Snow White and the Huntsman (2012)

I was actually really looking forward to this film. The trailer looked pretty good and the promise of a truly dark adaptation of a Brothers Grimm fairytale intrigued me, even after the utter disaster that was Red Riding Hood. Plus, Charlize Theron as the sexy Evil Queen seemed perfect. So, when I sat down at the preview screening, I did so with a sense of optimism.

It begins with setting up the backstory. The King and Queen of Tabor welcome a daughter into their family - Snow White. When she is only a young girl, her mother dies. Her father, King Magnus (Noah Huntley) is distraught and seems destined to be alone for the rest of his reign. When he leads his army to victory against a marauding horde of glass soldiers, he discovers their prisoner, Ravenna (Charlize Theron). Having known her for five minutes, the two promptly marry (to much laughter from the audience). It came as no surprise when Ravenna killed King Magnus, granted her glass army entry to the kingdom's castle and installed herself as Queen regnant. She then imprisons Snow White (Kristen Stewart) rather than killing her, for apparently no other reason than to ensure the film doesn't end after ten minutes. It's here that the first problem cropped up. I wasn't sure where prologue ended and film began. The backstory about Snow White's life and her imprisonment carried on... and carried on... and carried on until suddenly she had escaped and was on the run. All the while, I was expecting the titles to roll and the prologue to come to an end.

Anyway, after Snow White escapes from the castle she gets lost in the Dark Forest, which has echoes of Fangorn Forest. In a visually fantastic scene, she inhales some spores from mushrooms on the forest floor and goes on a drug-induced trip through the trees, whose branches close in around her as she walks on a carpet of dead birds. It's the best scene in the film and it looks wonderful. With Snow White beyond her power, Queen Ravenna recruits a widowed huntsman (Chris Hemsworth) to bring her back, promising that she will resurrect his dead wife. Of course, he finds her and falls in love with her. Things are complicated by a pointless love triangle involving her childhood friend Will (Sam Claflin), son of Duke Hammond (Vincent Regan) but we all know how it's going to end anyway. The Queen's brother, Finn (Sam Spruell) is dispatched to hunt the two down but he's far too camp and silly to be threatening in any way at all. The Queen, meanwhile, seems to be suffering delusions of some kind. Is her mirror on the wall really speaking to her? Apparently not. Are her obsessions with beauty and eternal youth the result of acute narcissism? Perhaps, but it's also hinted that her desires are driven not by her own vanity but by her fear of becoming wizened and powerless in the face of men who become wise and powerful with age. Charlize Theron talked about this in interviews and it certainly gives her character depth but unfortunately not enough. It's only briefly touched upon and it's a shame.

Instead, we're introduced to the eight dwarves. Played by Bob Hoskins, Ian McShane, Ray Winstone, Toby Jones, Eddie Marsan, Johnny Harris, Nick Frost and Brian Gleeson, they have a couple of good lines (mostly from Winstone and Frost) but they seemed tacked on and pointless. After escaping the forest, evading the Queen's forces and reuniting with Will and his father, Snow White rounds up an army to attack the castle, kill the Queen and end her reign of terror. Snow White's rousing speech to the assembled men was less Aragorn in Return of the King and more Keira Knightley in Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End. Ultimately, the ending is fairly satisfactory and the climactic battle is quite good but despite promising much, Snow White is disappointing. Hackneyed, clichéd dialogue and plot holes are the order of the day and the characters' personalities are barely skin deep. Some stunning visual effects and a good performance from Charlize Theron aside, there's not much to this film. Like the Queen's veil of beauty from the original story, it's far too thin. Removing the love triangle, the Queen's brother and the dwarves would have both cut down the film's bloated running time (two hours and seven minutes) and allowed greater opportunity to develop the characters and their relationships.

Disappointment is the name of the game here. Lower your expectations and you might enjoy it more than I did.

5 out of 10.

The Pact (2012)

Caity Lotz first came to my attention when she played ass-kicking Officer Kirsten Landry in MTV's horror mockumentary series Death Valley. The series is a parody of the COPS-style shows that follow law enforcement round as they do their jobs. Death Valley was slightly different. Instead of chasing bad guys, the members of the UTF (Undead Task Force) pursued vampires, werewolves and zombies. It was brilliant and I was gutted when MTV decided not to renew it for a second series. Lotz not only performed all her own stunts on the show but has a background in dance, stunt-doubling and martial arts and before becoming an actress, was a member of a girl group that had top ten hits in Germany. A talented young woman, I kept my eye on The Pact when I heard that she had been cast in it and I watched as it debuted at Sundance and was picked up for distribution. Having expected it to go straight to DVD, I was delighted to hear that not only would it be coming to the cinemas but that I had been invited to a preview screening. Brilliant!

The film begins with Nicole (Agnes Bruckner) at her childhood home, planning her mother's funeral and arguing with her sister over the phone. Her sister doesn't plan on coming to the funeral because of the way their mother treated them when they were younger. Nicole hangs up and skypes their cousin Liz (Kathleen Rose Perkins) to speak to her daughter, Eva (Dakota Bright). Eva sees someone behind Nicole and Nicole enters a darkened room. Annie (Caity Lotz) arrives at the house and finds that Nicole has vanished. Liz hasn't heard from her either and they speculate that as a former drug addict, Nicole has perhaps fallen off the wagon. Annie goes to sleep in her old room but is awoken by strange goings on.

The next day, after her mother's funeral, Annie meets up with Liz and Eva. There's still no word from Nicole and they go back to the house. That night, Annie dreams about the house, about a shadowy figure in it and her phone suddenly delivers her an address. When she wakes to go to the bathroom, Annie thinks she sees someone and investigates. What she finds is that Liz has disappeared. Suddenly, she is violently thrown around the living room by an invisible force and she runs from the house, re-entering to rescue Eva. Annie turns to the police, telling her story to detective Bill Creek (Casper Van Dien). He is unhelpful but after a series of ghost-filled dreams, mysterious addresses appearing on her phone and finding a room in the house that she had never seen before, she visits Stevie (Haley Hudson), a frail young psychic. Whatever the presence is in the house, it's pissed off and it's somehow connected to Annie's mother.

The Pact starts very well. It's creepy and has a good atmosphere and there are even a couple of good jumps too. Caity Lotz is very good as Annie, steely but also vulnerable. Haley Hudson is also excellent as the psychic Stevie. An emaciated waif, she looks as though she barely has enough strength to stand up, let alone contact the dead. Casper Van Dien is so haggard-looking that he's almost unrecognisable from the rugged young actor who played Rico in Starship Troopers. However, his role as the initially uninterested detective is mostly unnecessary and he's pretty superfluous. As a whole, the film is surprisingly well made, considering its low budget and it's sufficiently creepy with both a new idea and an interesting ending, somewhat of a rarity in the haunted house genre. It does slip a little towards the end when it resorts to the obligatory Ouija board scene but it's a good first effort from director Nicholas McCarthy.

A fresh and interesting idea, good performances and solidly executed. What more could you ask for?

7 out of 10.

Game of Thrones 2.9 - Blackwater

It's finally here. The siege of King's Landing. It's written by George R. R. Martin too so you just know this is going to be the best episode of the series.

Stannis Baratheon's fleet is almost at the capital. On board, final preparations are being made and Stannis (Stephen Dillane) looks like he's imagining himself riding triumphantly through the streets. You're not King yet, I want to remind him. Davos (Liam Cunningham) remarks to his son that he spent most of his life dodging the Royal Fleet, now he's sailing towards them. Matthos (Kerr Logan) seems to think that all they have to do is turn up and they will win. Davos is more cautious. They may have the larger fleet and the bigger army but no-one has ever breached the walls of King's Landing, he says. Matthos preaches to him about the Lord of Light and tells him that he has faith in his god and in his captain, Davos.

Tyrion can't sleep. Shae (Sibel Kekilli) asks him if he is afraid. Of course, he replies. She comforts him and he tells her that she can't fuck her way out of everything. "I have so far", she replies, reminding him of what he said when they first met - that she should fuck him like it was his last night on the Earth.

Queen Cersei is up and still drinking. Grand Maester Pycelle (Julian Glover) is offering advice but Cersei only wants what he brought her - essence of nightshade. A single drop will sooth nerves, he tells her. Three will send you to sleep and ten will... Cersei cuts him off and thanks him, sending him away.

Bronn (Jerome Flynn) is also up and drinking, but he's not alone in his chambers, he's drinking and singing the famous Lannister song The Rains of Castamere with his men and a girl he has perched on his knee. He undresses her as he tells her how he broke his nose. Sandor Clegane (Rory McCann) walks in and Bronn remarks to his lady friend that he doesn't think Sandor likes him. Sandor really doesn't like him and tells him that his Lord will miss him. One day he will, Bronn replies, standing up and grasping the handle of the knife that's hidden in the small of his back. They glare at each other just as the bells start ringing. Bronn asks him if he wants one more drink before the war but Sandor just walks off.

Varys (Conleth Hill) hates the bells. They always bring bad news, he says. Tyrion is being helped into his armour by his squire, Podrick Payne (Daniel Portman). Varys asks Tyrion if he trusts Podrick. Tyrion replies that he does. Varys unrolls a map of the tunnels beneath the city and explains that the Targaryens built them to provide escape from King's Landing, if necessary. Tyrion replies that he is not escaping. He intends to go down with the ship. "I'm sure many captains say the same when while their ship is afloat", Varys replies, telling Tyrion that his spies have heard that Stannis is working with a red priestess from Asshai. Tyrion is unconcerned but Varys tells him that he has seen things he wish he had not before remarking that he doesn't believe he ever told Tyrion how he was "cut". I don't believe you have, Tyrion replies. One day I will, Varys says, adding that he can think of nothing worse than a man like Stannis Baratheon who serves dark powers sitting on the Iron Throne. You're the only man who can stop him, he tells Tyrion.

From the watch towers, Stannis Baratheon's fleet is just visible through the fog. On his father's ship, Matthos gives the order for the men to come above deck.

Tyrion is giving some last orders to Bronn, who has clearly heard them several times before. Bronn notes that Tyrion is carrying an axe and remarks that having seen him kill a man with a shield, he will be unstoppable with an axe. They shake hands and tell each other not to die. Tyrion explains to Bronn that even though he pays him, they are friends. Sansa and Shae are hanging around, waiting for King Joffrey so that Sansa can see him off. Joffrey arrives and calls Sansa over. She tells Tyrion that she prays for his safe return. Tyrion bids Shae farewell and leaves. Joffrey has Sansa kiss his new sword, Hearteater. She asks if he will kill Stannis and he insists that he will. Of course, she says, Joffrey will of course fight in the vanguard as Robb Stark does. "Your brother's time will come", Joffrey replies, stalking off. Sansa tells Shae that Joffrey will come back. "The worst ones always do."

Joffrey joins Tyrion on the battlements and he asks where their fleet is but Tyrion is too busy for his questions and tells Joffrey that if he has The Hound cut him in half, he won't be able to give the signal.

On board his ship, Davos finds the lack of Lannister ships unsettling. His son thinks it might be a sign of mutiny but Davos is not convinced.

In a room deep inside the Red Keep, Queen Cersei is hosting all the other highborn girls. Tommen (Callum Wharry) is there, as are Sansa and Shae, who are talking about why the Queen hates Sansa so much. Shae suggests that she's jealous of her and the Queen calls Sansa over. She hands Sansa some wine and asks her if she's still "flowering". Sansa nods and Cersei remarks that as the men bleed outside, she will bleed inside. Sansa asks why Illyn Payne (Wilko Johnson) is with them and Cersei replies that he is there for protection. A member of the Kingsguard enters and tells the Queen they have caught some looters. She sends him and Illyn off to deal with them and tells Sansa that the "small folk" are only loyal if they fear you more than the enemy.

Stannis' fleet emerges from the fog and Tyrion gives the order for the archers to make ready and hold. One Lannister ship sails towards the enemy fleet and Joffrey asks where the rest are.

Davos and his son see the Lannister ship approaching and Stannis' archers stand ready too. The ship draws ever closer and Davos knows that something is wrong but he can't quite tell what it is yet. As it draws level, he can see that there is no-one on board. And then he sees it. At the back of the ship, a bright green liquid is flowing out of small portholes. Davos recognises the wildfire and gives the order to steer clear but it is too late.

From the battlements, Tyrion tosses a flaming torch over and down to the ground below. From an advanced position, Bronn lights an arrow, draws his bow and lets loose. It sails over the heads of Davos and his son and hits the wildfire as it floats on top of the water. It burns along towards the ship as Davos shouts for his son to get down. With a massive bright green fireball, the Lannister ship explodes. Davos is thrown from his ship, which is torn to smithereens. The explosion sends Stannis reeling and engulfs dozens of his ships, sending fiery green death down upon many others. So bright is the explosion that Joffrey and Tyrion can't even look at it. Bronn watches on as the wildfire burns like lava but moves like the wind, engulfing men and ships alike. Tyrion is stunned at the carnage and devastation that is unfolding before his eyes, men screaming and burning as wildfire rains down. Sandor is equally stunned and Hallyne (Roy Dotrice) chuckles as Tyrion looks at him. Stannis gets back to his feet and looks out at what remains of his fleet, sinking and burning in front of his eyes. Screams of hundreds of men, dying painful agonising deaths fill the air and Stannis removes his cloak, telling his men to prepare for landing. His captain protests that they are too far from the gate, that hundreds will die. "Thousands", Stannis replies, striding down to the deck and rallying his men. "Come with me and take this city!" he cries.

In the keep, Sansa is leading some of the other girls in a silent prayer. Queen Cersei, never one to pass up an opportunity to get pissed, refills her cup with more wine, calls her over and asks her what she is praying for. "For the gods to have mercy on us all ", she says. "Even me?", Cersei asks. "Of course", Sansa replies. "Even Joffrey?", the Queen asks. Sansa starts to reply that Joffrey is her king but Cersei tells her to shut up and explains that the gods have no mercy, which is why they're gods. That is what her father taught her when he found her praying for the gods to return her mother. Cersei hands Sansa more wine and tells her that she'd rather be outside facing the swords than trapped in here with the girls. She is only doing it because it is expected of her, so that if Tyrion wins the battle, they can talk of how inspiring she was. Sansa asks what would happen if Tyrion lost the battle. Cersei says that the keep would hold for long enough for her to surrender to Stannis in person. She says that she would not be able to get a private audience with him and would in fact have a better chance of seducing his horse. "Tears aren't a woman's only weapon", she says. "The best one's between your legs. Learn how to use it." She explains what will happen if the city is taken - half of the women in the room will be carrying bastards come morning.

Stannis' army, transferred to rowing boats, is approaching the shore. Depleted, yes, but still enough to take the city. As Joffrey panics, Tyrion orders the archers to open fire and sends Podrick to bring more men over from other parts of the city. As his ships reach the shore, Stannis himself is the first one to leap ashore. Lannister archers kill scores of Stannis' men but hundreds more take their place, charging at the walls. Rocks and arrows come hurling down as Sandor leads his men out of the gate and charging towards the invaders. Sandor does well, tearing a man in half at the waist with his sword. Lancel Lannister (Eugene Simon) does not, taking an arrow to his shoulder and retreating back inside the gate.

Cersei is telling Sansa about her childhood. About how Jaime was taught to fight and she was taught to smile and sing. About how Jaime was heir to Casterly Rock and she was sold to a stranger to be ridden whenever he liked. The same fate awaits you, Cersei implies, telling Sansa to enjoy it. Seeing Shae, whom she does not recognise, she goes over to her. Shae attempts to curtsy and fails. Cersei shows her how it is done and questions her. From commoner to the Red Keep in ten years all without learning to curtsy, she remarks. She asks Shae to tell a story but before Shae can begin, Lancell bursts in and gives Cersei the news. Cersei tells him to bring Joffrey to her and he protests but does as he is told. Cersei then tells Sansa why Ilyn is really with them - to kill them before Stannis' men can get to them.

Outside the walls, the battle rages on. Sandor carves a man in two at the shoulder and turns to see one of Stannis' men, on fire and charging at him with an axe in his hand. Sandor freezes but the man takes an arrow in the head before he can reach him. Sandor looks up to see Bronn, who nods and smiles before launching back into the fray. Carnage unfolds around him and Sandor turns around and slowly walks back through the gate. His men follow after a few moments and the doors are shut behind them. Stannis' men bring ladders and he is the first up one, climbing onto the battlements and setting about taking the Iron Throne, one Lannister soldier at a time.

Behind the walls, Sandor calls for wine as Tyrion asks him why he is not on the other side. Sandor explains that he lost half his men. Joffrey orders him back outside and Tyrion tells him that Stannis will take the city. "Fuck the Kingsguard. Fuck the city. Fuck the King", Sandor replies and walks off.

Stannis' men continue arriving on the beach, the latest contingent bringing a battering ram with them. A boat is dragged onto the beach and turned over to use as a shelter for it and the men start battering down the gates.

Lancel finds Joffrey and tells him that the Queen has ordered him back to the keep. "If you won't defend your city, why should they?", Tyrion asks, telling him to lead his men. Joffrey flounders for a moment and I honestly thought he would decide to stay. But he doesn't. He leaves Tyrion in charge and leaves. Podrick returns with more men and they ask where the King is. Taking matters into his own hands, Tyrion declares that he will lead the attack. He tells the men that they will not go out through the gate, they will come out behind them and fuck them in their arses. "Don't fight for your King and don't fight for his Kingdoms. Don't fight for honour, don't fight for glory. Don't fight for riches because you won't get any!" Tyrion begins, urging his men to fight to defend their homes and their families from Stannis' marauding horde.

Lancel returns to the Queen, telling her that all is lost. She asks where Joffrey is and he replies that he wants to escort him back to the battle. Cersei punches him in his wounded shoulder and leaves with Tommen. Sansa reassures the girls and leads them in song. Shae tells her to run to her room and hide there, that Stannis won't hurt her but Ilyn will. Sansa runs off but Shae stays behind to say goodbye to "someone". Sansa returns to her chambers and locks the door. She sees the doll that her father gave to her, now so long ago. Out of the shadows, Sandor speaks and Sansa gasps in shock. He explains that he is leaving. Leaving for somewhere that isn't burning. "What about the King?", Sansa asks. "He can die just fine on his own", Sandor replies. Sandor offers to take Sansa with him, take her to Winterfell and keep her safe. She tells him that she will stay, that Stannis won't hurt her. We're all killers, he tells her and leaves.

Tyrion's men sneak out of a small, gated culvert. Coming up behind Stannis' men, Tyrion leads the charge and begins the killing. They overturn the battering ram and kill the men carrying it, breaking out into cheers, chanting "Half man! Half man! Half man!" Turning around, Tyrion's mouth falls open. "Oh fuck me", he exclaims as hundreds of Stannis' men round the corner and charge at them. Stannis is still on the battlements, chopping the top of one man's head off as the fighting rages below the walls. Tyrion is almost killed but is saved by a Knight of the Kingsguard, Mandon Moore (James Doran), who pauses before striking at Tyrion, cutting across his face. Tyrion falls but before Mandon can finish the job, Podrick stabs a spear through his face.

In the throne room, Cersei sits on the Iron Throne with Tommen. She tells him not to worry and tells him the story of the mother lion and her cub. As she tells her story, knights emerge from the mist and charge towards Tyrion and his men. Carrying a Lannister banner, the knights charge into the battle, slaughtering Stannis' men. As Tyrion lays his head down on the floor, Cersei takes out the bottle of nightshade and removes the cap. She lifts it to Tommen's lips but before he can drink it, the doors burst open and in marches... Loras Tyrell (Finn Jones) and behind him, Tywin (Charles Dance). She drops the bottle and it smashes on the floor. Stannis' men are fleeing before his eyes and he urges them to stand and fight but they continue to run as he is dragged away. Tywin walks towards his daughter and tells her: "The battle is over. We have won!"

Wow. At the end of the episode, I was speechless. Absolutely speechless. As sieges go, that was right up there with the Battle of Helm's Deep. It may not have the massive scale that Peter Jackson's The Two Towers has, with sweeping aerial shots, a scale model fortress and a CGI army of ten thousand soldiers but what it has instead is an intense and overwhelming sense of claustrophobia. Cersei and Sansa are trapped inside the Red Keep. Tyrion, surrounded by giants clad in armour seems so much smaller and more helpless than usual. The fog rolls in and envelops the city as death approaches and the episode's (fairly) limited budget is put to great use as the focus is not on armies smashing into each other but on individual characters and close, intense, often brutal hand-to-hand combat. Oh, and the wildfire explosion was fucking amazing.

Episode director Neil Marshall, the genius behind Dog Soldiers and The Descent, puts his talents to great use here, ramping up the gore factor but not neglecting the wonderful one-on-one interactions that the series has made its own. Queen Cersei, drowning her sorrows in wine and taking years of pent-up frustration, bitterness and hatred out upon poor Sansa is the standout character of the episode, outshining even Tyrion. Lena Heady is magnificent as she channels Lady Macbeth, managing to be both cruel and contemptuous and also pathetic and sympathetic. Trapped in a body she would swap for her brother's, trapped in a loveless and miserable marriage to a man still in love with another, now trapped deep inside the Red Keep as her doom approaches, Cersei tortures Sansa with stories of what horrors await them should her hated brother fail to repulse the assault.

But repulse the assault they did. Baelish was obviously successful in his politicking and House Tyrell came to the rescue, joining up with Tyrion to relieve the city and crush Stannis' army. I presume Stannis escaped but I guess we'll find out next week. As for other characters with ambiguous fates, is Davos dead? I really hope not, he's been a great and interesting character. Anyone else? Oh, just Tyrion, attacked by the Kingsguard and left for dead! There are no shortage of characters who want everyone's favourite dwarf dead but who was ultimately behind the assassination attempt? I am presuming, of course that he is not dead. Killing off the series lead in two successive series would be much too cruel and the internet would probably explode if Tyrion were to die.

In other news, Sandor Clegane has done what he has been threatening to do all series and defied his King. I thought he would go out in a blaze of glory or take a few soldiers with him but his actual exit, telling everyone to go fuck themselves and walking off was much better. He couldn't go without trying to take Sansa with him and what on earth was she doing by deciding to stay! Even if Stannis would have done her no harm, she's in much more danger now. With the sister of the saviour of King's Landing expressing a desire not to be "a queen" but "the Queen", Sansa's position as Joffrey's betrothed is clearly under threat. As for Joffrey, I really thought he would stay on the front lines. If he had, I would have given him the tiniest grain of respect. But of course, he did not. Next week, a return to multi-storyline normality, the final episode of the year and my 42-week countdown until more new episodes of Game of Thrones begins.

Brilliant. Fantastic. Stupendous. Think of any superlative you like and add them to the list. This wasn't just the best episode of the series, or of Game of Thrones so far, it's one of the best episodes of television I've ever seen. By the time the haunting rendition of The Rains of Castamere by Matt Berninger of The National began, I was practically weeping with joy.

10 out of 10.

Veep 1.6 - Baseball

The Veep's at a health food event with industry reps in Maryland at the stadium of the baseball team the Baltimore Orioles. Nobody's having a particularly good time: Gary reveals to Jonah that his father would rather he worked for the Orioles; the industry reps think the food is awful and Selina thinks the whole thing is beneath her. Everyone's stuck in one of the corporate hospitality rooms, waiting for a group photo with the Orioles team and staff. Things aren't helped by the presence of overly-touchy photographer Ken (Patrick Fischler). Selina takes Amy aside and tells her that she had unprotected sex with Ted and needs a pregnancy test. Amy calls Mike with the news, who is at press briefing at a hotel next to the stadium. His reaction is as measured as usual, suggesting that it if it were true, it would be better if the Veep were assassinated before she started showing. Amy and Dan then go to a pharmacy and she covers for the Veep by telling him that the pregnancy test is for her. About to head off for the photo with the Orioles and then go on to an elementary school for a photo op, the Veep is grounded by a gas leak.

Dan and Amy arrive at the elementary school and stall things. Mike is taking questions from the press. Leon West (Brian Huskey) asks if the Veep fired at secret service agent for smiling but Mike successfully dodges it. Back in the stadium, Selina finds out that Ken can lip read and worries that he saw her talking to Amy about her possible pregnancy. Mike then calls Amy to tell her that the secret service story has broken but in a miscommunication, she thinks that the pregnancy story has broken. She calls the Veep to let her know and then calls Gary, who she sends to pick up more pregnancy tests. Selina goes down to the pitch for the photo with the Orioles, interrupting it to take a call from Ted (Andy Buckley). Telling him that she might be pregnant, she tells him that he proposed six weeks ago and that he needs to buy a ring.

At the school, Amy and Dan are still stalling. Leon notes that the Veep hates punctuality almost as much as she hates good government and Dan leads the children in song, trying to kill time. Finally on her way to the school, the Veep calls Sue and they look for a date where Ted might have proposed to her. Finally arriving at the school, the Veep ducks out to go to the bathroom and use a pregnancy test. Mike arrives just as the Veep joins them with a cup of her urine and he tells them that the secret service story is out, not the pregnancy story. As the Veep sits through the children singing "If You're Happy and You Know It", Gary tells her that she is pregnant.

A fairly good episode. Nowhere near as good as last week's and no outstandingly funny lines, but it was still enjoyable nonetheless. The best moments came from the mix-up over which story was out but things did take a while to get going.

6 out of 10.

The Raid: Redemption (2011)

Just like with Piranha 3DD, I never expected to actually see this film at the cinema. Unlike with Piranha 3DD, this film succeeded in blowing my mind. I first heard about The Raid: Redemption late last year and I assumed that I'd have to watch it on DVD, that it would have almost no chance of getting a theatrical release. So, to my surprise and pleasure, I heard a few months ago that it was indeed going to be released into cinemas.

An Indonesian action film made by a Welsh director, The Raid: Redemption is one of the more unlikely films released this year. It's also one of the most memorable action films I've seen in years. The story is very simple: a SWAT team twenty strong including rookie Rama (Iko Uwais) and Sergeant Jaka (Joe Taslim), joined by Lieutenant Wahyu (Pierre Gruno), storm a thirty-story block of flats occupied and run by notorious crime boss and drug baron Tama Riyadi (Ray Sahetapy). Supporting Tama are the residents of the building, his own private army and his right-hand men, Andi (Donny Alamsyah) and "Mad Dog" (Yayan Ruhian). The cops sneak in, hoping to surprise Tama but it's only a matter of time before the shit hits the fan and the action explodes off the screen.

What it lacks in intricate plot or detailed characterisation it more than makes up for in constant, pulse-pounding, overwhelming action. It's a barrage of wall-to-wall gunfights, fist fights, knife fights and fights with just about every other weapon imaginable. Massive credit must go to Iko Uwais and Yayan Ruhian, who not only star in the film but also choreograph the dazzling fight scenes. The fighting style used in the film is the Indonesian martial art Pencak Silat and at times the fights between the characters resemble dances more than anything else, so intricate and spectacular are they. Director Gareth Jones' brutal confrontations in the narrow corridors of the building draw favourable comparisons with the infamous hammer scene in Oldboy. In fact, his handling of all the fight scenes shows someone with a serious talent at work here.

In the final third, some secrets about the characters are revealed and it's set up for a sequel but the developments aren't taxing and are fairly easy to see coming. That's not to say they detract from the film. Not at all. In fact, I don't think anything could detract from the action scenes, spectacular as they are.

The Raid: Redemption is absolutely outstanding, an instant action movie classic. Go and see it while it's still in cinemas, you won't be disappointed!

9 out of 10.

Underworld 4: Awakening (2012)

Continuing the trend from the previous film of simplifying the storyline, Underworld 4: Awakening goes one step further. So, what's the plot? Errr, there isn't one. Seventy-eight minutes after it begins, the titles start rolling and you'll be scratching your head wondering what just happened.

Set shortly after the events of Underworld 2: Evolution, humanity has become aware of the existence of vampires and werewolves. In typical human fashion, they decide that the best response to this revelation is to exterminate them. It goes well, with both species driven to the brink of extinction and Selene (Kate Beckinsale) and Michael (Scott Speedman) captured. When Selene escapes from the research facility she is being held in twelve years later, she begins suffering from visions and discovers that they are not Michael's, as she had assumed, but her daughter Eve's. Eve (India Eisley) is a hybrid and managed to escape, freeing her mother. They run into a vampire, David (Theo James), who takes them back to his coven where his father, Thomas (Charles Dance), berates him for bringing a wanted fugitive and a hybrid child to their safe house. They're attacked by werewolves and then they go on the offensive against the corporation that locked Selene up for all those years.

For the first twenty-five minutes, the film doesn't really go anywhere. We're filled in on the purge against vampires and werewolves and then Selene escapes, proceeding to wander around for a bit. After she meets Dave and her daughter, they go to the coven and things stall again. Then the werewolves attack and there's a big fight. Once it's over, we're more than two-thirds of the way through the film and pretty much nothing has happened. Dr. Jacob Lane (Stephen Rea) and his son, Quint (Kris Holden-Ried), are introduced as perfunctory villains and Selene gets help from friendly human detective Sebastian (Michael Ealy), but really, at this point, who cares?

Kate Beckinsale is her usual growling, ice-cold self and Charles Dance adds a sense of gravitas to the proceedings but the main bonus is that Scott Speedman doesn't technically appear on screen. Michael's roughly two minutes of screen time comes through use of a stand-in and a digitally-created likeness of Speedman. Thank goodness for that.

Scott Speedman's absence aside, there's really nothing else memorable or exciting about the film. There's no plot to speak of, no great fight scenes, no interesting characters, no reason to watch it at all. Underworld 4: Awakening is bland, boring and instantly forgettable.

4 out of 10.

Underworld 3: Rise of the Lycans (2009)

I didn't have particularly high hopes going into the third film on the back of the spectacularly terrible second. Maybe that helped lower my expectations as I actually quite enjoyed this one!

The challenge with a film like Underworld 3: Rise of the Lycans, where the audience already know how it will end (with Viktor killing Sonja, Lucian escaping from his grasp and the war between the vampires and the werewolves starting), is to ensure that it's still interesting enough. It helps that the credits start to roll in the eighty-third minute but that's not the only positive: the incomprehensible and convoluted plot of the second film has been ditched in favour of a much simpler narrative.

When Lucian (Michael Sheen), the first werewolf able to control his powers and re-assume human form at will, is born, vampire elder Viktor (Bill Nighy) ignores his instincts to kill the "abomination" and spares his life. Instead, Lucian is used as the template for a new breed of werewolves - lycans. No longer cursed to live as rabid beasts for all eternity, they are used as slaves by the vampires. Provided with a source of cheap labour during the night and watchdogs during the day, the vampires are able to concentrate on fighting the werewolves. Viktor's daughter, Sonja (Rhona Mitra), is restless and unwilling to sit in court as her father urges. She prefers to spend her time hunting werewolves with the Death Dealers. When she falls in love with Lucian, it's only a matter of time before things unravel and a vengeful Viktor kills his daughter, starting the war that will rumble on for centuries to come.

With Kate Beckinsale's role reduced to that of narrator, the role of female lead falls on the shoulders of fellow British actress Rhona Mitra. A capable actress, she does a perfectly satisfactory job and she and Michael Sheen go together nicely. Speaking of Sheen, he does a very good job and his role as Lucian is probably the best and most memorable of the entire film. Now six years older than when he first played the role, he is much more convincing as the werewolf leader. Bill Nighy is slightly less hammy than he was in the previous films and Steven Mackintosh and Kevin Grevioux return as vampire historian Andreas Tanis and werewolf Raze, respectively. Also, look out for Spartacus and Lord of the Rings actor Craig Parker in a small role.

With the awful acting and silly plots of the preceding two films done away with, Underworld 3: Rise of the Lycans is actually the best of the bunch. It's nothing exceptional but by god, at least it's competently made! Director Patrick Tatopoulos belies his history in special effects by not being overly reliant on them and instead delivering a solid piece of work. Another bonus is the removal of guns from the film. Crossbows replace them to a certain extent but most of the fighting is hand-to-hand combat and the film is much better for it.

It won't win any awards and it can't escape the feeling of familiarity that comes with expanding on an already well-defined story but the simplified plot, uniformly competent acting and bloody battle scenes combine to make the third film the pick of the bunch.

6 out of 10.

Game of Thrones 2.8 - The Prince of Winterfell

Just as Theon has the last of Winterfell's ravens killed, Yara (Gemma Whelan) and ten of her men come galloping through the gates. So, only slightly fewer than the five hundred Theon asked for. He boasts about his success and she asks whether Bran or Rickon put up the most fight. Theon defends himself, saying that they betrayed him but she mocks him, calling him a dumb cunt for killing the only two Starks in Winterfell. He asks why she has brought so few men and she replies that she has come to bring him home. Flabbergasted, he asks why. Because Winterfell is hundreds of miles from the sea and everyone in the North hates you, she replies. Theon refuses, saying that he will not leave Winterfell. She sends her men away and asks him to come home, not to die alone. Theon refuses to leave, insisting that he will not die here. She tells him a story about how he used to cry all the time as a baby until she looked down into his crib and he just stopped, smiling at her. "Don't die so far from the sea", she tells him.

North of The Wall, Ygritte (Rose Leslie) takes Jon, now her prisoner, back to her camp. There, she gives him to the Lord of Bones (Edward Dogliani) who already has a captured ranger: Qhorin (Simon Armstrong). Oops. Oh well, at least Jon will have some company. Explaining that he already has one ranger and doesn't need another, the Lord of Bones wants Jon killed. Until Ygritte mentions that he's Ned Stark's bastard, that is. She promises the Lord of Bones that if Jon tries to run, she'll cut his balls off herself, then tells Jon that they're even. The other rangers are indeed dead and Jon remarks that it's all his fault. Qhorin tells him to make sure they didn't die for nothing.

Robb and Talisa (Oona Chaplin) are walking back from The Crag, talking about the woman he is betrothed to. Robb doesn't even know her name and she teases him, asking if the bridge he intends to marry her for was worth it. Talk turns to his father and he tells her that Ned told him that being a Lord is like being a father, with thousands of "children" to protect and that he woke up every morning afraid. Robb asked him how can a brave man be afraid and his father told him that it's the only time a man can be brave. He didn't care about gold or glory, Robb remarks. Talisa asks him if he does and he tells her that he wants to go home but that they won't be safe until the Lannisters are defeated. A rider arrives, bringing news that Jaime Lannister has escaped. What, again? Yes, again. Robb goes to his mother's tent and asks her what happened. She set him free, doing it for the girls, telling Robb that he is the only one of her five children who is free. Richard Karstark (John Stahl) tells her that he has lost two sons to the Lannisters and that she has stolen his vengeance. You've been played for a fool, Robb tells her. He posts guards at her tent and orders more men sent after Jaime.

Brienne (Gwendoline Christie) has escaped with Jaime (Nikolaj Coster-Waldau) to a river. He insults her as she takes him down to the riverbank and asks her why she hates him so much. Because you harm those you swear to protect, she replies. Jaime is amused, trying to goad her by telling her that there are only three people in Westeros who might have a chance against him in a fair right, and she is not one of them. They climb into a boat and she tells him that maybe one day they'll find out.

At his war council, Tywin's (Charles Dance) brother, Kevan (Ian Gelder) tells him that Stannis' men will take King's Landing within a day of landing and that the Court still have time to flee. Tywin refuses to hear it. Robb Stark, meanwhile, is too close to Casterly Rock for comfort. Tywin resolves to meet Robb in the field, telling his advisers that they will set off at nightfall. He leaves Gregor Clegane (Conan Stevens) in charge of Harrenhal and tells Arya to stay and serve him. Arya goes looking for Jaqen, but can't find him. Tywin rides off as she does so and she looks fearful.

Marching in single file with their captors, Qhorin tells Jon that if he could infiltrate Mance's army, he could provide them with invaluable intelligence. Jon replies that they won't trust him and Qhorin raises his voice, blaming Jon for the other rangers' deaths. He hits Jon and he goes rolling down the side of the hill. Ygritte looks down at him and you can tell that she knows what's going on.

Tyrion and Bronn (Jerome Flynn) are quarrelling as Tyrion reads piles of books on sieges and the defence of castles. Varys (Conleth Hill) enters and compliments them for the reduction in stealing. Tyrion asks Bronn how he achieved it. By rounding up all the known thieves, he replies. He tells them that during a siege, most people aren't killed by the enemy but by starvation. When a siege starts, food become more valuable than money and people turn to cannibalism. Thieves steal all the food as soon as the siege begins and become the richest men in the city. Unrolling a map of King's Landing, Tyrion points to Mud Gate as the weak point in the defences. They don't have enough men to hold it, Bronn points out. Varys asks what they do have. "Pig shit", Tyrion replies.

Samwell (John Bradley-West) and the others are still at the Fist of the First Men. Digging a hole for the latrines, he refuses to believe the others when they say that Jon is dead. Grenn (Mark Stanley) discovers a stone tablet, buried in the snow. They flip it over and pull out something wrapped in a Night's Watch cloak. It's a cache of weapons made from dragonglass.

Arya is still in Harrenhal when Jaqen (Tom Wlaschiha) finds her out. He asks her for the final name and she regrets not asking for Tywin's name sooner. He tells her that he cannot kill him now and asks for another name. She gives Jaqen his own name, telling him to go and kill himself. He asks to be "un-named" and she tells him that she will un-name him in return for helping her and her friends escape. He tells her that it would require more than one death and is not possible. She names him again and he tells her that she lacks honour. She shrugs and he agrees, telling her to walk through the gate at midnight.

Tyrion and Queen Cersei have just finished eating. She tells him that Joffrey plans on fighting and he calls it inspirational. His place is not on the battlefield, Cersei says. And it's not on the throne, either, Tyrion replies. She asks if he wants to see Joffrey die and he tells her that he will be well protected and the men will fight harder if he is amongst them. She tells him why Varys is so dangerous - because he has no cock. Smiling, she tells him that she has his whore and teases him about her, telling him that he should not have given her a big obvious necklace with a Lannister lion on it. I think I know what's coming next... She asks him if he loves her and tells him that she will suffer every wound that Joffrey suffers. The door opens and in comes... Ros (Esme Bianco). Ha! Knew it. Tyrion goes to her, apologising to her and telling her to be brave. He promises to free her and she tells him not to forget her. She is taken away and Tyrion promises his sister that he will hurt her for what she has done. Running back to his room, he finds Shae (Sibel Kekilli) still there. He tells her that they need to be careful and that he would kill for her, making her promise that she is his. She does and they kiss.

In Robb's tent, Roose Bolton (Michael McElhatton) tells him that there is still no news from Winterfell but that his bastard is only a few days away. Robb tells him to send instruction that any Ironborn who surrenders will be allowed to return home. Any Ironborn except for Theon, that is. Talisa enters and Roose excuses himself. She asks how he is and he rattles off his family's misfortunes, apologising for being rude to her, saying that it's not the kind of King he wants to be. She asks what kind he wants to be. "I don't know. The good kind?" he replies. He was raised to be Lord of Winterfell, not King. He asks her how she came to be a healer. She tells him that in Volantis when she was younger, she went swimming in the river with her little brother. Missing him in the crowds, her brother drowned. She dragged him back onto shore and a slave ran over. Pushing her away, a crime punishable by death, he performed CPR on her brother and he came round, spitting out water as he did. She decided that day that she would do something worthwhile with her life and that she would not live in a slave city again. She apologises for going on and he tells her that he does not want to marry the Frey girl. She tells him that she doesn't want him to marry her either and they kiss. Pulling their clothes off, they fall onto the floor together.

In Harrenhal, Arya, Gendry (Joe Dempsie) and Hot Pie (Ben Hawkey) are waiting, watching the gates. The guards are still on the gate and Arya tells them that they must trust Jaqen. Getting up, she walks into view of the gate and marches towards it. The others follow her and they see that the guards are dead, propped up to look alive.

Stannis Baratheon (Stephen Dillane) is on board his ship with Davos Seaworth (Liam Cunningham). Stannis recalls the nickname that some call Davos by, "Onion Knight", and that he then took the onion for his sigil. Stannis asks why he defends those who mock him and reminds him of the Siege of Storm's End, when he held the castle with five hundred men whilst his brother and Ned Stark won all the glory. After the war was over, who was given Storm's End? Renly. When the siege was at its worst, Davos made his way through the blockade with a ship full of onions and potatoes. Stannis says that he has always done his duty - first holding Storm's End, then giving it up. He promises Davos that when he takes the Iron Throne, he will name him Hand.

Joffrey is touring the defences, telling Varys and Tyrion that with the Starks distracted by the events in the North, now is the time to strike. Tyrion reminds him that Stannis is sailing their way and Joffrey replies that he will ride out to meet him and cut him down himself. Joffrey walks off and Tyrion and Joffrey try to imagine Stannis' terror at the thought of Joffrey challenging him to a duel. Tyrion tells how when his brother became the youngest ever member of the King's Guard and his sister became Queen, he was put in charge of the drains in Casterly Rock. He says that he never expected to have any real power and Varys tells him that he is a good Hand because he enjoys playing the game. Varys then says that he has heard news from Qarth - Daenerys Targaryen lives and has three dragons. It will be years before they are grown, but when they are, there will be nowhere to hide. "One game at a time, my friend", Tyrion replies.

Speaking of Daenerys, she and Jorah are hiding from Xaro and Pyat's spies. He tells her that he has found a ship with a good captain. She refuses to leave without her dragons and when he tells her that her dragons are not her children, she tells him to go without her. He refuses, telling her that he would die for her. She tells him to take her to the House of the Undying but he warns that if she did, the warlocks would never allow her to leave. "What of my magic?" she asks, reminding him of how her dragons were hatched in the first place. Jorah replies that he will remember that moment until he dies. Stroking his face, she tells him that they are the only children she will ever have and asks him to take her to them. He nods silently.

Theon tells Dagmer (Ralph Ineson) to bury the bodies on display. Maester Luwin (Donald Sumpter), walking past, sees Osha (Natalia Tena) sneaking down into the crypts with loaves of bread. He goes down to see her. She explains that the doubled-back on themselves, with Winterfell being the last place they would look for them. She asks who the burned bodies belong to and he tells her that they must be the farm hands, burned and passed off as Bran and Rickon but tells her that the boys must not know or Bran will blame himself. They've suffered enough, Osha agrees. Bran (Isaac Hempstead-Wright) is awake and has heard everything they said.

Only two to go now and next week's episode sees the battle we've been waiting for all series finally kick off. Until then, there are twists and turns that must be followed and plots that must be laid. First of all, it was obvious that Bran and Rickon weren't dead. If they hadn't shown Bran giving the man two farmhands or mentioned them, maybe it would have been more convincing. Ah well, it's not important. Jaime Lannister's release will be important though. Will he make it back to King's Landing in time? Probably not but you never know. Jon's in a fine mess north of The Wall but he'll probably manage to ingratiate himself into Mance's inner circle somehow. Oh, and now that Robb and Talisa have finally acted on their sexual tension, how about Jon and Ygritte keep each other warm? What will Samwell do with the dragonglass? And I knew Arya wouldn't try and kill Tywin but where are they going to go now? It was nice to see Bronn back again, his speech about thieves in sieges was good and he's got to be one of my favourite characters. Doubtless to say, he'll probably go and die next week now. I have no idea what Tyrion was on about when he suggested defending the walls with pig shit, though. He must have been referring to the wildfire. Particular highlights from this episode were Tyrion and Cersei plotting right in front of each other and Tyrion and Varys talking on the walls of the castle. Talisa's story of how she came to want to leave Volantis was also a good scene and Oona Chaplin (grand-daughter of Charlie Chaplin) was very good this week.

I try looking for faults every week, I really do, but once again I just can't find one. Well, a slight complaint would be that once again Daenerys is barely on screen, although I suppose that depends on how prominently she's featured in the book. Now that Tywin has ridden off to meet Robb in battle and Arya has escaped, I'm guessing that we won't get to see any more of their wonderful scenes together, which is a shame. Otherwise, damn close to perfect.

9 out of 10.

The Borgias 2.7 - The Siege at Forli

Juan is back! Yay! He returns to the Vatican to much fanfare and applause (and not just from me). He has brought with him gifts. For his sister, a black panther in a cage, which gives her hand a little nip. For his father, a box of cigars, which his father assumes are "turds". Also with Juan is Hernando De Caballos (Robert Cavanah), a conquistador and veteran of the Siege of Granada.

In Florence, the gang of young boys from the previous episode has grown larger and more annoying. They now travel round the city, signing and demanding that people give up their riches to them. From a balcony, Cesare and Niccolo Machiavelli (Julian Bleach) watch on.

Juan has coaxed his father into picking up one of the "turds" and tells him to put it into his mouth. "What, all of it?", his father asks. To titters from the gathered people, he puts one end into his mouth and Juan lights it. I was in stitches.

Later that evening, the Pope and Juan are talking by the fireplace. His wife is pregnant and he refuses wine, asking instead for water. Has Juan gone soft on us? Turning to business, the Pope tells Juan to take command of the Papal army and compel Caterina Sforza to come to Rome, by force, if necessary.

Cardinal della Rovere is talking to his friar friend (Roger Lloyd-Pack) over a bowl of gruel. They discuss with pleasure the actions of friar Savonarola in Florence and the possibility that the Pope could sentence him to death for heresy. Cardinal della Rovere insists that Savonarola tone down his rhetoric, needing him far more on Earth than in the afterlife. His friar friend tells him that they must get word to him that their plot to assassinate the Pope is proceeding at all speed.

Lucrezia pops in on her father to tell him that she's meeting with a suitor, Calvino Pallavicini of Genoa. He tells her to follow Juan's lead and marry well. He is smoking another cigar and she asks him if it's a turd. "No", he replies angrily. "Smells like one", she replies.

Juan pays a visit to a doctor (Richard Durden). Suffering from a venereal disease, he is prescribed mercury and a good old fashioned urethra scraping. As the doctor describes how his instrument will scrape clear puss and discharge, Juan looks like he's about to faint. The doctor gives him something to bite on and starts inserting his instrument into Juan's urethra. Lovely.

Friar Savonarola (Steven Berkoff) is preaching in his church, praising the boys who run around seizing people's possessions. Micheletto watches on, leaving to join Cesare and Machiavelli outside. They are stood by a massive pile of "vanities" - furniture, artwork, books and other "riches" that are to be burned. Micheletto reports back that Savonarola is defying the order not to preach.

At Forli, Juan arrives at the castle gates with the Papal army. Her men rush to the battlements and bar the gate as the Papal soldiers form up just beyond the edge of a forest that borders the castle grounds. Hernando, accompanying Juan, tells him to meet with Caterina and present his terms.

Lucrezia meets with Calvino Pallavicini (David Alpay) and his brother Raffaello (Tom Austen) again. Well, the Pope meets with them; she is late. She finally arrives, bringing her caged black panther with her. She greets them, presents her black panther to them as a gift, then promptly leaves, irritating her father no end.

At Forli, delegations from both sides ride out to meet each other. Juan tells Caterina (Gina McKee) that she is to accompany him to Rome or else he shall take her castle by force. Telling Juan that his father is a hamster and his mother smells of elderberries, she refuses. As her delegation returns, a Papal archer shoots her son Benito's (Noah Silver) horse from underneath him. He is grabbed by Papal soldiers and carried back to their lines. Looking on in anguish, Caterina returns to her castle.

Juan has Benito tied up in his tent, asking the boy how old he is and how much his mother loves him. He tells him that he will be tortured, not for information, but so that Caterina can see him suffer.

In Rome, Lucrezia has her nanny (Helen Bradbury) follow Raffaello Pallavicini and report back on his movements. Apparently, he likes to paint and draw and eat apples. She reports that he met no-one and Lucrezia decides that she will take up painting, giving her nanny money to buy paint and brushes.

At Forli, Caterina Sforza is not worried about the siege. Ludovico Sforza has been alerted and is on the way with an army to break the siege. Before her eyes, Benito is brought out and tied up to a torture device. At Juan's urging, he begs his mother to help him. She demands he be released but Juan tells her that only when she goes to Rome and pledges allegiance to the Pope will her son be released ("dead", he adds to Benito). Hernando is uncomfortable with the torture of a boy and Juan tells him that if he doesn't like it, he can return to Spain.

In Florence, the boys draw closer to Machiavelli's house. Machiavelli tells Cesare that Juan and the Papal army have laid siege to Forli but that Ludovico Sforza is on his way to help Caterina. Blimey, news travels fast in 16th century Italy, doesn't it? Cesare asks if a rider could reach Forli in time and Machiavelli replies that it depends how fast the rider travels. Resolving that his duty lies in Florence and that his brother can take care of himself, Cesare decides not to leave. The boys begin knocking on the house's door, demanding they hand over their riches.

At a waterside ruins in Rome, Raffaello notices Lucrezia. They talk about painting and her love of poetry. Raffaello asks her if she will marry his brother. She asks if he would make a good husband and he replies that he is an honourable man. "That is not love, is it?" asks Lucrezia. Nope. Gazing at each other soppily, they kiss.

As the gang of boys start drawing marks on his door, Machiavelli opens it. They demand his "vanities" - gold, silver, trinkets, books. Books are hardly vanities, are they? Still, nothing beats a good book burning eh? Machiavelli tells them he has nothing but his intellect. They ask him if he would rather go to heaven or hell. Hell is this place, he replies. Then, they tell him to hand over vanities or they will break his windows. Having an idea, he gets them a vanity - a stuffed owl, and promptly closes the door in their faces.

The torture of Benito doesn't seem to be working. Caterina declares to her general that if her son dies, so be it. Juan rides back up to Benito and starts boasting again. She directs a crossbowman to kill him. The man lines up his shot and take sit, succeeding only in hitting Juan in the thigh. Furious, Juan cuts off one of Benito's fingers in reply.

Vannozza pays her daughter a visit, asking her why she is defying her father. Lucrezia objects to being traded like a cattle at market and Vannozza correctly surmises that she likes Raffaello. She warns her that her father will never agree to it but Lucrezia asks why not. "Why not indeed", her mother replies.

Evening draws in Florence and the burning is about to begin. Machiavelli laments that a painting by Botticelli is among the items to be burned. Friar Savonarola arrives and starts the fire. Savonarola sneaks up behind Cesare, calling the burning a "bonfire of the vanities" and warning him not to get too close. He and Machiavelli walk off but Micheletto lingers, eyeballing the friar.

Cardinal della Rovere is apparently not finished poisoning Antonello (Jesse Bostwick). He gives him a seventh dose and Antonello reveals that when he takes the poison, he passes over to the other side and then returns. Della Rovere asks him if he sees anything. "Just darkness and shadows", he replies.

The Pope is not enthused about Lucrezia's falling in love with Raffaello, telling her that she is marrying for her family as well as herself. Lucrezia apparently gives up, telling her father to sell her to the highest bidder.

At Forli, Benito is about to be hanged. Juan demands an answer from Caterina and she refuses to yield. Meanwhile, Ludovico Sforza's men draw closer. Asking if that is her final answer, Caterina draws up her skirts and flashes herself to Juan, telling him that she has the means to produce ten more sons, who will hunt down and kill Juan. As Juan prepares to give the order to kill Benito, Ludovico Sforza (Ivan Kaye) and his army strike. With their miniature cannons, they tear the Papal army to ribbons. Juan orders Benito killed but Hernando saves the boy. Juan rides off as his army is massacred. Just as he looks to be escaping, his horse is killed by a cannonball and he flees through the forest on foot.

Juan finally returns! He had appeared to have mellowed out somewhat. At least until he took a fifteen-year-old boy hostage and tortured him, that is. The Forli storyline aside, the episode was quite dull. Nothing really happened in Florence and the Pope's hilarious introduction to cigars and Juan's trip to the doctor aside, nothing much happened in Rome, either. Lucrezia has found another ill-fated lover but it'll only be a matter of time until Juan kills him. If he doesn't end up being captured by the Sforzas, that is. Someone else who may end up dying soon is Friar Savonarola. If the Pope doesn't burn him at the stake, Micheletto will burn him to death with that glare he gave him! Cardinal della Rovere continues swanning about

A fairly average episode raised just above such a level by the two great scenes early on in Rome and Juan's most welcome return.

7 out of 10.

Veep 1.5 - Nicknames

The Veep is in the Senate, waiting to cast a tie-breaking vote. She's bored and Amy remarks that she can't fall asleep live on C-SPAN because "the irony would be too huge". When Selina gets back, she's excited about the clean jobs taskforce but annoyed that she has nothing on her calendar. She and Mike try and come up with an opening joke for her speech to a fire fighters union but his suggestions are terrible. When Dan tells her that the President is at a briefing on a fiscal responsibility bill that she wasn't invited to, she takes off her shoes and sprints down the hallways. When the meeting's over, she assembles her senior staff and decides that the President's deliberately avoiding her (more so than usual) because he's mad at her over something. Dan is dispatched to find out what's going on and Selina is about to google herself to see if her speech to the firefighters is getting any coverage when Amy, Mike and Gary all advise her against doing so. Mike tells her that they search all of her nicknames too and she asks what they are. You just know this is going to be good... "Mammary Meyer", "Grizzly Madam", "Shee-rah" "Meyer the Liar", "The Bat Cave", "Piss Face", "Wicked Witch of the West Wing", "Veep Throat", "VoldeMeyer", "Dickless Van Dyke", "Taudry Hepburn", "Blunder Woman", "Selena Meh" "VaSelina" and "Betty Poop" are the current ones. When Selina questions why she's called "Piss Face", a secret service agent snickers.

On a mission to dig up some intel, Dan has lunch with Jonah in a busy diner. He tells Dan that the President loves clean jobs and is called away by his beeper but the two agree to go to see a metal band that evening. Meanwhile, Selina and Amy are pleased with the draft for the clean jobs bill and the same secret service agent snickers at one of her lame jokes. As Jonah and Dan headbang away at a "metal" gig (where no-one in the audience is wearing black, good sign that no-one who made this show has been within a hundred yards of a metal gig), Selina asks Gary what some more of her nicknames are. "Vaguely Personable", "Viagra Prohibitor", "Visible Panties" and "VPILF" are some of the nicknames based on her title. Leaving the office, Amy and the Veep run into Sidney Purcell (Peter Grosz). When the Veep excuses herself, he tells Amy that the clean jobs bill is a disgrace and he will personally see that it dies.

The next morning, Dan and Mike prep the Veep on clean jobs, playing devil's advocate on the bill. Later, Amy brings some bad news: the President's so keen on the fiscal responsibility bill that green jobs is being put onto the back burner. They hadn't heard about it because Selina had banned them googling her nicknames. If only they'd googled "Mrs DoubtMeyer". Selina rants at her staff, asking why Dan was using Jonah to get intel because it's "like trying to use a croissant as a fucking dildo: it doesn't do the job and it makes a fucking mess". Dan suggests that they take the best parts of clean jobs and get a friendly Senator to amend them to the fical responsibility bill. It would be ballsy but the President would be enraged. "We can do anything we want if we really want to", Dan says. "What is this, "Eat Pray, fucking Love?", asks Amy.

On the way to speak to the firefighters, Selina is called back to the Senate to break another tie... on the clean jobs amendment to the fiscal responsibility bill. Selina decides to vote "the way my principles and conscience tell me to go", asking the car "which way do you think that should be?" Back at her office, Amy advises voting against the amendment and Dan advises voting for it. Selina votes no. As Selina and Amy discuss the fallout, Amy has some good news - the snickering secret service agent has been reassigned. Jonah then turns up with some "good" news - the President has given the Veep a new assignment: obesity. Selina is furious and complains that she'll have to follow fat people, saying, "I'm the Vice President of the United States, put the cupcake down!"

Easily the best episode of the series so far! It wasn't scattergun, it was well-written, there were some brilliant lines and the nicknames were fantastic. If Veep can keep this form up, I'll be leading the calls for a second series.

8 out of 10.

Underworld 2: Evolution (2006)

I've only ever seen Underworld 2: Evolution once before and I pray to the old gods and the new that I never have to watch it again. I remember it being pretty boring the first time and that feeling was only redoubled when I watched it for a second time.

It starts out quite well, with a flashback to the year 1202. The three vampire elders, Viktor (Bill Nighy), Markus (Tony Curran) and Amelia (Zita Gorog) are cleansing a village of werewolves and searching for Markus' twin brother, William, who is also the first werewolf. It's a good scene and it's also nice to see people fight with something other than lots and lots of guns. However, it's all downhill from there, I'm afraid. Back in the present day, Markus, newly awakened from his slumber, proceeds to finish off Kraven (Shane Brolly) and then sets out to find his brother. Selene and Michael decide to go looking for Markus to make their case to him but then change their mind shortly before he attacks them for seemingly no reason. They decide instead to visit exiled vampire historian Andreas Tanis (Steven Mackintosh), who delivers torrents of completely unfathomable exposition. Meanwhile, an old man on a boat called Lorenz Macaro (Derek Jacobi) examines the bodies of Viktor, Amelia and Lucian. He finds the second half of a pendant inside Viktor, the first half of which was in Lucian's possession until he died and Michael took it from him. The pendant turns out to be the key to opening the prison in which William has been locked and Markus wants it so that he and his brother can rule the world.

It's complete and utter horseshit. What was once well thought-out mythology has become nonsensical rubbish. More than half of the film is taken up with various characters talking endlessly about "hybrids" and "bloodlines" and "purity" and introducing various new centuries-old characters. The other half consists mostly of gunfights that make the first film look like The Matrix. No-one can hit a target barely twenty feet from them and apparently a massive werewolf can survive being locked in an iron maiden-like coffin for hundreds of years without dying of starvation or thirst.

Markus, who is literally an overgrown bat, spends most of the film flapping round and stabbing people with his talons, then drinking their blood to steal their memories. We are at least spared from Shane Brolly's dreadful acting as he dies within the first twenty minutes but nothing can spare us from Scott Speedman. Kate Beckinsale growls her way through the film and Derek Jacobi wanders round like he can't believe what he signed on for. Neither can I, sir. Neither can I. Bill Nighy once again hams it up so much in his flashback scenes that I thought he would actually grow a curly tail. It might be almost half an hour shorter than the first film but it drags so slowly you'd think it was just as long. Endless scenes of utterly inane dialogue about god only knows what and gunfights on ships, in castles and in the forest are all mixed together and covered with a very liberal blue coating to arrive at this contrived mess. Avoid like the plague.

2 out of 10.

Underworld (2003)

I was so excited when this film came out in 2003. Vampire Kate Beckinsale in a skin-tight leather outfit fighting werewolves... how could it suck!?! Well, it did. Badly. The second one was even worse and I've never seen the third one (I started to watch it a couple of years ago but I was too tired so I turned it off and went to bed). But, with the fourth one recently released on DVD, I decided to watch and review them one at a time. Up first, well, the first one.

Vampires and werewolves (or lycans, as they're known in the series) have been at war for centuries but now the vampires are seemingly on the verge of victory. The "Death Dealers", vampiric assassins, are hunting the last few werewolves down and Selene (Kate Beckinsale) is among their number. When the werewolves' leader, Lucian (Michael Sheen), takes an unusual interest in a human (Scott Speedman), Selene grows suspicious and defies the leader of her coven, Kraven (Shane Brolly), by awakening her creator, the vampire elder Viktor (Bill Nighy). Once the human's importance is revealed, the two sides are drawn into a confrontation that could change them forever.

I may have been a teenager back then but I could probably have written a better film myself. The first major flaw with the film is the fact that the vampires are massive pussies. I mean huge, wimpy, pathetic pussies. The werewolves are massive, muscular beasts and the vampires just hiss a lot. Whenever there's a one-on-one between some vampire and some werewolf, the vampire gets eaten. Probably the best example of this is towards the end of the film when a vampire and a werewolf square off in a partially flooded room. The werewolf changes and the vampire gets out his weapon: a pair of pathetic-looking whips. I mean, what was he going to do, tickle the werewolf to death? Well, no. One of them gets stuck and he gets eaten. Serves him right. This brings me to the second major flaw: the weapons. The film was billed as "vampires vs werewolves". A more accurate description would have been "people with guns shoot each other (oh, and they just happen to be vampires and werewolves)". It's a huge disappointment. These two classic horror species face off and the best they can do is fire guns at each other. Lame. The final battle ends up just being a load of people shooting at each other. The third major problem is the acting. Shane Brolly, who plays the vampire Kraven, has all the acting ability of a slightly damp umbrella and he ruins every scene he's in. Kate Beckinsale's not bad, although to be fair she just has to pout a lot and look good in a catsuit. Scott Speedman has essentially disappeared since starring in the first two Underworld films and based on his performance here it's not hard to see why. Bill Nighy overacts to compensate for almost everyone around him being useless. Michael Sheen isn't bad either but as a centuries-old werewolf leader he's just not convincing. Sophia Myles is beautiful but doesn't have enough to do in a role that should have been expanded. Everyone else either hams it up (Erwin Leder, I'm looking at you) or is just plain awful. Oh, and Kevin Grevioux has a really weird voice. He's a massive 6'2" werewolf and he sounds like somebody kicked him in the balls.

Anyway, flaws to one side, the film does actually have some positives. The backstory is incredibly detailed and very well worked out. The story of how the two sides came to be at war is also nicely done and a pleasant surprise. It also looks suitably dark and gothic. Ultimately though, good backstory and nice scenery mean naught when the plot's not good enough and the acting stinks. Oh, and at two hours and thirteen minutes, it's much too long.

Depressingly disappointing. A waste of a good idea and badly acted to boot.

4 out of 10.

Piranha 3DD (2012)

Piranha 3D was un-fucking-believable and one of my favourite films of 2010. It was one of the most consistently fun and enjoyable films I've seen in ages and I had high hopes for Piranha 3DD. I honestly never thought I would see it at the cinema. After having its 2011 release pushed back indefinitely, I assumed I would have to watch it at home. When it got a cinema release, I was delighted. By promising to double everything from the first film, how could they possibly go wrong? How many times have I said that? I will learn my lesson eventually.

First things first, it's not terrible, it's just terribly disappointing. The story's pretty simple: marine biologist Maddy (Danielle Panabaker) returns from university to the water-park that she and her step-father, Chet (David Koechner) co-own. He has built a new "adults only" section and replaced all the lifeguards with strippers in the hopes of boosting business. Maddy meets her ex-boyfriend Kyle (Chris Zylka) and her friends Shelby (Katrina Bowden), Barry (Matt Bush) and Ashley (Meagan Tandy). That evening at the lake, piranhas kill Ashley and her boyfriend and attack Shelby and her boyfriend, with one of them swimming inside Shelby's vagina (can you guess what's going to happen with that one?). The next day, Maddy and Shelby are attacked by piranhas as they sit on the pier at the lake. Maddy kills one of them and she, Kyle and Barry take it to Carl Goodman (Christopher Lloyd), who tells them that the piranha from Lake Victoria have travelled through underground rivers and lakes and man-made pipes and sewage systems. Attracted by the chemicals in the water, the piranha are moving closer to the water park. On the day of the park's grand re-opening, David Hasselhoff appears as a celebrity lifeguard and the piranha close in...

The ingredients are all there: returning characters Carl Goodman, Deputy Fallon (Ving Rhames) and Drew Cunningham (Paul Scheer); hot young actresses; ridiculous bad guys; brilliant cameos and over-the-top gore and nudity. But, where Alexandre Aja expertly blended all the ingredients in the first film, director John Gulager of the Feast films can't get it quite right. The film takes too long setting things up and there are four separate instances of a pair of people being attacked by the piranhas as they venture into the lake. When things finally kick off and the piranha attack the water park, the carnage simply isn't there. People get out of the water too quickly and what could have been an orgy of violence turns out to be more like a dry-humping of violence. I mean, they even manage to mess up a penis-biting scene! The ending is incredibly sudden and the whole thing lasts barely seventy-five minutes - an extended credits sequence with outtakes from the film lasts about ten minutes.

The best thing about the film is easily David Hasselhoff. He's fantastic, really funny and pokes fun at himself and his role in Baywatch. Danielle Panabaker and Katrina Bowden are fine (although if you're wondering whether Panabaker finally survives a horror film, you'll have to watch and find out) but the other characters just fall flat. David Koechner's villain just isn't sleazy enough and neither Chris Zylka not Matt Bush have enough personality. They should have given Deputy Fallon more screen time too. The ending sets us up for Piranha 3DDD but whether it will actually get made remains to be seen.

All in all, a really disappointing follow-up. When David Hasselhoff is the best thing about your film, you know you've gone wrong somewhere.

4 out of 10.

Game of Thrones 2.7 - A Man Without Honour

There are some honourable men on Game of Thrones but there are far more who have no honour. Joffrey springs to mind straight away, as do Jaime Lannister and now, Theon. We begin where we left off, at Winterfell. Theon wakes up to find his bed empty and one of his men dead. Assembling the others, he berates them for allowing a halfwit and a crippled boy to escape. Lorren (Forbes Keir-Bucknall) tells him that Rickon and Osha escaped too, noting that he was the one who fucked her last night. Theon promptly kicks the shit out of him and sets off with horses and dogs to find them, Maester Luwin (Donald Sumpter) accompanying them. Theon promises not to kill the boys if they find them quickly and Maester Luwin points out that they are worth more alive than dead and that Robb will have dispatched a force to re-take Winterfell by now. Theon is unconcerned; his sister is much closer and Winterfell's defences are legendary.

Osha (Natalia Tena), Rickon (Art Parkinson) and Bran (Isaac Hempstead-Wright), who is carried by Hodor (Kristian Nairn) are still on the move. They come across a farm and Bran recognises it as the one that he sent two orphans to, in order to assist the owner in collecting the harvest. He doesn't want to stay but Osha points out that they can't run from hounds forever.

Jon wakes up, still spooning Ygritte (Rose Leslie). She asks if he has a knife pressed up against her and Jon gets flustered, telling her they are to keep moving. She asks him if he's ever been with a girl and he tells her to be quiet. She starts teasing him about what the men of the Night's Watch get up to with no women around. "No wonder you're all so miserable", she remarks. Jon's not in the mood for it though and tells her to shut up. She tells him that she might be his prisoner but she's still a free woman, mocking him for not being able to touch a woman because he swore an oath. Jon replies that it's the price he paid for joining the Night's Watch. She asks him why he chose to invade her lands rather than sleep with women. Jon tells her that Wildlings raid his land all the time, that some of them tried to kill his little brother. They've always been our lands, Ygritte replies. You just built a wall and claimed everything south of it. Jon tells her his ancestry, that he's as much a northerner as she is. "So why are you fighting us?" She asks, walking off.

The reprisals for Amory Lorch's death are swift with men tortured and hanged in droves. Tywin (Charles Dance) tells Gregor Clegane (Ian Whyte) that it was wolfsbane that killed Lorch, not something easily come by. Gregor replies that they believe it is the work of an infiltrator from the Brotherhood Without Banners. Tywin demands they be caught and killed by any means necessary. Arya arrives with Tywin's lunch, mutton stew. Tywin turns his nose up, giving it to Arya. She eats as he looks out the window, telling her that this war will be his last, that win or lose it will be his legacy. He tells her that King Harren the Black intended for Harrenhal to be his legacy. The largest, most powerful castle ever built, it was impregnable to attack from the ground. Unfortunately for him, Aegon the Conqueror and his dragons were able to overwhelm it, killing him and all his sons. Arya reminds him that Aegon's sisters Rhaenys and Visenya flew dragons against Harrenhal as well. She impresses Tywin with her knowledge of Visenya, revealing her to be a heroine of hers. Tywin remarks that she reminds him of his daughter and asks where she learnt about Visenya. Arya replies that her father taught her. Tywin says that he's never met a literate stonemason and Arya asks if he's met many stonemasons, prompting Tywin to caution her about going too far. He sends her back to the kitchens but not before he corrects her grammar, telling her that lowborn girls say "m'lord" not "my lord", adding that if she is to pose as a commoner, she should do it properly. Arya replies that her mother served House Dustin and taught her how to speak properly. Tywin tells her she's too smart for her own good and sends her away. Arya turns around with a "thank fuck I got away with that" look on her face and leaves. Tywin smirks and drinks from his goblet.

In King's Landing, Sansa runs into Sandor Clegane (Rory McCann) and thanks him for saving her, praising his bravery. He tells her that it took no bravery, that he takes his pleasure from killing. Sansa protests that her father never took pleasure in killing. Sandor tells her that he lied and that one day she will be grateful for him, when he's all that stands between her and Joffrey.

Xaro (Nonso Anozie) tells Daenerys that he has called a meeting of the Thirteen. She asks why he is helping her. Apparently he's concerned for his reputation, having brought her into his house. She doesn't care though and walks off.

Ygritte hasn't finished telling Jon how much better they have it north of the wall. They don't have to take silly oaths or follow men who are king just because their father was, which is why they chose Mance Rayder for their king and why he came north -because he wanted to be free. She tells him that he could be free too. He could build a cabin and take his pick of Wildling women for a wife. She's getting to him but he just tells her to carry on walking.

Robb is hearing from Alton Lannister (Karl Davies), who has returned from King's Landing with news of Cersei's response to his peace terms. Robb thanks him and, lacking room, sends him to be kept with Jaime Lannister. Talisa (Oona Chaplin) asks for a minute of his time. Dealing with so many wounded men means that she has run low on supplies and asks if she can give Robb a list for him to give to the Maester of The Crag when he goes to negotiates its surrender. Robb tells her to come with him so she can just take what he needs.

Theon and his men have found the farm that the fugitives saw earlier. The dogs have lost the trail and Maester Luwin suggests starting again in the morning but Theon refuses to give up. He interrogates the farm owner, who claims not to have seen them but Dagmer (Ralph Ineson) has found something: empty shells of Rickon's favourite nuts. Theon ominously sends Maester Luwin back to Winterfell.

Daenerys is glumly looking over her empty dragon cages when Jorah finally returns. She seems pleased to see him and mourns that Irri died alone, that she could not protect her. Doreah is missing too, presumed dead. Jorah tells her that he should not have left, that the people of Qarth are not to be trusted. Daenerys asks who it is that she can trust. The Targaryens? The Dothraki? The people of Westeros? Jorah tells her that she is not her brother, deluded and foolish and that she can trust him. She says that she does not need to trust anyone and that he is too familiar. He asks how he can help and she tells him to find her dragons.

Ygritte is convinced that Jon is lost and teases him again, this time about what his fellow rangers would say if she told them they slept together. She tells him that if it's her word against his, they may as well have sex anyway, telling him how wet and warm she is. He gets flustered again, grabbing his sword. She backs off and uses the distraction to pull her leash out of his hands, running off up out of the valley and over the top. He goes after her, finding only the rope. She pops out from behind a rock as wildlings emerge all around him. "Should have took me while you had the chance", she tells him.

Sansa's dreams are full of the moments before she was almost raped. She wakes up screaming and panting, noticing that the bed is wet with blood. Terrified that she will have to start having Joffrey's children now, she tries to cut the patch out of the sheets but it has soaked through to the mattress. Shae (Sibel Kekilli) walks in and they try and turn the mattress but when Shae is off scaring another maid who saw the bed, Sandor walks in and sees it too. Sansa is taken to see Queen Cersei, who comforts her and tells her that she is now fit to bear children for the King. Cersei says that Joffrey has always been difficult and tells her how Robert was not present for the birth of any of her children, adding that at least Grand Maester Pycelle and Jaime were with her. Joffrey will not be there for you either, she says. You will not love the King, but you will love his children, she adds. Sansa replies that she does love Joffrey. Cersei is touched and advises her to love only her children. "Shouldn't I love Joffrey?", Sansa asks. "You can try", Cersei replies.

Alton Lannister is being held in Jaime's (Nikolaj Coster-Waldau) cage. Despite being his cousin, has no idea who Alton is. Alton tells him that he squired for him and they talk about their first taste of battle, Jaime saying how he first squired for Barristan Selmy. Alton asks if he's ever thought about escape. Jaime says that he has and brings Alton closer. Head-butting him, Jaime bashes his head in with his shackles. The guard, Torrhen Karstark (Duncan Lacroix), hears the commotion and comes into the cage. Jaime catches him unawares and breaks his neck.

Jorah has gone to see Quaithe (Laura Pradelska) who tells him that he loves Daenerys. He asks where her dragons are and she asks him if he will betray her again, Jorah having once been Varys' spy. He replies, "never" and she tells him that the thief is with her now. Not very helpful as she's currently in a meeting with the Thirteen. The Spice King (Nicholas Blane) is annoyed at being called a liar and remarks that if Daenerys' dragons do die without her, it will be for the best as the world will be saved from them. Pyat Pree (Ian Hanmore) sides with Daenerys but then tells her that he has her dragons. He explains that he made a deal with the King of Qarth, to the laughter of the Thirteen. Daenerys says exasperatedly that there is no "King of Qarth". Xaro stands up and proclaims himself King, joined by Pyat. He tells the eleven others that they have been close-minded for too long. The Spice King replies that three baby dragons and a charlatan do not make you a King. Empires have been built by less, Xaro replies. Pyat says that Daenerys will be re-united with her dragons. Copies of him then appear behind the eleven men, killing them. Daenerys runs but one of the copies blocks her way. Jorah appears, stabbing it, to no avail. The copy vanishes and then reappears behind them, telling Daenerys that her dragons are in the House of the Undying and that she should go to them.

Jaime managed to escape but did not get far. Catelyn emerges from her tent to find the guard's father, Rickard Karstark (John Stahl), demanding Jaime's head. He tells Catelyn not to stand in his way and she asks if he has forgotten who she is; she is the widow of his Liege Lord and the mother of his King. She promises that Jaime will be brought to justice but now is not the time. She orders him to stand down and Rickard marches off, swearing that he will have Jaime's head. Jaime mockingly thanks her and she has him sent to the stockades. "You've become a real she-wolf in your later years" he says.

Tyrion is with Cersei, re-reading the latest news of Stannis' movements and it's not good. He gives it four or five days before he arrives to lay siege to the city but she is not worried. She quotes their father and Tyrion reminds her that he's not with them. It's just them and Joffrey, who needs to start acting like a King, he says. Cersei laments that she cannot control him. She says that she hoped he would be like Jaime and openly wonders if she did the right thing by having children with her brother. She recalls the saying "every time a Targaryen is born, the gods flip a coin". Tyrion comforts her, saying that Tommen and Myrcella are both good children. Cersei sobs and Tyrion looks at her with a mixture of comfort and concern.

Night has fallen and Robb has still not returned. Some men are still arguing about Jaime and Cersei and Brienne (Gwendoline Christie) pay him a visit. Jaime shows no remorse for killing Torrhen, saying that any knight would do the same. Catelyn tells him that he is no knight, that he has forsaken every vow he ever took. Jaime replies that sometimes vows overrule each other. Cateyln says that Brienne is a truer knight than he will ever be and calls him by his nickname, Kingslayer. Jaime recalls how he stabbed the King in the back and she says that he is a man without honour. He replies that he has only ever been with one woman, his sister. Unlike Ned Stark, he adds. He asks what Jon's mother's name was and asks if she pretended to love Jon when Ned first brought him home, telling her that she must have hated Jon. Catelyn asks for Brienne's sword. She draws it, handing it to her.

Theon has the people of Winterfell assembled, telling them that he warned them what would happen if they did not obey him. He gestures and two, small blackened bodies are drawn up for everyone to see. Maester Luwin cries out in anguish.

I can't believe there are only three episodes left. This series has gone by so quickly. Much too quickly. As I said, there are many men without honour and Joffrey and Jaime are certainly in that category. Theon is too but there's still no way those bodies are Bran and Rickon's. They're clearly the bodies of the two orphans sent to help the farmer. Not that that helps Theon much, he's building an awful reputation for himself. Jaime on the other hand doesn't care what anyone thinks. Theon may be acting like a twat but Cersei certainly showed her softer side this week. First with Sansa and then with Tyrion she displayed more humanity in this episode than she has in the preceding sixteen. Catelyn showed her harder side again. Will she kill Jaime? Don't bet on it. She'd love to but she knows she'll never see her daughters again if she does. Once again, the Stark sisters have contrasting fortunes. Arya's scenes with Tywin are wonderful. The two actors play off against each other so well. They have real chemistry and their scene today was probably my favourite from the whole episode. Running in a close second is Jon and Ygritte. She's absolutely brilliant. She knows just how to push his buttons and she's really funny too. The other couple who should just really get it over with and fuck each other are of course Daenerys and Jorah. She doesn't trust him and he's in love with her. Of course it will end badly but not for a while yet. In the mean time, what the fuck is she going to do next? I knew Pyat had taken her dragons and I KNEW Xaro was involved somehow. I really hope Jorah ends up killing him, he's far too full of himself. Will she go to the House of the Undying? There's no way the new King of Qarth and his stooge will just let her take the dragons back so they must have something else in mind. Does he still think she will marry him? Fool! She will take her vengeance with fire and blood and... oh wait, she's already done that routine hasn't she.

Brilliant, yet again. Utterly flawless in every single way.

10 out of 10.