Piranha 3DD (2012)

Piranha 3D was un-fucking-believable and one of my favourite films of 2010. It was one of the most consistently fun and enjoyable films I've seen in ages and I had high hopes for Piranha 3DD. I honestly never thought I would see it at the cinema. After having its 2011 release pushed back indefinitely, I assumed I would have to watch it at home. When it got a cinema release, I was delighted. By promising to double everything from the first film, how could they possibly go wrong? How many times have I said that? I will learn my lesson eventually.

First things first, it's not terrible, it's just terribly disappointing. The story's pretty simple: marine biologist Maddy (Danielle Panabaker) returns from university to the water-park that she and her step-father, Chet (David Koechner) co-own. He has built a new "adults only" section and replaced all the lifeguards with strippers in the hopes of boosting business. Maddy meets her ex-boyfriend Kyle (Chris Zylka) and her friends Shelby (Katrina Bowden), Barry (Matt Bush) and Ashley (Meagan Tandy). That evening at the lake, piranhas kill Ashley and her boyfriend and attack Shelby and her boyfriend, with one of them swimming inside Shelby's vagina (can you guess what's going to happen with that one?). The next day, Maddy and Shelby are attacked by piranhas as they sit on the pier at the lake. Maddy kills one of them and she, Kyle and Barry take it to Carl Goodman (Christopher Lloyd), who tells them that the piranha from Lake Victoria have travelled through underground rivers and lakes and man-made pipes and sewage systems. Attracted by the chemicals in the water, the piranha are moving closer to the water park. On the day of the park's grand re-opening, David Hasselhoff appears as a celebrity lifeguard and the piranha close in...

The ingredients are all there: returning characters Carl Goodman, Deputy Fallon (Ving Rhames) and Drew Cunningham (Paul Scheer); hot young actresses; ridiculous bad guys; brilliant cameos and over-the-top gore and nudity. But, where Alexandre Aja expertly blended all the ingredients in the first film, director John Gulager of the Feast films can't get it quite right. The film takes too long setting things up and there are four separate instances of a pair of people being attacked by the piranhas as they venture into the lake. When things finally kick off and the piranha attack the water park, the carnage simply isn't there. People get out of the water too quickly and what could have been an orgy of violence turns out to be more like a dry-humping of violence. I mean, they even manage to mess up a penis-biting scene! The ending is incredibly sudden and the whole thing lasts barely seventy-five minutes - an extended credits sequence with outtakes from the film lasts about ten minutes.

The best thing about the film is easily David Hasselhoff. He's fantastic, really funny and pokes fun at himself and his role in Baywatch. Danielle Panabaker and Katrina Bowden are fine (although if you're wondering whether Panabaker finally survives a horror film, you'll have to watch and find out) but the other characters just fall flat. David Koechner's villain just isn't sleazy enough and neither Chris Zylka not Matt Bush have enough personality. They should have given Deputy Fallon more screen time too. The ending sets us up for Piranha 3DDD but whether it will actually get made remains to be seen.

All in all, a really disappointing follow-up. When David Hasselhoff is the best thing about your film, you know you've gone wrong somewhere.

4 out of 10.

Game of Thrones 2.7 - A Man Without Honour

There are some honourable men on Game of Thrones but there are far more who have no honour. Joffrey springs to mind straight away, as do Jaime Lannister and now, Theon. We begin where we left off, at Winterfell. Theon wakes up to find his bed empty and one of his men dead. Assembling the others, he berates them for allowing a halfwit and a crippled boy to escape. Lorren (Forbes Keir-Bucknall) tells him that Rickon and Osha escaped too, noting that he was the one who fucked her last night. Theon promptly kicks the shit out of him and sets off with horses and dogs to find them, Maester Luwin (Donald Sumpter) accompanying them. Theon promises not to kill the boys if they find them quickly and Maester Luwin points out that they are worth more alive than dead and that Robb will have dispatched a force to re-take Winterfell by now. Theon is unconcerned; his sister is much closer and Winterfell's defences are legendary.

Osha (Natalia Tena), Rickon (Art Parkinson) and Bran (Isaac Hempstead-Wright), who is carried by Hodor (Kristian Nairn) are still on the move. They come across a farm and Bran recognises it as the one that he sent two orphans to, in order to assist the owner in collecting the harvest. He doesn't want to stay but Osha points out that they can't run from hounds forever.

Jon wakes up, still spooning Ygritte (Rose Leslie). She asks if he has a knife pressed up against her and Jon gets flustered, telling her they are to keep moving. She asks him if he's ever been with a girl and he tells her to be quiet. She starts teasing him about what the men of the Night's Watch get up to with no women around. "No wonder you're all so miserable", she remarks. Jon's not in the mood for it though and tells her to shut up. She tells him that she might be his prisoner but she's still a free woman, mocking him for not being able to touch a woman because he swore an oath. Jon replies that it's the price he paid for joining the Night's Watch. She asks him why he chose to invade her lands rather than sleep with women. Jon tells her that Wildlings raid his land all the time, that some of them tried to kill his little brother. They've always been our lands, Ygritte replies. You just built a wall and claimed everything south of it. Jon tells her his ancestry, that he's as much a northerner as she is. "So why are you fighting us?" She asks, walking off.

The reprisals for Amory Lorch's death are swift with men tortured and hanged in droves. Tywin (Charles Dance) tells Gregor Clegane (Ian Whyte) that it was wolfsbane that killed Lorch, not something easily come by. Gregor replies that they believe it is the work of an infiltrator from the Brotherhood Without Banners. Tywin demands they be caught and killed by any means necessary. Arya arrives with Tywin's lunch, mutton stew. Tywin turns his nose up, giving it to Arya. She eats as he looks out the window, telling her that this war will be his last, that win or lose it will be his legacy. He tells her that King Harren the Black intended for Harrenhal to be his legacy. The largest, most powerful castle ever built, it was impregnable to attack from the ground. Unfortunately for him, Aegon the Conqueror and his dragons were able to overwhelm it, killing him and all his sons. Arya reminds him that Aegon's sisters Rhaenys and Visenya flew dragons against Harrenhal as well. She impresses Tywin with her knowledge of Visenya, revealing her to be a heroine of hers. Tywin remarks that she reminds him of his daughter and asks where she learnt about Visenya. Arya replies that her father taught her. Tywin says that he's never met a literate stonemason and Arya asks if he's met many stonemasons, prompting Tywin to caution her about going too far. He sends her back to the kitchens but not before he corrects her grammar, telling her that lowborn girls say "m'lord" not "my lord", adding that if she is to pose as a commoner, she should do it properly. Arya replies that her mother served House Dustin and taught her how to speak properly. Tywin tells her she's too smart for her own good and sends her away. Arya turns around with a "thank fuck I got away with that" look on her face and leaves. Tywin smirks and drinks from his goblet.

In King's Landing, Sansa runs into Sandor Clegane (Rory McCann) and thanks him for saving her, praising his bravery. He tells her that it took no bravery, that he takes his pleasure from killing. Sansa protests that her father never took pleasure in killing. Sandor tells her that he lied and that one day she will be grateful for him, when he's all that stands between her and Joffrey.

Xaro (Nonso Anozie) tells Daenerys that he has called a meeting of the Thirteen. She asks why he is helping her. Apparently he's concerned for his reputation, having brought her into his house. She doesn't care though and walks off.

Ygritte hasn't finished telling Jon how much better they have it north of the wall. They don't have to take silly oaths or follow men who are king just because their father was, which is why they chose Mance Rayder for their king and why he came north -because he wanted to be free. She tells him that he could be free too. He could build a cabin and take his pick of Wildling women for a wife. She's getting to him but he just tells her to carry on walking.

Robb is hearing from Alton Lannister (Karl Davies), who has returned from King's Landing with news of Cersei's response to his peace terms. Robb thanks him and, lacking room, sends him to be kept with Jaime Lannister. Talisa (Oona Chaplin) asks for a minute of his time. Dealing with so many wounded men means that she has run low on supplies and asks if she can give Robb a list for him to give to the Maester of The Crag when he goes to negotiates its surrender. Robb tells her to come with him so she can just take what he needs.

Theon and his men have found the farm that the fugitives saw earlier. The dogs have lost the trail and Maester Luwin suggests starting again in the morning but Theon refuses to give up. He interrogates the farm owner, who claims not to have seen them but Dagmer (Ralph Ineson) has found something: empty shells of Rickon's favourite nuts. Theon ominously sends Maester Luwin back to Winterfell.

Daenerys is glumly looking over her empty dragon cages when Jorah finally returns. She seems pleased to see him and mourns that Irri died alone, that she could not protect her. Doreah is missing too, presumed dead. Jorah tells her that he should not have left, that the people of Qarth are not to be trusted. Daenerys asks who it is that she can trust. The Targaryens? The Dothraki? The people of Westeros? Jorah tells her that she is not her brother, deluded and foolish and that she can trust him. She says that she does not need to trust anyone and that he is too familiar. He asks how he can help and she tells him to find her dragons.

Ygritte is convinced that Jon is lost and teases him again, this time about what his fellow rangers would say if she told them they slept together. She tells him that if it's her word against his, they may as well have sex anyway, telling him how wet and warm she is. He gets flustered again, grabbing his sword. She backs off and uses the distraction to pull her leash out of his hands, running off up out of the valley and over the top. He goes after her, finding only the rope. She pops out from behind a rock as wildlings emerge all around him. "Should have took me while you had the chance", she tells him.

Sansa's dreams are full of the moments before she was almost raped. She wakes up screaming and panting, noticing that the bed is wet with blood. Terrified that she will have to start having Joffrey's children now, she tries to cut the patch out of the sheets but it has soaked through to the mattress. Shae (Sibel Kekilli) walks in and they try and turn the mattress but when Shae is off scaring another maid who saw the bed, Sandor walks in and sees it too. Sansa is taken to see Queen Cersei, who comforts her and tells her that she is now fit to bear children for the King. Cersei says that Joffrey has always been difficult and tells her how Robert was not present for the birth of any of her children, adding that at least Grand Maester Pycelle and Jaime were with her. Joffrey will not be there for you either, she says. You will not love the King, but you will love his children, she adds. Sansa replies that she does love Joffrey. Cersei is touched and advises her to love only her children. "Shouldn't I love Joffrey?", Sansa asks. "You can try", Cersei replies.

Alton Lannister is being held in Jaime's (Nikolaj Coster-Waldau) cage. Despite being his cousin, has no idea who Alton is. Alton tells him that he squired for him and they talk about their first taste of battle, Jaime saying how he first squired for Barristan Selmy. Alton asks if he's ever thought about escape. Jaime says that he has and brings Alton closer. Head-butting him, Jaime bashes his head in with his shackles. The guard, Torrhen Karstark (Duncan Lacroix), hears the commotion and comes into the cage. Jaime catches him unawares and breaks his neck.

Jorah has gone to see Quaithe (Laura Pradelska) who tells him that he loves Daenerys. He asks where her dragons are and she asks him if he will betray her again, Jorah having once been Varys' spy. He replies, "never" and she tells him that the thief is with her now. Not very helpful as she's currently in a meeting with the Thirteen. The Spice King (Nicholas Blane) is annoyed at being called a liar and remarks that if Daenerys' dragons do die without her, it will be for the best as the world will be saved from them. Pyat Pree (Ian Hanmore) sides with Daenerys but then tells her that he has her dragons. He explains that he made a deal with the King of Qarth, to the laughter of the Thirteen. Daenerys says exasperatedly that there is no "King of Qarth". Xaro stands up and proclaims himself King, joined by Pyat. He tells the eleven others that they have been close-minded for too long. The Spice King replies that three baby dragons and a charlatan do not make you a King. Empires have been built by less, Xaro replies. Pyat says that Daenerys will be re-united with her dragons. Copies of him then appear behind the eleven men, killing them. Daenerys runs but one of the copies blocks her way. Jorah appears, stabbing it, to no avail. The copy vanishes and then reappears behind them, telling Daenerys that her dragons are in the House of the Undying and that she should go to them.

Jaime managed to escape but did not get far. Catelyn emerges from her tent to find the guard's father, Rickard Karstark (John Stahl), demanding Jaime's head. He tells Catelyn not to stand in his way and she asks if he has forgotten who she is; she is the widow of his Liege Lord and the mother of his King. She promises that Jaime will be brought to justice but now is not the time. She orders him to stand down and Rickard marches off, swearing that he will have Jaime's head. Jaime mockingly thanks her and she has him sent to the stockades. "You've become a real she-wolf in your later years" he says.

Tyrion is with Cersei, re-reading the latest news of Stannis' movements and it's not good. He gives it four or five days before he arrives to lay siege to the city but she is not worried. She quotes their father and Tyrion reminds her that he's not with them. It's just them and Joffrey, who needs to start acting like a King, he says. Cersei laments that she cannot control him. She says that she hoped he would be like Jaime and openly wonders if she did the right thing by having children with her brother. She recalls the saying "every time a Targaryen is born, the gods flip a coin". Tyrion comforts her, saying that Tommen and Myrcella are both good children. Cersei sobs and Tyrion looks at her with a mixture of comfort and concern.

Night has fallen and Robb has still not returned. Some men are still arguing about Jaime and Cersei and Brienne (Gwendoline Christie) pay him a visit. Jaime shows no remorse for killing Torrhen, saying that any knight would do the same. Catelyn tells him that he is no knight, that he has forsaken every vow he ever took. Jaime replies that sometimes vows overrule each other. Cateyln says that Brienne is a truer knight than he will ever be and calls him by his nickname, Kingslayer. Jaime recalls how he stabbed the King in the back and she says that he is a man without honour. He replies that he has only ever been with one woman, his sister. Unlike Ned Stark, he adds. He asks what Jon's mother's name was and asks if she pretended to love Jon when Ned first brought him home, telling her that she must have hated Jon. Catelyn asks for Brienne's sword. She draws it, handing it to her.

Theon has the people of Winterfell assembled, telling them that he warned them what would happen if they did not obey him. He gestures and two, small blackened bodies are drawn up for everyone to see. Maester Luwin cries out in anguish.

I can't believe there are only three episodes left. This series has gone by so quickly. Much too quickly. As I said, there are many men without honour and Joffrey and Jaime are certainly in that category. Theon is too but there's still no way those bodies are Bran and Rickon's. They're clearly the bodies of the two orphans sent to help the farmer. Not that that helps Theon much, he's building an awful reputation for himself. Jaime on the other hand doesn't care what anyone thinks. Theon may be acting like a twat but Cersei certainly showed her softer side this week. First with Sansa and then with Tyrion she displayed more humanity in this episode than she has in the preceding sixteen. Catelyn showed her harder side again. Will she kill Jaime? Don't bet on it. She'd love to but she knows she'll never see her daughters again if she does. Once again, the Stark sisters have contrasting fortunes. Arya's scenes with Tywin are wonderful. The two actors play off against each other so well. They have real chemistry and their scene today was probably my favourite from the whole episode. Running in a close second is Jon and Ygritte. She's absolutely brilliant. She knows just how to push his buttons and she's really funny too. The other couple who should just really get it over with and fuck each other are of course Daenerys and Jorah. She doesn't trust him and he's in love with her. Of course it will end badly but not for a while yet. In the mean time, what the fuck is she going to do next? I knew Pyat had taken her dragons and I KNEW Xaro was involved somehow. I really hope Jorah ends up killing him, he's far too full of himself. Will she go to the House of the Undying? There's no way the new King of Qarth and his stooge will just let her take the dragons back so they must have something else in mind. Does he still think she will marry him? Fool! She will take her vengeance with fire and blood and... oh wait, she's already done that routine hasn't she.

Brilliant, yet again. Utterly flawless in every single way.

10 out of 10.

The Borgias 2.6 - Day of Ashes

Is the Pope's new-found piety genuine? It certainly seems so as he washes the feet of an old woman in a public ceremony celebrating Ash Wednesday. Cardinal della Rovere and his friar friend (Roger Lloyd-Pack) are watching on but are not convinced. In Florence, Friar Savonarola (Steven Berkoff) is also marking the occasion. As several men flagellate themselves, he cuts off a noblewoman's hair as she repents. The di Medicis try and move through the city centre unnoticed but they are spotted by the crowd and forced back as Savonarola preaches against them and the Pope.

Cardinal della Rovere is teaching his young recruit Antonello (Jesse Bostwick) about cantarella. He intends to give him small doses of the poison so that he can build up some resistance to the poison and not succumb to it immediately when he is trying to assassinate the Pope. Antonello drinks a solution of the poison and is wracked with pain.

Their intended target is alone in a confessional and wondering aloud who the Pope confesses to. Cesare interrupts him and asks for his own confession to be heard. Cesare confesses to murdering Giovanni Sforza and sleeping with Caterina Sforza. The Pope asks if he at least managed to convince Caterina to come to Rome in peace. Uh, no. The two leave the confessional and the Pope rages at his son for starting a war just as god shows his displeasure. Cesare asks to be given command of the Papal army but the Pope tells him they do not have the resources and tells Cesare to explain to his sister why she must marry again.

At a dinner with his cardinals that evening, the pope tells the assembled men that they will remain in Rome over Lent and fast with him. The Pope is about to tuck into his paltry sardines when his taster, Brother Bernadino (John Arthur), insists on testing them first. He gives them the all clear and the meal proceeds.

Absent from the meal was Cardinal Sforza who is in Florence, meeting with Savonarola. He invites the friar to Rome to meet with the Pope but Savonarola refuses, telling the cardinal that he has much work still to do in Florence. Sforza then offers him a cardinals hat which Savonarola takes and then throws in his face, telling him that no man can put a price on salvation.

Cesare goes to see his sister, taking with him a small package. He tells her that while he promised her Giovanni Sforza's heart, he was only able to bring her the next best thing: the bloody knife that he killed him with. Lucrezia laments that she would rather have her innocence back. The Pope then comes in and asks her if Cesare has broken the news yet. He hasn't, so the Pope gets right to it, telling her that they need another alliance. Unsurprisingly, Lucrezia doesn't take the news well, asking how the last one turned out. She insists that she will not marry again but the Pope puts his foot down.

Vannozza is bathing when the Pope pays her a visit, asking if she has turned Lucrezia's mind against another marriage. His former mistress replies that she had nothing to do with it, adding that the first marriage saw to that. The Pope asks for her help in marrying Lucrezia off again. Vannozza explains that their daughter still loves Paolo and is reminded of him every time she looks at their son. The Pope tells her that Cesare fucked things up with Caterina Sforza and explains that they need a new alliance to shore things up in the north. He suggests the nephew of the Doge of Venice and asks Vannozza to give him the once over for him. She agrees and he remarks how good she looks but she rebuffs his flattery, reminding him that he has taken a vow of chastity for Lent. The Pope leaves, looking rather glum.

Niccolo Machiavelli (Julian Bleach) is in Rome on official business. Cesare meets with him secretly and Machiavelli reports that the de Medici's house is being attacked and they are fleeing to Rome. Cesare asks about the family's bank and Machiavelli reports that all the money, including the Vatican's deposit there, could be lost. What remains is being smuggled out of Florence.

Vannozza visits Lucrezia, telling her that the Pope has asked her to vet suitors, explaining that at least this way she will have some choice. Lucrezia doesn't see it that way but her mother points out that even when her husband was being cruel to her, she still found love with Paolo. Lucrezia admits that finding love again would be nice and the two hug.

As Antonello recovers from the poison, the Pope is sitting down to another plate of sardines. As his taster examines them, the Pope asks him how he would feel if he did consume poison and die. The taster replies that he would feel happy having died in place of the Pope. After dinner, Cardinal Sforza reports back to the Pope that Savonarola, his power growing daily, turned down the offer of a cardinal's hat. He also reports that Cardinal della Rovere has been spotted meeting with Savonarola and the Pope moodily replies that they should have "dealt with" him sooner. Upon hearing the news that Savonarola claims to speak directly with god, the Pope's mood improves. This could be grounds to excommunicate the friar and even burn him at the stake.

Vannozza, Giulia and Lucrezia are continuing their mission to improve the lives of Rome's downtrodden. Today, they meet with cardinals Piccolomini (Bosco Hogan) and Versucci (Vernon Dobtcheff) in a large abandoned building. Guilia explains that they want to renovate the place to house the poor. The cardinals protest that the office of public works has been drained of funds and Vannozza asks them if Giulia should widen her investigation to include the cardinals' palaces and Rome's brothels too.

Cardinals Piccolomini and Versucci meet with Cardinal Sforza to complain about the women and their obsession with helping the poor, asking how long the Pope's new-found piety will last for. Sforza replies that it should be over by Easter and advises the cardinals to keep quiet and pay for the restoration work.

The Pope asks Cesare to travel to Florence and meet with Savonarola, to tell him that he is banned from speaking in public ("he will laugh in my face", Cesare replies), that he is to be charged with heresy ("he will laugh in your face") and that he is to be excommunicated ("he will deny your right to do so") and that he is to be burnt at the stake.

Machiavelli meets again with Cesare, telling him that some of the Medici gold has left Florence, disguised as alum. He gives Cesare a map of the route and excuses himself. Cesare promptly seeks out Micheletto and orders him to round up the men. Micheletto wonders what kind of reward Cesare could expect for rounding up some of the missing gold and Cesare replies that he wishes to be free of his cardinals robes and given charge of the Papal army.

Vannozza and Lucrezia prepare to meet the nephew of the Doge of Venice. Vannozza tells Lucrezia that the Doge is a wealthy man who dotes on his nephew and asks that she at least meet him. Lucrezia agrees, asking her mother to meet him whilst she watches. Vannozza meets with the man as Lucrezia looks on from above, hidden from view. The Pope joins her and asks for her verdict. It's a no.

Cesare explains his plans to his merry men, promising them a share of the spoils in return for their work.

Vannozza delivers a box full of gold coins to Giulia and Lucrezia, much to their delight. The three toast their success and declare that their work will begin.

The Pope receives Piero de Medici (Cesare Taurasi), asking why he has fled Florence. He explains that angry crowds have thrown stones at him and burned his house. The Pope asks if he has brought the Vatican's missing money with him and he replies that the money is safe but being moved to a new location. He then asks for the Pope's protection and for assistance in dealing with Friar Savonarola. The Pope replies that Cesare has already been sent to Florence to deal with Savonarola and that if he is successful, a new bank will open in Florence: a Vatican bank.

In Florence, Savonarola is just beginning to preach in his church when Cesare enters, accompanied by four Papal soldiers. He tells Savonarola that he has been censured by the Pope and ordered to stop preaching. Savonarola announces to the crowd that he will use the paper it is written on to wipe his arse. Cesare lowers his voice and warns the Friar that he is standing too close to the fire and liable to get burnt.

Antonello has recovered from the cantarella so Cardinal della Rovere prepares some more for him. He drinks it and collapses again from the pain.

In the streets of Florence, suspected sodomites are being stoned. Cesare watches on as a gang of young boys try and take his ring from him. Refusing them, the boys accuse him of sodomy and Cesare and his merry men take their leave. Riding out of the city, they set off for the second part of their mission.

On a misty dirt road, a convoy of wagons is ambushed by Cesare's merry men. The wagons are not as unguarded as they had hoped, with several soldiers hiding inside the wagons. A battle breaks out and Micheletto saves Cesare from being shot with a crossbow. The soldiers are overwhelmed and Cesare climbs into a wagon, digging through the alum to find the gold hidden inside.

Lucrezia is preparing to see her sixth suitor and complains to her mother that what was once an amusing distraction has become tiresome. Vannozza tells her to just pick one, put a strong lock on her door and be done with it. Lucrezia spies on the man, Calvino Pallavicini (David Alpay) but she is apparently more interested in his younger brother, Raffaello (Tom Austen).

Cesare has returned to Rome and brought news of Savonarola's defiance with him. Bringing his father to a window, he shows him the wagons and tells him that they now have enough gold to lay siege to Caterina Sforza's castle in Forli. If they can find the rest, he adds, they could conquer Florence. The Pope asks if Cesare would lead the expedition and Cesare replies that he would. The Pope tells his son that what he asks is impossible. He needs one son in cloth and one in the army, adding that he could never make Juan a cardinal. Speaking of Juan, the Pope adds that he is returning to Rome, apparently a reformed man and bringing with him some battle-hardened conquistadors. The Pope asks Cesare to promise him that he will embrace him like a brother when he returns. Cesare replies that he must do it for him, as he will be in Florence dealing with the Church's business. The Pope leaves and Cesare scatters a handful of Medici coins on the floor in anger.

Well, the mini-battle was a lot better than the last time Cesare's stray dogs saw combat, that laughable confrontation with the French scouts in episode four. Other than that, there was nothing particularly notable about this episode. Cardinal della Rovere was mostly absent and the only Sforza, Cardinal Sforza, didn't do much apart from visit Friar Savonarola. Vannozza had some good moments, particularly when she reminded the Pope that he had sworn off intimacy for Lent. The Pope himself seems quite hamstrung by his new-found piety. Jeremy Irons is doing all he can to squeeze some malevolence into the character but when he can't commit lechery or blasphemy, it's not exactly an easy job. The scene where he plots to have Savonarola burnt at the stake is one of the best from an otherwise average episode. It's a good job Juan's coming back, he'd have been perfect to spice up an episode like this one.

6 out of 10.

Veep 1.4 - Chung

Danny Chung (Randall Park), the Governor of Minnesota, has just released a new book. Dan and Amy attend the book launch where Senator Doyle (Phil Reeves) hints that he's withdrawing his support from the Veep's filibuster reform. The Veep, meanwhile, is prepping for an interview on Meet the Press. Amy brings back a signed copy of Chung's book for the Veep, prompting her to wonder whether Chung thinks he has a serious chance of replacing her on the ticket. Mike dismisses Chung's war record and Amy is told to put together a file on him. The Veep is about to leave when Jonah arrives to tell the Veep not to push filibuster reform too hard on Meet the Press but to talk about immigration instead.

The next morning, Amy and Gary pick up the Veep and accidentally see her canoodling with Ted (Andy Buckley). On the way to the studio, Amy gives the Veep good news - Chung was born in China before his father got US citizenship, meaning he cannot be VP. On Meet the Press, the Veep talks immigration and successfully back flips from the pro-amnesty position she held during the campaign. Unfortunately, when the interview ends she tries to dismiss talk of Chung running for President but accidentally says that he's "not American". Gary is sent to see if the sound guy got the quote but he messes it up. Panicking that the quote will be released, Jonah spares them when he tells them that a crane has collapsed at the harbour in Portsmouth, Virginia, killing two and injuring many more. Trying to cover their relief, the Veep is sent to the hospital to meet the survivors and grieving families.

The Veep goes to the hospital, meeting the survivors and families and getting a good photo op when a doctor tells a family that their son will be OK. Thanking the medical staff, she gives a speech, telling the families and assembled media that if the investigation into the tragedy reveals it was caused by incompetence, the White House will intervene. The sound bite of the Veep questioning Chung's nationality breaks on the TV behind her as the crowd praise her for talking tough on Chinese immigration. News of Senator Doyle's withdrawal from the Veep's filibuster reform then breaks. Sensing an opportunity to pick up more support for her filibuster reforms and win support from the immigration reform caucus, the Veep sends Dan and Amy to meet with Arizona Senator Bill O'Brien (Brad Leland). Chung then goes on TV to announce that both of his parents were U.S. citizens before he was born, meaning that he is eligible to be President. Amy blames a researcher and he is promptly fired. The Veep flirts with Ted over the phone, which Mike accidentally overhears. At the meeting with Senator O'Brien, Amy and Dan propose that the Veep opposes amnesty for illegal immigrants in return for O'Brien's support for filibuster reform, which he gives them.

Not a bad episode but no a brilliant one either. The best line comes in the first scene when Dan says that the only people who use "withdraw" as a verb are Catholics, butlers and the Israeli army. Other than that, it's not overly amusing. An episode where the Veep questions a Chinese-American's citizenship should have been funnier and more satirical but it really isn't. Disappointing.

6 out of 10.

Game of Thrones 2.6 - The Old Gods and the New

Maester Luwin (Donald Sumpter) bursts into the rookery, locking the door behind him and hastily scribbling a message on a piece of parchment. He just has time to attach it to a raven's leg and launch the bird out of the window before the door bursts open and armed men storm in. Bran (Isaac Hempstead-Wright) is woken from his sleep by Theon who tells him that he has seized the castle and wants him to yield Winterfell to him. Bran refuses but Theon tells him that a good lord would yield to keep his people safe. Bran asks him if he always hated them and Theon walks off wordlessly. In the courtyard, Bran announces that he has yielded Winterfell to Theon. The people aren't convinced and one man who speaks out is beaten for his trouble. Theon promises that he will be good to them if they serve him well and instructs Maester Luwin to send ravens to his father and sister. Osha (Natalia Tena) asks Theon to serve him but he refuses her. Bran asks her why and she explains that his dream has come true - the ocean has come to Winterfell. The other part is about to come true too. Rodrik Cassel (Ron Donachie) has been captured on his way back from Torrhen's Square. He insults Theon and says he has no honour. Theon defends himself, saying that he was raised among the Starks, not as a Stark and that his real brothers were killed by Stark men. Rodrik laments that Ned Stark is not alive to see what Theon has become and spits in his face. Theon orders him sent to the dungeons but Dagmer (Ralph Ineson) insists that he die for his insolence, lest he lose face to both his men and his new subjects. Theon agrees and sentences him to death. Maester Luwin tries to reason with Theon, telling him that Rodrik is worth more alive than he is dead but Theon ignores him. Dagmer draws his sword and Rodrik mocks Theon for not swinging the sword himself. Baited by the old man, Theon draws his sword. Bran begs Theon not to do it but Theon tells him he doesn't give orders anymore and Rodrik tells him that he's off to see his father. Theon asks Rodrik if he has any last words. "Gods help you, Theon Greyjoy. Now you are truly lost", he replies. Four swings of Theon's sword and a stamp of his boot later and Rodrik's head rolls across the courtyard.

North of the wall, Qhorin Halfhand (Simon Armstrong), Jon Snow and three other rangers are marching through the snowy wastelands. Ghost is with them but has wandered off ahead. Jon calls to him but to no avail. Qhorin notes him that wild things have their own rules, telling him that wildlings sleep during the day and hunt at night. Jon asks if they should do the same but Qhorin tells him he has lost too many good men to crevices they couldn't see in the darkness. Think you know the north and it will kill you, he says. Jon says he would gladly give his life and Qhorin angers, telling Jon that he doesn't want him to gladly give his life, he wants him to fight with his every last breath. Even if he does give his life, no southerner will even know his name, Qhorin says.

At Harrenhal, Tywin Lannister (Charles Dance) is berating Amory Lorch (Fintan McKeown). Lorch had sent a letter detailing troop movements meant for Lord Damon of House Marbrand to Lord Marlin of House Dormund, an ally of House Stark. Lorch apologises but Tywin sends him out. A guard enters and informs Tywin that Petyr Baelish has arrived. Arya's smirk vanishes. Tywin orders the rest of his war council out and Arys tries to sneak out but he orders her to clear the table. Baelish enters and the two men exchange pleasantries as Arya pours wine and clears the table, staying out of Baelish's sight. Baelish tells Tywin that the Tyrells, in possession of the third-largest army and most fertile land in Westeros, have not declared for a new king following Renly's death. He notes that Loras blames Stannis for Renly's death and that Margaery wants... to be Queen, Tywin finishes, adding that they rebelled against his grandson. That should be punished, Baelish says, after Stannis and Robb Stark have been defeated. Tywin calls to Arya for more wine and Baelish looks quizzically at her back before continuing that he would ride to Highgarden on Tywin's behalf. Arya spills some wine and Baelish again looks at her but Tywin sends her out before he can get a good look at her. Baelish continues that he met Catelyn Stark on behalf of Tyrion, bringing her an interesting proposal about her daughters.

North of the wall, the Night's Watch have found a group of wildling scouts. One of the other rangers shoots a wildling with his bow and Jon and Qhorin leap into action. Qhorin quickly despatches two but Jon has more trouble with his wildling, who parries his sword blow before diving to grab an axe. Jon grabs him in time, pushing him onto a rock to reveal that he is in fact a woman. A striking young woman with flame-red hair. Jon is stunned and suggests they question her. She reveals her name to be Ygritte (Rose Leslie). Jon gives her his name and Qhorin warns that given half a chance she'd bury her axe in his face. She tells them to burn the bodies but Qhorin knows that a fire would only bring more wildlings. She warns them again about the bodies but Qhorin tells her that Jon has already killed one dead man. He asks her how many wildlings Mance Rayder has gathered and she says he has an army larger than Qhorin has ever seen. He asks her if Mance intends to march against the wall but she will say no more. Qhorin asks her if she knows who he is. Qhorin Halfhand, she replies. He asks her what the wildlings would do if they captured him. They'd cut your head off if they were feeling kind, she replies. If not, they'd kill you slowly. Qhorin sighs and tells Jon that they have no food for her, can't spare a man to watch her and can't let her go, lest she tell her people where they are. He draws his sword but Jon says that he will do it. Qhorin tells him to be quick and he and the others leave. Ygritte tells Jon that he's never killed a woman before and that he doesn't need to start now, telling him that Mance Rayder would welcome him into his army and the crows would never know. I'm as much a crow as they are, Jon replies and Ygritte turns onto her stomach, holding her head over the edge of the rock. She asks Jon if he will burn her but he can't. She pulls her hood aside, telling him to strike hard and true or she will come back and haunt him. He places his sword on her neck and hesitates. She tells him to hurry up but he can hardly look at her. "Do it. Bastard, do it!" she tells him and he steels himself, raising his sword and swinging it back down. He couldn't do it, sending his sword wide of her head. She looks at him, half in shock and half in thanks before coming to her senses, kicking him backwards and running off. Jon picks himself up and chases after her but she already has a good head start on him. She runs around a hill but he runs over it, launching off the summit and sliding down the other side to come crashing into her. He draws his knife but she says what they both know: he can't do it, adding that night is falling and he's all alone.

Back in King's Landing, Myrcella (Aimee Richardson) is being shipped off to Dorne to be betrothed to Trystane Martell. The High Septon (David Verrey) offers prayers and the Royal Family look on. Queen Cersei tells Tyrion that she hopes one day he truly loves someone, so she can take her from him. Tyrion glares at her and storms off. Tommen (Callum Wharry) cries as his sister leaves. Joffrey mocks him but Sansa defends him, earning herself a rebuke from the King. The Royal party makes its way back to the Red Keep, past hundreds of peasants who line the streets. The crowd grows restless and begins calling for food. Someone throws a cowpie at Joffrey and he orders them all killed. A full-scale riot begins to break out and the Royal party tries to force its way through to safety. Sandor Clegane (Rory McCann) drags the King away but the High Septon is not so lucky, torn to pieces by the starving crowd. In the commotion, Sansa is separated and Tyrion is the only one who notices. Confronted by several men, she runs off down an alleyway. Safe inside, Joffrey demands they all be killed. Tyrion, furious, notes that they've had vicious kings and idiot kings but never before a vicious idiot. Joffrey protests and insists that he was attacked. Tyrion shouts that one of them threw a cowpie because they are starving because of a war he started, slapping Joffrey across the face. He asks where Sansa is and Joffrey says that they can have her. If she dies, Jaime will never come back, Tyrion replies, adding that he owes his uncle quite a bit. In the alleyway, Sansa is caught by her pursuers who prepare to rape her. Tyrion tells Meryn Trant (Ian Beattie) to go and find Sansa but Trant replies that he only takes orders from the King, who says nothing. Just as one of the men is about to rape her, Sandor comes to her rescue, slaughtering them. Sandor carries her back to the keep, earning Tyrion's thanks. Sandor replies that he didn't do it for Tyrion.

In Qarth, Daenerys is frustrated at having to wait to see the Spice King. Xaro (Nonso Anozie) tells her that she needn't see him at all if she just marries him. She replies that she already has a husband but Xaro tells her that she is too young and beautiful to remain a widow. She tells him that she will not succumb to flattery but he replies that he has never yet met a woman who does not respond to flattery. The Spice King (Nicholas Blane) finally appears. After the pleasantries, Daenerys gets straight to the point. She wants the Spice King to give her ships so she can cross the Narrow Sea, telling him that she will repay him triple. He tells her that he judges trade on its merits, asking her if she has an army. She says no. He asks if she has powerful allies and she replies no. He tells her that he cannot make investments based on hopes and dreams and goes to leave. Daenerys tells him how Illyrio Mopatis gave her three petrified dragon eggs and that when she acted out her dream by stepping into fire with the eggs, they hatched and she was unhurt. He admires her passion but again refuses to give her ships. She tells him that with fire and blood she will take what it hers. Yes, he replies, but not with my ships.

Back in Harrenhal, Tywin catches Arya reading one of the notes on the table. She tells him that her father taught her how to read and he tells her how he taught Jaime to read, even though it was a great difficulty to do so. He asks Arya about her father and she tells him that he was a stonemason and that his loyalty killed him. Arya asks Tywin if he knew his father and he says that he did. He was a good man but he was weak and nearly destroyed House Lannister. With Tywin distracted, Arya is able to grab the note, which contains troop movements and information about Robb's forces. She runs through the castle but runs straight into Amory Lorch. Suspicious, he takes the note from her and doesn't believe her when she says Lord Tywin gave it to her. He drags her off to see him but she breaks free and runs off. He looks for her but gives up. Desperate, Arya seeks out Jaqen H'ghar (Tom Wlaschiha) and names Lorch as the second man he is to kill for her. She tells him to hurry because he's going to tell Tywin but it appears she is too late. Lorch opens Tywin's door and falls flat on his face with a poison dart sticking out of his neck.

Robb Stark is moving amongst his men when he spots Talisa (Oona Chaplin). She questions his belief that she is of noble birth but he maintains that he is right. She teases him that she could be a Lannister spy and he is about to invite her to join him when his mother returns. He awkwardly introduces Talisa who finally gives her full name: Talisa Maegyr. Catelyn is unfamiliar with her surname and she says that she is from Volantis, a free city on Essos. She excuses herself and Catelyn catches Robb watching her leave. She tells him that she wishes he could follow his heart and reminds him that he is betrothed to one of Walder Frey's daughters. Roose Bolton (Michael McElhatton) then arrives with news from Winterfell.

Beyond The Wall, Jon has Ygritte's arms bound to her side as he leads her along. They have made their way back to the wildling camp and there they will remain overnight. He binds her legs with the rest of the rope as she tells him to light a fire. He refuses and lies her down. He walks off but she tells him they will stay warmer if they sleep next to each other, betting that he freezes to death before she does. Jon walks back over, takes off his belt and spoons her. She asks if he thinks his friends are still looking for him and he replies yet. She asks if he thinks they will find him and he replies yes. "You're brave", she tells him. "Stupid, but brave." He tells her that they will start again at first light. She grinds her hips into his, teasing him as he snaps at her to stop it.

Robb is dumbfounded. He cannot believe what Theon has done but Roose tells him that other ravens have confirmed the news. Furious, Robb intends to return north. Roose tells him that Kings don't have to do everything themselves, offering that his bastard round up several hundred men and re-take Winterfell, bringing Theon's head back down to Robb. He adds that the Lannisters are on the run and if they go back now, they would lose everything they have gained. Robb agrees, telling him that Bran and Rickon's safety is paramount and that Theon be brought to him alive so he can explain himself before he is executed.

Speaking of Theon, he's settled into his chambers when Osha is brought before him. She wants to serve him. Theon is not interested until she says that there are other ways she can serve him, opening her robe and telling him that she knows savage things. Theon sends the guard out and she lets her robe fall to the floor. She tells him that it comes at a price - she wants her freedom. Theon agrees, as long as she serves him well.

Sansa is being tended to by Shae (Sibel Kekilli). She tells her that the men who wanted to hurt her had never even met her. Shae replies that her horse eats better than his children do. Sansa says that she would give them food if she had it to give, adding that she hates Joffrey more than any of them. Shae tells her not to say such things, that it is not safe to trust anyone.

Osha has apparently served Theon well as he lies fast asleep. she climbs carefully out of bed and out of the door. In the grounds, she seduces a guard before killing him with his own knife. She whistles and Rickon (Art Parkinson) and Bran, carried by Hodor (Kristian Nairn) emerge from the shadows, quickly followed by their direwolves, Shaggydog and Summer.

Back in Qarth, Daenerys laments her meetings with the various "kings". The Spice King won't support her because she's a bad investment, the Silk King won't support her because of his business with the Lannisters and the Copper King does offer to give her a ship, but only if she sleeps with him. Xaro tells her that when he came to Qarth, he had nothing and now he is the richest man in Qarth. He has done many things, he tells her, but nothing he regrets. Opening the door to her quarters, they find all of Xaro's guards lie dead. Daenerys rushes up the stairs to her bedchambers, finding Irri (Amrita Acharia) lying dead on the floor and her dragons gone, their cages open. "Where are my dragons?" she cries. A hooded figure has them in a crate on his back as he climbs up steps towards a tall stone tower.

Theon, how could you?!? I mean, I still like Theon so I won't rejoice when Robb takes his head from his shoulders but I won't exactly mourn for him either. Poor Robb. Not only has he been betrayed by the man he thought of as a brother but his burgeoning interest in Talisa will ultimately come to naught. It's safe to say he's had better episodes. Jon, meanwhile, may just have found a possible love interest too. Ygritte may have an awful name but she's awfully spunky too - just the kind of girl that Jon could end up with. If she doesn't betray him to her people, that is. Sansa didn't have the best of times, either. Almost raped as she was. Joffrey is becoming even more of a cunt, if that were humanly possible. Nice to see Tyrion slapping him though. Hopefully someone will add it to that very satisfying gif of all the times he slapped him from the first series. Arya used her second murder to good effect. I'm positive that Baelish recognised her though. My suspicion is that he'll tell Catelyn that he knows where she is, thus forcing Robb to attack Tywin head on. Daenerys just can't catch a break can she? To be honest, I'm not surprised someone stole her dragons. Khalesi I love you and everything but could you just shut up for once about how you're going to burn everyone to the ground. We've heard it all before and it's not a shock that someone decided to pinch them, if only to get you to shut up about how awesome they are. Speaking of, it's blatantly Pyat Pree, the warlock from the House of the Undying who stole them. Oh, and we can cross Osha off the list of "girls on Game of Thrones who haven't taken their clothes off yet". By my reckoning, that leaves us with Queen Cersei, Gilly, Yara Greyjoy, Talisa and Ygritte who are still on the list. I doubt Cersei will come off the list though, although Lena Headey has taken her clothes off on camera before so there's still hope.

Anyway, nudity aside, this was a great episode. I actually watched it three times, more than any other episode so far this series. Plenty of brilliant lines, some absolutely hilarious moments and the scene where Arya tries to avoid being noticed by Baelish was genuinely nerve-wracking. The riot in King's Landing was probably the stand-out scene of the episode and we've been building up to it for some time now. Another fantastic episode. Only four more to go now.

9 out of 10.

The Borgias 2.5 - The Choice

With King Charles running from Italy with his tail between his legs, the Pope can turn back to exacting his revenge on those who betrayed him. The first target? The fucking Sforzas!

Another church service in the Vatican and the collection plates are going round once again. Lucrezia remarks upon the ingenuity of the Church: Catholics pay to see the splendour, which makes the church richer and thus more magnificent which encourages more donations. Giulia and Vannozza agree and wonder if they can use the cardinals' secrets to their advantage.

The Pope is still suspicious as to Cesare's whereabouts on the eve of the battle. He asks his son if he took part in the raid on the French gunpowder stores but Cesare reminds him that he wears the robes of a cardinal, not the armour of a soldier. With King Charles out of the picture, the Pope wants to turn his attention to his next enemy. "Friar Savonarola?" offers Cardinal Sforza. "Your cousin, Caterina!" the Pope replies. She has fled to her castle in Forli and taken some French cannons with her. The Pope wants her to come to Rome and kiss his ring, willingly or in chains. Cesare volunteers to do it and his father agrees, heading to Florence with Cardinal Sforza to deal with Savonarola. Riding only with Micheletto, Cesare asks him if he knows anyone in Forli. Micheletto replies that he certainly does, having been born there.

In Florence, the Pope and Cardinal Sforza enter the church where Friar Savonarola (Steven Berkoff) is preaching to a crowd about the decadence and greed of the church. Cloaked and hooded, they listen to his fiery rhetoric. Cardinal Sforza is uncomfortable and suggests they leave but the Pope is keen to hear more. As they do so, Cardinal della Rovere, also cloaked and hooded, walks past them, not noticing them and they not noticing him.

In Forli, Micheletto returns to see his mother, Isabella (Barbara Flynn), Cesare in tow. She thinks that her son is studying to be a doctor and Cesare that is his teacher. Cesare, of course, goes along with the whole thing, embarrassing Micheletto no end. We're then introduced to Augustino (Darwin Shaw), who is apparently getting married to a woman with a lazy eye. Cesare and Micheletto make their excuses and leave. Micheletto apologises for his mother's fantasies. Cesare asks if she has any more. Micheletto replies that she believes her husband died at work in the fields when in fact he killed him.

Back in Florence, Cardinal della Rovere seeks out Friar Savonarola at the end of his service. Savonarola mocks his failure to depose the Pope. Della Rovere suggests instead that they kill him. Savonarola asks if he will really go through with it and della Rovere says that he will, if he has Savonarola's blessing. "Ride out, like death on a pale horse", Savonarola replies, granting his blessing. The Pope and Cardinal Sforza meanwhile pay a visit to the Medici Palace, home of Piero de Medici (Cesare Taurasi), the ruler of Florence and his adviser Niccolo Machiavelli (Julian Bleach).

Cesare and Micheletto arrive at Forli Castle where they are greeted by Caterina Sforza (Gina McKee) and her son Benito (Noah Silver). Cesare delivers the Pope's summons which she does not take well, telling him that she only bows when it suits her and noting that there are ways of surrendering without submitting. Cesare starts to deliver the Pope's message of vengeance if she does not come willingly but she cuts him off and insist that they eat first.

Piero de Medici relays to the Pope the activities of Friar Savonarola and his followers. They want to ban art, outlaw money and abolish banking and he is essentially a prisoner in his own palace. The Pope says that perhaps he will withdraw the Church's assets from Florence and bring them back to Rome but Piero tells him Savonarola has spies everywhere. The Pope suggests buying him off with a title or with the promise of heaven itself...

After dinner in Forli, Benito sings for his mother and Cesare. Micheletto, meanwhile, meets up with Augustino in a graveyard. The two casually strip off and start kissing. Taken on a tour of the artefacts of Forli Castle by Caterina, Cesare remarks that her ancestors have apparently never kneeled. She disagrees and promptly kneels in front of him before bidding him good night and having a servant show him to his room. Cesare begins undressing when Caterina interrupts him, telling him that her servant "accidentally" led him to her room by mistake. They flirtingly threaten each other and then begin kissing too. Clad only in a see-through negligee, she climbs on top of him and Cesare gets down to the tricky business of diplomacy. After their graveyard shag, Micheletto tells Augustino that his marriage will be a lie. Augustino replies that Micheletto's studies are a lie. The next morning, Caterina isn't finished with Cesare yet. They spoon as she tells him that she knows his cannons are fake, remarking that Borgias are commoners of a rare Spanish breed, moaning as Cesare thrusts away.

Leaving Florence, the Pope and Cardinal Sforza continue discussing how to nullify Sevonarola. The Pope suggests making him a cardinal. Cardinal Sforza suggests burning him at the stake, as he intends for Caterina. "Is she a heretic too?" the Pope jokes. Cardinal Sforza tells him that his cousin is a woman in a man's world. The Pope replies that he wants to befriend her and hold her close. "As you hold myself?" Cardinal Sforza asks. "Indeed", the Pope replies, both of them sporting uncomfortable smiles. The Pope's procession departs Florence, noticed by Cardinal della Rovere, who rushes ahead of it.

Back in Rome, Lucrezia, Giulia and Vannozza pay a visit to a brother frequented by cardinals. Introducing themselves to Beatrice (Katie McGuinness), who briefly befriended Paolo when he came to Rome, they tell her that they are from the Committee for the Betterment of the Lives of the Ladies of the Roman Night. She takes them to meet her madam, Rosa (Jacqui Dankworth). They make her an offer: give them the names of all the cardinals who frequent her premises and they will pay for the cleaning and refurbishment of said premises.

Cardinal della Rovere returns to Rome and meets up with his friar friend (Roger Lloyd-Pack), bringing him news of Savonarola's endorsement of their plan. The friar does not see how they can get past the Pope's guards but della Rovere has a plan. He means to take advantage of the Pope's love of women, food and wine and deliver a dose of cantarella, the same poison that very nearly killed him.

At his second evening meal at Forli Castle, Cesare finally delivers the Pope's full message, including the threat to drag her to Rome in chains if she does not go willingly. She tells him that she will give him her answer at breakfast the next day and he tells her that he already knows her answer. Toying with him, she tells him that the choice is hers and for one more night at least, he belongs to her.

Cardinal della Rovere is explaining his plan to a group of supporters. When it is pointed out that the Pope has tasters for his food and wine, della Rovere explains the second part of his plan: one of them must go and work for the Pope, undercover, willingly consume something laced with the poison and then give it to the Pope. He asks for a volunteer and one by one they all leave.

Cesare and Caterina spend the evening on the rug in front of the fire in her room and Micheletto and Augustino do likewise in the graveyard again. Could they really not find a better place to meet? Augustino tells him that they must not meet again. Micheletto grabs him by the neck, as he once did to his father but sends him on his way instead of killing him. Finished with Cesare, Caterina meets with her cousin Giovanni (Ronan Vibert) and tells him that they have a choice to make.

Tending to a garden alone, Cardinal della Rovere is interrupted by a young monk called Antonello (Jesse Bostick) who volunteers to die for their cause. Della Rovere explains what he must do, the painful death he must endure and the young monk explains that he would do so willingly.

Cesare is finishing breakfast when Giovanni Sforza drops in on him. The two exchange awkward pleasantries until Giovanni insults Lucrezia. Cesare warns him not to speak ill of his sister and Giovanni reminds him that he was humiliated in front of the whole of Rome. Fortunately, Caterina interrupts them with her answer. It's a no. She walks off and Cesare grabs a knife from the table, plunging it into Giovanni's hand. Seizing another knife, Cesare wrestles with Giovanni, managing to drive the knife up into his throat. He pulls it back out again and pushes Giovanni back onto the table and stabs him ferociously and repeatedly in the stomach, the Lord's blood pouring onto the floor. Interrupted by a maid, Cesare makes his escape, barely getting past the guards before joining up with Micheletto, the two of them barely escaping on horseback.

In a packed church, the Pope is conducting a mass. A great storm is brewing outside and a sudden bolt of lightning hits the roof, sending debris crashing down and crushing many people. The churchgoers flee but the Pope and several others are stuck on the far side of the church by the falling debris. As an altar boy is struck by some debris and trapped underneath it. The Pope calls out for help as he tries to free the boy but no-one comes to his aid. Pulling the boy free, he makes for the exit but it is too late and the boy dies in his arms. Emerging into the pouring rain with the boy's body in his arms, the Pope calls for help. One cardinal remarks that the disaster was the work of god. The Pope replies that god will judge them on how they act now but no-one goes with him as he runs back into the church. When the storm passes, the Pope sits amongst the wreckage and dead bodies. He asks Cardinal Sforza if it was a message from god. Cardinal Sforza replies that it was just a bolt of lightning but the Pope believes that god has signalled his displeasure, pledging to atone for his sins with fasting and prayer. "For how long?" the cardinal asks. "Until he smiles on us again", the Pope replies.

Now that's more like it! After last week's disappointing episode, The Borgias gets right back on track with heaping helpings of sex, violence, sodomy and pernicious plotting. The big news is that Giovanni Sforza is finally dead! I thought this day might never come but the wife-beating slob finally got what was coming to him and well done Cesare! The sub-plot with Micheletto's mother was quite strange and I presume his fans will have enjoyed his late-night visits to the graveyard with Augustino. I preferred Cesare's dalliances with Caterina Sforza myself but hey, whatever floats your boat. Caterina will probably wind up going the same way as her cousin. Speaking of Sforzas, the Pope's moment with Cardinal Sforza when they were preparing to leave Florence was brilliant and really emphasised that the tension is still there between them, no matter how well they've been getting on lately. Lucrezia, Giulia and Vannozza continue their project. At least they're not drowning orphans this week. Finally, poor Cardinal della Rovere. Just when he finds some poor sacrificial lamb, the Pope is almost killed by a collapsing church roof and decides to start fasting. Brilliant! That scene in the church at the end of the episode was magnificent, probably the best of the series so far. Are we seeing a new side to the Pope? Will he abandon his lecherous, partying ways and become a fastidious servant of his god? I hope not, that would be unbelievably dull!

The Borgias is back on form. More of the same next week, please!

9 out of 10.

Veep 1.3 - Catherine

The Veep's daughter, Catherine (Sarah Sutherland, daughter of Kiefer), is in town and the Veep is preparing to celebrate her twentieth year in Washington D.C. but a story about her being a diva is doing the rounds. Combined with stories that she and the First Lady don't get along, the Veep decides to deflect some of the negative press by getting a dog and also doing away with the massive cardboard cut-outs of her that were planned for her party. Anna is relieved as she was worried the cut-outs made the Veep look like Stalin although Dan insists they have more of an Eva Braun look to them. Mike, meanwhile, is working on announcing Chuck Furnam, a former oil man, to the Veep's clean jobs task force. Looking for a perfect moment to announce, he decides that they should do it at Senator "Rapey" Reeves' dedication ceremony. To compound things, the Veep finds out that Selina is on the list for names for hurricanes that year. Worried that it might bring more bad press, she gets her staff to change it.

At the dedication for Senator Reeves' memorial recreation centre, Senator Doyle (Phil Reeves) tells Mike that Chuck Furnam would be unacceptable on the clean jobs task force. Meanwhile, oil lobbyist Sidney Purcell (Peter Grosz) and Senator Hallowes (Kate Burton) tell Anna and Dan respectively that Furnam would be unacceptable to the oil lobby. Unfortunately, the Veep lets slip to Furnam (Eddie Jones) that he will be named to the task force. Forced to deal with a "catch 44", the Veep cancels her lunch with Catherine and pushes up the announcement of her new dog. At her party that evening, Jonah flirts with Catherine and Dan works out a solution to the Chuck Furnam problem: keep Furnam on but tell Sidney Purcell that he will have special access to the Veep and tell Senator Doyle that oil want Purcell on the task force, forcing him to back down and insist that chuck Furnam join the task force. Catherine finds out about the re-naming of the hurricane and ends up having a conversation with her mother about how she is too much of a politician in a room full of cardboard cut-outs and massive posters of her. Everything seems to be back on track when Jonah finds out about the Veep's new dog and tells her that the First Lady is also getting a new dog, forcing her to "kill" the new dog, much to Catherine's chagrin.

Veep is finding its feet and getting better with each episode. Once again, everything comes spectacularly unstuck for the Veep. Particular highlights from this episode was her telling her daughter that she's not a diva in front of Stalin/Eva Braun style posters of her and Mike's fake dog. The last scene, with her greeting a seemingly endless line of party guests was also very good.

7 out of 10.

Red State (2011)

Whatever happened to Kevin Smith? Since he made Clerks II in 2006, his career has been on a bit of a slide. I liked Zack and Miri Make a Porno but Cop Out was quite poor. It must be pretty annoying for him to see Judd Apatow doing so well, having essentially supplanted him in the same time period. I was aware at the time that there had been a controversy over the release of Red State but I didn't pay too much attention to it. I thought the trailer looked good and I decided to watch it at some point. Well, here we are.

The Five Points Trinity Church, run by Pastor Abin Cooper (Michael Parks), is a church so virulently homophobic and extreme that they make the Westboro Baptist Church look moderate by comparison. When sex-starved high school kids Jared (Kyle Gallner), Travis (Michael Angarano) and Billy Ray (Nicholas Braun) arrange a hook-up with a local woman, they think they're going to lose their virginity to her. Unfortunately for them, she turns out to be Abin Cooper's daughter Sarah (Melissa Leo) and the trio are drugged, abducted and taken back to the church, which is inside something resembling a military compound. After witnessing Abin Cooper preach his message of hatred and intolerance to his extended family, the kids watch on as the family executes a gay man. Knowing that they are next, they try to make a break for it. Meanwhile, acting on a tip-off from local sheriff Wynan (Stephen Root), Special Agent Keenan (John Goodman) of the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives arrives outside the church to arrest the Cooper family on suspicion of possessing illegal firearms. He's half-right. The family don't have some illegal firearms, they have an entire armoury of them. The situation quickly deteriorates and erupts into a massive fire-fight.

For a film that's supposedly a satire of homophobic, far-right Christians, it's pretty low on the satire and for a film with a huge gun battle between the government and said tooled-up Christian nutjobs, the action is surprisingly disappointing. Also, I note that it's listed as an action-horror film. There's nothing about this film that makes it a horror. It's more of an action-thriller if anything. Furthermore, in the last twenty-five minutes just falls apart. It descends into stupidity and then there's a change of pace so abrupt and jarring that it made me crick my neck. Kevin Smith's skill as a writer is well-known but he's a pretty poor director and it really shows here. The talented cast do quite well and Michael Parks is the pick of the bunch as the hate-filled preacher but he can't quite lift this film out of middling mediocrity.

Red State is an interesting idea that certainly has legs. Unfortunately, Kevin Smith wastes it. It's not acerbic enough, shocking enough or sufficiently well-made.

5 out of 10.

American Pie: Reunion (2012)

I was just too young to have been caught up in the craze that surrounded American Pie when it was first released in 1999 and I didn't see it until about 2002 but it was still the defining teen comedy of my generation. It's strange to think that kids who weren't even born when the first one was released will be sneaking into cinemas to watch the fourth one. Given that it's been nine years since the last one (not counting the spinoffs), is there appetite for another slice of pie?

The five friends have had differing fortunes since the last time they were all together. Jim (Jason Biggs) and Michelle (Alyson Hannigan) have a two-year-old son. Kevin (Thomas Ian Nicholas) is working from home as an architect and is henpecked by his wife Ellie (Charlene Amoia). Stifler (Sean William Scott) is a temp, working in an office as an assistant for the boss (Vik Sahay). Oz (Chris Klein) is a D-list celebrity: a presenter of a sports show, a former contestant on Celebrity-Dance Off and in a relationship with supermodel Mia (Katrina Bowden). Finch (Eddie Kay Thomas) has apparently disappeared and turns up with tales of his trips around the world on the back of his motorbike. Heather (Mena Suvari) is a doctor and dating a surgeon (Jay Harrington). The only thing we learn about Vicky (Tara Reid) is that she's single and been living in New York.

It's not just the gang and their former love interests that return. Jim's Dad (Eugene Levy), now a widower, has a prominent role. Stifler's Mom (Jennifer Coolidge) is a supporting character and Nadia (Shannon Elizabeth), Jessica (Natasha Lyonne), The Sherminator (Chris Owen) and even the MILF guys (John Cho and Justin Isfeld) all have cameos. New characters include Kara (Ali Cobrin), Jim's newly-turned eighteen-year-old neighbour whom he used to babysit for; her boyfriend, A.J. (Chuck Hittinger) and Selena (Dania Ramirez), one of Michelle's friends from Band Camp.

After reuniting for their high school reunion, the guys quickly discovered that things didn't turn out as they'd all hoped. Jim and Michelle have found their sex life suffer after having a child; Kevin is unhappy at being stuck at home all day; Stifler, stuck in a job he hates, misses high school; Oz, looking for commitment, wants his girlfriend to settle down with him and Finch, far from being the urbane traveller he wants people to think he is, is in fact an assistant manager of a stationery shop. Depressed that their lives didn't turn out as they hoped, they begin to look elsewhere. Kara throws herself at Jim and Oz and Kevin are drawn back towards Heather and Vicky.

So, with all the old gang back together, is the magic still there? Was the film worth making? Just about. The chemistry between Oz and Heather is genuine but Kevin and Vicky seem forced together and Kara's interest in Jim is just silly. Mia is the only genuinely funny new character and Katrina Bowden plays her very well. The biggest laughs come from Stifler and Jim's Dad, particularly when the latter meets Stifler's Mom. There is a general feeling of nostalgia and a relatable sense of familiarity to the characters' worries but the old magic isn't quite there. After a promising opening, the film resorts to Stifler shitting in A.J.'s beer cooler and the scene where the guys have to sneak a topless Kara back into her bedroom is a bit of a misfire.

The film's decent enough and certainly worth a watch if you're a fan of the films but there's nothing new or outstanding here.

6 out of 10.

The Avengers/Avengers Assemble (2012)

First of all, it's not really necessary to have seen any of the preceding Marvel Cinematic Universe films before you see The Avengers. You might feel left out at some of the in-jokes, but this isn't The Lord of the Rings we're talking about here and the plots from the films haven't exactly been taxing. Still, for those of you who may be going into this blind, allow me to offer a brief summary of the five films you may have missed: meet Tony Stark (Iron Man), Bruce Banner (Hulk), Steve Rogers (Captain America), Thor and Natasha Romanoff (Black Widow). Together, they are The Avengers. Not that they know it yet. Oh, and Thor's evil step-brother Loki. He's after the Tesseract, the MacGuffin of the series. That's pretty much it.

The plot for The Avengers is slightly more taxing: said superheroes must join together, put their differences aside and stop Loki from getting his hands on the Tesseract. Well, I said slightly more taxing. To be fair though, the main draw of the films thus far has not been their superb storylines but their action scenes and The Avengers is no exception. The story revolves around Loki's quest to steal the Tesseract from S.H.I.E.L.D. and use it to dominate the Earth. After Loki (Tom Hiddleston) arrives on Earth through a portal opened by the Tessseract, he pinches it and takes Dr. Erik Selvig (Stellan Skarsgard) and Clint Barton a.k.a. Hawkeye (Jeremy Renner) as hostages despite the best efforts of Nick Fury (Samuel L. Jackson), Maria Hill (Cobie Smulders) and Phil Coulson (Clark Gregg). In response, Fury activates The Avengers Initiative. Fury recruits Rogers (Chris Evans), Coulson recruits Stark (Robert Downey Jr.) and Romanoff (Scarlett Johansson) recruits Banner (Mark Ruffalo). They're reluctant but eventually agree. Thor (Chris Hemsworth) then shows up and, after sparring with Stark and Rogers, joins them too.

The action revolves around two main set-pieces: a battle in mid-air on the Avengers' flying aircraft carrier (yes, a flying aircraft carrier) and a final showdown in New York City. As usual, they're spectacular and Joss Whedon's flair shows through. He also deftly balances the film between leads; both ensuring that they all get roughly equal screen time and also making sure that Robert Downey Jr. both gets all the best lines and doesn't overwhelm the other characters. This is after all his film and his franchise. Without him delivering the success of Iron Man, we wouldn't be here some four films later.

Ultimately, this film is a balancing act: between leads, between action and exposition and between fucking awesome action and over-the-top silliness (The Expendables, I'm looking at you). Credit to Joss Whedon for pulling it off, like I knew he would. It's big, it's loud, it's funny, it's everything you'd expect it to be.

8 out of 10.