to open up about Lincoln but she's not interested. He turns his camera onto their ship, the Exodus and notices what looks like people below deck. Onboard the Magus meanwhile, everyone is eating and drinking and having a jolly good time. All except for Kurt, who is suspicious and heads to the video room where he sees footage of two of the men talking about getting the crew onto their boat. He grabs a gun and prepares to confront them. When he gets one of them alone, he questions him and is forced to shoot him. The man falls down but grabs Kurt and throws him across the room. Told you they were evil and magical. Meanwhile, Lena and Jonas have ventured across to the other boat. They descend into the hold and find a locked door, behind which is... her father! Kurt is thrown in with them and the door slams shut. Russ (Lee Tergesen) tells them what they are: they are dead and the Exodus is a ghost ship. When a new person is captured and brought below, one of the dead can leave. If they stay on the ship past sunrise, they are doomed.

One of the ghost-people-things then tells Tess that they have better maps on the Exodus and invites her to come aboard. As they go across, Lincoln asks Clark where everyone is and teases him about Lena and Jonas having sex. Tess goes on board the Exodus and is captured. Finally, the rest of the crew realises that something's up. But, too late! The Exodus has vanished. Russ tells them that Emmet became obsessed with "The Source". He ventured off further but Russ refused to go with him. Meanwhile, Jonas has rigged up his camera to broadcast back to the Magus and they are able to track the signal. With literally minutes till sunrise, Jahel guides Lincoln to the Exodus and tells him to take flares on board with him. Kurt manages to force the door open and the rescue team arrive and, striking flares, they force the ghost-people-things back and into the hold. It's then that Russ tells his daughter that he can't go with her - he's one of them and he's already dead. Lincoln pulls Lena away as her father and the rest of them go up in flames. The episode ends on archive footage of the two of them, which is dedicated to his character's memory.

Wow, a decent episode! The usual "find something magic, defeat it" formula is repeated but the ghost-people-things are a good idea and what's more, they're done well and there are a few good jumps. Turning the focus away from Linoln and onto Lena is a very good move. She's a much more likeable character and Eloise Mumford is a much better actor than Joe Anderson. All in all, not a bad offering.

6 out of 10.

Game of Thrones Season 1 Recap

I thought about doing an episode-by-episode summary of the first series of Game of Thrones but decided that would take far too long. My next thought was to do a House-by-House summary but I was half-way through what happened House Stark when I realised it would take just as long! Instead, I settled on a character-by-character summary (organised by House). Here we go...

House Stark

Ned Stark

The Lord of Winterfell and Warden of the North. After the Hand of the King, Jon Arryn, suddenly dies, King Robert Baratheon dragoons him into being named the new Hand. Upon arriving at King's Landing, he discovers that Arryn was killed because he discovered that the Queen, Cersei Lannister, has an incestuous relationship with her twin brother, Jaime Lannister, which led to the birth of Prince Joffrey. When Robert is killed in a hunting accident, Ned is named protector of the realm and he tries to arrange for the Iron Throne to pass to Robert's rightful heir, his brother Stannis, but Joffrey and his mother have already solidified their grip on power. Ned is arrested and tried for treason. Despite confessing his crimes and begging for mercy, he is executed, sparking the War of the Four Kings.

Catelyn Stark

Married to Ned Stark, she is from House Tully and her sister, Lysa Tully is the widow of Jon Arryn. After an attempt is made on her son's life and she receives a letter from her sister telling her that the Lannisters are involved in Arryn's death, she visits her husband in King's Landing. There, she is told that the attempted murder weapon belongs to Tyrion Lannister. She captures Tyrion and takes him to her sister where he is put on trial. He demands trial by combat and when his champion is victorious, he is freed. Catelyn then returns north where she advises her eldest son Robb to go to war with the Lannisters to free his father and save his sisters.

Jon Snow

Ned Stark's bastard, Jon was born to an as-yet unknown woman when Ned was fighting Robert's war. Early on, he makes clear his desire to join the Night's Watch on The Wall. When his father sets off for the capital, he heads north with Tyrion Lannister. Upon arriving at The Wall, he distinguishes himself as the best recruit amongst the criminals and outcasts and befriends Pypar, Grenn and Samwell Tarly. Despite his obvious wishes, he is not made a ranger as the Commander, Jeor Mormont, wants to groom him for command. He saves the Commander from a wight and when he learns of his father's death he almost deserts but is convinced by his friends to stay. He accompanies a force of the Black Watch as they go north of the wall to find his uncle, Benjen Stark.

Robb Stark

The eldest Stark child, Robb is left in charge of Winterfell when his father departs for King's Landing. After he receives word that his father has been captured by the new King, Joffrey Baratheon, he goes to war. His first taste of battle is a complete success: luring Tywin Lannister's army with only 2,000 of his men he is able to use the overwhelming majority of his army to defeat Jaime Lannister's army in battle, capturing the Kingslayer. When news of his father's death reaches him, Robb is faced with choosing between supporting the Baratheon brothers. Instead, the Lords accompanying him declare him King in the North and their war becomes one of independence.

Sansa Stark

The second-eldest Stark child, Sansa is betrothed to Prince Joffrey as part of the deal that King Robert strikes to convince Ned to move to King's Landing and become Hand. Delighted at first, she and Joffrey have a tempestuous relationship. She wants to be Queen and does everything she can to please Joffrey. When her father is captured, she begs Joffrey for his life. Despite promising to spare him if he confesses, Joffrey has Ned executed, which drives Sansa to despair. When Joffrey shows her her father's head on a spike, threatening her and telling her that he will have Robb's head too, she replies that perhaps Robb will have his head. Infuriated, Joffrey tells her that they will still be married.

Arya Stark

The middle Stark child, she is often mistaken for a boy. She accompanies her father and Sansa to King's Landing. She has no desire to marry a Lord and bear his children and begins training with legendary swordsman Syrio Forel. When Joffrey seizes the Iron Throne, she disappears and tries to flee, eventually disguising herself as one of the many orphans who live in the capital. She is present at her father's execution but does not see it as Yoren, a recruiter for the Black Watch, spares her from it. She then accompanies him, disguised as a recruit for The Wall, beginning her journey back to Winterfell.

Bran Stark

The second-youngest Stark child, Bran witnesses the Queen and her twin brother Jaime having sex in a tower. Jaime pushes him out of a window but he is only paralysed, also losing his memory of what happened. He has a recurring dream about a three-eyed crow in the Stark crypts beneath Winterfell and Tyrion Lannister designs a saddle that will allow him to continue riding his horse. Whilst out riding, he is attacked by Wildling. Robb and Theon Greyjoy rescue him, killing all but one, Osha, who surrenders and becomes a servant, befriending Bran.

Rickon Stark

The youngest Stark child. Like Bran, he also has dreams about his father in the crypt below Winterfell.

Theon Greyjoy

Heir to Lord Balon Greyjoy of the Iron Islands, Theon is a ward of House Stark after his father's unsuccessful rebellion was put down by Ned Stark. His father was allowed to remain as Lord but Theon was essentially taken hostage to keep him in line. Despite his status, Nedd and Catelyn treat him like a son and he is very close to Robb and Bran. Theon is one of the first men to join in declaring Robb King in the North.

House Tulley

Lysa Arryn

Catelyn Stark's younger sister, she is the widow of Jon Arryn and rules as Regent of the Vale of Arryn as her son, Robin, is too young. She is eccentric and possibly mad, still breastfeeding her adolescent son but she is also determined not to go to war and refuses to help her sister militarily.

House Baratheon

Robert Baratheon

King of Westeros, Robert came to the Iron Throne after launching a rebellion against King Aerys II Targaryen after the King's son and heir, Rhaegar Targaryen kidnapped Ned Stark's sister, Lyanna Stark, to whom Robert was engaged. He subsequently married Cersei Lannister, whom he does not love. His apparent son and heir, Joffrey Baratheon, is actually Jaime Lannister's son and Robert cares little about affairs of state, preferring to hunt, drink and enjoy the company of whores, resulting in his fathering many bastards. He fears the prospect of the Dothraki swearing allegiance to House Targaryen and when he learns of Daenerys Targaryen's pregnancy, he orders her assassination, which causes him and Ned to fall out. He is fatally wounded on a hunting trip and announces Ned as lord protector of the realm before he dies.

Cersei Lannister

The wife of King Robert, daughter of Tywin Lannister and twin sister of Jaime Lannister. She married Robert at the end of his rebellion and although she loved him at first, he never loved her. Isolated and hurt that he loved the dead Lyanna Stark but not her, she began to hate him. Embarking on an incestuous relationship with Jaime, she bore him three children, including Prince Joffrey, Robert's heir-apparent. After Robert dies, she moves quickly to place Joffrey on the throne and secure their position. As Joffrey is not of age, she is Queen Regent. A determined woman, she nonetheless advises Joffrey to be nice to Sansa as it only makes things easier. She also cautions against treating The North too harshly and is shocked when Joffrey orders Ned's execution.

Joffrey Baratheon

Illegitimate heir of King Robert, Prince Joffrey is a cruel, arrogant and cowardly teenager. He shows occasional moments of affection to Sansa but they are driven by his mother's prompting and a desire to make his own life easier. When he becomes King, he has Ned Stark arrested, his men killed and demands oaths of loyalty from Robb Stark and others. When Robb raises an army and marches south, he tells Sansa that he will spare her father's life if he confesses but he lies and has Ned executed anyway. When he shows Sansa her her father's head on a spike, threatening her and telling her that he will have Robb's head too, she replies that perhaps Robb will have his head. Infuriated, Joffrey tells her that they will still be married.

Stannis Baratheon

King Robert's younger brother, Ned believes he is the rightful heir to the Iron Throne. He is widely acknowledged as an excellent commander but a poor candidate to be King. When Ned finds out that Joffrey is not Robert's son, he writes to Stannis and tells him that he is the rightful King of Westeros. Stannis declares himself King and gathers his armies.

Renly Baratheon

A member of King Robert's Small Council, Renly is Robert's youngest brother. Renly is gay and is in a relationship with Loras Tyrell, a skillful knight who has bested Gregor Clegane in a joust. Loras goads Renly into declaring himself King, telling him that Joffrey would be a bad King and no-one respects his older brother Stannis. When King Robert is mortally wounded, Renly suggests to Ned that he support his claim to the Iron Throne but Ned wants to avoid bloodshed and declines. Before Joffrey seizes power, Renly and Loras flee the capital and he declares himself King.

House Lannister

Tywin Lannister

Father of Cersei, Jaime and Tyrion, Tywin Lannister is the head of House Lannister and the most powerful man in the Kingdom. Massively wealthy and incredibly influential, he is concerned above all else with honour and the reputation of his family. When war begins, he seeks to meet Robb Stark in battle but he is tricked and lured into battle against only 2,000 Stark troops while the vast bulk of the Stark army destroys Jaime Lannister's army and captures him, causing great embarrassment for Tywin. He also has a difficult relationship with his other son, Tyrion.

Jaime Lannister

Twin brother of Queen Cersei, he is the real father of her three children, including Prince Joffrey. He attempted to kill Bran Stark to keep their relationship secret. A fearsome warrior, he slew the Mad King during Robert's Rebellion, earning him the nickname "Kingslayer", which he despises. When his brother Tyrion is captured, he confronts Ned Stark, killing his men and wounding the Hand. When war comes, his father gives him control of half of his forces and sends him to besiege Riverrun. After his father is deceived by Robb Stark's feint, Jaime's army is defeated and he is captured.

Tyrion Lannister

A dwarf, his mother died giving birth to him, resulting in his difficult relationship with his father. He is witty, charming and erudite and has a great passion for reading, drinking and whoring. After visiting The Wall, he is captured by Catelyn Stark at an inn and taken to her sister, Lysa, who she hopes will execute him for sending an assassin after her son Bran. He protests his innocence and wins his freedom when his champion, Bronn, defeats Lysa's champion in combat. He returns south and encounters some hill tribes, whom he placates with promises of land and new weapons. When he reaches his father's camp, he is told that he will lead the hill tribes at the vanguard of the army as they meet Robb Stark's army. Accidentally knocked unconscious by one of his own men, he misses the battle. Afterwards, his father sends him to King's Landing, where he will become the new Hand of the King to his nephew Joffrey. He departs for King's Landing with Bronn and a whore named Sansa, despite his father's warnings that she must not accompany him.

House Targaryen

Viserys Targaryen

The "Beggar King", Viserys is a King without a Kingdom and is called by his supporters the rightful heir to his father's throne. Viserys and his sister live across the narrow sea with a few loyal supporters. He arranges his sister's marriage to Khal Drogo, the most powerful Dothraki warlord, who promises him that he will conquer his Kingdom back for him, in exchange for her hand in marriage. Viserys travels with the khalasar but is rude to his sister, Drogo and the Dothraki in general, impatient for the chance to return to Westeros. Growing more nervous and impatient every day, he attempts to steal Daenerys' dragon eggs and eventually draws his sword against his sister, threatening her and her unborn child unless Drogo gets him his crown back. Drogo fulfils his wish and pours molten gold on Viserys' head, killing him.

Daenerys Targaryen

Viserys' younger sister, she marries Khal Drogo and becomes Khaleesi of his khalasar. At first fearful of and submissive to her new husband, she is taught how to please him by her servants and is taught in their ways by Jorah Mormant, an exile who pledges allegiance to her and her brother. She becomes more dominant, eventually asserting herself over her spiteful brother. After she becomes pregnant, she declares that he is the Stallion Who Mounts the World and names him Rhaego, after her dead brother. When Drogo kills her brother, she ignores his pleas for help, remarking simply that he was not a dragon. After she survives an assassination attempt, Drogo declares that he will conquer the world for her and raids a village to loot it and recruit slaves. After he is injured, Daenerys recruits a villager to heal him but it does not work and when she asks her to save his life, the witch sacrifices her unborn son and leaves him comatose which causes the khalasar to abandon them. Daenerys smothers her husband and kills the woman in his funeral pyre. Taking her dragon eggs with her, she steps into the pyre and it is set alight. After the fire extinguishes, she stands up with three newly hatched dragons as Jorah and her remaining Dothraki retinue proclaim her Dragon Queen.

Drogo

The most powerful Dothraki Khal, Drogo leads a khalasar of 40,000 warriors. After he married Daenerys, their relationship started awkwardly. They were unable to communicate and she seemed meek and unsuited to him. After she learnt his language and learnt to assert herself, he fell in love with her. After she falls pregnant, he kills her brother for threatening her and when she survives an assassination attempt, he declares that he will conquer the world for her. Injured in a duel, Daenerys' attempts to heal him backfire and she is forced to end his suffering.

Jorah Mormont

An exile from Westeros and the son of the commander of the Night's Watch, Jeor Mormont, Jorah swears allegiance to Viserys and Daenerys. He was forced to flee Westeros after trying to sell poachers into slavery to pay off the debts his wife accrued. He helps Daenerys learn about her new husband's culture, often acting as a translator for her. When Viserys grows impatient, he advises him to keep calm and when he catches him trying to steal Daenerys' dragon eggs, he refuses to stand aside and let him pass. When Viserys later threatens Daenerys he warns him against it, to no avail. When he foils an assassination attempt against Daenerys, Drogo greatly rewards him. When Drogo falls ill, Jorah is forced to defend Daenerys, killing a bloodrider in a duel. He watches over Daenerys as she recovers from the witch's spell and is clearly developing feelings for her. He tries to stop her going into the funeral pyre but she reassures him. When she is revealed unharmed with three dragons, he again declares his loyalty.

Small Council

Petyr Baelish

Nicknamed "Littlefinger", Baelish is manipulative and wealthy. He once fought a duel over Catelyn Tully, losing to her then-betrothed, Ned's brother Brandon, who was later killed by the Mad King. When Ned arrives in King's Landing, he works himself into his good graces, telling him who owns the knife used to try and kill Brann and assisting him in his search for the motivation behind Jon Arryn's murder. When Ned tells him that Joffrey is ineligible for the Iron Throne and he intends to install Stannis Baratheon as King, Baelish initially supports him but betrays him and delivers him to Joffrey.

Varys

Nicknamed "The Spider", Varys is a eunuch and a spymaster with a web of spies and informants across the country. Notoriously difficult to read, Varys claims to serve no master other than The Realm, saying that someone has to. Arya sees him meeting with Illyrio Mopatis, the Magister who arranged Daenerys' marriage to Drogo, the two apparently conspiring to have the Dothraki invade and restore House Targaryen. Later, he strongly advocated sending an assassin after her when news reached them that she was pregnant. When Ned is arrested, he visits him in prison and advises him to confess for the sake of his children.

Black Death (2010)

With the premiere of the second series of Game of Thrones only days away, I decided to re-watch the first series, planning to watch one episode a day for ten days, finishing the day before the new series started. I ended up watching all ten episodes in four days and needed to do something to satiate my appetite. Short of watching the series again I had no idea what to do. Then I remembered that I had the film Black Death to watch. A medieval horror-action-drama starring Sean Bean, I thought it would be perfect to fill the gaping hole in my life that is yet to be filled by new episodes of Game of Thrones. It was only after I'd watched it that I discovered that it starred two other GoT actors: Emun Elliott, who played Marillion, the minstrel who had his tongue cut out after singing a song about King Robert and Carice van Houten, who will play Melisandre in series two, a priestess and adviser to Stannis Baratheon. Incidentally, I'll be doing a summary of the first series of GoT pretty soon. Now, on with the film...

The year is 1348 and the bubonic plague is sweeping across England. Young monk Osmond (Eddie Redmayne) works in a monastery with his secret lover Averill (Kimberley Nixon). When the plague reaches the monastery, he sends her away for her own safety and remains at his post, bound by his vows. When Ulric (Sean Bean), a knight acting on the orders of the local bishop, arrives and asks for help in locating an isolated local village, Osmond, who knows how to get there, sees a way to escape the monastery whilst not breaking his vows. Ulric explains that the village has been untouched by the plague because a necromancer has made a deal with the devil. With the approval of the Abbot (David Warner), Osmond joins Ulric and his men, Wolfstan (John Lynch), Swire (Emun Eliott), Dalywag (Andy Nyman), Mold (Johnny Harris), Griff (Jamie Ballard) and Ivo (Tygo Gernandt).

Along the way to the village, they come across some villagers who are preparing to burn a woman they suspect of being a witch. Osmond insists on freeing her and Ulric does so, before killing her himself, saying that the villagers would have killed her anyway. Then, Griff starts coughing up blood and it is revealed that he has the plague. Osmond hears his last confession and he is executed. One morning they are attacked by a gang of outlaws and Ivo is killed whilst saving Osmond's life. Finally, they reach the swamp that the village is hidden inside. The village, a suspiciously quiet place with a majority of women puts them all on their guard. A man called Hob (Tim McInnerny) welcomes them and when they tell him they are travelers seeking refuge, he offers them refuge for the night. At a meal that evening, they meet Langiva (Carice van Houten), who shows Osmond Averill's body, telling him they found her several days ago. Later that night, Osmond wanders away from the village and spies on Langiva as she performs a ritual and Averill rises from the grave. He rushes back to the village but he is too late as Ulric and his men have been drugged.

They wake in a caged pit in the ground that is half-full of water. Hob and Langiva offer the men freedom if they renounce god. They refuse, so Dalywag is executed. They offer again and Swire says he will renounce god. He renounces god and is apparently freed but is in reality taken away and lynched by the villagers. Osmond is the next to be taken out of the pit but he is not executed. He is instead taken into a house where he is shown the apparently resurrected Averill. Left alone with her, he begs forgiveness and kills her. He then takes her body outside and strikes out at Langiva with a knife but the villagers overpower him. The defiant Ulric is then taken out of the pit and tied between two horses and slowly stretched. He again refuses to renounce god, angering Langiva and Hob. He asks for a moment to speak to Osmond, allowing Wolfstan and Mold the chance to cut their bonds with Osmond's dropped knife. Ulric has Osmond open his shirt, exposing lesions on his chest. He laughs as he tells them that he has brought the plague into their village and they will all die. He is torn apart by the horses and Wolfstan and Mold then break out of the pit and attack the villagers, most of whom flee. They slaughter the remaining villagers but Mold is killed by Hob, who is then knocked out by Wolfstan. Osmond goes after Langiva, whose disembodied voice taunts him, telling him that that Averill was not really dead, that she was drugged and then buried alive so as to convince him that she had been resurrected and that he was the one who killed her. As the film ends, Wolfstan and Osmond go back to the monastery. Wolfstan will take Hob on to the bishop and Osmond takes over from Ulric, hunting down and executing women he suspects of being witches and that no-one knows if he ever found Langiva or if he was just seeing her guilt in the eyes of the accused.

I had fairly high expectations for Black Death but it missed them by a considerable margin. Sean Bean phones in his performance and although there are some nice historical touches (the group's cart being pulled by oxen and the plague doctor's costume for example), the whole thing's very ho-hum. Their journey from the monastery to the village is really dull and the events that punctuate it (the suspected witch, Griff's execution and the run-in with the outlaws) are predictable distractions from the storyline. Also, try as it might, I couldn't help but be reminded of Monty Python and the Holy Grail at several points: at the beginning when the plague strikes the monastery I half-expected the guy pushing the cart of bodies to start shouting "bring out your dead!", when they encounter the woman about to be burned at the stake I was waiting for Osmond to bring out his larger scales and ask the villagers "what do you burn apart from witches?" and when they reach the mostly-female village I was looking for a plaque on the entrance declaring that they were entering "Village Anthrax". Humourous and accidental comparisons to Holy Grail aside, this film has few redeeming qualities. Even the gore, which could have been considerable, was almost non-existent. Director Christopher Smith is much better than this, having previously directed Creep, Severance and Triangle. Black Death is hopefully just a misfire in his otherwise sterling record.

A drearily dull effort which did nothing to fill the Game of Thrones-shaped hole in my life.

4 out of 10.

Spartacus: Vengeance 2.9 - Monsters

The title of this episode should really be "Relationships". Relationships collapse and others are repaired as Vengeance's penultimate episode turns things upside down. I have to confess, I was half way through the episode and I couldn't remember if Spartacus had been renewed for another season or if this was the last one! After quickly checking, I breathed a sigh of relief when I quickly found that another season had indeed been ordered. Now, on with the review!

At the temple, things are quiet. Suspiciously so... Nasir (Pana Hema Taylor) and Lugo (Barry Duffield) are on the wall bickering when they should be keeping watch. In the blink of an eye, they're snatched off the wall and three figures hop over it. Oh shit, Roman soldiers! They sneak through the camp until Naevia spots them and everyone panics. Just as Saxa (Ellen Hollman) is about to put an arrow through the leader, he pulls off his helmet and shouts "STOP!" It's Spartacus, and he's PISSED. He, Crixus and Gannicus were testing the others and they failed miserably. It's time to get serious and start working as a team, he tells them.

The following morning, with Crixus and Agron, Nasir and Lugo and Mira and Saxa at each other's throats, Spartacus explains to them why he didn't kill Ilithyia: killing her would have meant nothing and they are better than the Romans, he says, forgetting again about the time he destroyed the arena in Capua, killing hundreds if not thousands of innocent people. As he sets the group to training, Agron asks how he will motivate them. Spartacus refuses to beat them so Agron jokes that he shower them with love and kisses, causing Spartacus to actually smile and then to form a plan. Before he can put it into action, he runs into Mira. The two argue about Ilithyia again until she asks him to open his heart to her. He replies that he's opened it as much as he can. It's not enough for Mira and they share a sorrowful kiss and depart.

Later, Spartacus reveals his plan: hand out loads of wine and organise a tag team competition with foes on the same team. The competition goes well and Mira and Saxa, Nasir and Lugo and even Agron and Crixus all make up!

Back in Capua, Seppia sits glumly by the side of the pool. Glaber wanders over and asks her what's wrong. She misses her brother and wishes vengeance on the person who killed him. We've both lost people, he says. Yes, she replies, but I've moved too quickly and you haven't had time to grieve for Ilithyia. There's nothing to grieve about, Glaber says, peeling her dress off, until, like Grendel smashing into Heorot, Ilithyia bursts into the villa, collapsing theatrically in a heap.

When Ilithyia comes round, she tells Glaber what she knows about where she was held and learns that Seppia has replaced her. When she asks if he loves her, he replies that he doesn't, pointing out all the times she broke his heart. When she asks if there is nothing between them, he points out what her answer was when he asked her that. Ouch. I've suffered for you, she whines and his eyes seem to say "good". I am not the man I was, he tells her. I am a monster, made thus by events and necessity, he adds, stalking off and leaving her despondent and ruing her actions. Later that evening, she stands on the balcony and Lucretia does a double-take. Apparently, no-one thought to mention to her that Ilithyia had returned. The two embrace and Lucretia's joy at Ilithyia's return actually seems genuine. Then, as a display of her trust in Lucretia, Ilithyia tells her that her baby is Spartacus'! As Ilithyia is saying that she doesn't blame her new BFF, Seppia walks past. Ilithyia's first thoughts are of jealousy but when Lucretia fills her in, telling her that Seppia seeks vengeance, she sees an opportunity. Meanwhile, Glaber and Ashur have used Ilithyia's evidence to narrow their search for Spartacus. When one of his men brings in Lucius' head, Ashur pinpoints the rebels' exact location: an abandoned temple in the foothills of Mount Vesuvius. Gulp.

In his room, Ashur explains his plan to Lucretia: after Spartacus is killed, Glaber will give him what he desires more than anything else - his freedom. Then, he will marry Lucretia and take over the ludus. Lucretia scoffs but Ashur tells her that the Praetor has already given his plan the seal of approval. The prospect of Ashur not only as her new husband but also the owner of her late husband's ludus makes Lucretia look like she's just been entered into a shit-eating contest. Glaber, meanwhile, is making preparations for his assault on the temple when someone shouts to him that he should make different preparations. It's Varinius (Brett Tucker) and he gleefully tells Glaber that the Senate has advised he return to Rome, lest he have no further ambitions beyond his current post. He even mocks him for having his wife captured by Spartacus, which prompts Ilithyia to emerge and rubbish his claim. As Varinius leaves, Seppia goes rushing after him but he's not interested in her any more, annoyed that she was apparently wrong about Ilithyia's capture and he then mocks her claims that Glaber killed her brother when the only evidence she has is his bracelet.

That evening, Lucretia comforts Seppia who is distraught that Varinius did not help her. Lucretia presents another solution, taking out a knife and telling Seppia that Glaber has taken from all of them and must be made to pay for it. "Blood must be spilled", she urges. A tearful Seppia takes the knife and a steely resolve comes over her. Lucretia and Ilithyia bump into each other in the corridors and Lucretia tells her that the plan is in motion, if that is what she desires. It is, Ilithyia replies. Seppia finds out Glaber and as he moans about Varinius, she turns on him, smashing a jug of wine across his head. He falls to floor, defenceless, cracking his head on the edge of the bath and she pulls out the knife and prepares to make the killing blow.... when Ilithyia comes to his rescue! She grabs the knife and stabs poor Seppia in the heart, tearing her throat open with it for good measure. Blood sprays across the room and Ilithyia tosses her into the pool behind Glaber. Covered in Seppia's blood, the two of them strike a new deal: they will remain who they are, not try to return to who they were and will turn their vengeance not on each other but on those deserving of it: Seppia, the Senate, Varinius... and Spartacus. Seppia's body bobs on the surface of the bath as the couple consummate their new partnership, still dripping in her blood.

That night, Spartacus and Gannicus are celebrating when they see Roman soldiers approaching. Deciding to make the first move, they head out into the woods and ambush the Romans. Spartacus and Gannicus go after the commanders but Spartacus is disappointed to find that the Praetor in charge of the force is not Glaber but Varinius! He is taken back to the temple and orders his remaining men to surrender. Just as the rebels celebrate their new weapons and armour, flaming artillery launched from catapults comes hurling over the wall, killing Varinius (who has an incredible "oh shit" look on his face before it's burned off) and others. The wall is breached and Ashur's men and Roman soldiers come bursting in. Many are killed and Oenomaus loses an eye before Spartacus issues the order to retreat, smashing jugs of oil and setting them alight to stop the Romans following them into the tunnels. Out of the frying pan and into the fire as they're confronted by more Romans, forcing them to flee up Mount Vesuvius. When Ashur tells him that there is only one path up the mountain, Glaber declares that he will wait for them to starve until they are driven down by desperation.

Wow! Holy fucking shit! What an episode! Brilliant fight scenes in the temple, mouth-watering intrigue in Capua and two humongous OMG moments: poor Seppia heading to the Afterlife courtesy of Ilithyia and the amazing battle at the end. This is what Spartacus is all about! Perhaps Monsters is a more appropriate title after all as the two monsters of the series (in a nice way of course), Ilithyia and Glaber re-unite at last. Spartacus is not so lucky in love as he and Mira seem to have drifted apart for good. I'm expecting her to die in the series finale now. Speaking of the finale, we must surely get our long-awaited final showdown between Glaber and Spartacus and the series' other monster, Ashur, may find that he's underestimated Lucretia as so many have before him. Bring it on!

Ilithyia boob watch: seen briefly during her blood-soaked shag with Glaber. Seppia also briefly flashes us at the start of the episode.

10 out of 10.

The Walking Dead 2.13 - Beside the Dying Fire

After Dale's death in the episode before, the writers decided to give us a double-whammy and kill off Shane in episode twleve. Well, technically they killed him twice because Carl finally manned-up and shot Walker Shane in the head. I think at this point I should say that I've never read any of the comics the TV series is based on and have no idea what the future holds for the series or what's going to happen next...

The episode opens not on the farm but in the streets of a city where some walkers are tearing a dead animal to pieces. A helicopter flies overhead, drawing their attention and leading an increasingly larger group into the countryside. As they mill around the forest, Carl's gunshot rings through the air and they are drawn to the farm.

As Carl and Rick walk back to the house, Carl asks his father what happened. Rick casts around for something to say when FUCKING HUNDREDS of walkers emerge from the gloom. Unable to reach the house, they make a break for the barn. Back at the house, the others have seen the oncoming walkers and tool up. Shit's gonna go down! As Rick and Carl barricade the barn and pour petrol everywhere Hershel says that he will die to protect his farm and half the group pile into vehicles. As the barn erupts into flames, walkers start getting their brains blown out. Lori panics, not knowing where Rick or Carl are and Carol tries to comfort her. Never fear, Lori, here comes help in the form of... errr... Jimmy (James Allen McCun). If you don't remember who he is, don't worry, hardly anyone does. He's Beth's boyfriend and a sign of just how anonymous he is is that even when Beth falls ill and later contemplates suicide he got probably 30 seconds of screen time over five episodes. He drives the RV to the back of the barn, Rick and Carl hop on and walkers break through the doors and devour the anonymous Jimmy.

Hershel stands his ground at the front of the house and Lori, Carol, Beth and Otis' widow Patricia (Jane McNeill), who has been just as anonymous as Jimmy, make a break for it from the back of the house. Patricia is grabbed by a walker and devoured. Carol is separated from the other two but Andrea and T-Dog come to their aid. Lori and Beth jump in T-Dog's truck and Andrea saves Carol, a walker collapsing on her in the process. Glenn and Maggie, their car surrounded by walkers, are forced to abandon the farm. Hershel, resolutely shooting walkers from the front of his house, is rescued by Rick. As they and Carl pile into a car, they miss Andrea, who grabs a bag of weapons and runs for her life. Finally, Daryl rescues Carol and the two ride his motorbike away from the farm.

On the road, each group agonises over what to do next. Glenn takes over driving the car from Maggie and finally tells her that he loves her. Rick, Carl and Hershel reach the freeway and decide to wait for the others. T-Dog, driving in the opposite direction, refuses to turn the truck around until Lori threatens to jump out. As Rick and Hershel debate what to do next, Lori, Beth, T-Dog, Maggie, Glenn, Carol and Daryl arrive in convoy. As they head off together, Andrea is running through the woods, killing walkers as she goes.

Forced to pull over because of a lack of fuel, the group sets up camp and Rick says that there must be somewhere out there they can fortify and make safe for them to live in. At Daryl's prompting, Rick reveals that he killed Shane and then he tells them what Dr. Jenner told him: the virus is inside all of them, dormant until they die. Rick walks off and Lori goes after him, initially sympathetic until Rick reveals that he killed Shane before he turned. Back in the woods, Andrea is about to be eaten by a walker when it's suddenly decapitated by a katana-wielding hooded figure who leads two armless walkers on chains. The mysterious figure looms above Andrea and we cut back to the group. A fire is burning and Carol and Maggie try to talk the group into leaving but Daryl and Hershel dismiss them. When they hear something in the woods around them, panic starts to set in until Rick asserts his dominance, explaining how everything he's done, including killing his best friend, was to keep the group safe. Finally, he offers anyone who doesn't like things the chance to leave and asserts "this isn't a democracy any more". The camera pans up to reveal the group are camped barely a few hundred yards from a prison. Anyone who has read Max Brooks' seminal work The Zombie Survival Guide will know that prisons are amongst the safest places to hole up.

Well, that was certainly the right way to wrap up the second series! A massive battle with the walkers has certainly been coming and not only does it not disappoint but it was well worth the wait! Blood, brains, gore, limbs wrenched from sockets and walkers bursting into flames means that the first half of the episode is amongst the best humans vs zombies battles I've ever seen! Jimmy and Patricia obviously bit the dust but it was nice to see Hershel survive. I thought they were setting him up to sacrifice himself but I was delighted when Rick rescued him. Rick and Lori look like they will have even more problems next season than they did this, with Shane coming between them even more now that he's dead. Finally, just who the fuck is that hooded character? According to releases put out just after the episode airs, she is "fan favourite" Michonne and she will be played by Danai Gurira. Like I said, I've never read the comics so that means fuck all to me. Either way, she looks pretty cool. No idea why she has a pair of armless walkers as pets though...

A fantastic end to a fantastic second series. Long live The Walking Dead and here's to an equally brilliant third series!

9 out of 10.

Spartacus: Vengeance 2.8 - Balance

Aaaaaaaarrrrgh, Ilithyia! Has the Lady Macbeth of Spartacus met her grisly end?

The episode opens with Gannicus leading Ilithyia through the forest, warning her that if she tries to call for help he will kill her. They encounter some hunters who ask awkward questions and when Ilithyia can bear it no longer she blurts out the truth, forcing Gannicus to slaughter them all, who even apologises as he does so. Ilithyia offers Gannicus money but he laughs her off. Meanwhile, Spartacus and Mira are hunting. They flirt away happily until his wife is brought up and things get awkward. Fortunately, Gannicus chooses that moment to appear, offering Ilithyia to Spartacus as recompense for Glaber sending his wife to her death.

Back at the temple, Oenomaus is training the new recruits and Naevia is learning fast at Crixus' instruction. When Spartacus, Gannicus and Mira return with Ilithyia the rebels cheer at her impending execution. All except Lucius (Peter McAuley) who warns Spartacus against killing a defenceless, pregnant woman. Spartacus begins interrogating Ilithyia and she breaks the news that we've all known all along - her baby is his. Memories of his wife and his burning desire for a child satiate his bloodlust and they share a tender moment when he wipes her tears from her cheek which is suddenly broken when he puts his hands around her neck. He does not choke Ilithyia, despite her goading of him to finish what he started and she tells him that if he were to kill her and his unborn child his wife would turn her back on him when he joins her in the afterlife. When Spartacus tells Gannicus he has not killed Ilithyia, Gannicus is unsurprisingly pissed off that he risked his life so that she could be spared, telling Spartacus that more will die if he does not end this now.

Lucius takes some food to Ilithyia and tells her how he was betrayed by another Roman who stole his land and slaughtered his family. Sensing an opportunity, Ilithyia promises him that she can return what was taken from him if he would just let Glaber know where she is being kept. Mira, meanwhile, has taken the news of Spartacus' decision to spare Ilithyia's life even worse than Gannicus. The two get into an argument and he refuses to act as Glaber did and in so become the man his wife would turn from. That night, Spartacus is destroying a post while we see flashbacks of Sura's abduction. Lucius tries to sneak out but Spartacus spots him and the two go off together to have words. Gannicus, meanwhile, has words with Oenomaus. Gannicus again tries to mend bridges but Oenomaus is not interested, telling him that even if he died he would not hold him as a brother.

Agron and Nasir (Pana Hema Taylor) are supposed to be guarding Ilithyia but they're much more interested in each other so Mira offers to relieve them. This isn't going to end well... Mira asks Ilithyia if she really does carry Spartacus' baby and when she receives an answer in the affirmative she resolves to help Ilithyia. Help her leave this world, that is! She is in the middle of strangling poor Ilithyia when Spartacus pulls her off. She tells Spartacus that she was doing what must be done, what he cannot do but knows in his heart must be done. "You do not know my heart" he replies. Ouch.

Back in Capua, Lucretia and Seppia talk to Glaber about his wife's disappearance. Seppia speculates that Gannicus is probably in league with Spartacus which Lucretia flatly denies adding that she knows Ilithyia is still alive, suggesting that Glaber send word to Rome and call for aid. He refuses, knowing how embarrassing it would be for him. Glaber and Seppia leave and Ashur takes the chance to lord it over Lucretia who looks even more disgusted than she did last week.

Gannicus' favourite whorehouse is again treated to a visit from Ashur and his men, this time accompanied by Glaber. He demands information and when the owner tells him that Gannicus' favourite whore was in fact crucified at his own instruction, Glaber slits his throat and leaves Ashur to interrogate the rest. Back at the villa, Lucretia tries to persuade Seppia to contact Varinius and ask for his assistance in finding Ilithyia but she laughs her suggestion off, making clear that her attentions are now firmly set on Glaber. After an uninterrupted session in bed with Seppia, Glaber tells her how he and Ilithyia drifted apart and she tells him that the pain of her brother's death lessens every day she is with him. Awww, how romantic. Speaking of romance, Ashur tells Lucretia how he and his men slaughtered the occupants of whorehouses all across Capua. After a hard day of torture and killing he only wants some affection from his unwilling lover but when she slaps him he forces her to apologise and rapes her again. Such a gentleman!

The next morning Lucretia is about to tell Seppia that Ashur has her brother's wristband among the collection of trophies he has taken from his victims when Lucius arrives. He tells Glaber that in exchange for a wagon full of armour and weapons, Spartacus will return Ilithyia to him. Seppia is unsurprisingly reluctant to see Ilithyia return so quickly and Ashur advises against making the trade but Glaber has already made his mind up. Back at the rebels' camp, Crixus, Agron and Gannicus volunteer to go with Spartacus to make the exchange. Mira tells him it's a bad idea but Spartacus too has made his mind up.

In the middle of a deserted city square, the meeting takes place. Spartacus, Crixus, Agron and Gannicus face off against Glaber and three of his men. Glaber asks for proof that his wife is still alive and Spartacus offers a piece of her dress. When Glaber points out that he could have killed her anyway, Spartacus tells him that he does not kill innocent people (except for all the people who were killed when you burned down the arena?). Spartacus promises Glaber that he will kill him and Glaber replies that he hopes he does not regret the decision he has made, calling the wagon forward.

That's where I'm going to leave the summary. It's obvious that something happens, but I'm not going to spoil it. The tension built up at the end of the last episode when Ilithyia was kidnapped is kept up all through this episode as we're kept on tenterhooks as to her fate. Mira and Spartacus' falling out is an effective culmination of his longing for his wife and her frustration that he will not commit to her. Seppia and Glaber continue their love affair although that too may come to an end if Lucretia can convince her that he was behind her brother's death. Another great episode.

Ilithyia boob watch: Seen briefly during flashbacks to her masked encounter with Spartacus in Blood and Sand. Seppia again shows her boobs as she rides Glaber like a pony.

8 out of 10.

The River 1.4 - A Better Man

I've fallen behind with The River. I had better things to watch to be honest but I said I was going to watch them all, so here's what I thought of episode 4.

The search for Emmet Cole continues and Clark questions the other passengers on who they consider the leader to be. Their answers don't reveal much more than we already knew: Lincoln's a pussy, his mom won't stand up to Kurt and no-one likes Clark. The lull is disrupted when they come across Emmet's cameraman Jonas Beckett (Scott Michael Foster) hanging from some vines, apparently recently dead. When he gasps for air and starts clawing at the vines around his neck they rush to save him. Safely back on board, Lincoln diagnoses him with Malaria and sets about treating him. Emilio and Jahel look like they know more than they're letting on (as usual). We're "treated" to his audition tapes for Undiscovered Country which reveal him to be an adrenaline junkie and a massive douchebag. Clark has never met him meaning Emmet hired him after he fired everyone else. Tess sets about trying to recover information from his mobile phone and Clark and A.J. start scouring the tapes to find out anything about Jonas. More back-story about Jonas shows him defying Emmet's orders to videotape some Amazonian people during a funeral. What a nice guy. Tess wants to turn the boat back around so they can go back to a village and get some medicine for Jonas. Lincoln objects but they are both cut short when it starts raining dead birds. Seven Plagues of Egypt anyone?

Dead birds stop raining from the sky and the group prepare for an oncoming storm. Back in the video room, Clark spies on Jahel and overhears her saying "El Colgado" but she refuses to say any more when questioned. During the rush to secure the boat, Jonas takes the opportunity to steal a tape of him doing something that will undoubtedly be revealed in fifteen minutes. A plague of insects then descends on them and Jonas collapses. When he comes round Johal breaks out her tarot cards (what's she going to do next week, look into her crystal fucking ball?) and tells them that "El Colgado" (The Hanging Man) is a curse put on the arrogant and greedy - they must suffer the agony of death but never the release of dying. She says that they will all be killed unless he is handed back to the Boiuna (death). Clark threatens Jonas and he gives up the tape. I say "threatened him", he grabs his collar and says "give us what you're hiding". The tapes show Jonas filming the funeral and the dead man's body and then Emmet abandoning Jonas where they discovered him. The crew resolve to sacrifice Jonas but he beats them to it, rushing back on deck. He apologises, breaks the phone with the recording on and puts his head back in the noose. The Boiuna is apparently satisfied and allows him to live. Back in the video room, Tess and Lincoln come across a message Emmet recorded for them where he apologises.

Just like I predicted, The River has stuck to the same formula for three weeks now: crew find something "magical", Jahel refuses to tell them what it is, something weird happens, Jahel tells them what it is, someone apologises to the magic, weird stuff ends. If it was done well I'd have fewer complaints but The River is just crap. It's too many things rolled into one very awkward and cumbersome package. There's no humour to lift proceedings and Lincoln's as stiff as usual. Clark and Kurt are the only interesting characters but when the cast numbers almost a dozen that's not a good sign.

3 out of 10.

The Bone Collector (1999)

A few days ago I was talking to some friends about Morgan Freeman and we started trying to think of some lesser known films he's been in. I wondered out loud, saying "The Bone Collector?". "Ah yes!" said one of my friends, "he plays a disabled cop doesn't he?" "That's the one, with Angelina Jolie", I replied. "Hang on", said our other friend, "he wasn't in that." "Yes he was!" we replied in tandem. "No, it was Denzel Washington!" he said and we both fell silent. "No, it was definitely Morgan Freeman..." I began but I instantly began to doubt myself. "There's only one way to settle this", I said, marching off to get my copy.

He was right and we were wrong. Ah well, can't get them all right. Anyway, it's been about 8 or 9 years since I saw The Bone Collector for the first and only time and I decided the time was ripe to re-watch it. The story's pretty simple: Denzel Washington plays Lincoln Rhyme, a disabled former New York City homicide detective and prolific author who was injured in an accident in the line of duty and is now confined to his bed. Paralysed below the neck he uses his one working finger to operate his custom-made computer and is assisted by his nurse, Thelma (Queen Latifah) and his technician, Richard (Leland Orser). When his friend and former colleague Detective Paulie Sellitto (Ed O'Neill) comes to him for help with a case he initially refuses but is drawn in by both the circumstances and the talents of the first officer on the scene, rookie cop Amelia Donaghy (Angelina Jolie). The grisly murders keep stacking up, as do the baffling clues. Together, Lincoln and Amelia must solve the clues and find the killer before it's too late.

Standard police thriller fare then. Stylistically it's quite unusual, blending Rear Window with Seven and throwing in a bit of The Crow for good measure. Unfortunately, it manages to capture neither Hitchcock's legendary suspense or flair and none of Seven's gritty realism or interesting story. The references to The Crow are more bizarre than anything else - for some reason Lincoln has a peregrine falcon watching over him.

It starts off with a flashback to Lincoln's accident (although the use of slow-mo does detract from it somewhat) and the abduction of a couple by a mysterious taxi driver. When we first meet Lincoln, he's unhappy and frustrated. He's suffering from seizures which will eventually leave him in a vegetative state and he wants his doctor friend, Barry Lehman (John Benjamin Hickey) to help him commit suicide. Across town Amelia is out on patrol when she is called over to a railway line where a kid has found a dead body, that of the abducted man from earlier. After stopping an oncoming train and photographing and recovering the clues before the rain can destroy them, the big guns turn up. Detectives Sellitto and Solomon (Mike McGlone) are impressed but Captain Howard Cheney (Michael Rooker) is not. Sellitto and Solomon take the case to Lincoln who is about to dismiss them when he has a seizure. When he has recovered, he looks over the file and his attention is drawn to the victim's finger, which had the flesh stripped off it and the clues, which seem to indicate a love of all things old.

Amelia, meanwhile, is in her first training class in preparation for her switch to Youth Services and a cushy desk job. Lincoln asks for her by name and she is summoned to his apartment where the investigation is beginning. Together they put together the clues and are led to the next murder victim: the man's wife. Lincoln rejects the help of the rest of the forensics department and the medical examiners and sends in Amelia alone, relaying instructions to her as she describes what she sees. When he asks her to sever the dead woman's hands is gets too much and she refuses to help him anymore. While Solomon visits her apartment to convince her to come back and help them save the next victim, Lincoln checks out her background and discovers that her father was a cop and that she was the one who found his body after he shot himself.

Another piece of bone and other clues at the crime scene lead them to a third victim. By now, Lincoln's methods have drawn the ire of Captain Cheney who takes control of the case away from Lincoln and threatens Amelia. He succeeds in only bungling things up so she continues to help Lincoln. When he gets techie Eddie Ortiz (Luis Guzman) to do a search for other murders involving removed flesh that exposes bone, they get several matches. Piecing together scraps of paper found at each crime scene they find a logo for an old publishing company. Amelia investigates further at an old book shop and finds a book called The Bone Collector, a book of true crime which features pictures of crime scenes exactly like the ones they've been finding. The next murders will be at the river and they arrive in time to save a little girl but not her grandpa. The final clue points Amelia to a police officer and she realises that his target is none other than Lincoln.

Aside from my earlier criticisms, The Bone Collector is just too clichéd and formulaic. The characters are all pretty much your run of the mill stock characters but the acting is top-notch. I'll gloss over the schmaltzy ending (it involves a reunion with a long-lost relative) which leaves you with this sickly taste in your mouth and focus instead on Amelia. Angelina Jolie does a fine job but her character's underlying issues (father's death, inability to commit to her fuck buddy, her being traumatised at the second crime scene) are all completely washed over. Solomon turns up and tells her that Lincoln thinks there's a third victim and she instantly goes from moping around her apartment, drinking by herself to getting dressed and going back to work. If you're going to include all the backstory crap at least make sure it has a decent resolution! Furthermore, the idea that a rookie cop would suddenly take over investigating crime scenes and cataloguing evidence from the forensics team is just silly. Finally, the complete lack of any suspense. I don't know what it is in particular but there's a sense of resolution about the film from the very beginning. We know what's going to happen and no amount of time spent pouring over clues from 1910s New York or walking around dank and dreary crime scenes is going to change that. I've probably come across as more critical than I actually am. Despite its flaws it's a decent, well-acted film and it breezes through its surprising run time of one hour fifty-seven.

All in all, The Bone Collector is a bit disappointing, but it's well acted and worth a watch.

6 out of 10.

The Walking Dead 2.12 - Better Angels

After Dale's untimely death, will things slow back down? Fuck no!

At Dale's funeral, Rick says that the best way to honor his memory is to "un-break" the group, to pull together. Shane, Andrea, Daryl and T-Dawg take out their anger on a group of walkers, butchering and beating them into a bloody pulp. Afterwards, the group make preparations to move into the house, setting up watch posts, patrols and stocking the house with provisions. Rick also announces that he wants to release Randall (Michael Zegen), much further away than they had originally planned. Shane isn't happy (surprise, surprise) asking if Rick knows that Dale's death and the Randall Problem are two separate things. Rick gives him a look that just screams "fuck off". Walking up to the house, Rick and Hershel ask Andrea to keep an eye on Shane for them. She's offended that the only thing people seem to know about her is that she's friends with Shane, but she agrees.

Carl, apparently racked with guilt, goes to Shane and hands him the gun he stole. Then he confesses to being responsible for Dale's death. I hate Carl, he's such a little shit. Rude, arrogant, cowardly and a dickhead all rolled into one tiny package. Inside the house, Maggie asks Glenn to move into her room but he acts all chivalrous, saying that he couldn't possibly do that with her dad in the house. She smiles, then stalks off. Outside, Shane is repairing a tower and Lori talks to him, thanking him for helping them get out of Atlanta and apologising for the way things worked out.

Rick and Daryl are making plans to take Randall far, far away and Shane comes over and tells him what Carl said to him. Rick says he will deal with it later but Shane tells him he needs to deal with it now. Over at the RV, Andrea is having trouble getting it started and Glenn fixes it, just like Dale taught him. Andrea tells Glenn that Dale was proud of him and they have a nice moment together. Over at the barn, Rick finds Carl. He gives him back the gun and has a heart-to-heart about how he needs to protect himself, that he is not responsible for Dale's death and how everyone will die. It's well done and shows how Carl's evolving as a character. I still don't like him though. Randall, bound and gagged in the shed is struggling against his bonds when Shane walks in and puts his gun to Randall's head. Then, he checks Randall's bonds and gets a different idea. Whatever it is, it can't be good...

Rick and Daryl are preparing to leave and T-Dawg goes to collect Randall. He unlocks the shed but finds it empty, with no sign of anyone. Cut to the woods, where Shane is leading Randall away at gunpoint. He tells him that he's sick of the group and he wants to join up with Randall's people. He's obviously full of shit but Randall buys it. They keep moving until Shane pushes Randall just out of shot. There's a shout, a snapping sound and Shane comes back into shot, walking away and then smashing his head into a tree, giving himself a bloody nose. Back at the house, everyone is panicking. Shane emerges from the woods after hiding his gun and tells them that Randall escaped and gave him the slip when he was following him, making up some crap about being attacked by him. Shane and Rick go one way, Glenn and Daryl another. As darkness falls, Rick questions Shane's story. He knows what really happened and Shane knows it. Daryl and Glenn find Shane and Randall's tracks, then the tree Shane left blood on, then Randall, who is now a walker. They dispatch him and are once again unable to find a bite mark on his body, with Glenn observing that Randall died from a broken neck. IT'S AIRBORNE, PEOPLE! AAAARRRRGH!!! Wake up! Rick and Shane emerge from the woods and continue their discussion about what really happened. Shane pulls his gun and Rick refuses to pull his. It's like a Mexican standoff, but not quite. Shane goads Rick again, telling him that he's a bad leader, a bad husband and a bad father. One of them isn't going to live past the end of the episode but that's not the twist. We knew it would come to this but there are two more "oh shit!" moments coming yet!

Holy fucking shit! Two major character deaths in two weeks and a setup for what looks to be an amazing finale. I can't wait for the next episode but at the same time I know they're going to tease us and leave us on another hu-fucking-mongous cliffhanger! The first half of the episode is very much a tribute to Dale and it's very nicely done, especially the montage of the walker bludgeoning over Rick's speech at Dale's funeral. Rick and Shane's final confrontation is everything I expected it to be and so much more. The two twists are fantastic and I'm salivating at the prospect of what's to come. Carl, despite my loathing of him, has evolved as a character as I said earlier. His encounter with the walker in the previous episode and his actions in this episode show that he has found some inner strength and that he's no longer this naive child. He's still annoying though. Another fantastic episode.

9 out of 10.

Spartacus: Vengeance 2.7 - Sacramentum

With Albinius and Seppius dead and Varinius back in Rome, Glaber looks to have strengthened his hand. Meanwhile, Spartacus looks to be in a very vulnerable position and Gannicus is made an offer or two...

We begin in Neapolis. Agron, Lucius (Peter McAuley) and Spartacus raid a slave ship from Germania, freeing the slaves and brutally slaughtering the Romans. Agron is particularly pleased that they are from his homeland but Spartacus does not look happy at all. Something is obviously going to happen... Back at the temple, Crixus is training Naevia and Nasir (Pana Hema Taylor) makes a perfectly innocent comment to Mira about her being loved by Spartacus which only makes her face fall as she wonders if he does indeed love her. Spartacus then returns with the Germans who demand a celebration. Among their number are the giant Sedullus (Conan Stevens) and Saxa, a striking blonde Amazon (Ellen Hollman). Crixus voices his concern that the newcomers are all Agron's people and while Spartacus says he is not concerned, his face betrays him.

Spartacus has a talk with Agron and asks him about the raid. Agron tells him there were two other ships at the dock, one from Syria and one from Gaul but that he chose the one from Germania because Syrians can't be trusted (which is a bit of an odd thing to say as he's fucking one) and there are already enough Gauls around. Agron is definitely behaving like a dick. The next day, Spartacus enlists Oenomaus to train the new recruits and he goes out to hunt with them, only to find that they have already gone out and raided a wagon. Spartacus and Crixus are furious and Agron apologises, with Lucius pointing out that he wasn't exactly being sincere. That evening, the celebrations continue. Sedullus flirts with Naevia and when she spurns his advances, he assault her. She stabs him and the commotion draws Agron's attention who comes to her rescue. Naevia calls to Crixus and the entire camp erupts into a massive brawl. Mira and Saxa catfight and Spartacus ends matters as he does best, with his sword, slicing Sedullus' fucking face off! As his brain drops out of his face, everyone stops and listens. Spartacus tells them to either do what he says, fuck off or have their face sliced off too. Agron leads the Germans in pledging their loyalty to Spartacus and order is restored.

Gannicus is back in Capua and attempting to get his payment from Magistrate Gallienus (Timothy Raby). The Magistrate tells him that he didn't kill Spartacus and so is not due the full payment, fobbing him off with a few coins and telling him to seek the rest, along with his rudis, from Glaber. Glaber is speaking to a crowd in the market, telling them that Spartacus will be caught and punished for his latest act of savagery, killing poor Seppius. If I was in the crowd, I wouldn't believe him. Every time Spartacus does something, Glaber promises to catch him and never does. Anyway, Glaber declares that if a slave even mentions Spartacus' name, they will be punished with crucifixion. He demonstrates with one of Ilithyia's slaves, who protests her innocence. Ilithyia is about to speak in her defence but Lucretia tells her not to disagree with Glaber. She confirms that she heard her say the offending word and the poor girl is duly crucified in front of the crowd, much to young Seppia's delight.

Ashur is making the most of his hold over Lucretia, getting her to call him "dominus" and telling her to wear a wig he pinched from Seppius' house, so that he may know she is his. What a fucking player! Glaber consoles Seppia as Ilithyia gives them both her best bitch face as they prepare to have Seppius' men take an oath of loyalty to Glaber. The men are sworn in and Glaber invites Seppia to move into the villa for her own safety. She is delighted and Ilithyia's face is an absolute picture! She tells Lucretia that she fears his newfound strength and purpose, upset about how he looks at Seppia.

Gannicus is back at the whorehouse in the company of his favourite whore, to whom he muses about his lack of coin and his rudis. Ashur arrives, seeking words with him. Ashur teases him about his missing rudis and tells him that Glaber wishes to see him. Gannicus visits Glaber, who gives him back his rudis, asking him to swear an oath into his service. Gannicus is told that as a free man, he can do as he pleases, but it's obvious that he has no choice here. Lucretia and Ilithyia decide to fake an illness and she tells Glaber that the gods command that Ilithyia leaves the city of blood. She offers to escort her but Ashur is not going to give up his prize that easily and reminds Glaber of Lucretia's importance to the people of Capua. In the market, Lucretia takes time out from blessing the locals to seek out Gannicus, who is contemplating his whore's freshly crucified body. Lucretia remarks that he is being watched by one of Ashur's men and makes him an offer as well: instead of working for Glaber, she wants him to kill Glaber. The villa will be lightly defended as Ilithyia is being escorted to Rome and she will distract the rest of the guards so that he can assassinate Glaber and end Spartacus' lust for vengeance.

Ilithyia makes her leave, telling Glaber that he shall be missed and smirking at Lucretia. Try and be a bit more discreet! Seppia watches as the carriage leaves and a smile creeps across her face. Later that night, Lucretia tells the captain of the guards that something is up and they head outside as a shadow falls across Glaber's face... Don't worry, it's only Seppia, who promptly disrobes and climbs on top of Glaber. Their fucking is interrupted by the captain who tells him to come outside. He heads out to find a scene of carnage. Ilithyia's guard have been slaughtered and the man who was watching Gannicus lies dead inside the carriage with Gannicus' rudis sticking out of his neck. Of Ilithyia, there is no sign...

Vengeance gets right back on form after last week's disappointing episode. Spartacus is still treading water over at the temple, but he is at least gearing up to do something. Agron's conflicting loyalties to Spartacus and his own kin is handled very well and also satisfyingly resolved. Ilithyia is not quite back to her confident, Lady Macbeth best but she is getting there. The build-up of tension before the reveal of the contents of her carriage was expertly done and Gannicus is fast becoming one of the best characters on the show. He's a simple man, wanting only wine and whores, but when Glaber tries to play him he badly misjudges him. Young Seppia, lacking protection following the death of her brother, ingratiates herself with Glaber. Her vulnerability and naivety are often played up by having her wear little makeup or be bested by Ilithyia but it appears she has the upper hand now and she has certainly won over Glaber. A great episode!

Ilithyia boob watch: Nothing, but Seppia shows it all off as she seduces Glaber. Lucky bastard!

8 out of 10.

The Walking Dead 2.11 - Judge, Jury, Executioner

Holy shit! It's been coming and it's finally happened: a major character has been killed off. I won't say who it is (obviously), but it probably isn't who you'd expect it to be...

It begins with Daryl torturing, I'm sorry, "interrogating" Randall (Michael Zegen) who admits to being part of a group who raped women, but denies taking part in any of it. You've got to wonder, why would he tell them what some of the group did unless he took no part in it? If he took part in the rapes, he'd likely keep his mouth shut. Rick has apparently decided that Randall must die and Dale is the only one opposed to the idea. He and Rick argue and he manages to get Rick to give him the rest of the day to try and convince people. He goes straight to Andrea and gets her to guard Randall. Despite agreeing with Rick, she agrees to his request. As she stands watch Shane attempts to convince her that a change of leadership is needed. Meanwhile, Carl goes into the barn where Randall is being kept who attempts to manipulate him. Shane bursts in, threatens Randall and shouts at Carl, who storms off.

Dale's first target is Daryl, who is living far away from the rest of the group. He tells Dale that he doesn't care what happens, that the group is broken. Meanwhile, Rick is looking for a good spot to hang Randall and Lori, despite her opposition to the death penalty, tells Rick that she agrees with his decision. Carl, more bored and angry than ever, calls Carol an "idiot" for saying Sophia is in heaven. His father lectures him for not thinking before he speaks, telling him to apologise.

Dale moves on to Hershel, who appears to care less about Randall than even Daryl does. It's not his decision and he wants no part of it, refusing to even talk to Randall. It's not going well for Dale so far. Carl, having been shouted at by Shane and lectured to by his father, decides to "borrow" a gun and wander off into the woods. You just know this is going to end badly... When he comes across a walker, stuck fast in the mud, he overcomes his initial fear and throws rocks at it.

If Dale had no luck so far, he's unlikely to get Shane to agree with him right? Wrong. Shane surprises both Dale and me by saying that if Dale can convince the rest of the group that Randall should be spared, he will go along with it. He still disagrees with Dale though, telling him that if it ends badly, the blood will be on his hands. Back at the house, Hershel has a chat with Glenn, saying that every father thinks no man will be good enough for his daughter, giving him a pocket watch that has been passed down in his family from father to son for generations.

As the sun sets, Rick talks to Lori about Randall's upcoming execution. She again says she supports him and Rick remarks that she hasn't yet said whether she thinks he's making the right decision. This is the right call, he says, and she nods silently. Back in the woods, Carl is preparing to execute the walker when it suddenly pulls one of its legs free and snatches for his arm. He runs away, getting back to the house in time for the start of the debate. He may be rude to Carol and throw things at an immobile walker, but he's still a kid and his terror shows through here.

Despite his best efforts, Dale has been unable to convince the rest of the group. Even Glenn, who would usually agree with him, says that the risk is too high. Maggie suggests keeping him prisoner but is shot down. Hershel says it could be a lean winter. He could be an asset, Dale replies. Fear has permeated the group and none of them are willing to even consider letting him join the group. When talk turns to how they would kill him, Dale protests that it sounds like they've already decided, launching into a passionate speech in opposition to executing him, saying "how are we any better than those people we're so afraid of?" Dale pleads with the group to do what's right and succeeds in convincing Andrea but no-one else. Dale has tears in his eyes as he echoes Daryl's comment: the group is broken.

Rick, assisted by Shane and Daryl, prepares to execute Randall when Carl walks in, demanding to watch. Furious, Rick is unable to go through with it and Randall's execution is postponed. Carl's walker makes a surprise re-appearance and one of the group is shockingly killed off.

The bulk of this episode centres around the agonising decision that people will be faced with in the event of a zombie apocalypse: what do you do when strangers turn up? Personally, I agree with Dale. Sentencing one of the few remaining humans to death for something that they might do is completely abhorrent. On the other hand, if I was in that situation, I can understand the argument that the survival of your group is more important than the survival of an outsider. It's a terrible decision that they have to make and, as Dale says, it's not one that can be made in five minutes.

The second half of the second series is uniformly excellent and this episode is no exception.

9 out of 10.

21 Jump Street (2012)

This Reviewer has never seen the original 80s TV series of the same name. In fact, I wasn't even aware of its existence until a few days before I went to the preview screening. Armed with the flimsy knowledge that a) it existed and b) Johnny Depp was in it, I really had no idea what to expect. If you're in a similar situation and you're concerned that there will be too many in-jokes or that you won't be able to keep up with what's going on, don't be. For the similarly uninitiated, picture a high school comedy-cum-buddy cop film made jointly by Judd Apatow and John Hughes.

Geeky Morton Schmidt (Jonah Hill) and jockish Greg Jenko (Channing Tatum) are the typical odd couple. Enemies in high school they become best friends at police academy as they realise that their only hope of graduating is with the help of the other. After graduation, their utter ineptitude sees them sent back to high school as part of the undercover "21 Jump Street" programme. Their mission: posing as students they must infiltrate the school's dealers and find out who is supplying them with the new drug HST. Oh, and they can't get expelled or sleep with a student or teacher. The movie's fifteen minutes old and you already know that they're going to end up taking the drug and doing at least one of the two forbidden acts.

When it began, I thought I'd accidentally walked into a screening of Superbad. Jonah Hill's geeky and awkward character tries to ask the hot girl if she wants to go to the prom with him and all I could think about was her morphing into Jules asking him to use McLovin's fake ID to get booze for her party. 21 Jump Street starts pretty slowly, introducing Morton and Greg, going from high school to police academy and their first arrest. It doesn't start badly and their botched drug bust is fairly funny but it's not until they go back to high school that it finds its rhythm and the laughs start coming. They're occasionally a bit hit-and-miss and the film meanders off on tangents that go on a bit too long but the hits are more frequent and more memorable so as to compensate for the misses.

Perhaps the best part of 21 Jump Street is the pairing of Jonah Hill and Channing Tatum. I couldn't think of a more unlikely buddy cop pairing if I tried, but somehow it works. They play off each other really well and Tatum even comes off as the more likeable as Hill's character drifts off into arrogance and self-aggrandisement towards the end of the film. Of course, when they arrive back at high school they get their identities mixed up so Morton ends up playing the stellar athlete and Greg the science geek. Their teachers, Rob Riggle's gym teacher, Chris Parnell's drama teacher and Ellie Kemper's chemistry teacher are hysterical and slightly underused but the best supporting roles come from Dave Franco (younger brother of James) and Brie Larson (Envie Adams in Scott Pilgrim vs. the World) as two of the popular kids. Here's where the John Hughes influence comes in. Unlike back in Morton and Greg's day, the jocks and the sports stars are not the most popular kids, the environmental activists are. It's a welcome change from the tired old stereotypes. In fact, when Greg accidentally commits a hate crime on their first day, no-one bats an eyelid that a student is both gay and black. Roles within the social hierarchy are reversed as Morton suddenly becomes one of the most popular kids in school and Greg finds himself hanging out with the science geeks. Then come the Breakfast Club-style lessons about fitting in, being yourself and the value of friendship. It meshes surprisingly well with the Superbad-style toilet humour (N.B. I mean that literally, there's probably the best gross-out toilet scene since American Pie on the half-hour mark) to round out what could otherwise have been a standard teen comedy.

Given that I had absolutely no idea what to expect, I was very pleasantly surprised with 21 Jump Street. It's very, very funny and if you go into it looking for just that, you'll have a blast. I still randomly burst out laughing when I think about Korean Jesus.

8 out of 10.

The Walking Dead 2.10 - 18 Miles Out

Only four episodes are left and 18 Miles Out gets straight to it, beginning in media res. Shane is running from a pack of zombies, Rick is fighting another one and the kid they rescued last week, Randall (Michael Zegen), is crawling along the floor, his hands and legs bound, as he tries to reach a knife. What's going on here?!? Unfortunately, we're going to have to wait to find out as we're taken back a bit first. Rick and Shane are driving from the farm, looking for somewhere to release Randall. First, they get out and talk. Rick demands the truth from Shane and he admits to killing Otis. Rick presses further, telling Shane he knew he was having an affair with Lori and that he will stay alive to protect his wife, his son, his unborn child.

Back at the farm, Maggie is talking to Lori about Glenn. "Tell him to man up", Lori says, taking some food to Beth (Emily Kinney). Beth doesn't seem interested in the food, or in much else, except for Lori's pregnancy, asking her how she could possibly bring a child into this world. Rick and Shane finally pull over at their destination: the place from the first scene. This place has a bad feeling about this. When a couple of walkers appear, Rick lectures Shane about conserving ammo and they dispatch them with knives instead. Strangely, they don't seem to have bit marks. They must have been scratched, the guys assume. I was practically screaming "IT'S AIRBORNE!" at them at this point.

Lori goes back to Beth's room and finds her choking back tears on her bed. "I can't promise it'll get better, but we can make now alright", she says. Taking her food back downstairs, she notices the knife is missing. Beth gives it back and Lori runs to find Maggie. Rick and Shane drag Randall from the boot of their car and prepare to leave him with just a knife for company. He begs them not to leave, coming out with the usual stuff and then he hits the jackpot: he tells them he knows Maggie. Oh shit. Rick and Shane debate over what to do. As usual, Shane says they should just kill him or he'll find his friends and lead them to the farm, pulling out his gun and shooting at him. Rick pushes him onto the floor and says he needs a day to think about it. Shane gets pissed off, telling Rick that he's a terrible leader and that he can't keep "them" safe. Unsurprisingly, Rick reacts badly and the two get into a vicious brawl that only ends when Shane throws a wrench at Rick that misses him and goes through a window. After an ominous pause, a walker bursts out. Rick kills it, only for dozens more to come streaming out. He hides under the walker's body, Shane runs for his life and Randall manages to get himself free, killing a walker.

While Maggie and Beth are shouting at each other upstairs, Lori and Andrea get into a fight downstairs. Andrea ticks Lori off for taking Beth's decision away from her and Lori calls Andrea useless, saying all she does is sit around with a gun while they do the real work. Andrea says that she's doing what matters, keeping them safe and that Lori is self-centered. After Lori brings up her husband and son constantly getting themselves into danger, Andrea spits back that she doesn't get it: she hasn't lost anyone, not like Carol, Beth and she have. In a parting blow, she tells her to go and tell Beth that everything will work out fine, she can have a husband, a son, a baby... and a boyfriend - all she has to do is look on the bright side! Meanwhile, Rick is fighting for his life, shooting two walkers in the head and then winning the Zombie Kill of the Week Award: lying on his back, with two dead walkers on top of him, he puts the barrel of his magnum in one of the walker's mouths and shoots a third walker through the back of its head. Tallahassee would be proud! Shane has run into a school bus from where he stabs zombies through a gap in the door until he drops his knife. Whoops.

Maggie's efforts are to no avail and Beth is as determined as ever to kill herself, suggesting they do it together. Andrea offers to take a watch over Beth while Maggie rests. Unlike the others, Andrea doesn't lecture her, only telling her that "the pain doesn't go away. You just make room for it" before leaving her alone. When Maggie comes back, she finds her bedroom empty and the bathroom door locked. Lori forces the door open and they find her with her wrist bleeding, crying and saying sorry. Shane's situation in the bus seems hopeless. He has no weapon, there are about a dozen walkers pressed against the door and he can't move or else they will break the door down and get in. Then he sees Rick and Randall driving away and fears the worst. They don't abandon him but launch a daring rescue instead. Maggie tells Andrea that Beth tried to kill herself and Andrea says that she's made her choice, she wants to live. Maggie is hearing none of it and tells her to stay away from the house. Lori of all people comes to Andrea's defence, saying that she wants to live and now she knows it. The episode ends with Rick and Shane putting Randall back in their boot. Rick admits that he's probably going to have to kill Randall, but says that he still wants to take a day to think about it. He tells Shane that he has to trust him and hands him his gun back.

Another fantastic episode! The action scenes are great and once again show off the brilliant, utterly convincing special effects on the walkers. The drama in the farm is confined almost exclusively to two rooms and the four women, with no other characters appearing on screen. When I first saw it, I lamented the fact that just a week after I praised the pairing of Carol and Daryl they didn't even feature in the episode, let alone together. After reflection, however, it was a good move. By showing only the four women, the tension and the drama between them is kept as visceral as the violence between Rick and Shane and the walkers. It allows each of the women room to breathe and to illustrate their differing reactions to someone's desire to commit suicide. It's expertly handled and shows yet again that the human side of The Walking Dead is just as, if not more important, than the confrontations with the walkers. If they can't survive each other, how on earth will they survive the walkers, especially now that we're being given hints that the virus has become airborne?

9 out of 10.