Maester Luwin (Donald Sumpter) bursts into the rookery, locking the door behind him and hastily scribbling a message on a piece of parchment. He just has time to attach it to a raven's leg and launch the bird out of the window before the door bursts open and armed men storm in. Bran (Isaac Hempstead-Wright) is woken from his sleep by Theon who tells him that he has seized the castle and wants him to yield Winterfell to him. Bran refuses but Theon tells him that a good lord would yield to keep his people safe. Bran asks him if he always hated them and Theon walks off wordlessly. In the courtyard, Bran announces that he has yielded Winterfell to Theon. The people aren't convinced and one man who speaks out is beaten for his trouble. Theon promises that he will be good to them if they serve him well and instructs Maester Luwin to send ravens to his father and sister. Osha (Natalia Tena) asks Theon to serve him but he refuses her. Bran asks her why and she explains that his dream has come true - the ocean has come to Winterfell. The other part is about to come true too. Rodrik Cassel (Ron Donachie) has been captured on his way back from Torrhen's Square. He insults Theon and says he has no honour. Theon defends himself, saying that he was raised among the Starks, not as a Stark and that his real brothers were killed by Stark men. Rodrik laments that Ned Stark is not alive to see what Theon has become and spits in his face. Theon orders him sent to the dungeons but Dagmer (Ralph Ineson) insists that he die for his insolence, lest he lose face to both his men and his new subjects. Theon agrees and sentences him to death. Maester Luwin tries to reason with Theon, telling him that Rodrik is worth more alive than he is dead but Theon ignores him. Dagmer draws his sword and Rodrik mocks Theon for not swinging the sword himself. Baited by the old man, Theon draws his sword. Bran begs Theon not to do it but Theon tells him he doesn't give orders anymore and Rodrik tells him that he's off to see his father. Theon asks Rodrik if he has any last words. "Gods help you, Theon Greyjoy. Now you are truly lost", he replies. Four swings of Theon's sword and a stamp of his boot later and Rodrik's head rolls across the courtyard.
North of the wall, Qhorin Halfhand (Simon Armstrong), Jon Snow and three other rangers are marching through the snowy wastelands. Ghost is with them but has wandered off ahead. Jon calls to him but to no avail. Qhorin notes him that wild things have their own rules, telling him that wildlings sleep during the day and hunt at night. Jon asks if they should do the same but Qhorin tells him he has lost too many good men to crevices they couldn't see in the darkness. Think you know the north and it will kill you, he says. Jon says he would gladly give his life and Qhorin angers, telling Jon that he doesn't want him to gladly give his life, he wants him to fight with his every last breath. Even if he does give his life, no southerner will even know his name, Qhorin says.
At Harrenhal, Tywin Lannister (Charles Dance) is berating Amory Lorch (Fintan McKeown). Lorch had sent a letter detailing troop movements meant for Lord Damon of House Marbrand to Lord Marlin of House Dormund, an ally of House Stark. Lorch apologises but Tywin sends him out. A guard enters and informs Tywin that Petyr Baelish has arrived. Arya's smirk vanishes. Tywin orders the rest of his war council out and Arys tries to sneak out but he orders her to clear the table. Baelish enters and the two men exchange pleasantries as Arya pours wine and clears the table, staying out of Baelish's sight. Baelish tells Tywin that the Tyrells, in possession of the third-largest army and most fertile land in Westeros, have not declared for a new king following Renly's death. He notes that Loras blames Stannis for Renly's death and that Margaery wants... to be Queen, Tywin finishes, adding that they rebelled against his grandson. That should be punished, Baelish says, after Stannis and Robb Stark have been defeated. Tywin calls to Arya for more wine and Baelish looks quizzically at her back before continuing that he would ride to Highgarden on Tywin's behalf. Arya spills some wine and Baelish again looks at her but Tywin sends her out before he can get a good look at her. Baelish continues that he met Catelyn Stark on behalf of Tyrion, bringing her an interesting proposal about her daughters.
North of the wall, the Night's Watch have found a group of wildling scouts. One of the other rangers shoots a wildling with his bow and Jon and Qhorin leap into action. Qhorin quickly despatches two but Jon has more trouble with his wildling, who parries his sword blow before diving to grab an axe. Jon grabs him in time, pushing him onto a rock to reveal that he is in fact a woman. A striking young woman with flame-red hair. Jon is stunned and suggests they question her. She reveals her name to be Ygritte (Rose Leslie). Jon gives her his name and Qhorin warns that given half a chance she'd bury her axe in his face. She tells them to burn the bodies but Qhorin knows that a fire would only bring more wildlings. She warns them again about the bodies but Qhorin tells her that Jon has already killed one dead man. He asks her how many wildlings Mance Rayder has gathered and she says he has an army larger than Qhorin has ever seen. He asks her if Mance intends to march against the wall but she will say no more. Qhorin asks her if she knows who he is. Qhorin Halfhand, she replies. He asks her what the wildlings would do if they captured him. They'd cut your head off if they were feeling kind, she replies. If not, they'd kill you slowly. Qhorin sighs and tells Jon that they have no food for her, can't spare a man to watch her and can't let her go, lest she tell her people where they are. He draws his sword but Jon says that he will do it. Qhorin tells him to be quick and he and the others leave. Ygritte tells Jon that he's never killed a woman before and that he doesn't need to start now, telling him that Mance Rayder would welcome him into his army and the crows would never know. I'm as much a crow as they are, Jon replies and Ygritte turns onto her stomach, holding her head over the edge of the rock. She asks Jon if he will burn her but he can't. She pulls her hood aside, telling him to strike hard and true or she will come back and haunt him. He places his sword on her neck and hesitates. She tells him to hurry up but he can hardly look at her. "Do it. Bastard, do it!" she tells him and he steels himself, raising his sword and swinging it back down. He couldn't do it, sending his sword wide of her head. She looks at him, half in shock and half in thanks before coming to her senses, kicking him backwards and running off. Jon picks himself up and chases after her but she already has a good head start on him. She runs around a hill but he runs over it, launching off the summit and sliding down the other side to come crashing into her. He draws his knife but she says what they both know: he can't do it, adding that night is falling and he's all alone.
Back in King's Landing, Myrcella (Aimee Richardson) is being shipped off to Dorne to be betrothed to Trystane Martell. The High Septon (David Verrey) offers prayers and the Royal Family look on. Queen Cersei tells Tyrion that she hopes one day he truly loves someone, so she can take her from him. Tyrion glares at her and storms off. Tommen (Callum Wharry) cries as his sister leaves. Joffrey mocks him but Sansa defends him, earning herself a rebuke from the King. The Royal party makes its way back to the Red Keep, past hundreds of peasants who line the streets. The crowd grows restless and begins calling for food. Someone throws a cowpie at Joffrey and he orders them all killed. A full-scale riot begins to break out and the Royal party tries to force its way through to safety. Sandor Clegane (Rory McCann) drags the King away but the High Septon is not so lucky, torn to pieces by the starving crowd. In the commotion, Sansa is separated and Tyrion is the only one who notices. Confronted by several men, she runs off down an alleyway. Safe inside, Joffrey demands they all be killed. Tyrion, furious, notes that they've had vicious kings and idiot kings but never before a vicious idiot. Joffrey protests and insists that he was attacked. Tyrion shouts that one of them threw a cowpie because they are starving because of a war he started, slapping Joffrey across the face. He asks where Sansa is and Joffrey says that they can have her. If she dies, Jaime will never come back, Tyrion replies, adding that he owes his uncle quite a bit. In the alleyway, Sansa is caught by her pursuers who prepare to rape her. Tyrion tells Meryn Trant (Ian Beattie) to go and find Sansa but Trant replies that he only takes orders from the King, who says nothing. Just as one of the men is about to rape her, Sandor comes to her rescue, slaughtering them. Sandor carries her back to the keep, earning Tyrion's thanks. Sandor replies that he didn't do it for Tyrion.
In Qarth, Daenerys is frustrated at having to wait to see the Spice King. Xaro (Nonso Anozie) tells her that she needn't see him at all if she just marries him. She replies that she already has a husband but Xaro tells her that she is too young and beautiful to remain a widow. She tells him that she will not succumb to flattery but he replies that he has never yet met a woman who does not respond to flattery. The Spice King (Nicholas Blane) finally appears. After the pleasantries, Daenerys gets straight to the point. She wants the Spice King to give her ships so she can cross the Narrow Sea, telling him that she will repay him triple. He tells her that he judges trade on its merits, asking her if she has an army. She says no. He asks if she has powerful allies and she replies no. He tells her that he cannot make investments based on hopes and dreams and goes to leave. Daenerys tells him how Illyrio Mopatis gave her three petrified dragon eggs and that when she acted out her dream by stepping into fire with the eggs, they hatched and she was unhurt. He admires her passion but again refuses to give her ships. She tells him that with fire and blood she will take what it hers. Yes, he replies, but not with my ships.
Back in Harrenhal, Tywin catches Arya reading one of the notes on the table. She tells him that her father taught her how to read and he tells her how he taught Jaime to read, even though it was a great difficulty to do so. He asks Arya about her father and she tells him that he was a stonemason and that his loyalty killed him. Arya asks Tywin if he knew his father and he says that he did. He was a good man but he was weak and nearly destroyed House Lannister. With Tywin distracted, Arya is able to grab the note, which contains troop movements and information about Robb's forces. She runs through the castle but runs straight into Amory Lorch. Suspicious, he takes the note from her and doesn't believe her when she says Lord Tywin gave it to her. He drags her off to see him but she breaks free and runs off. He looks for her but gives up. Desperate, Arya seeks out Jaqen H'ghar (Tom Wlaschiha) and names Lorch as the second man he is to kill for her. She tells him to hurry because he's going to tell Tywin but it appears she is too late. Lorch opens Tywin's door and falls flat on his face with a poison dart sticking out of his neck.
Robb Stark is moving amongst his men when he spots Talisa (Oona Chaplin). She questions his belief that she is of noble birth but he maintains that he is right. She teases him that she could be a Lannister spy and he is about to invite her to join him when his mother returns. He awkwardly introduces Talisa who finally gives her full name: Talisa Maegyr. Catelyn is unfamiliar with her surname and she says that she is from Volantis, a free city on Essos. She excuses herself and Catelyn catches Robb watching her leave. She tells him that she wishes he could follow his heart and reminds him that he is betrothed to one of Walder Frey's daughters. Roose Bolton (Michael McElhatton) then arrives with news from Winterfell.
Beyond The Wall, Jon has Ygritte's arms bound to her side as he leads her along. They have made their way back to the wildling camp and there they will remain overnight. He binds her legs with the rest of the rope as she tells him to light a fire. He refuses and lies her down. He walks off but she tells him they will stay warmer if they sleep next to each other, betting that he freezes to death before she does. Jon walks back over, takes off his belt and spoons her. She asks if he thinks his friends are still looking for him and he replies yet. She asks if he thinks they will find him and he replies yes. "You're brave", she tells him. "Stupid, but brave." He tells her that they will start again at first light. She grinds her hips into his, teasing him as he snaps at her to stop it.
Robb is dumbfounded. He cannot believe what Theon has done but Roose tells him that other ravens have confirmed the news. Furious, Robb intends to return north. Roose tells him that Kings don't have to do everything themselves, offering that his bastard round up several hundred men and re-take Winterfell, bringing Theon's head back down to Robb. He adds that the Lannisters are on the run and if they go back now, they would lose everything they have gained. Robb agrees, telling him that Bran and Rickon's safety is paramount and that Theon be brought to him alive so he can explain himself before he is executed.
Speaking of Theon, he's settled into his chambers when Osha is brought before him. She wants to serve him. Theon is not interested until she says that there are other ways she can serve him, opening her robe and telling him that she knows savage things. Theon sends the guard out and she lets her robe fall to the floor. She tells him that it comes at a price - she wants her freedom. Theon agrees, as long as she serves him well.
Sansa is being tended to by Shae (Sibel Kekilli). She tells her that the men who wanted to hurt her had never even met her. Shae replies that her horse eats better than his children do. Sansa says that she would give them food if she had it to give, adding that she hates Joffrey more than any of them. Shae tells her not to say such things, that it is not safe to trust anyone.
Osha has apparently served Theon well as he lies fast asleep. she climbs carefully out of bed and out of the door. In the grounds, she seduces a guard before killing him with his own knife. She whistles and Rickon (Art Parkinson) and Bran, carried by Hodor (Kristian Nairn) emerge from the shadows, quickly followed by their direwolves, Shaggydog and Summer.
Back in Qarth, Daenerys laments her meetings with the various "kings". The Spice King won't support her because she's a bad investment, the Silk King won't support her because of his business with the Lannisters and the Copper King does offer to give her a ship, but only if she sleeps with him. Xaro tells her that when he came to Qarth, he had nothing and now he is the richest man in Qarth. He has done many things, he tells her, but nothing he regrets. Opening the door to her quarters, they find all of Xaro's guards lie dead. Daenerys rushes up the stairs to her bedchambers, finding Irri (Amrita Acharia) lying dead on the floor and her dragons gone, their cages open. "Where are my dragons?" she cries. A hooded figure has them in a crate on his back as he climbs up steps towards a tall stone tower.
Theon, how could you?!? I mean, I still like Theon so I won't rejoice when Robb takes his head from his shoulders but I won't exactly mourn for him either. Poor Robb. Not only has he been betrayed by the man he thought of as a brother but his burgeoning interest in Talisa will ultimately come to naught. It's safe to say he's had better episodes. Jon, meanwhile, may just have found a possible love interest too. Ygritte may have an awful name but she's awfully spunky too - just the kind of girl that Jon could end up with. If she doesn't betray him to her people, that is. Sansa didn't have the best of times, either. Almost raped as she was. Joffrey is becoming even more of a cunt, if that were humanly possible. Nice to see Tyrion slapping him though. Hopefully someone will add it to that very satisfying gif of all the times he slapped him from the first series. Arya used her second murder to good effect. I'm positive that Baelish recognised her though. My suspicion is that he'll tell Catelyn that he knows where she is, thus forcing Robb to attack Tywin head on. Daenerys just can't catch a break can she? To be honest, I'm not surprised someone stole her dragons. Khalesi I love you and everything but could you just shut up for once about how you're going to burn everyone to the ground. We've heard it all before and it's not a shock that someone decided to pinch them, if only to get you to shut up about how awesome they are. Speaking of, it's blatantly Pyat Pree, the warlock from the House of the Undying who stole them. Oh, and we can cross Osha off the list of "girls on Game of Thrones who haven't taken their clothes off yet". By my reckoning, that leaves us with Queen Cersei, Gilly, Yara Greyjoy, Talisa and Ygritte who are still on the list. I doubt Cersei will come off the list though, although Lena Headey has taken her clothes off on camera before so there's still hope.
Anyway, nudity aside, this was a great episode. I actually watched it three times, more than any other episode so far this series. Plenty of brilliant lines, some absolutely hilarious moments and the scene where Arya tries to avoid being noticed by Baelish was genuinely nerve-wracking. The riot in King's Landing was probably the stand-out scene of the episode and we've been building up to it for some time now. Another fantastic episode. Only four more to go now.
9 out of 10.
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