Underworld 4: Awakening (2012)

Continuing the trend from the previous film of simplifying the storyline, Underworld 4: Awakening goes one step further. So, what's the plot? Errr, there isn't one. Seventy-eight minutes after it begins, the titles start rolling and you'll be scratching your head wondering what just happened.

Set shortly after the events of Underworld 2: Evolution, humanity has become aware of the existence of vampires and werewolves. In typical human fashion, they decide that the best response to this revelation is to exterminate them. It goes well, with both species driven to the brink of extinction and Selene (Kate Beckinsale) and Michael (Scott Speedman) captured. When Selene escapes from the research facility she is being held in twelve years later, she begins suffering from visions and discovers that they are not Michael's, as she had assumed, but her daughter Eve's. Eve (India Eisley) is a hybrid and managed to escape, freeing her mother. They run into a vampire, David (Theo James), who takes them back to his coven where his father, Thomas (Charles Dance), berates him for bringing a wanted fugitive and a hybrid child to their safe house. They're attacked by werewolves and then they go on the offensive against the corporation that locked Selene up for all those years.

For the first twenty-five minutes, the film doesn't really go anywhere. We're filled in on the purge against vampires and werewolves and then Selene escapes, proceeding to wander around for a bit. After she meets Dave and her daughter, they go to the coven and things stall again. Then the werewolves attack and there's a big fight. Once it's over, we're more than two-thirds of the way through the film and pretty much nothing has happened. Dr. Jacob Lane (Stephen Rea) and his son, Quint (Kris Holden-Ried), are introduced as perfunctory villains and Selene gets help from friendly human detective Sebastian (Michael Ealy), but really, at this point, who cares?

Kate Beckinsale is her usual growling, ice-cold self and Charles Dance adds a sense of gravitas to the proceedings but the main bonus is that Scott Speedman doesn't technically appear on screen. Michael's roughly two minutes of screen time comes through use of a stand-in and a digitally-created likeness of Speedman. Thank goodness for that.

Scott Speedman's absence aside, there's really nothing else memorable or exciting about the film. There's no plot to speak of, no great fight scenes, no interesting characters, no reason to watch it at all. Underworld 4: Awakening is bland, boring and instantly forgettable.

4 out of 10.

Underworld 3: Rise of the Lycans (2009)

I didn't have particularly high hopes going into the third film on the back of the spectacularly terrible second. Maybe that helped lower my expectations as I actually quite enjoyed this one!

The challenge with a film like Underworld 3: Rise of the Lycans, where the audience already know how it will end (with Viktor killing Sonja, Lucian escaping from his grasp and the war between the vampires and the werewolves starting), is to ensure that it's still interesting enough. It helps that the credits start to roll in the eighty-third minute but that's not the only positive: the incomprehensible and convoluted plot of the second film has been ditched in favour of a much simpler narrative.

When Lucian (Michael Sheen), the first werewolf able to control his powers and re-assume human form at will, is born, vampire elder Viktor (Bill Nighy) ignores his instincts to kill the "abomination" and spares his life. Instead, Lucian is used as the template for a new breed of werewolves - lycans. No longer cursed to live as rabid beasts for all eternity, they are used as slaves by the vampires. Provided with a source of cheap labour during the night and watchdogs during the day, the vampires are able to concentrate on fighting the werewolves. Viktor's daughter, Sonja (Rhona Mitra), is restless and unwilling to sit in court as her father urges. She prefers to spend her time hunting werewolves with the Death Dealers. When she falls in love with Lucian, it's only a matter of time before things unravel and a vengeful Viktor kills his daughter, starting the war that will rumble on for centuries to come.

With Kate Beckinsale's role reduced to that of narrator, the role of female lead falls on the shoulders of fellow British actress Rhona Mitra. A capable actress, she does a perfectly satisfactory job and she and Michael Sheen go together nicely. Speaking of Sheen, he does a very good job and his role as Lucian is probably the best and most memorable of the entire film. Now six years older than when he first played the role, he is much more convincing as the werewolf leader. Bill Nighy is slightly less hammy than he was in the previous films and Steven Mackintosh and Kevin Grevioux return as vampire historian Andreas Tanis and werewolf Raze, respectively. Also, look out for Spartacus and Lord of the Rings actor Craig Parker in a small role.

With the awful acting and silly plots of the preceding two films done away with, Underworld 3: Rise of the Lycans is actually the best of the bunch. It's nothing exceptional but by god, at least it's competently made! Director Patrick Tatopoulos belies his history in special effects by not being overly reliant on them and instead delivering a solid piece of work. Another bonus is the removal of guns from the film. Crossbows replace them to a certain extent but most of the fighting is hand-to-hand combat and the film is much better for it.

It won't win any awards and it can't escape the feeling of familiarity that comes with expanding on an already well-defined story but the simplified plot, uniformly competent acting and bloody battle scenes combine to make the third film the pick of the bunch.

6 out of 10.

Underworld 2: Evolution (2006)

I've only ever seen Underworld 2: Evolution once before and I pray to the old gods and the new that I never have to watch it again. I remember it being pretty boring the first time and that feeling was only redoubled when I watched it for a second time.

It starts out quite well, with a flashback to the year 1202. The three vampire elders, Viktor (Bill Nighy), Markus (Tony Curran) and Amelia (Zita Gorog) are cleansing a village of werewolves and searching for Markus' twin brother, William, who is also the first werewolf. It's a good scene and it's also nice to see people fight with something other than lots and lots of guns. However, it's all downhill from there, I'm afraid. Back in the present day, Markus, newly awakened from his slumber, proceeds to finish off Kraven (Shane Brolly) and then sets out to find his brother. Selene and Michael decide to go looking for Markus to make their case to him but then change their mind shortly before he attacks them for seemingly no reason. They decide instead to visit exiled vampire historian Andreas Tanis (Steven Mackintosh), who delivers torrents of completely unfathomable exposition. Meanwhile, an old man on a boat called Lorenz Macaro (Derek Jacobi) examines the bodies of Viktor, Amelia and Lucian. He finds the second half of a pendant inside Viktor, the first half of which was in Lucian's possession until he died and Michael took it from him. The pendant turns out to be the key to opening the prison in which William has been locked and Markus wants it so that he and his brother can rule the world.

It's complete and utter horseshit. What was once well thought-out mythology has become nonsensical rubbish. More than half of the film is taken up with various characters talking endlessly about "hybrids" and "bloodlines" and "purity" and introducing various new centuries-old characters. The other half consists mostly of gunfights that make the first film look like The Matrix. No-one can hit a target barely twenty feet from them and apparently a massive werewolf can survive being locked in an iron maiden-like coffin for hundreds of years without dying of starvation or thirst.

Markus, who is literally an overgrown bat, spends most of the film flapping round and stabbing people with his talons, then drinking their blood to steal their memories. We are at least spared from Shane Brolly's dreadful acting as he dies within the first twenty minutes but nothing can spare us from Scott Speedman. Kate Beckinsale growls her way through the film and Derek Jacobi wanders round like he can't believe what he signed on for. Neither can I, sir. Neither can I. Bill Nighy once again hams it up so much in his flashback scenes that I thought he would actually grow a curly tail. It might be almost half an hour shorter than the first film but it drags so slowly you'd think it was just as long. Endless scenes of utterly inane dialogue about god only knows what and gunfights on ships, in castles and in the forest are all mixed together and covered with a very liberal blue coating to arrive at this contrived mess. Avoid like the plague.

2 out of 10.

Underworld (2003)

I was so excited when this film came out in 2003. Vampire Kate Beckinsale in a skin-tight leather outfit fighting werewolves... how could it suck!?! Well, it did. Badly. The second one was even worse and I've never seen the third one (I started to watch it a couple of years ago but I was too tired so I turned it off and went to bed). But, with the fourth one recently released on DVD, I decided to watch and review them one at a time. Up first, well, the first one.

Vampires and werewolves (or lycans, as they're known in the series) have been at war for centuries but now the vampires are seemingly on the verge of victory. The "Death Dealers", vampiric assassins, are hunting the last few werewolves down and Selene (Kate Beckinsale) is among their number. When the werewolves' leader, Lucian (Michael Sheen), takes an unusual interest in a human (Scott Speedman), Selene grows suspicious and defies the leader of her coven, Kraven (Shane Brolly), by awakening her creator, the vampire elder Viktor (Bill Nighy). Once the human's importance is revealed, the two sides are drawn into a confrontation that could change them forever.

I may have been a teenager back then but I could probably have written a better film myself. The first major flaw with the film is the fact that the vampires are massive pussies. I mean huge, wimpy, pathetic pussies. The werewolves are massive, muscular beasts and the vampires just hiss a lot. Whenever there's a one-on-one between some vampire and some werewolf, the vampire gets eaten. Probably the best example of this is towards the end of the film when a vampire and a werewolf square off in a partially flooded room. The werewolf changes and the vampire gets out his weapon: a pair of pathetic-looking whips. I mean, what was he going to do, tickle the werewolf to death? Well, no. One of them gets stuck and he gets eaten. Serves him right. This brings me to the second major flaw: the weapons. The film was billed as "vampires vs werewolves". A more accurate description would have been "people with guns shoot each other (oh, and they just happen to be vampires and werewolves)". It's a huge disappointment. These two classic horror species face off and the best they can do is fire guns at each other. Lame. The final battle ends up just being a load of people shooting at each other. The third major problem is the acting. Shane Brolly, who plays the vampire Kraven, has all the acting ability of a slightly damp umbrella and he ruins every scene he's in. Kate Beckinsale's not bad, although to be fair she just has to pout a lot and look good in a catsuit. Scott Speedman has essentially disappeared since starring in the first two Underworld films and based on his performance here it's not hard to see why. Bill Nighy overacts to compensate for almost everyone around him being useless. Michael Sheen isn't bad either but as a centuries-old werewolf leader he's just not convincing. Sophia Myles is beautiful but doesn't have enough to do in a role that should have been expanded. Everyone else either hams it up (Erwin Leder, I'm looking at you) or is just plain awful. Oh, and Kevin Grevioux has a really weird voice. He's a massive 6'2" werewolf and he sounds like somebody kicked him in the balls.

Anyway, flaws to one side, the film does actually have some positives. The backstory is incredibly detailed and very well worked out. The story of how the two sides came to be at war is also nicely done and a pleasant surprise. It also looks suitably dark and gothic. Ultimately though, good backstory and nice scenery mean naught when the plot's not good enough and the acting stinks. Oh, and at two hours and thirteen minutes, it's much too long.

Depressingly disappointing. A waste of a good idea and badly acted to boot.

4 out of 10.

Red State (2011)

Whatever happened to Kevin Smith? Since he made Clerks II in 2006, his career has been on a bit of a slide. I liked Zack and Miri Make a Porno but Cop Out was quite poor. It must be pretty annoying for him to see Judd Apatow doing so well, having essentially supplanted him in the same time period. I was aware at the time that there had been a controversy over the release of Red State but I didn't pay too much attention to it. I thought the trailer looked good and I decided to watch it at some point. Well, here we are.

The Five Points Trinity Church, run by Pastor Abin Cooper (Michael Parks), is a church so virulently homophobic and extreme that they make the Westboro Baptist Church look moderate by comparison. When sex-starved high school kids Jared (Kyle Gallner), Travis (Michael Angarano) and Billy Ray (Nicholas Braun) arrange a hook-up with a local woman, they think they're going to lose their virginity to her. Unfortunately for them, she turns out to be Abin Cooper's daughter Sarah (Melissa Leo) and the trio are drugged, abducted and taken back to the church, which is inside something resembling a military compound. After witnessing Abin Cooper preach his message of hatred and intolerance to his extended family, the kids watch on as the family executes a gay man. Knowing that they are next, they try to make a break for it. Meanwhile, acting on a tip-off from local sheriff Wynan (Stephen Root), Special Agent Keenan (John Goodman) of the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives arrives outside the church to arrest the Cooper family on suspicion of possessing illegal firearms. He's half-right. The family don't have some illegal firearms, they have an entire armoury of them. The situation quickly deteriorates and erupts into a massive fire-fight.

For a film that's supposedly a satire of homophobic, far-right Christians, it's pretty low on the satire and for a film with a huge gun battle between the government and said tooled-up Christian nutjobs, the action is surprisingly disappointing. Also, I note that it's listed as an action-horror film. There's nothing about this film that makes it a horror. It's more of an action-thriller if anything. Furthermore, in the last twenty-five minutes just falls apart. It descends into stupidity and then there's a change of pace so abrupt and jarring that it made me crick my neck. Kevin Smith's skill as a writer is well-known but he's a pretty poor director and it really shows here. The talented cast do quite well and Michael Parks is the pick of the bunch as the hate-filled preacher but he can't quite lift this film out of middling mediocrity.

Red State is an interesting idea that certainly has legs. Unfortunately, Kevin Smith wastes it. It's not acerbic enough, shocking enough or sufficiently well-made.

5 out of 10.