House at the End of the Street (2012)

House at the End of the Street. It reads like a placeholder title, doesn't it? Something lame and basic that gets replaced when they get round to thinking up a better title. Except, they didn't. In a way, it's appropriate because this really is a placeholder of a film. It serves no purpose other than to waste time. It doesn't shock or scare; it doesn't excite or intrigue and it certainly doesn't entertain or inspire emotions of any kind for that matter. It's the most formulaic, derivative, by-the-numbers, clichéd film I've seen in a very long time. But then again, with a title like House at the End of the Street, how could it not be?

Jennifer Lawrence is Elissa Cassidy, a seventeen-year-old girl who moves from Chicago to the back end of nowhere with her mom Sarah (Elisabeth Shue). They're renting a house that was only in their price range because of what happened in the house next door a few years ago: a disturbed young girl, Carrie-Ann, murdered her parents and disappeared. She is believed to have drowned in the lake but the resentful locals, angry that the incident drove down their property prices, mutter that she may be living out in the woods. The house is presently occupied by Ryan Jacobson (Max Theriot), Carrie-Ann's older brother, who was staying with his grandparents when the murders happened. The local parents hate him and the local kids mock and bully him. Enter Elissa, who takes a liking to him because seemingly the only other guy in the area is Tyler Reynolds (Nolan Gerard Funk), who's not just a dick but a dickhole (yes, that is an actual line of dialogue). Her mother doesn't like her being around Ryan, he acts weird, blah blah blah. Can we just get to the interesting bit, please?

Well, no. Most of the film is spent on this mind-numbing, often cringe-worthy story that's like something lifted from a made-for-TV romantic drama. Interspersed with occasional efforts to make the viewer jump, it makes for a very disjointed film and incredibly jarring watching. Said attempted scares are sloppily handled and lack any tension whatsoever. The only half-decent jump in the entire film is, naturally, a false one. Does this film have nothing going for it?

Yes. It has Jennifer Lawrence. House at the End of the Street was made way back in the middle of 2010, but when Lawrence was cast in X-Men: First Class and then The Hunger Games, the producers decided to stick this film on a shelf for two years and then release it shortly after those two came out, so as to cash in on her new-found star power as much as possible. In fact, I remember seeing trailers for the film that advertised it as starring "The Hunger Games' Jennifer Lawrence". So, given that it was made over two years before it was released, you can't really question Lawrence's motivation for appearing in it. Winter's Bone had only come out a few months before it was shot and her Oscar nomination, yet alone her future global superstardom, was a long way off yet. She was a (very) young actress, it was a role and she took it. Despite that, she gives nothing less than a full-throated performance. She is easily the best thing about this film and even if there's no joy to be found in the rest of the film, it's fun to watch her get put through her paces. Oh, and the last half hour, when she runs around in a white tank top, is pretty fun too. But that's it.

Without Jennifer Lawrence, there would be nothing to recommend here. As it is, there's just very little to recommend here. Replace her with some random actress and it'd probably get a 2. She earns the film another point all by herself.

A very bad film with a very good actress stuck in the middle of it.

3 out of 10.

Silent Night (2012)

Jaime King might not be the reigning Queen of horror (that honour goes to Danielle Harris, of course) but she's certainly the Queen of holiday-themed horror films: first with My Bloody Valentine 3D, then Mother's Day and now Silent Night. All she has to do next is Halloween 3D and a remake of April Fool's Day and she'll have covered all of the major holidays. If someone ever decides to make an Easter-themed slasher, you can bet that she'll be the director's first choice to play the final girl.

As for Silent Night, it's a semi-remake of the infamous 1984 film Silent Night, Deadly Night, which attracted massive controversy, spawned four sequels and attracted a sizeable cult following. In reality, the only thing that connects Silent Night to its predecessor is that it's about a man in a Father Christmas costume who goes round killing people. In the original, disturbed Billy Chapman is the main character and we follow his journey from traumatised young boy to serial killer. In this offering, Deputy Aubrey Bradimore (King) is the protagonist and the identity of the murderous Santa Claus is a mystery, as is his motivation for the killings. To be honest, it's an improvement. Far too many horror films these days (remakes or otherwise) give us endless flashbacks to something that happened in the murderer's childhood that turned them into a sadistic killer. It makes for such a nice change to see a killer whose identity and motivation are unknown. I'm not saying that the killer's identity and motivation are never revealed, just that for most of the film, we're as clueless as everyone else in the film is.

Instead, we follow Aubrey and Sheriff James Cooper (Malcolm McDowell) as they try and track down the bearded maniac. Finding a man in a Santa suit in a small Wisconsin town? No problem! Except that it's Christmas Eve and there's no chance of backup arriving. Oh, and the town's hosting an annual "best Santa" competition, so there are 499 other bearded men in red suits walking around the place.

Things get off to a promising start, with Santa electrocuting a man with Christmas lights and then paying a visit to a bitchy little girl. In a scene that nods at My Bloody Valentine 3D, he also drops in on a local pornographer. After dispatching the camerawoman and the director, the model, Maria (Cortney Palm), runs away and he gives pursuit. Did I mention she was topless? Yes, it's clearly influenced by Betty Rue's very memorable scene in the earlier film, although Palm does at least keep her underwear on (booooo!).

While it may only be a loose remake, there are a few nods to the original films. The catatonic Grandfather is present, but it's not the killer who visits him. Rather, the skeezy boyfriend of the mayor's slutty daughter (Courtney-Jane White). Later on, Santa visits the two of them and fans of the original will be pleased to see that the most memorable kill from the original is also present here. Finally, in a throwaway moment that will probably pass quite a few people by, Sheriff Cooper asks Deputy Jordan (Brendan Fehr) to take out the trash. "What is this, garbage day?" he asks.

Belying the film's undoubtedly small budget, it's well made, nicely shot and the acting varies only between good and competent. King is her usual resilient self, bringing depth and sympathy to her character and McDowell looks like he had great fun playing Sheriff Cooper. A parody of small town sheriffs, he has some of the best lines of the film. The kills are also very well done and include, in addition to those mentioned above, a very, very good head-splitting, someone getting their face punched in with knuckle dusters embossed with the words "ho ho ho", and death by woodchipper. 

It's not a perfect film by any means. There are a few plot holes and logical inconsistencies (a little girl is murdered in the morning and her mother doesn't report it until the evening?); the final confrontation isn't quite up to scratch; and the ending feels hurried. But, on the whole, a good slasher film. More importantly, perfect seasonal viewing!

7 out of 10.

Seeking a Friend for the End of the World (2012)

If you had just three weeks to live, what would you do? Try and see long-lost friends and relatives before the time came? Make an effort to re-connect with an old love? Finally get round to reading War and Peace? Travel as much as you could? Go on a crime spree? With an asteroid called Matilda hurtling towards the planet, that's the very conundrum facing Dodge Petersen (Steve Carell). Within moments of the car radio telling them that a last-ditch attempt to stop Matilda has failed, Dodge watches on as his wife Linda (Nancy Carell) gets out of the car and runs away from him and their life together. It's probably for the best anyway: she was having an affair and he only married her because he was scared of dying alone. Some people try and flee, as his wife did. Others join orgies and parties and some get things over with and take their own lives. Dodge reacts altogether differently, carrying on his humdrum life as normal. He goes to work, checks his empty letterbox and tries to tell his cleaning lady that with the apocalypse approaching, she doesn't have to come to work anymore. She thinks he's trying to fire her, so he relents and lets her carry on.

Dodge's friends aren't interested in business as usual, not in the slightest. Warren (Rob Corddry) and Diane (Connie Britton) invite him to a dinner party and try and set him up with their enthusiastic friend Karen (Melanie Lynskey), reasoning that no-one should die alone. They've hit the nail on the head - he doesn't want to die alone, but other than that, he doesn't know what he wants. He does know however that he's not interested in Karen or Diane's sexual advances, nor does he fancy taking heroin. So, he leaves the party and goes home. As he reminisces about Olivia, his old high school sweetheart, he sees his neighbour Penny (Keira Knightley) crying outside his window. She's missed the last flight back to England to see her family so he consoles her and invites her in. She falls asleep on his sofa and the next morning, gives him a pile of letters that the postman had wrongly delivered to her apartment over the years. They've never spoken before despite being neighbours for a long time so she has no idea that the man she assumed was his "roommate's boyfriend" was in fact his wife's lover. After trying to kill himself, Dodge reads the letters and finds one from Olivia where she tells him that she's divorced with a son and that he was the love of her life. Filled with a renewed sense of purpose and with a crowd of looters approaching their apartment block, he rescues Penny and tells her that if she helps him track down Olivia, he will hook her up with his friend who has a private plane that can take her back home to Surrey.

Thus begins the movie proper and from this point onwards it's a strange romantic drama-cum-black comedy-cum-apocalyptic science fiction film. Some parts work really well. For example, Dodge maintaining the semblance of a normal life as the sky falls around him (literally); the dinner party at Warren and Diane's; almost joining in an orgy at a diner and attending a mass baptism at a beach. It's just a pity that so many scenes fall flat on their face. Dodge's attempt to commit suicide was either supposed to be poignant or funny and it couldn't decide which. Dodge and Penny's encounter with an unusually vigilant policeman sees the film swerve completely off course and delivers easily the most boring and frustrating five minutes of the film. Their meeting with survivalists had promise but it was completely lacking any satirical edge and just felt like it had been shoehorned in. The only joke had at their expense came when they walked in on one of them on the toilet. Martin Sheen's character likewise feels tacked on and doesn't serve much purpose other than to provide a plot device. Finally, the ending. I can see some people really liking it, but I didn't really. I won't spoil it but of the three main ways I thought it could have ended as I was watching it - abrupt black comedy, tearful reunion and unhappy resolution - they picked the weakest of the three. After it finishes I wondered if there was an alternate ending but there is not.

Strange and unholy mash-up it might be but fortunately, there is glue holding the whole ramshackle structure together and it is the performances of Carell and Knightley. He deadpans his way through the film, his occasional outbursts of emotion and playful flirting making for a confidently understated performance. She is full of spunky energy, another excellent performance to add to the already long list. Together they make a likeable and believable pairing, often providing the only high points in scenes that otherwise drag along under the weight of their own superfluousness.

Seeking a Friend for the End of the World is a bit of a strange film and has as many hits as it does misses. It would all come unstuck were it not for Steve Carell and Keira Knightley. She in particular is superb and without their winning performances, the whole thing would come crashing down.

6 out of 10.

The Mist (2007)

"People are basically good, decent. My god, we're a civilised society."

"Sure, as long as the machines are workin' and you can dial 911, but you take those things away, you throw people in the dark, you scare the shit out of them, no more rules, you'll see how primitive they get."

"You scare people badly enough, you can get 'em to do anything. They'll turn to whoever promises a solution, or whatever."

"As a species, we're fundamentally insane. Put more than two of us in a room, we pick sides and start dreaming up reasons to kill one another. Why do you think we invented politics and religion?"

And thus is summed up The Mist in 109 words. What happens when a few dozen terrified Americans are crammed together in a supermarket and hemmed in by a thick, otherworldly mist that brings death to all who step into it? They turn on each other, in horrible, inhuman ways.

When a powerful storm hits the small town of Bridgton, Maine, David Drayton (Thomas Jane) and his son Billy (Nathan Gamble) head into town to pick up some supplies and materials to repair the storm damage to their house. David's wife Stephanie (Kelly Lintz) stays at home but he gives a lift to their neighbour, Brent (Andre Braugher). A lawyer from New York with a holiday home in the town, Brent has previously sued the Draytons over a property dispute, which he lost. This, combined with his intransigence in the face of David's politeness and his belief that the townspeople see him as an out-of-towner who doesn't belong means the two have an uneasy relationship at best. At the supermarket, they shop and run into fellow townspeople, among them Amanda (Laurie Holden), a teacher and friend of the family; Ollie (Toby Jones), the shop's assistant manager; Dan (Jeffrey DeMunn), a friend of David's; Irene (Frances Sternhagen), an elderly retired teacher; Jim (William Sadler), a mechanic; Sally (Alexa Davalos), Billy's babysitter and an assistant at the shop; and Mrs. Carmody (Marcia Gay Harden), an infamous and softly-spoken townswoman whose fanatical right-wing Christian views make Rick Santorum look like a godless socialist.

As they shop, the mist, which had been rolling down from the hills, sweeps into the town and engulfs it, swallowing up the supermarket and everything in sight of it. As the townspeople gawp out of the shop's large front windows at the impenetrable mist, people run in from the car park and when Dan bursts in with a bleeding nose and tales of something in the mist attacking people, panic sets in. Some decide to run for it, trying to make it to their cars before whatever is in the mist can get to them. They don't make it, their screams carrying back to the large majority who remained inside. Trapped and terrified, rifts begin to appear between the townspeople. David quickly realises the enormity of what they're facing but Brent and some of the others refuse to believe what's really outside, even when it's right in front of them. But, most insidious of all is Mrs. Carmody. She begins her sermons of hate and no-one listens to her, but when the things outside break through the windows and panic sets in, more and more people listen to her. She spews forth messages about the end of the world and judgement for those who refuse to repent. Slowly and surely, she and her followers become just as dangerous as the creatures that lurk outside in the mist.

What makes this film really special isn't just the otherworldly monsters but the human monsters, whether they begin that way or are scared and bullied into doing the horrific deeds they go on to commit. With the townspeople splitting between the rational, logical group led by David and the fundamentalist, fire and brimstone group led by Mrs. Carmody, the real divide that exists in America is sharply illustrated. Clearly the film is made from the point of view of the former and David and his friends are the protagonists but given a few tweaks here and there, it's easy to see how one could present Mrs. Carmody as a dedicated, devoted Christian woman just trying to do what she knows to be right. Fortunately, Marcia Gay Harden plays her perfectly. She's understated enough to be creepy and passionate enough to be persuasive, without ever crossing the line into parody. In fact, the performances are superb all round. Many of the actors are regular collaborators with director Frank Darabont so he knows exactly how to get the best out of them.

With the human monsters so effectively portrayed, and given that the film is only five years old, it's disappointing to note that the CGI for the creatures is slightly unconvincing. It's not so much the case for the larger creatures, but for the smaller and more numerous creatures, it's sometimes no better than average. Furthermore, the designs are surprisingly unimaginative. Fortunately, the mist often shrouds the creatures so it doesn't detract too much from their impact, but it is the only downside to this otherwise fine feature.

All in all though, it's still a very good film. The performances are terrific, the characters are believable and the ending is absolutely superb. Not only is it a great monster movie but as a mini-essay on the dangers of irrationality and religious fundamentalism, it simply can't be beaten.

8 out of 10.

The Inbetweeners USA 1.12 - The Dance

Mirroring the last episode of the first series of the British original, it's the end of year dance. As usual, all the funny moments have been sucked out and replaced with... well, nothing.

Instead of Will calling Mr. Gilbert "Phil" and being humiliated in front of the rest of his year, he asks to be chairman of the committee and is told "yes". That's it. Thanks to it reminding me of the brilliant moment in the original series, it was the only part that made me chuckle in an otherwise painful and laugh-free twenty-one minutes. The rest of it is the usual bag of annoying characters, bad acting and pathetic attempts at "humour".

What a waste of time this piece of shit series was. Everything that made the original series so fantastic has been completely stripped away. To even give it the same name is to piss all over the brilliance of the original series. Watered-down, badly-written, childish and incredibly unfunny, the only remarkable thing about this monstrosity is how they managed to fuck up a winning formula so badly. Everyone who was in the slightest bit responsible for this shockingly bad rip-off should be thoroughly ashamed of themselves.

0 out of 10.

Don't Be Afraid of the Dark (2011)

Guillermo del Toro is a big fan of the original TV movie Don't Be Afraid of the Dark. He apparently loved the film so much as a child that it inspired him to create his own horror films. After years of making his own excellent, original films, he decided to go back to the beginning and co-write and co-produce a remake of the film that started his love affair with horror and fantasy. The director's chair is filled by first-timer Troy Nixey, who was hired by del Toro on the basis of a short film he sent in to him.

Very similar to the original, the remake has two main differences. Firstly, there is an opening scene set in the house in the 1800s that sees painter Emerson Blackwood (Garry McDonald) attempt to get his child back from the creatures, only to be dragged down into the fireplace by them. Secondly, there is a new character: a young girl, who becomes the focus of the creature's attention. Ten-year-old Sally is played by Bailee Madison and moves into the large mansion with her father Alex (Guy Pearce) and her father's partner, Kim (Katie Holmes). Sally is the one who opens the grate of the fireplace in the basement and unwittingly sets the creatures loose and is the one they try and take.

Having a child become the focus of the creature's attention is an interesting move. It's a pity that it doesn't work. For starters, the metaphor from the previous film could have been turned into one about parents not believing children and making us wonder whether she really was seeing the creatures or if they're the product of her imagination, driven to despair after being sent away by her mother to live with her distant father and his girlfriend. Instead, we're told right up front that the creatures are real. There's no subtlety or hint of delusion: she's sane, they're real and the adults are morons. There's the usual cranky old caretaker who warns them not to open the fireplace but he's ignored. Secondly, we know all along that she's in no real danger. She's a little girl in a horror film. When was the last time something bad happened to a little girl? Anyone?

In contrast to the original, the creatures are not actors in laughably bad masks, they're all CGI. They're not laughably silly but they aren't in the slightest bit scary either. They're like rats crossed with goblins and about as scary as toast popping up from a toaster. If you don't like rodents, you might find them unnerving. Otherwise, you'll just wonder why people don't stamp on them or pick them up and throw them away.

Just like the original, there are irrelevant characters, namely the psychiatrist (Nicholas Bell) and Charles Jacoby (Alan Dale), and pointless scenes. In particular, the dinner party. The dinner party in the first film was a small gathering of friends before the half-way point. In the remake, it's greatly expanded and moved to the final act. Alex and Kim entertain Charles, in the hope that he will be impressed by their restoration work on the house which will lead to them being featured on the cover of a magazine which means they can sell the place for a big profit and recoup Alex's losses and avoid bankruptcy. Got all that? Good. As Alex wines and dines Charles and a dozen other nameless people, Sally pursues a creature to the library, determined to get photographic evidence of it with an old Polaroid camera. Once inside the room, the creatures lock the door and attack her. She takes lots of pictures but none of them look like they will come out clearly and all her efforts seem to have been in vain. That is, until she squashes one of them between two bookcases and its arm falls off. Success! She has incontrovertible proof! Not just its lifeless body, trapped between the two pieces of furniture, but also its newly detached limb. So, when the library door bursts open and her father and his guests come rushing in, full of concern for little Sally, do they see the body of the creature? Well, no. Does she at least show them its severed arm? Uh.... no. She just gives her father one of the pictures, which is far too blurry to see anything. Then the guests leave and she's put to bed, her father still refusing to believe her. Seriously, that's exactly what happens and it's completely fucking stupid. She has proof of the creatures' existence less than ten feet behind her but no-one notices and she doesn't tell anyone either! It's not even like she accidentally kills the creature, she deliberately squashes it and looks at it as it's arm falls off and lands on the floor. We even get a close-up of the bloody thing hitting the ground!

That's just the most egregious example of several gaping plot holes. Combine them with the pointless characters and scenes that should have ended on the cutting room floor and it sounds like this film's worse than the first one. Not quite. It still feels entirely pointless but there's no denying that the film looks absolutely superb. For starters, everything's bigger - the CGI, the house, the performances, particularly from Bailee Madison. It's just a pity that it's all wasted. It doesn't even have any good scares, something you'd expect from a horror film written and produced by Guillermo del Toro. In fact, the biggest (and probably only) jump in the film was given away in the trailer!

So, what do we have? A pointless remake of a laughably bad 1970s horror film. It's bigger, full of lavish sets and a wonderful, grand old house. The performances are much better and it's directed competently. Unfortunately, it's not in the slightest bit scary or even unnerving and the chance to make us wonder if what Sally's seeing is real or just a fantasy is wasted. It's riddled with plot holes and groaning under the weight of pointless characters and scenes that should have appeared only in the special features. It's an improvement on the original, but just barely.

4 out of 10.

Don't Be Afraid of the Dark (1973)

Some horror films don't age well and boy is this one of them. Almost forty years old, Don't Be Afraid of the Dark was made for television and first broadcast in early October of 1973. Directed by John Newland, who worked on a large number of TV series in the 60s and 70s, it stars Kim Darby and Jim Hutton as married couple Sally and Alex Farnham. Darby is probably best known for her role as Mattie in the John Wayne version of True Grit and Hutton appeared in a variety of films and TV series until his untimely death six years after the film was broadcast.

Sally has recently inherited a large house from her deceased grandmother so she and her husband move in and set about doing up the place. She is fascinated by the old fireplace in the basement and wants to open it up and get it working again. The house's repairman-cum-caretaker, Mr. Harris (William Demarest), tells her to forget about it, explaining that when Sally's grandfather died, her grandmother ordered him to brick the fireplace up and bolt the ash door shut, which he did. Her curiosity gets the better of her and so she opens the ash door and peers inside. It turns out that the fireplace is covering a tunnel which goes down deep into the Earth. Closing it, she goes to leave and hears voices calling to her from inside the fireplace. It turns out that small, goblin-like creatures live down beneath the house and have been set free. They terrorise and harass her, intent on dragging her down to their subterranean home and making her one of them.

Don't Be Afraid of the Dark is best summed up as seventy-four minutes of bad acting, uninspired direction and absolutely terrible "monster" design. Imagine the worst alien costume from old and cheaply-made episodes of Doctor Who on creatures that are six inches tall and you're still nowhere near imagining just how bad these things look. We catch our first glimpse of them as one steals Sally's napkin from her lap at a dinner party and I laughed so hard I had a coughing fit. We see them again a few minutes later while she's having a shower and they decide to "scare" her. We get a look at more of them (well, three of them. Clearly the budget was so low it would only stretch to three of these appalling costumes). They look even more ridiculous: actors in black feathery suits with ludicrous rubber masks that look like wrinkly bell ends and don't even have slits for mouths. When they talk, they bob their head up and down so you can tell which one is speaking. Otherwise, you'd have no way of knowing.

To a ten-year-old child watching this film in 1973, it would probably have been quite scary. Watching it now, it's dire. It's not just the creatures, it's the complete lack of any tension whatsoever. It seems at times that director John Newland couldn't decide whether to go for screams or laughs so he half-heartedly tries to do both. It's interesting in one respect, in that it is a decent metaphor for how women are so often ignored, their fears dismissed as nerves or unhappiness. Sally's doting husband insists that all is well and good, refusing to believe her until the shit really hits the fan. That aside, the rest of the film is really very silly and it's a strange thing to say when the film's under an hour-and-a-quarter long but so much of it is completely irrelevant. Sally's friend Joan (Barbara Anderson) and the doctor (Robert Cleaves) as well as several scenes (particularly Sally and Joan going shopping) clearly only exist to pad the film out.

Don't Be Afraid of the Dark has not aged well. The interesting story and underlying metaphor are unfortunately swamped by bad acting, lazy direction and poor creature design. Only recommended for the those old enough to remember seeing it back in the early 1970s. Even then, re-watching it will probably ruin your memory of how good you thought it was. I can't even see younger viewers getting a kick out of it as they will most likely be bored by the extensive padding and totally unconvinced by the creatures.

3 out of 10.

The Inbetweeners USA 1.11 - Spa Time

At the school's car wash, Simon moves in on Carli by stepping up to give her a lift when her boyfriend claims to be too busy and Samantha tells Will she'll sleep with him after he loses his virginity. Then, they go to a spa. Jay spends his time looking for the spa whore for Will, Simon takes Carli home and ruins her surprise party and Will meets another girl who tells him she'll sleep with him if he loses his virginity first. As usual, the other one does nothing of consequence.

Painfully, embarrassingly bad. Whether it's Simon's pathetic fawning over Carli and panicking over whether he's late to pick her up or Will's excruciating demonstration of "clinginess", it's not an enjoyable experience on any level. It's easy to see what they're going for: humiliate the boys and make us laugh at their expenses. Swing and a miss. It's not crude enough to be funny like the original series and it's not clever enough to be funny like The Office. They go for "gross-out" jokes and then bleep every swear word. They go for physical humour and the best they can manage is wrapping up Simon like a tortilla. They try and copy the original series and fuck it up. They try something new and all they can manage is, Neil thinks he's died and gone to heaven. I'm honestly surprised they didn't make any racist jokes when Simon was covered in mud from head to toe. Remove the bikini car wash and this episode would get a zero.

2 out of 10.

The Inbetweeners USA 1.10 - Reading Gives You Wings

Will meets another girl, Samantha (Marie Avgeropoulos), the library is turned into a Red Bull bar and it turns out that Simon's girlfriend likes stealing things. She gets caught stealing and dumps Simon and Will's plan to protest the "library" goes up in smoke when he decides that he likes Samantha more than reading.

How ironic, the library is sponsored by Red Bull and becomes a hollow shell of its former self, stripped of all its contents and replaced by a mockery of what it once was that exists only to peddle fizzy, sugary pigswill. It's a perfect analogy for the way the original series has been treated.

I watch it so you don't have to.

0 out of 10.

The Inbetweeners USA 1.9 - Fire!

For some reason, Will is both blamed for starting a fire and credited with putting it out. Given a week to clear his name or... he'll get a medal, he questions everyone. It's boring. Meanwhile, the lads go to a party. On the way, they pick up Lauren (Avery Camp), Simon's new girlfriend, and the 12-year-old that Jay obsessed over in the last episode. With Simon's parents away for the night, it turns out that the party is at... Simon's house and hosted by Simon's younger brother. Going to a party with a load of twelve-year-olds is as funny as it sounds.

If they were going to make jokes about paedophilia, they could at least have told funny ones. It's the story of the series, nothing they do or say is funny. Why should it change now? Even Hulk Hogan's cameo at the end is lame.

0 out of 10.