Tyrion wakes with the sights and sounds of the battle still in his head. As he returns to consciousness, the face of Grand Maester Pycelle (Julian Glover) swims into focus in front of him. Tyrion calls for his squire, Podrick (Daniel Portman), who comes running. Tyrion tells him to run and tell Bronn and Varys that he is alive and Podrick scampers off. Finally, Tyrion asks Pycelle what happened. Pycelle tells him that his father won the battle, that he is no longer Hand of the King and that his current, much smaller room will become his new quarters. Smirking, Pycelle turns to leave but first tosses a coin at Tyrion, for his trouble.
As for Tywin (Charles Dance), he is sat astride a horse outside the Great Hall. The horse promptly shits on the floor before walking down the steps and into the room. Joffrey, sat on the Iron Throne, announces to a room packed with guests that Tywin, the "saviour of the city" is to be Hand of the King. Tywin takes the broach, thanks his grandson and turns his horse back the way it came. Joffrey calls Petyr Baelish next, who advances and drops to his knees. For his work in securing the allegiance of House Tyrell, he is awarded the castle of Harrenhal and all its lands. Baelish jokes that he will have to acquire some sons and grandsons to succeed him as Lord of Harrenhal. Slimy git. Up next, Loras Tyrell (Finn Jones). For his service, Joffrey tells him to ask anything and he will grant it. Loras asks that the King take his sister's hand in marriage, saying that despite her marriage to Renly, she is still a virgin. Joffrey asks Margaery (Natalie Dormer) if this is what she wants (since when did Joffrey care what a woman wanted?) and she says yes. He says that he would love to but cannot as he is betrothed to Sansa and is unwilling to break his vows. His mother advises him that the Small Council deem it unwise to marry a woman who is both the daughter of one traitor and the sister of another. Joffrey is still unwilling, citing the vow he took before the gods. Pycelle pipes up at this point, telling Joffrey that as the Starks made the pact with his father before they revealed their treachery and having consulted with the new High Septum, he is free from his obligation to marry Sansa. Joffrey promptly dumps Sansa and declares his love for Margaery, to much applause. Sansa, watching from the balcony, slinks off with her shoulders hunched before smiling for the first time in about twelve episodes and laughing. She can't get far before Baelish catches her, offering his condolences. Is he going to proposition her? Well, he tells her that Joffrey will beat her and "enjoy" her and then he offers to help get her home. She tells him that King's Landing is her home. He replies that everyone in King's Landing is a liar and they're all better than she is.
Ros has survived the mix-up with Queen Cersei (almost) unscathed. She's touching up a black eye when she hears a knock at her door. She invites the person in and a cloaked and hooded figure comes in, sitting down. She undresses but her guest tells her not to bother. It's Varys (Conleth Hill). "Most men like what they see", she offers. "I'm not like most men", he replies. "That's what most men say", she says and he laughs. She asks why he's here and he tells her he wants to know if working for Baelish is everything she hoped it would be. She asks of they've met, pretending not to know him but Varys tells her she remembers everyone she's met and that her true talents are being wasted. She tells him he's very kind and moves her hand between his legs. Varys looks up at her and arches an eyebrow. She steps backwards and he tells her that she's afraid. She admits that she knows who he is and he tells her that unlike Baelish, he protects those who work for him. He tells her that whereas Baelish sees only profitable holes when he looks at Ros, he sees a potential partner. Ros tells him that she's afraid of Baelish and he tells her that she should be. But Varys knows his weakness, no matter how hard he tries to hide it.
Brienne (Gwendoline Christie) and Jaime Lannister (Nikolaj Coster-Waldau) step out of their boat and Brienne moors it. Jaime continues teasing her about her size and her virginity. Up ahead on the path, they see three hookers hanging from the trees. A sign reads, "They lay with Lions". Jaime asks her if it makes her proud to serve the Starks but Brienne replies that she serves Lady Catelyn. Tying Jaime to a stump, she tells him that she will bury them. He tells her that they should leave them and keep moving. Three soldiers come down the road and ask what's going on. Brienne tells them she's escorting a prisoner. They fall about laughing at her before asking who she fights for. She tells them she serves the Starks and that Jaime is a thief. They question her and are about to let them go when one of them, who had been questioning Jaime, tells them to stop. He claims to recognise Jaime as, well, Jaime Lannister. Brienne tries to throw them off but one of the soldiers asks them what his name is, telling them to answer at the same time. Brienne decides to just kill them. Jaime is impressed but tells her that she killed Stark men. Brienne reminds him that she serves Lady Catelyn, not the Starks.
Robb is determined to do something, despite his mother's warning. She tells him that Walder Frey is a dangerous man to cross and that she and Ned barely knew each other and certainly didn't love each other when they got married. She tells him that it's not exciting but it lasts longer. He tells her that she's arguing for the sake of it and because she arranged it. You agreed to it, she reminds him, telling him that if he treats his oaths recklessly, his people will do too. He tells her that she has no right to call anyone reckless and walks off.
Stannis (Stephen Dillane) is not dead. Hooray! He's back in his castle and he's pissed. He tells Melisandre (Carice van Houten) that the fires lied to her. She tells him that the Lord of Light only shows her glimpses and that he should not give up the war because he lost a single battle. Enraged, he grabs her by the neck and starts strangling her. "Where's your god now?" he asks as she holds her hands up. "Inside you", she replies and he drops her, half in surprise, half in revulsion. He stares out of the window and tells her that he killed his own brother. She tells him that the war will go on for years, thousands will die and he will betray everyone and everything but he is the Warrior of Light and he will be King. Stannis tells her that she makes promises but she does not know. She leads him over to a flaming torch and has him look deep into the flames. He stares into them and a look of shock comes over his face. "Do you see, my King?" she asks. "Yes", he replies.
Theon Greyjoy isn't happy either. He's stuck in Winterfell, surrounded by Stark forces and kept up at all hours by a horn blower somewhere outside the castle walls. He asks Maester Luwin (Donald Sumpter) if he has any idea what it's like to be taken prisoner by the man who killed your brothers; to be told that he should be grateful for his captors' hospitality; to return home and find that your real family have all but disowned you. Maester Luwin advises him to run. He's hopelessly outnumbered so he should run. Theon tells him that even if he could make it home, he'd be a coward too. The old man replies that he shouldn't go west, he should go north to The Wall and join the Night's Watch. There are secret passageways out of the house that Theon could use but he just says it would be an opportunity for Jon Snow to cut his throat. Maester Luwin replies that it would be an opportunity to make amends. Theon muses that he has done many things that he would never have imagined he would ever do. Maester Luwin tells him that he's not the man he's pretending to be. He's right you know, Theon, you should listen to him. "I've come too far to pretend to be anything else", Theon says.
With his men assembled in the courtyard, Theon addresses them. All twenty of them. He gives them a rousing, passionate speech, telling them that songs will be sung about them long after the Iron Islands have slipped beneath the waves and that everyone will know their names. He leads them in a chorus of "what is dead may never die!" and lets out a war cry when Dagmer (Ralph Ineson) clonks him on the back of the head and knocks him out. Lorren (Forbes Keir-Bucknall) asks him what took him so long and Dagmer tells him he it was a good speech and he didn't want to interrupt. They put a bag on Theon's head and prepare to go home. Maester Luwin rushes out and Dagmer stabs him in the stomach with his spear.
Tyrion is still in bed, his face covered in bandages. Varys tells him that Mandon Moore tried to kill him on the orders of Queen Cersei. Tyrion tells Podrick to go to Bronn and get him to put four guards outside his door. Varys tells him not to bother - Bronn has been relieved of his command and the City Watch are now under the control of his father and sister. Even his hill tribesman have gone home. Varys tells Podrick to open the door and Shae (Sibel Kekilli) walks in and sits on the end of Tyrion's bed. Varys leaves, telling Tyrion before he goes that although the history books will have no mention of his name, he is the one who really saved the city and that he will not be forgotten by everyone. He and Podrick leave and Tyrion is short with Shae as she removes his bandages, revealing a large scar running down his face from above his left eye, across his nose to by the right-hand side of his mouth. He assumes she has only stayed with him for the money but she doesn't care about the money and wants him to leave with her. She wants to go to Pentos where they can eat, drink, fuck and be merry in peace, away from the war and his family. He wants to leave but he can't. He enjoys it too much. He asks if she will leave and she replies that she is his and he is hers, embracing Tyrion as he splutters.
They're not the only ones busy betrothing themselves to each other. Hundreds of miles away, Robb and Talisa (Oona Chaplin) are married in secret.
Meanwhile, Daenerys is on her mission to take back her dragons. She, Jorah and Kovarro (Steven Cole) make their way to the House of the Undying. Finding that the great tower has no door, they circle round it and Daenerys vanishes. Jorah calls out to her and inside she can hear him. She's in a stone corridor light by flaming torches on the wall. She takes one of them and tells Pyat Pree to come and get her. Distantly, she can hear her dragons calling to her so she sets off towards them,
Arya, trekking through the hills having escaped from Harrenhal, runs into Jaqen H'ghar (Tom Wlaschiha). She wants to learn what he does and he tells her to cross the Narrow Sea to Braavos. She tells him that her "dancing master" was from Braavos and he tells her that to be a Faceless Man is something else entirely. He tells her that she could offer up the names of those she holds responsible for her father's death to the Red God. She wants to but tells him that she needs to find her family first. He gives her a coin and tells her that if she ever needs to find him again, give the coin to any man from Braavos and tell him "Valar Morghulis". She tells him not to go, calling him by his name. He replies that Jaqen is dead and tells her to say the words. She does and he turns around. When he turns back, his face has completely changed into that of another man's. What the fuck! He bids her goodbye and leaves.
From the crypts beneath Winterfell, Osha (Natalia Tena), Bran (Isaac Hempstead-Wright), Rickon (Art Parkinson) and Hodor (Kristian Nairn) emerge to find the place deserted but for their direwolves and the castle on fire. They find Maester Luwin in the woods, propped up against a tree and still alive. He tells them that they have too many enemies to the south, that they should go north to The Wall and find Jon. Yeah, Jon's in a bit of a pickle himself at the moment too though. They don't want to leave him but he tells them that they must. Osha stays back as the others leave and he tells her to protect them. She offers to bring him milk of the poppy but he nods at her knife instead and tells her to do it quickly. She draws it and we cut to the four of them leaving, heading north with supplies and the direwolves in the lead.
Daenerys works her way through the corridors of the tower towards the sound of her dragons. She walks into a room with many doors and opens one, walking into the throne room of the Red Keep. The ceiling is gone, exposing the room to the snow, which is falling and has left a light layer on the floor. She walks towards the Iron Throne and reaches out to touch it when she hears her dragons again. Walking out of a gate, she finds herself emerging north of The Wall. There is a tent ahead of her and she enters it. Inside is her husband, Drogo (Jason Momoa) and in his arms their son, Rhaego. She wonders if she is dead and they are meeting again in the afterlife. He replies that maybe he refused to enter the afterlife without her and told the Great Stallion "to go fuck himself". She sits down next to him and he tells her that maybe she is dreaming. She realises that it is an illusion and leaves the tent, finding herself back in the room with many doors. Her dragons are there, chained to a small stone pedestal in the middle of the room. Pyat Pree (Ian Hanmore) appears in front and behind her, telling her that they miss her and that they are stronger when she is with them. As such, they will be together, forever. Chains appear, binding her arms to the walls and they tell her that this is her home now. She gives her dragons a command and they spit fire at Pyat. He burns alive and the chains binding Daenerys and her dragons turn to dust.
North of The Wall, Ygritte (Rose Leslie) tells Jon that they will be at Mance's camp soon. He distracts her and Qhorin Halfhand (Simon Armstrong) grabs a sword and launches at Jon. He is held back by wildlings and screams at Jon that he will betray them all but the Lord of Bones (Edward Dogliani) tells his men to let them fight. Ygritte gives Jon a sword and Qhorin is released. They fight, Qhorin calling Jon's father a traitor and his mother a whore. Striking Qhorin's sword out of his hands, Jon drives his sword through his chest, killing him. Ygritte tells the Lord of Bones to present Jon to Mance as the man who killed Qhorin Halfhand. The Lord of Bones cuts the bonds around his wrists and orders Qhorin's body burned. Ygritte leads him a few yards away to the edge of the cliff. Looking down into the valley they see Mance's camp arrayed in front of them. She tells him it's time to meet the King Beyond the Wall and leads him down the path as Qhorin's body burns.
Xaro Xhoan Daxos (Nonso Anozie) is asleep in bed with Doreah (Roxanne McKee), revealing her as the one who betrayed Daenerys. Jorah, Daenerys and her khalasar wake them up and lead them out. They go to Xaro's vault under the city, which they open. It's empty. She thanks him for teaching her a lesson and her people put Xaro and Doreah inside the vault. He tells her that he can help her and she begs for forgiveness but Daenerys is unmoved. Jorah locks the vault and hands Daenerys the key. Returning to Xaro's room, they loot all the valuables they can find. She asks if it will be enough to buy a ship and he tells her that it will.
Back up north of The Wall, Samwell (John Bradley-West) is collecting dung to use as fuel with Eddison (Ben Crompton) and Grenn (Mark Stanley). They moan about their job as Samwell talks about Gilly when they are interrupted by the horn. The first blast goes for rangers returning. The second blast goes for wildlings. Then, the third blast goes. White Walkers. The others run but Samwell is too slow and falls over. A blizzard rages and he sees figures moving towards him so he takes shelter behind a rock. Wights emerge from the snow and walk past him. A wight horse stops by his rock and the terrible figure sat on it looks down at him. It's a White Walker. Pale and white with skin stretched over his bones, long hair flowing from his head and fiery bright blue eyes, he stares at Samwell, who looks down at the ground and cries quietly. The walker points his spear at the Fist of the First Men and screams a war cry, ordering his army of wights to attack.
Wow. Where to begin? I don't think anyone was expecting the episode to end like that! I have to say, the reveal of the White Walker on the dead horse was slightly undermined by the fact that we've seen them before so it wasn't quite the big finish that they were hoping for. Neither, for that matter, was the resolution of Daenerys' story handled that well. After her intriguing journey through the House of the Undying, Pyat Pree's death was a massive anticlimax. He catches fire and dies. That was it. Also, as I've said before, Daenerys' storyline has often felt like filler, just a reason to keep her onscreen while the action unfolds elsewhere. She thanks Xaro for teaching her a lesson just before she locks him away to rot but what was she thanking him for? Basically, he taught her to not be so trusting. That was it. Great character progression for her. Her falling out with Jorah was better handled and was very believable. Where now for her? Well if this series is anything to go by, next year she will spend nine episodes trying to buy a boat to get back to Westeros before realising in episode ten that the boat she really needs is the one inside Jorah's heart. Or something like that.
Tyrion. He's disfigured, defenceless, powerless and friendless and still Shae sticks by him. It's a lovely, heart-warming story. And it won't last. She'll be brutally killed on Cersei's orders, no doubt. Tyrion has the taste of power that he and Varys talked about so often and not even his instinct to avoid conflict and save his own skin can persuade him to get the hell out of there. Peter Dinklage has done magnificently this series. He's taken on the mantle of series lead (in all but name) from Sean Bean and he's carried it off superbly. Where Ned Stark was loyal and honourable, Tyrion is ruthless and cunning but also witty and determined. He carried episode nine on his small shoulders and he deserves all the plaudits he's getting. Where next for him? Sidelined, with no allies and shunted into a corner, what can he possibly do? I have no idea but whatever he does, he'll change the course of the war.
Sansa is finally free of Joffrey. Sort of. Twice now she has declined offers to leave King's Landing. What the hell is wrong with her!?! Like Tyrion, she has no reason to stay and every reason to leave and like Tyrion, she feels drawn to the place. They're so alike and it's why he likes her so much. Another woman with improving fortunes is Ros. We haven't seen enough of her (or her fantastic body) this series so I look forward to seeing more of her as one of Varys' "little birds" next year. As for Varys, to take his swimming analogy, he's been treading water this series. He hasn't taken the credit like Baelish or been targeted like Tyrion, he's just quietly maintained his position and seen those around him flounder. We must still wonder where his true loyalties lie but that's something that will slowly unravel over the course of many, many episodes. Speaking of Baelish, he all but professed to serve more than one master. Still in love with Catelyn, he disobeyed Queen Cersei only to single-handedly save Joffrey's neck and keep the crown out of his uncle's hands. He also clearly has designs on Sansa. He's a slimy, slippery eel (to continue the water metaphors) and it's only a matter of time before he gets his comeuppance.
As for Stannis, at his lowest ebb, in his moment of greatest despair, when all is lost... he sees something. Melisandre shows him the light (literally) and just like that, he believes her. What did he see? Was it an illusion? Who knows. I look forward to finding out though! What is clear is that he's not done and he's not going to disappear. Neither is Loras Tyrell. He's just become one of the most powerful men in the Seven Kingdoms and his sister is about to become the Queen. It's a remarkable turnaround of fortunes for House Tyrell and all they had to do to get it was sell their souls. Speaking of soulless bastards, Jaime Lannister is drawing ever closer to his home. You just know before he does that he's either going to fight Brienne or fuck her. Probably both.
As bad as Stannis feels, he's not the unluckiest man in Westeros. That title goes to Theon Greyjoy. His cowardly men couldn't even give him an honourable death. At least they let him finish his speech, though. And it was magnificent, wasn't it? Less Kristen Stewart in Snow White and the Huntsman and more Viggo Mortensen in Return of the King. It was a brilliantly funny moment but I don't think it'll be the beginning of the end for him. Robb might take pity on him or he might escape but I don't think he's going to be killed off any time soon. As for Robb, he defied his mother as we all knew he would and married Talisa. Hmmm. You couldn't have waited until the war was over before breaking your promise, Robb? I still don't trust her much, either.
We've covered one Stark sister, how about the other? Well, it's fair to say that Arya survived her encounter with a Lannister better than Sansa did. Her scenes with Tyrion were some of the best of this series and I could watch them over and over. Maisie Williams really held her own alongside Charles Dance and she's a really excellent young actress. The other Stark children had a less than enjoyable time of things. Their home in flames, Maester Luwin dead and heading north towards The Wall. Talk about jumping out of the frying pan into the fire. As for Jon though, Qhorin's sacrifice has saved his neck and given the Night's Watch a pair of eyes and ears in the camp of Mance Rayder. If he isn't turned into a Free Man by Ygritte and her flaming red hair, that is.
So, where have we come? The War of the Five Kings in full swing, one of the claimants is dead, another is licking his wounds and things are heating up both beyond The Wall (not literally) and across the Narrow Sea (literally). We've seen betrayals and betrothals, deaths and re-births, triumphs and defeats and joy and sorrow. How does it compare to the first series. In a way, it's a really hard judgement to make. The first series was much more narrow. Ned was the beating heart and the action mostly centred around the Starks. Now, with the family scattered to the winds and more characters introduced, it's turned into a vast, sweeping epic. In many ways, it's better. The story is more diverse, the characters are richer and deeper. In many ways, it's as good as it was last year. And in some ways, it's not as good. Daenerys' storyline was probably the one weak spot of the entire series. Even so, there were still positives to draw from it, notably her scenes with Jorah. So, even the low point of the series wasn't really that low.
All in all, a brilliant episode to finish off a magnificent series. If you can show me ten episodes of better television that was broadcast this year, I'll eat Samwell Tarly's neckbeard.
9 out of 10.
