Game of Thrones 2.5 - The Ghost of Harrenhal

HOLY FUCKING SHIT! WHAT THE FUCK!?!? Sorry, I'm still recovering from the mindfuck ending to last week's episode. Well, at least things should calm back down again now.

Calm down they do. Catelyn is in Renly's tent, negotiating with him. Renly (Gethin Anthony). She promises that Robb will not seek the Iron Throne and in return Renly agrees to recognise the north's independence - as long as Robb swears an oath of loyalty to him. Catelyn is still uneasy about his feud with his brother but Renly reiterates his pledge to annihilate Stannis' army the next day. The wind blows strongly, ripping the tent's door open and something black and misty comes creeping in along the floor. Oh shit. Brienne (Gwendoline Christe) gasps as it takes the form of a figure behind Renly, stabbing him in the chest. OH SHIT! Quick as a flash, it melts back into the ether and Renly collapses into Brienne's arms. Members of the King's Guard burst in, falsely assuming that Brienne killed Renly. Catelyn tries to stop them but Brienne kills them with consummate ease before collapsing, grief-stricken, onto Renly's dead body. She doesn't want to leave him but Catelyn points out that she can't avenge him if she's caught and lynched. Together, they sneak out of the back.

News of Renly's death has spread quickly and by dawn, his men are in chaos. Some are looting, some fleeing and some, like Loras (Finn Jones) and Margaery Tyrell (Natalie Dormer) remain. Petyr Baelish walks into the tent, telling them that Stannis will arrive within the hour and take oaths of loyalty from all of Renly's former bannermen, adding that unless they want to be sold out by one of them, they should flee. Loras draws his sword but Baelish points out that he came to them, not Stannis. Margaery believes that Brienne killed Renly, as does everyone else, but Loras does not. Baelish points out that Stannis stood to gain the most from Renly's death and tells him that in order to seek his revenge, he must beat a retreat. His sister pleads with him and he storms off wordlessly. Margaery muses to Baelish that if calling yourself a king doesn't make you one, then that doesn't make her a queen either. He asks her if she wants to be a queen and she replies that she doesn't - she wants to be the Queen.

Word of Renly's death has reached King's Landing. Queen Cersei is pleased but Tyrion points out that Renly's army has flocked to join Stannis, giving him an advantage on land and on sea. She seems more concerned with Myrcella's impending departure than with Stannis' impending arrival, telling her brother that Joffrey is taking care of siege preparations. He asks for specifics but she brushes him off. Tyrion decides to make use of his new spy, Lancel (Eugene Simon). Lancel tells him that the Queen has commissioned the Alchemists' Guild to make wildfire. Tyrion threatens to tell Jaime about his affair with the Queen but Lancel insists he is telling the truth, swearing on the seven. Tyrion has heard enough, cutting him off before he can finish and remarking that even torturing him is boring. Lancel leaves the carriage they were hiding in, tripping on his way out. Tyrion tells Lancel to tell Bronn that he is to kill Lancel should anything happen to him. Lancel tells Bronn (Jerome Flynn), who was standing right next to him, who remarks that it would be his pleasure.

Stannis (Stephen Dillane) and Davos (Liam Cunningham) walk through Renly's former camp. Davos wants to talk about what he saw in the cave but Stannis refuses. Entering Renly's tent, Stannis tells Davos that with the exception of the Tyrells, all of Renly's men have joined him and soon, he will be on the Iron Throne. Davos tries to tell Stannis that nothing is worth what he's doing, not even the Iron Throne but Stannis tells him that the matter is closed. Davos asks Stannis if Melisandre will accompany him to King's Landing, telling him that she's a foreigner and some think he takes orders from her. Stannis asks Davos what he thinks and Davos replies that just as he took Renly's bannermen, she could take them from him too. Stannis replies that Melisandre will not accompany them and that Davos will lead the fleet. Davos points out that he was a smuggler and does not have experience leading a fleet, something which will anger the other lords. Stannis is unconcerned, remarking that the lords should be grateful he doesn't have them executed for treason.

Tyrion and Bronn walk through the streets of King's Landing, wondering what to do about Stannis' greater numbers. Bronn suggests Tywin but Tyrion says that he hasn't heard from his father in weeks - he's too busy getting his ass kicked by Robb Stark. Coming upon a public speaker who is railing against Joffrey, Tyrion remarks that he's not wrong. When the speaker suggests that Joffrey's strings are being pulled by a demon monkey, Tyrion loses him. Bronn points out that he's the demon monkey, Tyrion replies that he's trying to save the city.

Theon arrives at the port to take command of his first ship, the Sea Bitch. The crew arrive and he tries to assert his authority but they take little interest in him. The ship's captain patronises and belittles Theon, telling him that he's been doing the job himself well enough for years. Yara (Gemma Whelan) turns up, boasting of her fleet's size and loyalty as the crew row off without him. She walks off as the first mate, Dagmer (Ralph Ineson) turns up, introducing himself to Theon. Dagmer readies his boat as Theon complains that he has no respect from his men and has been given a task that will earn him none either. Dagmer points out that Iron Islanders don't always do as they're told and Theon notes that the Stormy Shore isn't far from Torrhen's Square. He muses that although they could take Torrhen's Square, they wouldn't be able to hold it once Winterfell got word that it had been taken but trails off as he realises what that means...

Tywin Lannister (Charles Dance) is holding a war council with his generals as Arya serves them. His cousin, Reginald Lannister (Patrick Fitzsymons) remarks that the Starks have over-stretched their supply lines and Amory Lorch (Fintan McKeown) says that there are rumours of growing discontent among the lords in the Stark forces. Tywin dismisses them, pointing out that the Starks are from the North and hence much better at coping with the cold and reduced supplies and that such rumours would probably be true of the lords in their forces too. Tywin laments that they have underestimated Robb, waiting for him to fail when he is too good a general for that. Reginald suggests that they retire to bed and Tywin snaps at him, sending him home and telling him that were they not related, he would have him scrubbing pots or executed. He walks off and Tywin questions Arya, asking her where she is from. She lies that she is from Maidenpool but when she cannot name the ruling house's sigil, he sees through her lie. He asks again and she admits that she is from the North but lies again, this time saying she is from Barrowton. Tywin wants to know what they say about Robb Stark in the North and Arya replies that he is called the "Young Wolf", he rides into battle on the back of a giant direwolf, can turn into a wolf himself and cannot be killed. Tywin asks if she believes them and she replies that she does not, adding that anyone can be killed. Pretty much the motto for the series, that. Pity no-one told Renly.

Arya goes to fetch water from the well, running into Jaqen H'ghar (Tom Wlaschiha), whom she freed from the cage when they were attacked and captured by the Lannister forces. He is now dressed in a Lannister uniform, telling Arya that he always knew she was a girl. She replies that he's one of them now and wishes that she had let him burn. Jaqen points out that they both work for the Lannisters now. She protests but he tells her that they both had a choice. He tells her that the Red God is owed three lives - his and the two others that were in the cage. He tells her that only death can pay for life and offers to kill any three people that she names. For her first name, she asks for the torturer, The Tickler.

North of The Wall, the men of the Night's Watch trudge through the snow, on their way to the Fist of the First Men to await Qhorin Halfhand. They arrive at the hill and begin setting up camp. Samwell Tarly (John Bradley) is overwhelmed by the history and majesty of the place. Jon hears a blast from a horn in the distance, telling the others that a single blast is given for returning rangers and two for wildlings. Three for white walkers, Samwell adds.

Tyrion and Bronn have paid a visit to the Alchemists' Guild. Pyromancer Hallyne (Roy Dotrice) is showing Tyrion some wildfire, which he claims can burn through wood, stone, steel... and flesh. After the Taragaryen's dragons died out, he tells them that wildfire was the key to their power. Bronn snorts, not believing the old man's tales. Hallyne insists that his order has been perfecting wildfire since the days of Maegor Targaryen and that in battle, jars of it are loaded into catapults and fired at the enemy. As Hallyne leads them off to inspect the stores of wildfire, Bronn explains his concerns, that even with professional soldiers, one jar out of ten would hit the enemy. However, all the best soldiers are off being humiliated by Robb Stark in the Riverlands and that in the heat of battle, with the enemy firing missiles back, even professional soldiers will panic, breaking their own jars and burning the city down. Hallyne complains that under King Aerys, he would not dare to criticise the order. Bronn replies that he's dead and all the wildfire he had couldn't save him. Hallyne opens the door and Tyrion steps into the store room, which is full of rows and rows of jars - 7,811 according to the pyromancer, enough to burn both Stannis' army and his fleet. Tyrion tells Hallyne that he won't be making wildfire for his sister any more, he'll be making it for him.

In Qarth, Daenerys and Doreah (Roxanne McKee) feed one of her dragons while Irri (Amrita Acharia) works on her outfit for that evening. Doreah is impressed by the dress Xaro had made for her but Daenerys remarks that the last time a rich man made a dress for her, she was married away. She tells Doreah that she knows very little of Xaro, adding that men talk about each other when they're happy, smiling at her. Doreah smiles back and Irri tells her that she should wear the dress Xaro made for her.

At the celebration in Xaro's gardens, Daenerys sees Jorah talking to two of her khalasar, who are eyeing up a large golden bird. Jorah tells her that they are arguing about the best way to steal it. She forbids them to steal it so they settle for pinching a couple of golden cups instead. Pyat Pree (Ian Hanmore) introduces himself with a magic trick, inviting Daenerys to visit the House of the Undying. Xaro (Nonso Anozie) apologises for his compatriot's theatrics, telling Daenerys that the House of the Undying is full of dusty books and potions that softens their minds. Xaro and Daenerys walk off to talk and a masked woman called Quaithe (Laura Pradelska) talks to Jorah. She tells him that Daenerys needs protecting from those who would steal her dragons.

Catelyn and Brienne, having made good their escape are preparing to make camp for the night. Brienne thinks that the shadow that killed Renly looked like Stannis but Catelyn disagrees. Just a day away from Robb's camp, Catelyn plans to tell him what happened to Renly before returning to Winterfell. Brienne just wants to kill Stannis and regrets leaving Renly but Catelyn insists it was the right thing to do, telling her that Renly's enemies are Robb's enemies too. Brienne replies that she does not know Robb but she does know Catelyn and offers to serve her, praising her courage. She makes Catelyn swear that she will not hold her back from Stannis when the time comes, which she does. Brienne then draws her sword and swears an oath to serve Catelyn. Hmm, not sure that's a good idea Catelyn. Her record so far is one master served, one master killed under her nose.

Bran (Isaac Hempstead-Wright) is hearing more appeals from the people of the North. He hears the last one and is about to go for a ride when Rodrik Cassel (Ron Donachie) arrives with news of the siege of Torrhen's Square. Bran wants to send help and Rodrik says that he can round up 200 decent men. Maester Luwin (Donald Sumpter) asks if he needs so many but Bran says that if they can't defend their own bannermen, they will have no reason to stay loyal. Outside, Bran prepares to go for his ride. He talks to Osha (Natalia Tena) about his dream but she remains cryptic. He tells her that in his dream, the sea comes to Winterfell, flooding the castle and drowning everyone, including Rodrik. He asks her what they say about the three-eyed raven north of The Wall but she only says that they say crazy things beyond The Wall.

Qhorin Halfhand (Simon Armstrong) has finally joined up with the Night's Watch. He points out a fire in the distance - a wildling camp. Should the wildlings spot them advancing, they would use the fire to signal to Mance Rayder. He reports that Mance is ready to move south and that they can't just advance on him and meet him in open battle nor can they wait for him where they are. As Mance was a member of the Night's Watch, he knows how they work and has made the wildlings more disciplined. If they are acting more like us, Halfhand says, we need to act more like them. They should sneak in, kill Mance and scatter the rest. He requests the three best rangers and Jon asks to go with him. The Lord Commander (James Cosmo) refuses at first but when Samwell offers to take up Jon's duties, he agrees.

Evening has fallen in Qarth and Xaro has become much more blunt, asking Daenerys how long Jorah has been in love with her. She replies that he is a friend and an adviser. Xaro asks her what she wants and she tells him that she wants to conquer the Seven Kingdoms and take the Iron Throne. She questions his motives, saying that he is a conqueror too but less ambitious than she is and asking him what he wants and why he bled for her at the city gates. He shows her his personal vault and tells her that if she marries him, she can have half of it, enough to buy horses, ships and an army large enough to conquer the Seven Kingdoms. He comments that he has more ambition than she thought, telling her the news that King Robert is dead. Jorah is decidedly less taken with Xaro's offer than Daenerys is. She wants to move right away but he advises caution, telling her that she needs support as well as an army and questioning Xaro's motives, pointing out that rich men don't get rich by giving away more than they have. She is irritated by his abundance of caution, asking him what he wants. He wants to see her on the Iron Throne, telling her that she has more than just a good claim, she has a gentle heart, that she is not just someone who could rule but someone who should rule. She asks what he would have her do and he says that she only needs one ship because all her allies are in Westeros. She tells him to get her the ship and he leaves.

Back in Harrenhal, Arya is giving Gendry (Joe Dempsie) tips on sword fighting, much to his amusement. A scream breaks their awkward silence and they rush off to find The Tickler (Anthony Morris), lying dead on the floor. Arya looks up to the battlements and sees Jaqen, who signals to her.

Well, that summary was a lot longer than I thought it was going to be! So much happened in this episode but obviously the main event was Renly's death. That totally threw me. I had thought that if a Baratheon was to die, Stannis would be the one to go but apparently not! No Melisandre in this episode but her pervasive influence is clear to see. Theon's treachery (or return from treachery, depending on which way you look at it) is seemingly complete. Showdown with his former friend Robb Stark, anyone? Anyone else wondering what Tyrion's going to do with the wildfire that he seemingly wants for himself? Could he entertain the dream of sitting on the Iron Throne himself? And what will Arya do with her two other free assassinations? I don't think she'll ask Jaqen to kill Tywin Lannister, she'd see that as dishonourable and he is an honourable man. I think she'll get him to kill Gregor Clegane and possibly Polliver, the soldier who took Needle from her.

Perhaps the biggest conundrum of all is the one that faces Daenerys. Will she marry the creepy and suspicious Xaro? Jorah comes the closest he has ever done to admitting his feelings for her but she knows how he feels about her and he knows that she knows. She must know that she can't accept his offer and I think (or hope) that she will take Jorah's advice and end up sailing back to Westeros with him. Then again, George R. R. Martin being the bastard that he is, he'll probably kill off Jorah. Finally, there's Bran's dream. I think we all know what that represents - the Iron Islands are coming for you!

Best episode of the series so far? Almost certainly, yes! The fairly slow start to the series has been completely forgotten and we're powering ahead now. The only disappointment is that we've passed the halfway point and in five weeks time, we'll be over a year away from more new episodes of the best fucking programme on television.

10 out of 10.

The Borgias 2.4 - Stray Dogs

Picking up almost exactly where we left off last week, the Pope is congratulating Vittoria (Jemima West) on her fine work constructing the fake cannons and Cesare is looking pretty smug. Until Micheletto arrives that is. Cesare excuses himself and Micheletto tells him that in going around Rome, the French have come across the convent of St. Cecilia. "Bad news?", Cesare asks. My dear Cesare, when has Micheletto ever delivered you good news?! The two ride off to the convent and find it in flames. I think we know what's coming. The inside of the building looks like it's been hit with a bomb and Micheletto warns his master to spare himself what he is about to see but Cesare insists on going in. There, lying on the floor is Ursula (Ruta Gedmintas). I am reminded of Lucrezia's line from the previous episode, when she discovered Paulo's dead body - her "only crime was loving a Borgia". Cesare strokes her face sadly and tells Micheletto that her death has released him of his love for her and of his feelings. Except for one: vengeance. The perpetrators were apparently French scouts. Cesare covers Ursula's body with his cloak and vows revenge, asking Micheletto to round up a dozen savage warriors from the streets of Rome.

Word of Cesare's beautiful deception has reached the Vice Chancellor's ears, who has brought a proposal to the Pope from his cousin, Ludovico Sforza, the Duke of Milan. The Duke has been approached by the Doge of Venice and the Duke of Mantua about forming a League to expel the French from Italy once and for all. Cesare is unconvinced, reminding them that the Duke of Milan allowed the French passage through his country and that Caterina Sforza rides with the King of France. Cardinal Sforza says that Caterina has returned home and the Pope seems willing to forgive them... for now.

Micheletto has rounded up his men. Hilariously, it seems that the only criteria is that they have long hair and unkempt beards like he does. He takes the mercenaries to meet Cesare who delivers his proposal to them: hunt down and take their revenge on the French scouts who are busy raping and pillaging their way through Italy.

Meanwhile, the Pope receives Ludovico Sforza (Ivan Kaye), Francesco Gonzaga, the Duke of Mantua (Patrick O'Kane) and his new wife, Bianca Gonzaga (Melia Kreiling). Oh, and it turns out that she's the same Bianca the Pope spent time in the bath with at the start of the series. Well, this could get awkward... Fortunately, Cesare returns in time to have a pop at Ludovico Sforza as he gives his grand speech about ridding Italy of the French plague. They have an army of 20,000 men and want the Pope to give his blessing to them. Cesare is amused by their claims to want to restore Italian honour and, as he converses with his father in private later, he does not see why they should work with their foes. His father explains that neither the League nor the French is capable of beating the other. Instead, they will beat each other into submission, leaving them all severely weakened and that is exactly the outcome they want. His father quips that it's surely worth a weekend in Tuscany, and Cesare smiles.

Micheletto takes Cesare's new recruits to see him again. He presents the men with a series of vicious light weapons and tells them that there are honourable ways to fight... and then there is another way.

The Pope is being fitted for some new robes ahead of his trip north and Giulia teases him before asking his permission to deepen her investigations into the church's finances, which he gives.

Cesare's men are camped out in a small village, awaiting the French scouts. When word comes that they are less than ten miles away, they set about readying themselves. The French scouts thunder into the village on horseback. Finding the place empty and no-one to rape or murder, they set about feasting and drinking instead. As they gorge themselves, Cesare (sporting a very silly masquerade mask) gives the signal and his men move into action. What follows is probably the silliest battle scene I've seen in quite a while. The weapons look fake and the whole thing is over in twenty seconds when Cesare calls for restraint, asking for them to be taken alive so they have a tale to tell. Needless to say, his men don't look happy. Neither did I.

Giulia and Lucrezia return to the Roman bath house filled with orphans from the episode before last. Same problem: no money and the orphanage is full. Now ladies, what are you going to do about it? Well, they're going to turn the water back on. But first, they need Vannozza's help. She's a little surprised they decided to come to her for advice but she helps them nonetheless, advising them to visit the brothels if they wish to catch out the offending cardinals.

The surviving French scouts are confined to a dungeon, shackled to the ceiling and attached to various instruments of torture. Cesare questions them, asking if any of them were at St. Cecilia's convent. Promising them weeks of torture at Micheletto's hands, one of them cracks under Micheletto's vicious nipple twisting and points the finger (not literally) at one of his comrades, revealing that Giovanni Sforza advised they attack the convent as it was under Cesare's patronage. Promising them freedom, or, at least, a quick death, if they give him valuable information on the French army, Cesare leaves them in Micheletto's capable hands.

Returning to his father's chambers, Cesare is questioned about his extra-ecclesiastical activities. Apparently word has reached Rome about his band of merry men. The Pope offers his son advice on vengeance, basically telling him that it's best served cold. Cesare asks his father who will be left in charge in his absence. Certainly not the Vice Chancellor, whom the Pope trusts about as far as one of the fake cannons could fire him. Nor will Cesare get the job, as both men are to accompany him. It falls instead to Lucrezia.

As she prepares to greet the College of Cardinals, she questions Cesare about his band of stray dogs. He refuses to tell her anything and she tells him that she will save him somehow. The cardinals enter and are not pleased about the idea of being ruled over by a woman. Cardinal Versucci (Vernon Dobtcheff) asks if a woman can occupy the chair of Saint Peter. "Clearly one does", the Pope replies, gesturing to Lucrezia, who lounges in said chair.

Cesare is called back to the dungeons where Micheletto has managed to extract some rather interesting information from one of the scouts. It turns out that the French keep their gunpowder disguised as barrels of fruit. Cesare orders Micheletto to release the man and release him he does, slowly embracing the man and driving a dagger into his stomach, listening to his last breath as it escapes his body.

The Pope leaves Rome in a gilded carriage, blessing the people as he goes. Hidden amongst the well-wishers are Cardinal della Rovere and his friar friend (Roger Lloyd-Pack). The two are disgusted that he has left his daughter in charge and resolve to head to Florence to meet friar Savonarola. Meanwhile, Lucrezia has decided to give the cardinals a lesson in how to make a cake. As she shows them how to separate the good wheat from the chaff, one of the cardinals correctly guesses that there is a metaphor at play. She tells them that the charitable arm of the church acts like a sieve, leaving the poor with only the chaff. The missing element from the cake? Water. And just like that, the water at the bath house comes back on. Great, now all those poor, starving, orphans can drown.

On the way to meet the League, the Pope is halted. King Charles is in a church nearby and wants to see the Pope, alone. That evening, still sick from the fever, the King asks the Pope to avert the upcoming battle. The Pope asks him to donate his spoils of war to the Church but the King won't fall for his tricks again. Backed into a corner, King Charles promises to annihilate the League's army with his cannons and drag the Pope back to France in chains. Thunder rumbles ominously and the Pope promises to convey his message to the League, asking if the King can light his cannons in the rain. The King scoffs and tells him that he knows how to keep powder dry but the Pope hits back that God knows how to make rain.

The Dukes of Milan and Mantua are finalising their battle plans in their tent when the Pope returns, delivering the King's message of carnage if his passage home is halted. Francesco Gonzaga is resolute: they will attack the French and he asks that the Pope hear his last confession in the morning before blessing the troops and retiring to the Duke's castle before the battle begins. The Pope agrees and hears Francesco's last confession. He asks the Pope to bless the battle. The Pope replies that the church recognises that some wars are just but his reasons for war - restoring valour and taking back the French spoils - are not just reasons. In return for the Church's blessing, he asks that the spoils of war all go to the Church, noting that God's blessing comes with a price. Francesco reluctantly agrees. The Pope proceeds to bless the League's army, delivering the trinitarian formula regiment by regiment.

The papal delegation retires to Francesco's castle, where they are greeted by Bianca. They make awkward small talk and retire to eat, the Pope praying for the League's army and for rain. That night, Cesare puts his silly mask back on and rides off to meet up with his men. The Pope, meanwhile, is disturbed by Bianca, who declares that they have unfinished business. He protests unconvincingly as she undresses and the two fall into bed together. Cesare has moved his men into position behind the French lines. They kill the French guards as Bianca climbs on top of the Pope. Opening the barrels, they set a trail of powder to the wagons and light them. I assumed they would explode as the Pope and Bianca reached climax but the writers aren't that tacky.

The Pope wakes the next morning, opening the windows to the sight of torrential rain. When the rain stops, he ventures out onto the battlefield, casting his eye over the dead and the re-taking of French spoils of war. Francesco has survived the battle and lies injured on a surgeon's table. He is delighted that their valour has been restored but when the Pope mentions the thunder he heard the night previously, he corrects him. There was no thunder, just the explosions from the French gunpowder that was sabotaged by some brave Roman men. The Pope is bewildered but Francesco declares himself in Rome's debt and pledges all of the captured spoils will go to the Church. Meanwhile, the remnants of the French army is in retreat. King Charles is in his carriage, being tended to by his doctor. Half of his army is dead and the other half blames him for the defeat. Cesare visits his father in his tent and, asked about the events of the previous night, he simply says that his night was as satisfactory as his father's.

A bit of a mixed bag, this episode. Jeremy Irons is on top form but the supporting plotlines let him down somewhat. Lucrezia and Giulia's plan to turn the water in the baths back on is quite silly but even that pales in comparison to Cesare's pack of stray dogs. It has only been one episode but the series already misses Juan. With him gone, there's no tension in the family any longer and unless something changes, he needs to come back. It's a pity that the only battle scene we get to see is an incredibly lame one. Really, it's absolutely laughable. I had to rewind it to make sure I hadn't accidentally skipped a couple of minutes. In contrast to that, the best scene is the Pope's morning blessing of the League's army. The sight of the men falling onto one knee as he blesses them is really well done. Oh, and it was nice to see more of Bianca too. Where now for The Borgias? Well, with King Charles having buggered off back to France, Cardinal della Rovere will resume his role as the main bad guy. Or is he the good guy? Depends on how you look at it, I guess.

A fairly good episode. Lacking somewhat in the first half, it picks up a bit towards the end. Still, probably the weakest episode of The Borgias so far.

6 out of 10.

Veep 1.2 - Frozen Yoghurt

Last week I said that Veep needs to focus more and stop trying to cram too much into an episode. Will they heed my advice?

Washington is going through a heat wave and a gastric bug is also doing the rounds. With the President away in South Africa, Vice President Meyer is nominally in charge. However, given that no-one in the West Wing seems to like or trust her, she's stuck in her office trying to sort out filibuster reform. Good news arrives when her clean jobs task force is approved and when a slot opens in her schedule, Meyer's staff arranges a photo shoot at a frozen yoghurt shop. While the Veep is in a filibuster reform meeting, the staff start drawing up lists of "good" and "bad" flavours of frozen yoghurt. Unfortunately, the meeting with Senator Doyle (Phil Reeves) doesn't quite go as planned - he will only support the Veep's plan if she keeps the oil industry off the new clean jobs task force. She agrees even though she had promised to the oil industry that they would be represented. Dan proposes putting an ex-oil lobbyist on the task force to appease both sides before heading off to meet journalist Leon West (Brian Huskey) to give him a scoop about the clean jobs task force.

Unfortunately, the President decides to announce the task force himself and Mike is sent to stop Dan in his tracks. He does, leaving Leon pissed off and plotting revenge for having his time wasted. Jonah the interrupts the Veep, telling her that the President is experiencing chest pains. She is rushed to the situation room and Jonah, worried that the Veep might suddenly become his new boss, starts acting really nice to her. With the staff of the frozen yoghurt store still waiting for her, the Veep is eventually told that the President has in fact only suffered heartburn. The Veep, hours late and suffering from the gastric bug, arrives at the frozen yoghurt shop to painfully endure a photo opportunity with the now-melted yoghurt.

Ah, now that's more like it! A little more focus, a few excellent lines and Veep moves up slightly in my estimation. I mean, it's not exactly Yes Minister but it's not half bad. The Veep's moment in the situation room was great and the final scene, where she's carried from the frozen yoghurt shop was really funny.

7 out of 10.

Game of Thrones 2.4 - Garden of Bones

I've been critical of Game of Thrones recently for essentially remaining in a holding pattern - doing nothing to advance the story and focusing on too few characters. Well, all that changes this week!

Two soldiers are guarding some horses in the dead of night in the driving rain, joking and trying to spook each other when Robb's dire wolf Grey Wind leaps out of the shadows and the men of the north launch an attack. Morning comes and Robb has won another victory against the Lannisters, inflicting five casualties for every one of their own. Roose Bolton (Michael McElhatton), one of Robb's bannermen, says they do not have the forces to hold all the prisoners they have captured, let alone feed them all. Robb refuses to execute them and when Roose suggests they torture them for information, Robb will not do it, for fear of something happening to his Sansa and Arya. A Lannister soldier struggles as a woman tries to amputate his leg and Robb lends a hand. She is Talisa (Oona Chaplin) and despite her aversion to the war and her amusement that he has no idea what will happen after he kills Joffrey, Robb seems quite intrigued by her.

Word of the Lannister defeat has reached King's Landing. Joffrey, being the wise and fair ruler that he is, has decided to threaten Sansa. She cowers on her knees as he aims a crossbow at her and Lancel Lannister (Eugene Simon) propagandises about the cannibalistic northerners. Joffrey begrudgingly admits that although killing Sansa would send a message, his mother wants her kept alive. He settles instead for having Meryn Trant (Ian Beattie) tear at her clothes and beat her. Fortunately, Tyrion and Bronn (Jerome Flynn) enter the Throne Room. Bronn gives Sansa a cloak as Tyrion tears his nephew a new one. When Joffrey protests that as King, he can do as he like, Tyrion reminds him that the Mad King did as he pleased too. Helping her to her feet, Tyrion leads her away, asking her if she wants the engagement to end. Sansa replies that she loves Joffrey and is committed to him. Tyrion, half-pittyingly, half-impressed, notes that she may survive yet. Bronn, spot-on as usual suggests that Joffrey is "backed up" and could use a woman's touch. Tyrion wonders if that'll really help and Bronn gets the best line of the episode, nothing that "There's no cure for being a cunt" but that it can't hurt. Joffrey returns to his chambers to find Ros (Esme Bianco) and Daisy (Maisie Dee) waiting for him. He has Ros spank Daisy, then beat her with his belt. Loading his crossbow, he hands Ros a sceptre and has her beat Daisy with it, telling them to go to Tyrion and show him what happened.

Renly Baratheon (Gethin Anthony) has an unexpected visitor: Petyr Baelish. Renly dislikes the slimy Baelish and tells him to be quick. Baelish's words are intriguing - he tells Renly that his siege of King's Landing could last a year; or, he could arrive to find open gates. We'd love to know exactly what he's on about but of course we don't. That evening, Baelish and Margaery Tyrell (Natalie Dormer) walk through the camp. He teases her about Renly's homosexuality and remarks that although Renly has the greater numbers, that is not decisive. If it were, mathematicians would rule the world.

Daenerys finally gets some good news! One of the three riders returns, on a brand new horse, telling her that it was given to him by the Thirteen, the Elders of the city-state of Qarth, who would be honoured to greet the Mother of Dragons. She asks Jorah for advice and he tells her that the land outside Qarth is called the Garden of Bones, for when they shut their doors on a traveller, the garden grows.

Arya, Gendry (Joe Dempsie) and the other prisoners arrive at Harrenhall and are shepherded into a holding pen while the screams of a man being tortured rip through the air.

Back at Renly's camp, Baelish goes to visit Catelyn. She is furious, ordering him out of her tent. He tells her that he's always loved her but she grabs a knife and you can tell she wants to drive it right into his fucking face. He backs away but tells her that he can help her get her daughters back and she is clearly affected, lowering the knife. Baelish tells her that the Lannisters will swap Jaime for the two girls. She scoffs at the idea, telling Baelish that Robb will dismiss it out of hand. Baelish replies that he's not making the offer to Robb, bringing in a token from Tyrion of his good faith: a chest with Ned's bones in. Baelish finally leaves and Catelyn weeps before slamming the lid shut, a steely resolve on her face. Don't do it, Catelyn!

The dawn breaks in Harrenhall and the prisoners are made ready for the arrival of Gregor "The Mountain" Clegane (Ian Whyte, replacing Conan Stevens, who had to drop out due to a scheduling conflict). Gregor inspects them and then picks one to be tortured. The man is dragged off and tortured as they ask him questions about "The Brotherhood".

Renly and Stannis (Stephen Dillane) are reunited. There is no love lost between the brothers, however. Renly mocks his brothers standard, asking why the stag is on fire. Melisandre (Carice van Houten) replies that Stannis has taken the Lord of Light as his god. Renly says that he has always seen his elder brother as charmless, rigid and a bore but never godly. Melisandre tells him that he should kneel before his brother, who has been anointed as the Lord of Light's chosen, born amid salt and smoke. Renly then gets the second-best line of the episode, asking if, being born among salt and smoke means that Stannis is a ham. Catelyn tells them that if they were her sons, she would knock their heads together and to remember that they are brothers. Stannis replies that he is surprised to see her riding with Renly given that Ned was a supporter of his claim to the Iron Throne. She tells him that they have a common foe but Stannis insists that any who oppose his claim are his foes. Renly replies that everyone denies his claim because no-one wants him to be King. Stannis makes him a final offer, giving him until the next dawn to join with him. If he accepts, he will be rewarded with a place on his Small Council and named as his successor, until his son is born. If he refuses, he will destroy him. They ride off and Melisandre leaves him with a final warning to look to his sins as the night is dark and full of terrors. Oooh, mysterious! "I loved him, once", Renly remarks as he rides off.

Daenerys and her retinue have finally reached the gates of Qarth where they are received by the Thirteen. A man known only as the Spice King (Nicholas Bane) greets them and tells Daenerys that they want to see her dragons. She asks to see her people fed first. He tells her that some members of the Thirteen doubt that she really has dragons and she objects, telling him that where she comes from, guests are greeted with respect. He suggests that perhaps she should go back there and walks off. Furious, Daenerys says that she was promised a reception. We've given you one, the Spice King replies. Daenerys says that if they aren't let in, they will die. He's sympathetic but tells her that Qarth would not be the city it was if they let any old Dothraki hoard through their gates. The Thirteen walk back to the gates and Jorah tells Daenerys to be careful but she ignores him, raging to the Thirteen, telling them that if they do not let them in, when her dragons are grown, they will burn cities to the ground, starting with Qarth. The Spice King tells her that she is a true Targaryen but notes that her threat is worthless as she had said that her khalasar would all die if they were refused entry. One of the other members of the Thirteen finally speaks up. Xaro Xhoan Daxos (Nonso Anozie) notes that fearfully turning away a young woman would not be becoming of the great city of Qarth. The Spice King and the others still refuse to budge so Xaro invokes Sumai: he will vouch for her, offering his own life in the process. The gates are opened and they are granted entry to Qarth.

Back at Harrenhall, Gregor picks the next man to be tortured and it's Gendry. Fortunately before the torturers can get started, Tywin Lannister (Charles Dance) returns. The prisoners all fall to their knees, apart from Arya. Tywin questions why able-bodied men are being tortured to death and not used as labourers, questioning Gendry as to his trade. One of the guards notices Arya is not kneeling and orders her to kneel or he will cut his (her) lungs out. Lovely. Tywin replies that he will do no such thing because Arya is a girl. Finally, someone notices! Arya tells him that she travels as a boy for safety and he notes her intelligence, something apparently lacking in his own men. He orders the prisoners released and put to work except for Arya, who will become his new cup-bearer.

Lancel Lannister delivers a message from the Queen to Tyrion asking him to release Grand Maester Pycelle. Tyrion questions Lancel as to Cersei's trust in him and his willingness to take orders from her. Lancel protests, telling Tyrion that he is a knight. Tyrion wonders aloud if Cersei made him a knight before or after she started sleeping with him. Lancel protests that he was just doing as he was told to do, first by Tyrion's father and then by the Queen. Tyrion asks if his father told him to fuck her too and Lancel begs for mercy as Tyrion tells him he will go to Joffrey and tell him everything. Lancel offers to do anything and Tyrion takes him up on the offer. He tells him to carry on as usual, do everything as usual with one exception: he must tell Tyrion everything the Queen does, says and is told by others. Lancel pathetically agrees and tells him to go back to the Queen and tell her that he'll release Pycelle in the morning but will not let him back on the Small Council.

Stannis is onboard his ship, joined by Davos Seaworth (Liam Cunningham). He questions why Davos still keeps the knuckles from his severed fingers in a bag around his neck and Davos says that it reminds him of where he has come from, where he is now and of Stannis' justice. Stannis tells him that good deeds do not wash away bad ones as bad ones do not wash away the good, asking him if he still remembers his old smugglers tricks. Any shore, any night, Davos replies. Stannis tells him that he will take Melisandre ashore and that he will not speak of it again to anyone.

Davos rows Melisandre into a cave on a shore somewhere. She tells him that she is a knight herself, of sorts - of light and life. As they come ashore in the cave, she tells him that she knows that he wants to see beneath her robe. They walk through the caves, coming to one that has been barred with iron bars. Davos notes that they were not here before as Melisandre takes her robe off to reveal that she's heavily pregnant. What the fuck? Well, never mind that because the next two minutes are even more of a mindfuck. She sits down on the floor as the lantern suddenly burns much brighter. Melisandre goes into labour, her stomach pulsating. From between her legs, something is born. Something made of smoke. Something that drags its way out of her before forming itself into a shadowy two-legged creature in front of us.

What the fuck! What the fuck was that?!?! Things have certainly picked up again now! Last week I warned that another episode of stalled plotlines would see my ratings start to slip but boy have things turned around! This episode was absolutely fantastic and easily the best of the series so far. Arya is being drawn deeper into the heart of the Lannisters; Robb is victorious in battle once more; Baelish schemes and oozes all over Catelyn again; Stannis and Renly face off for what will not be the last time; Tyrion further secures his position and Daenerys finally gets more than two minutes on screen! Oh, and something shadowy crawled out of Melisandre's vagina. She might be my favourite new character and not just because she's always taking her clothes off.

I can only hope that next week's episode is as good as this week's. The script is magnificent as usual, full of hilarious quips and great back-and-forths between the characters. The acting is top-notch and it looks absolutely wonderful. I really do run out of superlatives for this show sometimes so perhaps all that's left to do is give it a rating.

9 out of 10.

The Borgias 2.3 - The Beautiful Deception

Lucrezia is shopping in the market as Paolo's body is cut down from the bridge on the other side of the plaza. Cesare turns up and acts really suspiciously whilst asking her to leave. She's totally unconvinced and her attention is drawn to the commotion. Cesare tries to stop her but she runs across the market and collapses onto his body, sobbing hilariously. Cesare hilariously waves his sword at the onlooking crowds, telling them to go away. They back off and he goes to Lucrezia, struggling to sheath his sword as the crowds all step forward again as soon as he turns his back. Lucrezia is distraught, blaming his suicide on herself. That is, until Cesare notices a suicide note. Hands trembling, she takes the note, reads it, then collapses. Cesare carries Lucrezia back to the Vatican. Exhausted, she cannot feed her baby, who cries with hunger.

Cardinal della Rovere is at a church service, making his way through the crowds towards Pope Alexander. The Pope is not his target, however. He instead sidles up to an unnamed friar (Roger Lloyd-Pack). The two exchange pleasantries and the friar invites the Cardinal to eat with him. After the service, Cesare visits his father and tells him that the father of Lucrezia's child is dead. Cesare neglects to mention that he saw the two of them before he died but tells him that Lucrezia is inconsolable and unable to feed her son. The Pope visits his daughter and tries to comfort her but he is unable to get her out of bed. He asks what he can do to help her and she replies simply, "ask Juan". The Pope asks Cesare what can be done and Cesare admits that he set up a meeting between the two unlucky lovers. The Pope is annoyed but Cesare reminds him that she was stuck in an unhappy, abusive marriage and he was her only comfort. The Pope asks if Juan was involved and Cesare says nothing, telling The Pope all he needs to know.

Cardinal della Rovere meets with the friar at his Dominican monastery over a bowl of disgusting gruel. Della Rovere says he would like to join the monastery and the talk quickly turns to Pope Alexander. The friar says that the order wish to see the church restored and notes that whilst they share the same aims they may not share the same methods.

The Pope and Vannozza meet their two sons to ask them about Paolo. Cesare says that he barely met him and Juan says that he met him at the fountain. The Pope tells him that if he was involved he should confess. Juan confesses and when the Pope asks to what, Juan says that he confesses to not killing the boy. Father and son stare at each other across the table until the Pope leaps from his chair, dives across the table and throws himself at Juan! Vannozza holds the Pope back but Juan is unreprentant, saying that if his father would see Lucrezia married again, he should have Paolo buried in a pauper's grave. The Pope stalks off, warning Juan to be careful, lest he end up in pauper's clothes himself.

Back at the monastery, Cardinal della Rovere has revealed his plan to the friar: he will murder the Pope. The friar tells him that he has his support and the support of everyone else within the monastery.

Blissfully unaware, the Pope is at his daughter's bedside. She asks him to grant her Paolo a Christian burial but because he killed himself, that is the only thing he cannot do. She then produces the note and tells her father that Paolo was illiterate. This of course changes everything and the Pope grants him a proper burial but not before asking who was responsible. Lucrezia says simply that the murderer is too close for comfort. The Pope exasperatedly says that he will not have his family fall apart. Bit late for that, Your Popeliness. The Pope has Cesare promise to do the rites at Paolo's funeral and Lucrezia finally feeds her child again.

That night, Juan goes to see his father. He is sorry for Lucrezia's loss but cannot bring himself to confess. The Pope replies that he must chose a bride from their ancestral home of Spain before being shipped back there. The next morning, Paolo is buried.

Meanwhile, in Naples, the Sforzas come galloping into town. Micheletto watches the taxidermist finishing up Prince Alfonso's corpse. He recruits the man as a spy so that he can track the movements of King Charles. Giovanni (Ronan Vibert) and his cousin Caterina Sforza (Gina McKee) meet with King Charles and offer him their armies in return for borrowing some of his cannons to defend their family castle. Charles mocks Giovanni for his supposed impotence but the Sforzas are only interested in war.

Back in Rome, Juan has recruited the help of Bernadetta (Kellie Blaise) to help him pick a bride. Lucrezia, who cannot help but overhear their exuberant efforts and accidentally on purpose wanders into his room and tells him to keep the noise down. Juan apologises and shows Lucrezia the portraits of his potential brides. She leaves and deliberately puts her candle under the rope supporting the massive iron chandelier above Juan's bed. The flame eats away at the rope and the chandelier falls, impaling poor Bernadetta but leaving Juan unscathed. Thank god she was on top.

The taxidermist finds out Micheletto with news: King Charles is departing Naples and taking the Sforza armies with him. The Borgias, meanwhile, are unaware that their doom approaches. Vannozza and her children talk about what might have been had they not left Spain. Juan calls for more wine but Lucrezia offers to pour it, asking Juan if he has any regrets. "No burning ones", he replies. Brilliant! Lucrezia's not done though, telling him that she might "drop in on him unexpectedly". Vannozza is completely nonplussed but Juan makes a speech, declaring that despite the opposition they faced, they triumphed, offering a toast to family. The next day, massive crowds turn up to wave Juan off as he leaves for Spain. Lucrezia and Cesare can barely contain their delight. Until Micheletto arrives, that is.

Cesare reports to his father what Micheletto discovered: King Charles has departed for Rome with the intention of smashing the walls down with his cannons before raping and pillaging the city. The Pope has a plan, though. He summons Vittoria (Jemima West) and gives her instructions to forge one hundred cannons for deployment on the city's walls. Unfortunately, things aren't as simple as that. Cesare goes to Vittoria's workshop to check on the progress only to be told that the Pope's deadline of one week is ludicrous and that the city's thirty foundries would take an entire month just to produce a single cannon each. The problem? They sold off all of their bronze to pay for the Pope's festival. Whoops. Cesare smashes a plaster model of a small cannon then has a brilliant eureka moment.

Word of the French advance has reached the Dominican monastery. The friar reports the news to Cardinal della Rovere, adding that King Charles may now kill the Pope for him. Della Rovere is unconvinced, telling the friar that were he not bound to an oath of poverty, he would bet that the Pope would somehow worm his way out of it.

Work on the plaster cannons is going fantastically, with ninety-six already made and ready for deployment. Cesare congratulates Vittoria on the attention to detail on the weapons and she lets out a girlish giggle. Whoops. Cesare's dumbfounded look as he examines Vittoria's face is an absolute picture. He has no interest in breaking her cover, remarking that at least she can keep a secret. Is she going to end up fucking the entire Borgia family? That night, the Pope is fretting over what to do. The French armies are approaching and King Charles has asked for permission to pass through Rome. Cesare calms his father, leading him to the window and showing him the dozens of cannons being deployed on the walls. This strengthens the Pope and he resolves to defy King Charles, refusing him permission to enter the city.

The King and the Sforzas are informed of the Pope's refusal to allow them to enter and King Charles resolves to batter his way in instead. On the walls, another cannon is being raised into position when it bangs against the wall and a small piece breaks off the muzzle. One of the men makes a joke about it and Micheletto, who is overseeing the operation, stabs him in the chest and throws him off the wall, warning the other soldiers not to breath a word of what they saw.

Vittoria patches up the damaged cannon as the French and Sforza armies come within sight of Rome. On being told that the massive Roman walls should come down after twelve hours of cannon fire, the King is only concerned about whether he can sleep through it. After calming the cowardly College of Cardinals, Cesare rides out to parley with Caterina Sforza and the King. He demands entrance to the city but Cesare tells him to go around instead. The King boasts that his cannons will batter down the walls. Not before mine, Cesare says, motioning to the walls as the newly draped banners and tapestries are cut loose, exposing the mass ranks of cannons, which are wheeled into position. The French general advises the King that their ranks are still forming and King Charles starts to sweat. Cesare remarks that the French innovation of chained cannonballs is an ingenious one, tearing as it can through a regiment of men like a knife through butter. As the King shifts uncomfortably on his horse, Cesare asks if he is well. The King replies that he still has the Neapolitan fever. Cesare advises taking a trip home to France to recover his strength, returning to the city and leaving the King to decide. The general asks for instructions and the King tells him to sound the retreat, ordering the army to go around Rome. The army turns back and Rome erupts in celebration. His city saved once again, the Pope embraces Giulia and Lucrezia as Cesare smashes a plaster cannon ball on the floor, revealing his deception.

I hope this isn't the last we see of King Charles. He's a ridiculously hammy caricature but he's such good fun! With the French armies now slinking back to France with their tails between their legs, Cardinal della Rovere will begin plotting to kill the Pope himself. Close the door on one enemy and another sneaks in through an open window. Well, at least the Pope has rid himself of the loose cannon (pun intended) that is Juan, although I suspect that he will get himself into more mischief before the series is over. He'll probably end up murdering the King of Spain or something. Lucrezia's moping over Paolo was insufferable but at least it's over now and she can get back to her awkwardly-close relationship with Cesare. The scene over dinner where she and Juan hint at her attempt to kill him was fantastic. That scene and the tense Mexican standoff at the end were my favourites.

Lucrezia's moaning and moping aside, another very good episode.

8 out of 10.

Veep 1.1 - Fundraiser

Despite my love of all things political, comedy and political comedy, I've never seen Armando Iannucci's The Thick of It. When it first started I intended to watch it but forgot about it for whatever reason (probably because it was on BBC4) and then when successive series were aired and re-aired I would always think to myself "I must get around to watching that" but I haven't done so yet. I will do some day though. Regardless, I resolved to actually watch Veep when it started airing.

Incompetence is the name of the game in the first episode and I have a suspicion that it will become a recurring theme. The Vice President is Selina Meyer (Julia Louis-Dreyfus), a former Senator who launched an unsuccessful bid for the presidency, winning the New Hampshire primary but doing badly on Super Tuesday, withdrawing and being named as the President's running mate. Incidentally, from what Louis-Dreyfus said in an interview on The Daily Show last week, not only will we not be told what party is in power but the President will not actually appear on screen. At first glance, this seems quite a risky strategy to take. Aaron Sorkin has said that when he was drafting The West Wing, the President wasn't going to be a character, they were just going to focus on the staff in the West Wing, until they realised that this would be impractical and quite silly as the audience would end up always just missing him - as he walks out of a room or his staff leave the Oval Office. Can it work on Veep? I'm unsure.

The constitutional role of the vice president is very limited: he (or she) needs to have a pulse and must break ties in the Senate. As such, the role of the VP and the relationship they have with the president varies from administration to administration. Some VPs are given specific policy roles (Al Gore), others advise the president and work on passing legislation and maintaining relationships (Joe Biden), others are virtual "co-presidents" (Dick Cheney) and some are shut out entirely (John Nance Garner). Clearly, Vice President Meyer falls into the latter category. However, since the days of Garner, the VP has always played an important role in the administration and the idea that in the modern era the President would pick a bumbling, incompetent VP is clearly silly (cue jokes about Dan Quayle). But let's not get too far ahead of ourselves, this is a comedy after all.

Vice President Meyer's political life is a sad and pathetic one. She is reduced to filling in for the President at fundraisers when it becomes politically inconvenient for him to go, talking about filibuster reform with senators, spearheading a green jobs campaign and hopefully asking her secretary "has the President called?" every time she returns to her office. Unfortunately, the wheels come off when one of her staffers tweets on her behalf about replacing all plastic utensils on Capitol Hill with cornstarch ones, angering the plastics industry which means that most senators decide to skip her filibuster reform meeting, unwilling to irk the powerful plastics lobby. In attempting to patch things up, she meets with a former colleague, Senator Barbara Hallowes (Kate Burton), who patronises and refuses to help her. Forced to attend a fundraiser in lieu of the President, annoying White House liaison Jonah Ryan (Timothy Simons) makes last-minute changes to her speech, removing almost everything she was going to say about the green jobs initiative, for fear of angering the plastics lobby. Reduced to talking about filibuster reform, she repeats a joke that Hallowes staffer Dan Egan (Reid Scott) told her with the word retard in, forcing her to invite a disabilities charity representative into her office. The day is compounded when Amy Meyer (Anna Chlumsky), the VP's chief of staff, who was supposed to forge the VP's signature on a condolence card for the widow of recently-deceased Senator Reeves, accidentally signs her own name on the card. Gary Walsh (Tony Hale), the VP's personal aide and perhaps the most incompetent one of all, retrieves it from the West Wing so they can replace it with a duplicate. All seems lost when they find out that the President has already signed it until Dan, who has recently been hired as deputy communications director, much to the chagrin of communications director Mike McLintock (Matt Walsh), successfully copies the President's signature.

As first episodes go, it was fairly promising and mildly amusing. I didn't laugh out loud at any point but it made me smile several times and drew a chuckle or two out of me. The funniest moments were when the recently-deceased Senator Hallowes was referred to as "rapey Reeves" and when discussing getting her unfortunate joke at the fundraiser supplanted from the front pages, the VP says that every minute they waste, "retard" goes up a font size. Some general comments: annoying White House liaison Dan wears an ugly sweater vest (wonder where they got that idea?) and there is only one black character - the VP's secretary.

Veep has promise. If they can stop trying to cram too much into a single episode and focus a bit more, things could get pretty good.

6 out of 10.

Don't Go in the House (1980)

"In a steel room built for revenge, they die burning... in chains." As taglines go, that's one of the best I've ever heard. Brilliant use of ellipses too. Don't Go in the House is one of the most infamous and vilified of all of the Video Nasties. First released on video in May 1982, the film was added to the list of films that were to be prosecuted by the Director of Public Prosecution on 4 July 1983. Ultimately, the film was not prosecuted and it was removed from the list on 2 March 1984. It was passed with 3 minutes and 7 seconds of cuts in 1987 and was only passed fully uncut in December 2011!

The synopsis is quite simple. Donny Kohler (Dan Grimaldi) lives alone at home with his mother, a spiteful and domineering woman who browbeats and abuses him and used to punish him for being evil and wicked by holding his forearms over a lit stove on the oven. The character of Donny is clearly influenced by Psycho's Norman Bates and the comparisons don't end there: the house they live in is a towering old house, miles away from the neighbours and when his mother dies, Donny, like Norman, starts hearing voices and goes mad. Unlike Norman, he didn't love his mother, he hated and feared her. Neither does he kill her, she dies of apparent natural causes while he is at work. Finally, the voices in his head are his own subconscious telling him to extract his revenge, urging him to vicariously kill his mother through innocent women. His method of killing is not the machete or the axe or the butcher's knife but the very instrument that his mother used to torture him with - fire. Having developed some kind of pyromania, he works at a local incinerator and that is where the movie opens.

Donny is at work when an accident happens and a colleague catches fire. Instead of rushing to the man's aid, he is transfixed and watches him writhe around in agony until he is rescued by other workers who chastise Donny for not acting. Dejected, Donny returns home to find his abusive mother dead. At first he refuses to believe it but when it dawns on him that she has in fact died, he celebrates, dancing around the house, smoking, playing music loudly and teasing his mother's dead body. Then, voices in his head start talking to him, urging him to seek revenge for the despicable way his mother treated him. The next day, Donny does not go in to work. Instead, he starts lining the walls of one of the rooms in the house with steel panels. His colleague Bobby (Robert Osth), concerned about him, calls him up to check on him but Donny insists he is fine. That night, he sets out into town and does some shopping. His eyes casting, uninterested, over a collection of knives and guns, they fall on a fire suit. His next step: find a victim.

The unfortunate woman turns out to be the pretty florist, Kathy (Johanna Brushay). Her shop is closed but he tells her he just wants something for his mother who is sick. She relents and lets him in, selling him a bouquet. It's here that Donny's personality comes to the fore. Any traditional serial killer would have knocked the woman unconscious when she opened the door and dragged her into his truck when no-one was looking. But Donny isn't a real serial killer, he's a pathetic character really and he pays for his flowers before leaving. It's almost by accident that he manages to abduct her. In his truck outside, he has his head in his hands, perhaps lamenting his cowardice or struggling to decide what to do next. The woman emerges from her shop only to miss her bus and be heckled by three men. Donny offers her a ride and she gets in. Managing to bring her back to his house, he invites her in. Once again, it's not his charm or his brute force that brings her inside but his whiny, needling persistence and insistence that his sick mother would love to meet her. Perhaps pitying him, Kathy follows him inside the house. He makes a song and dance about looking for his mother before pretending to telephone the doctor and ask him to come over. Exasperated, she insists that he let her call a taxi and he finally makes his move, knocking her unconscious with a metal ornament.

This brings us to the film's most infamous scene - the burning scene. It is in fact the only scene in the entire film in which we see Donny burning one of his victims and when the film was released theatrically in the UK in 1980, the scene was completely missing. It was present in copies of the film that were distributed to video retailers and was released by them (knowingly or unknowingly) uncut on video in May of 1982. This is what prompted its inclusion on the list of video nasties and it was only by removing the scene almost entirely that the film was passed in 1987. Completely naked, Kathy comes round in Donny's killing room. The room, fully clad from top to bottom in steel is completely empty except for the hook in the ceiling from which Kathy now hangs, steel chains around her wrists and ankles. Donny sits in the next room, gently rocking backwards and forwards as he looks at a large box and thinks of how his mother used to punish him. Getting out of his chair, he opens the box as Kathy continues to struggle. The door bursts open and Donny, wearing the fire suit, steps into the room. Entirely covered by the suit and with only a dark, emotionless panel on the hood through which he can see, he strikes a terrifying figure. Opening a can of petrol, he pours the contents onto her, setting it down and picking up his flamethrower. She begs as he points the nozzle straight down the camera, flicking the pilot light on. She pleads again but he ignores her, spraying her with fire and setting the petrol alight. She burns alive as he stands transfixed, watching her die painfully. The effects themselves are surprisingly good considering the film's age and very limited budget. The image of Kathy on fire was apparently achieved through the use of a camera with a prism. A flame was set up on one side and the actress on another and the camera was aligned so that the two images met through the viewfinder. The special effects were done by noted makeup artist Tom Brumberger, who would go on to become personal makeup artist and hair stylist to Olympia Dukakis, the Academy Award winning actress and cousin of one-time Democratic Party presidential nominee Michael Dukakis. The only close-up of the scene, on Kathy's burning hands and the charred bodies that feature throughout the film are very well done. The scene itself is not only shocking and quite harrowing, it also marks the high-water mark for the film.

Donny's next move it to abduct another hapless woman, although all we see of her after she gets into his car is a smoking corpse hanging in his steel room. The film then emphasises Donny's utter ineptitude as he attempts to abduct a third woman from a shop. You'd have thought he'd get better at it but the best he can do is to hang around the till as she pays and hopefully ask her if she'd like a lift and he is rebuffed by both her and the cashier. Returning home, Donny begins to descend deeper into madness. He has dressed his victims in some of his mother's clothes, propping them up in chairs in one of the upstairs rooms. He is plagued by them, hearing them laugh at him when his back is turned. His mother, who he imagines shouting at him from her room remains in the chair where she died. Plagued by dreams of fire and corpses on a beach dragging him into a grave and by hallucinations of his mother's corpse, he visits Father Gerritty (Ralph D. Bowman), to whom he confesses about his mother's torture of him. He apologises to his mother's decaying corpse before calling Bobby to see if he wants to hang out. Bobby proposes they go out to a club with a couple of girls he met and the film now takes a strange turn.

Self-conscious about his clothes, Donny goes shopping. The scene where he buys a new ensemble from a slightly camp salesman is both baffling and hilarious. Dressed up, Donny goes to the club where Bobby introduces him to Farrah (Nikki Collins). Farrah tries to get him to dance with her but her refuses. When she grabs him, pulling his arms across a candle on the table like his mother used to do over the stove, he snaps and smashes the candle over her head before fleeing the scene, getting into a fight with Farrah's brother and managing to pick up two drunk girls. They go back to his house while Bobby, concerned for his friend, visits Father Gerritty for help, setting up the film's climax.

Despite its (undeserved) reputation as a sleazy, misogynistic little film, Don't Go in the House actually has quite a bit going for it. Despite its budget, the film looks pretty good. The cinematographer, Oliver Wood, would go on to become one of the top directors of photography in Hollywood. Making his name on the TV series Miami Vice, he would serve as DP on films including Die Hard 2, Face/Off, Mighty Joe Young, the remake of Freaky Friday and all three of the Matt Damon Bourne films. His most recent film, Safe House, opened in cinemas only a couple of months ago. The editor, Jane Kurson, would go on to edit films like Beetlejuice, Hot Shots! and Monster. Finally, composer Richard Einhorn, who worked on other horror films such as The Prowler and Dead of Winter, would go on to become an influential modern composer. As for the husband and wife team of writer/director Joseph Ellison and writer Ellen Hammill, they would go on to make one more film six years later - a drama called Joey. The collective talents of the crew clearly rub off on the film. Unexpectedly for a film where fire is the main theme, the film is often bathed in cool blues and greens and the director manages to tease some quite effective jumps out of the audience. As for the allegations that the film is misogynistic, those claims are simply groundless. Donny kills women not because he hates them but because he is trying to kill his mother, to take revenge for the horrible things she did to him. In a way, the film is a warning about child abuse, as the final scene illustrates.

All in all, Don't Go in the House is an interesting little horror film. Frequently overlooked and not without its flaws - the shopping scene and Donny's trip to the disco are quite strange inclusions, as is his friendship with Bobby, which seems very out of place. Nonetheless, the film is certainly worth watching. It's intriguing, influential and recommended viewing for fans of slasher and exploitation films, if only for the burning scene.

6 out of 10.

Salmon Fishing in the Yemen (2012)

At the preview screening for Salmon Fishing in the Yemen, I was handed a free copy of the novel the film is based on, which I immediately decided I would give to my mother. That should tell you all you need to know about the target audience.

Ewan McGregor plays Dr. Fred Jones, a fisheries expert for the Department for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs. One morning he receives a nicely-worded email from Harriet Chetwode-Talbot (Emily Blunt). She works for a consultancy firm that represents Sheikh Muhammad (Amr Waked), an eccentric Yemeni businessman who dreams of bringing salmon to the deserts of Yemen. Dr. Jones replies that such a project would be "fundamentally unfeasible", repeating as such to his wife Mary (Rachael Stirling) and his boss Bernard (Conleth Hill a.k.a. Varys from Game of Thrones). When a terrorist attack at a mosque in Afghanistan threatens to bring another round of bad news for the government, the Prime Minister's press secretary, the highly strung Patricia Maxwell (Kristin Scott Thomas), decides that they need some good news from the Middle East for a change. Drawing blanks, she eventually discovers the Sheikh's salmon fishing proposal and orders Bernard to proceed at full steam. Dr. Jones is ordered to meet Harriet. He does and again rubbishes the plan. Bernard, acting on orders from on high, gives Dr. Jones an ultimatum: be seconded to Harriet's firm and work on the salmon plan or be sacked. His marriage strained and his wife working in Switzerland, he reluctantly accepts.

Harriet, meanwhile, is in a relationship with Captain Robert Mayers (Tom Misom), who is stationed in Afghanistan. Dr. Jones arrives on secondment and she manages to convince him that the Sheikh's vast wealth and the presence of a dam means that the project is "plausible". They meet the Sheikh and Dr. Jones is slowly convinced that he and the project aren't quite as crazy as he first thought. Things almost fall apart when Captain Mayers is reported missing in action but the two go to Yemen to oversee the final stages of the project. Just before he leaves, his wife returns from Switzerland and confronts him about his relationship with Harriet. He admits that he's falling in love with her and they separate. In Yemen, the project initially seems to be a success before it is sabotaged by terrorists and fails. Captain Mayers, recently rescued from Afghanistan, makes a dramatic reappearance just as Dr. Jones declares his love for Harriet and she has to decide who she wants to be with as he must decide whether he wants to stay in Yemen and see the project to completion or return home to Britain.

Not only had I never read the novel of the same name, I had no idea that it wasn't written in prose but as a collection of interviews, official documents, diary entries and emails. While the narrative structure of the novel is quite interesting, the same cannot be said for the film. It's typical rom-com nonsense: utterly predictable and about as strenuous as lifting a spoonful of ice cream from the bowl to your mouth. McGregor and Blunt are pleasant and have a nice chemistry between them but they're never believable as lovers as their off-screen friendship seeps through. The "culture clash" between the two of them is suitably summed up by their names: Harriet Chetwode-Talbot and Fred Jones. Unfortunately, that's as subtle as the film gets, resorting to crude metaphors to convey messages about love and faith. Really, the only bright spot is Kristin Scott Thomas' brilliantly acerbic press secretary, from whom almost all of the laughs come.

Ridiculous, fluffy, sugary, silly, predictable nonsense. The cast at least look like they had a good time making it and if this is your sort of thing, you'll spend an enjoyable hour and forty-seven minutes watching a film about bringing fish to a desert.

5 out of 10.

Game of Thrones 2.3 - What Is Dead May Never Die

At the end of the last episode, Jon Snow was caught by Craster (Robert Pugh) as he learnt what happens to the man's sons. Now, he's dragged back to the camp and Craster tells the Lord Commander (James Cosmo) that they have to leave. Jon tells the Lord Commander what he saw, but he already knows. Offering your sons up as offerings to the White Walkers is apparently the norm north of the wall and when you're a source of information, the Black Watch ignore any indiscretions like that. As they prepare to leave, Samwell (John Bradley) shares a final moment with Gilly (Hannah Murray), giving her the only thing he has of his mother's, telling her to keep it safe for him.

In Winterfell, Bran (Isaac Hempstead-Wright) is still dreaming that he's a dire wolf. He tells Maester Luwin (Donald Sumpter) about it and about the stories Old Nan used to tell him. Bran is convinced that they're more than just dreams but Maester Luwin tells him that he once believed in magic and tried to cast spells when he was younger, to no avail. Dragons and giants may have existed once, but they don't any more, he adds.

Finally we see Renly Baratheon (Gethin Anthony) again. Only this time, something's different: he's married. To his lover's sister, of all people. He and his new wife, Margaery Tyrell (Natalie Dormer), watch as Loras Tyrell (Finn Jones) duels with a much bigger warrior. Catelyn Stark arrives in time to see Loras yield to his opponent, who is revealed to be a woman: Brienne of Tarth (Gwendoline Christie). He grants her a wish and she asks to join his King's Guard, pledging her life to him. It's an unusual request from a woman but he grants it all the same. Catelyn is introduced and Renly promises to bring her Joffrey's head. Loras makes disparaging comments about Robb and his army which she dismisses. Renly escorts her to her accommodation, boasting about the size of his army. She is unimpressed, telling him that his army is one of summer: young and untested, especially for the coming winter.

Back on the Iron Islands, Theon has an awkward moment with his sister, Yara (Gemma Whelan) as he chastises her for not telling him who she was before he groped her. She replied that she wanted to see who he was first. Their father (Patrick Malahide) enters and tells them of his plans: while Robb Stark is engaged in the south, they will raid villages and towns across the northern coast before launching an invasion, taking the north and laying siege to the only fortress that he expects will put up any significant defence, Winterfell. Yara is put in charge of thirty ships and tasked with taking Deepwood Motte, the castle of House Glover, allied to House Stark. Theon is put in charge of a single ship and told to raid fishing villages on the Stony Shore. Outraged and offended, he tells father that it would be better to work with the north than risk being defeated again. Balon reminds him of their words, "We do not sow" and tells him that they do not ask, they take, adding that his time with the Starks has made him weak. Upset, Theon tells him that he did not volunteer to go, he was given away and is now being cursed for coming back. His father hits him and stalks off and his sister tells him to make his choice.

Shae (Sibel Kekilli) is bored. Tyrion keeps her hidden in his chambers from prying eyes. He tells her he needs to hide her from his sister and other prying eyes because she is his weak point. Meanwhile, Queen Cersei forces Sansa to make awkward small talk with her soon-to-be step-brother and step-sister Tommen (Callum Wharry) and Myrcella (Aimee Richardson). Back in her quarters she meets her new handmaiden, Shae. She's useless but Sansa has her brush her hair anyway. Tyrion, meanwhile, is weaving his web. He meets with Grand Maester Pycelle (Julian Glover), Petyr Baelish and Varys (Conleth Hill) in turn, telling each of them that he plans to marry off Myrcella Baratheon in order to forge alliances to help them in the war. He tells Pycelle that she will be married to Trystane of House Martell; he tells Baelish that she will be used as a means to mend their relationship with Lysa Arryn by marrying Robin Arryn and he tells Varys that she will be married to Theon Greyjoy to win the allegiance of the Iron Islands. He insists to all of them that the Queen must not know.

Back down south, Renly Baratheon is getting it on with a Tyrell. Not the one he should be, though. Loras tells him that he should be sleeping with his wife, not his lover so that he can put an end to the rumours about him and father an heir. Margaery takes Loras' place and the two try to get it on but Renly can't get it up. She's very understanding and offers to bring Loras in to get things started. Renly tries to act shocked but she tells him that he doesn't need to lie to her but he does need an heir, however it happens.

As expected, Queen Cersei has found out about Tyrion's plan and it was Grand Maester Pycelle who told her. She objects to his plans to send her off to House Martell but apparently that was Tyrion's plan all along. They need House Martell's allegiance to win the war and he tells her that Myrcella will not be safe in King's Landing if the war does not go their way.

Back on the Iron Islands, Theon has written a letter to Robb Stark telling him of his father's plans to invade the north. He hesitates over it before changing his mind and burning it. Outside, on the beach, he pledges himself to the Drowned God in front of his father and sister.

Having uncovered Tyrion's plot, Baelish tells him that he does not like being made a fool of. He asks to be left out of Tyrion's next plan but Tyrion has a plan for him anyway - he wants him to convince Catelyn Stark to release his brother Jaime. They are interrupted by Bronn (Jerome Flynn), who takes Tyrion to Pycelle's chambers. He confronts the Grand Maester about his deception, who insists that he only serves House Lannister. Tyrion has his beard cut off and asks if he poisoned Jon Arryn. Pycelle insists that he serves House Lannister but Tyrion has him hauled off to the dungeons all the same. Later, Tyrion meets with Varys who asks if he should be worried, noting that the Small Council is growing smaller every day. Tyrion replies that he will not go the same way as his predecessors. Varys poses him a riddle about power, saying that it resides where men believe it resides and adding that a small man can cast a very large shadow.

Finally, we catch up with Arya and the "recruits" for the Black Watch. Arya cannot sleep and Yoren (Francis Magee) tells him how he came to join the Black Watch, by killing the man who killed his brother. They are interrupted by men from the City Watch looking for Gendry. Yoren refuses to hand him over and fights against the overwhelming numbers, killing several before he is overpowered and killed. The recruits fight and flee but are quickly rounded up. One of them takes Needle from Arya and uses it to kill a young recruit with a crossbow bolt through his leg who demanded to be carried. The commander demands to know who Gendry is. Arya steps forward and tells them that the recruit who was just killed was Gendry, pointing out the bull's head helmet which the recruit had stolen in the panic.

I wondered last week if there were too many characters and storylines and this week we basically concentrate on just three characters: Tyrion, Theon and Renly, with brief glances at Jon Snow and Arya. I hope they haven't bitten off more than they can chew but, for now, it still works. This feels like the last episode before things really kick off - we've met the new characters, we've been re-introduced to all the old ones and the various usurpers and rebels have their armies assembled. It's the deep breath before the plunge and I hope that it isn't a false start. Another episode without major plot advancements and it's going to start wearing thin. But like I said, for now, it's still working. Tyrion's tightening his grip over King's Landing, Theon's loyalties are wavering and Renly seems to be able to raise armies more easily than he can his manhood when in the presence of his wife. I was sorry to see Yoren die, I liked him. I was also sorry to see Theon apparently abandon House Stark although I suspect that, as usual, all is not as it seems.

8 out of 10.

The Borgias 2.2 - Paolo

Pope Alexander VI may have been a blasphemous lecher who bribed his way to the papacy but he certainly cared about the ordinary people of Rome. Last week, he threw them a lavish celebration. This week, he deals with the pigeons. Yes, pigeons.

Paolo (Luke Pasqualino), the innocent young groom who fathered a child with Lucrezia, is on his way to Rome to see his newborn son. Somehow, I don't think he'll fit in. The Pope, meanwhile, is waking up in bed with Giulia and Vittoria (Jemima West). Vittoria scampers off and the Pope shamefully admits to Giulia that he can't remember how the three of them ended up in bed together. Giulia tells him that it was her idea, not his.

Cesare has tracked down Ursula (Ruta Gedmintas) again. He has generously commissioned a new fresco of Saint Cecilia for her abbey. She is the patron saint of music and he needs a suitably beautiful model. Ursula refuses but Cesare insists, tearing her hood off and telling the artist to "work around" her newly short hair. Cesare's acting like a real douchebag lately. Speaking of douchebags, Prince Alfonso has been tortured to death, meaning we won't have to hear his whiny, annoying voice any more. Hurray! Apparently he suffered greatly. Oh good.

Cardinal della Rovere meanwhile is also suffering. Terrified of being poisoned, he is hiding in a remote nunnery and refuses all food and drink offered to him. Instead, he asks for a monkey. He doesn't eat it, he gets it to taste his food for him.

The moment he arrives in Rome, Paolo is propositioned by a whore named Beatrice (Katie McGuinness). Realising that he's looking for an actual woman called Lucrezia and not just a whore willing to be called Lucrezia, she offers to help him look for his love. Her friends are not so helpful, mocking him when he tells them he's looking for Lucrezia Borgia. Taking him through the city, he is amazed that there is starvation and poverty in such a wealthy and important city.

His hangover dealt with, the Pope looks for Vittoria. Finding her working, he questions her about the city outside his "gilded cage". He asks for her assistance in a matter but is interrupted by Cardinal Sforza (Peter Sullivan), who wants to talk about the finances, blaming the recent celebrations for leaving them without any money. The Pope isn't amused, telling Sforza that he's in charge of the money and that he has only just started restoring the great city and improving the lives of the ordinary people of Rome. Sforza is clearly unconvinced, openly laughing at the Pope's plans to walk amongst the people.

At lunch, Juan mocks the "peasants" of Rome until his father tells him that peasants and noble men alike share a soul and that without his titles and fine clothes, Juan would be one of them too. That evening, the Pope, Giulia and Vittoria dress in humble robes and set out into the city. Making their way to the ruins of a Roman baths, the Pope is amazed that orphans live there, amongst rats and pigeons. He resolves that he will see to it that the charitable arm of the church will reach the orphans. Their next stop is a pub where the Pope puts Giulia in charge of going through the charitable accounts to make sure the money gets to where it is supposed to go and further declares that he will do something about the pigeons that infest the city.

The next morning, the Pope seeks out Cardinal Versucci (Vernon Dobtcheff). Lecturing the old man about the hypocrisy of him being in charge of charitable funds that do little to help the poor of Rome while at the same time building himself three new palaces, the Pope takes him to the archives. There, he tells him that Giulia has been put in charge of going through the charitable records. He protests but the Pope insists and the old man acquiesces, no matter how uncomfortable he is about working with a woman. His next step is to deal with the flocks of pigeons that plague the city. Cheering as a hawk catches one of them, he orders a battalion of the birds of prey.

Cardinal della Rovere is on the move. He is in the back of a donkey-drawn cart, whittling away happily and accompanied only by a nun when the two are confronted by a pair of thieves. Stabbing one in the neck with his sharpened stick, he throws the knife into the other's chest and they continue on their way. He's not bad with a knife for a half-starved man of the cloth. Cesare should have killed him when he had the chance...

On the steps of the Vatican, Beatrice plies her trade and Paolo looks for Lucrezia. When he spots her walking with Juan, he hides from view and follows them to a fountain. Juan wanders off as Lucrezia tosses a coin in and makes her wish. It is answered, fleetingly, as Paolo appears next to her. Juan doesn't react quite as well as Lucrezia, thinking him some random peasant and starts drowning him in the fountain. Lucrezia rescues him, telling him to say a prayer in forgiveness at the fountain at midnight. As reunions go, that wasn't exactly the best but Paolo didn't seem to mind, grinning from ear to ear as he tells Beatrice what happened.

The Pope has learnt of Prince Alfonso's death and asks Cesare to send his spies to Naples for any news of King Charles. Lucrezia, meanwhile, is preparing for her reunion with Paolo. As she sets off for the fountain, Juan watches her leave. Reuniting with Paolo, he tells her that he came to see his child, correctly guessing that they had a son. Watched by Beatrice and her friend Magdelena (Sarah Solemani), he asks to spend one night with her and their son. She relents and they make plans to meet up again the following night. Magdelena spies Juan and wanders over to him. Juan's not interested in her services but he is interested in what she has seen. He pays her for information and to spy on Paolo for him.

Lucrezia returns to the Vatican and finds Cesare waiting for her. He warns her that if Juan finds out, he will do more than just whip him, as Giovanni Sforza did. She remains steadfast in her desire to spend a single night with him and Cesare resolves to help her, telling her to go to their mother's house and leave the rest to him. The next night, Paolo is waiting at the fountain when Micheletto meets him. Paolo is surprised, having expected someone who looks fairer, to which Micheletto jokingly replies that he has killed people for saying less. Vannozza is pleased to see her granddaughter but is less enamoured with Lucrezia's plan, warning against it. Micheletto shows Paolo in and he reunites with Lucrezia and finally meets his son. Juan, meanwhile, is being shown portraits of Spanish noblewomen. His father, irritated by his drinking and his sullen attitude tells him to stop complaining and pick one to marry.

As Paolo and Lucrezia have sex, Micheletto finds Magdelena watching the bedroom window from the shadows outside. When she tells him that she's spying for someone, he points to Juan, stumbling towards the front door and asks if he is her employer. When she says yes, he promptly strangles her to death. Cesare meets his brother at the front door who tells him that their sister is fucking a common peasant and intends to tell their mother. Cesare tells him that their mother is sleeping and to come back when he isn't drunk. Lucrezia continues riding Paolo as their baby cries out. Juan overhears it but Cesare convinces him that the sound came from his doves and Juan leaves. Little do either of them know that the Pope's new hawks have made short work of the poor doves. As he leaves, Juan asks Cesare if he loves him. As I love myself, Cesare replies, but Juan is unconvinced.

The coast clear and their night together finished, Paolo makes his exit, telling Lucrezia that he would die for her. She tells him that she'd settle for him learning to write and writing letters to her. As the sun rises, Paolo makes his way through the streets of Rome, followed by two hooded figures. Noticing them, he quickens his pace. Breaking into a run, he barrels straight into two more of them, one of whom is of course Juan. Gleefully putting a noose around his neck, the men drag him off to lynch him. Micheletto, meanwhile, disposes of Magdelena's body in the river. The final moments of the episode are of Lucrezia rocking her baby gently in her arms as Paolo's lifeless body swings from a bridge.

I really liked this episode. Cesare, who had previously been the "good" brother turns into a real bastard this week. I can understand pining after Ursula but he treats her like shit. Well, at least he hasn't killed her yet. Juan's lynching of Paolo looks to be setting up a confrontation between the two brothers. I'm not really sad he's dead though, he was far too wet. Another character I'm glad to see the back of is Prince Alfonso. Good riddance! It's not all doom and gloom, however. The Pope's relationship with Giulia seems to be back on track and Vittoria is settling in nicely. I look forward to seeing more of her. The ominous way that Cardinal della Rovere seems to be plodding on and the ruthless way he dealt with the two thieves leads me to think that he's going to go after the Borgia family.

Sex, violence, death and pigeon massacres. What more could you ask for in an episode of The Borgias? Oh, and Holliday Grainger may have a strange name but she has very nice boobs.

8 out of 10.