Just as Theon has the last of Winterfell's ravens killed, Yara (Gemma Whelan) and ten of her men come galloping through the gates. So, only slightly fewer than the five hundred Theon asked for. He boasts about his success and she asks whether Bran or Rickon put up the most fight. Theon defends himself, saying that they betrayed him but she mocks him, calling him a dumb cunt for killing the only two Starks in Winterfell. He asks why she has brought so few men and she replies that she has come to bring him home. Flabbergasted, he asks why. Because Winterfell is hundreds of miles from the sea and everyone in the North hates you, she replies. Theon refuses, saying that he will not leave Winterfell. She sends her men away and asks him to come home, not to die alone. Theon refuses to leave, insisting that he will not die here. She tells him a story about how he used to cry all the time as a baby until she looked down into his crib and he just stopped, smiling at her. "Don't die so far from the sea", she tells him.
North of The Wall, Ygritte (Rose Leslie) takes Jon, now her prisoner, back to her camp. There, she gives him to the Lord of Bones (Edward Dogliani) who already has a captured ranger: Qhorin (Simon Armstrong). Oops. Oh well, at least Jon will have some company. Explaining that he already has one ranger and doesn't need another, the Lord of Bones wants Jon killed. Until Ygritte mentions that he's Ned Stark's bastard, that is. She promises the Lord of Bones that if Jon tries to run, she'll cut his balls off herself, then tells Jon that they're even. The other rangers are indeed dead and Jon remarks that it's all his fault. Qhorin tells him to make sure they didn't die for nothing.
Robb and Talisa (Oona Chaplin) are walking back from The Crag, talking about the woman he is betrothed to. Robb doesn't even know her name and she teases him, asking if the bridge he intends to marry her for was worth it. Talk turns to his father and he tells her that Ned told him that being a Lord is like being a father, with thousands of "children" to protect and that he woke up every morning afraid. Robb asked him how can a brave man be afraid and his father told him that it's the only time a man can be brave. He didn't care about gold or glory, Robb remarks. Talisa asks him if he does and he tells her that he wants to go home but that they won't be safe until the Lannisters are defeated. A rider arrives, bringing news that Jaime Lannister has escaped. What, again? Yes, again. Robb goes to his mother's tent and asks her what happened. She set him free, doing it for the girls, telling Robb that he is the only one of her five children who is free. Richard Karstark (John Stahl) tells her that he has lost two sons to the Lannisters and that she has stolen his vengeance. You've been played for a fool, Robb tells her. He posts guards at her tent and orders more men sent after Jaime.
Brienne (Gwendoline Christie) has escaped with Jaime (Nikolaj Coster-Waldau) to a river. He insults her as she takes him down to the riverbank and asks her why she hates him so much. Because you harm those you swear to protect, she replies. Jaime is amused, trying to goad her by telling her that there are only three people in Westeros who might have a chance against him in a fair right, and she is not one of them. They climb into a boat and she tells him that maybe one day they'll find out.
At his war council, Tywin's (Charles Dance) brother, Kevan (Ian Gelder) tells him that Stannis' men will take King's Landing within a day of landing and that the Court still have time to flee. Tywin refuses to hear it. Robb Stark, meanwhile, is too close to Casterly Rock for comfort. Tywin resolves to meet Robb in the field, telling his advisers that they will set off at nightfall. He leaves Gregor Clegane (Conan Stevens) in charge of Harrenhal and tells Arya to stay and serve him. Arya goes looking for Jaqen, but can't find him. Tywin rides off as she does so and she looks fearful.
Marching in single file with their captors, Qhorin tells Jon that if he could infiltrate Mance's army, he could provide them with invaluable intelligence. Jon replies that they won't trust him and Qhorin raises his voice, blaming Jon for the other rangers' deaths. He hits Jon and he goes rolling down the side of the hill. Ygritte looks down at him and you can tell that she knows what's going on.
Tyrion and Bronn (Jerome Flynn) are quarrelling as Tyrion reads piles of books on sieges and the defence of castles. Varys (Conleth Hill) enters and compliments them for the reduction in stealing. Tyrion asks Bronn how he achieved it. By rounding up all the known thieves, he replies. He tells them that during a siege, most people aren't killed by the enemy but by starvation. When a siege starts, food become more valuable than money and people turn to cannibalism. Thieves steal all the food as soon as the siege begins and become the richest men in the city. Unrolling a map of King's Landing, Tyrion points to Mud Gate as the weak point in the defences. They don't have enough men to hold it, Bronn points out. Varys asks what they do have. "Pig shit", Tyrion replies.
Samwell (John Bradley-West) and the others are still at the Fist of the First Men. Digging a hole for the latrines, he refuses to believe the others when they say that Jon is dead. Grenn (Mark Stanley) discovers a stone tablet, buried in the snow. They flip it over and pull out something wrapped in a Night's Watch cloak. It's a cache of weapons made from dragonglass.
Arya is still in Harrenhal when Jaqen (Tom Wlaschiha) finds her out. He asks her for the final name and she regrets not asking for Tywin's name sooner. He tells her that he cannot kill him now and asks for another name. She gives Jaqen his own name, telling him to go and kill himself. He asks to be "un-named" and she tells him that she will un-name him in return for helping her and her friends escape. He tells her that it would require more than one death and is not possible. She names him again and he tells her that she lacks honour. She shrugs and he agrees, telling her to walk through the gate at midnight.
Tyrion and Queen Cersei have just finished eating. She tells him that Joffrey plans on fighting and he calls it inspirational. His place is not on the battlefield, Cersei says. And it's not on the throne, either, Tyrion replies. She asks if he wants to see Joffrey die and he tells her that he will be well protected and the men will fight harder if he is amongst them. She tells him why Varys is so dangerous - because he has no cock. Smiling, she tells him that she has his whore and teases him about her, telling him that he should not have given her a big obvious necklace with a Lannister lion on it. I think I know what's coming next... She asks him if he loves her and tells him that she will suffer every wound that Joffrey suffers. The door opens and in comes... Ros (Esme Bianco). Ha! Knew it. Tyrion goes to her, apologising to her and telling her to be brave. He promises to free her and she tells him not to forget her. She is taken away and Tyrion promises his sister that he will hurt her for what she has done. Running back to his room, he finds Shae (Sibel Kekilli) still there. He tells her that they need to be careful and that he would kill for her, making her promise that she is his. She does and they kiss.
In Robb's tent, Roose Bolton (Michael McElhatton) tells him that there is still no news from Winterfell but that his bastard is only a few days away. Robb tells him to send instruction that any Ironborn who surrenders will be allowed to return home. Any Ironborn except for Theon, that is. Talisa enters and Roose excuses himself. She asks how he is and he rattles off his family's misfortunes, apologising for being rude to her, saying that it's not the kind of King he wants to be. She asks what kind he wants to be. "I don't know. The good kind?" he replies. He was raised to be Lord of Winterfell, not King. He asks her how she came to be a healer. She tells him that in Volantis when she was younger, she went swimming in the river with her little brother. Missing him in the crowds, her brother drowned. She dragged him back onto shore and a slave ran over. Pushing her away, a crime punishable by death, he performed CPR on her brother and he came round, spitting out water as he did. She decided that day that she would do something worthwhile with her life and that she would not live in a slave city again. She apologises for going on and he tells her that he does not want to marry the Frey girl. She tells him that she doesn't want him to marry her either and they kiss. Pulling their clothes off, they fall onto the floor together.
In Harrenhal, Arya, Gendry (Joe Dempsie) and Hot Pie (Ben Hawkey) are waiting, watching the gates. The guards are still on the gate and Arya tells them that they must trust Jaqen. Getting up, she walks into view of the gate and marches towards it. The others follow her and they see that the guards are dead, propped up to look alive.
Stannis Baratheon (Stephen Dillane) is on board his ship with Davos Seaworth (Liam Cunningham). Stannis recalls the nickname that some call Davos by, "Onion Knight", and that he then took the onion for his sigil. Stannis asks why he defends those who mock him and reminds him of the Siege of Storm's End, when he held the castle with five hundred men whilst his brother and Ned Stark won all the glory. After the war was over, who was given Storm's End? Renly. When the siege was at its worst, Davos made his way through the blockade with a ship full of onions and potatoes. Stannis says that he has always done his duty - first holding Storm's End, then giving it up. He promises Davos that when he takes the Iron Throne, he will name him Hand.
Joffrey is touring the defences, telling Varys and Tyrion that with the Starks distracted by the events in the North, now is the time to strike. Tyrion reminds him that Stannis is sailing their way and Joffrey replies that he will ride out to meet him and cut him down himself. Joffrey walks off and Tyrion and Joffrey try to imagine Stannis' terror at the thought of Joffrey challenging him to a duel. Tyrion tells how when his brother became the youngest ever member of the King's Guard and his sister became Queen, he was put in charge of the drains in Casterly Rock. He says that he never expected to have any real power and Varys tells him that he is a good Hand because he enjoys playing the game. Varys then says that he has heard news from Qarth - Daenerys Targaryen lives and has three dragons. It will be years before they are grown, but when they are, there will be nowhere to hide. "One game at a time, my friend", Tyrion replies.
Speaking of Daenerys, she and Jorah are hiding from Xaro and Pyat's spies. He tells her that he has found a ship with a good captain. She refuses to leave without her dragons and when he tells her that her dragons are not her children, she tells him to go without her. He refuses, telling her that he would die for her. She tells him to take her to the House of the Undying but he warns that if she did, the warlocks would never allow her to leave. "What of my magic?" she asks, reminding him of how her dragons were hatched in the first place. Jorah replies that he will remember that moment until he dies. Stroking his face, she tells him that they are the only children she will ever have and asks him to take her to them. He nods silently.
Theon tells Dagmer (Ralph Ineson) to bury the bodies on display. Maester Luwin (Donald Sumpter), walking past, sees Osha (Natalia Tena) sneaking down into the crypts with loaves of bread. He goes down to see her. She explains that the doubled-back on themselves, with Winterfell being the last place they would look for them. She asks who the burned bodies belong to and he tells her that they must be the farm hands, burned and passed off as Bran and Rickon but tells her that the boys must not know or Bran will blame himself. They've suffered enough, Osha agrees. Bran (Isaac Hempstead-Wright) is awake and has heard everything they said.
Only two to go now and next week's episode sees the battle we've been waiting for all series finally kick off. Until then, there are twists and turns that must be followed and plots that must be laid. First of all, it was obvious that Bran and Rickon weren't dead. If they hadn't shown Bran giving the man two farmhands or mentioned them, maybe it would have been more convincing. Ah well, it's not important. Jaime Lannister's release will be important though. Will he make it back to King's Landing in time? Probably not but you never know. Jon's in a fine mess north of The Wall but he'll probably manage to ingratiate himself into Mance's inner circle somehow. Oh, and now that Robb and Talisa have finally acted on their sexual tension, how about Jon and Ygritte keep each other warm? What will Samwell do with the dragonglass? And I knew Arya wouldn't try and kill Tywin but where are they going to go now? It was nice to see Bronn back again, his speech about thieves in sieges was good and he's got to be one of my favourite characters. Doubtless to say, he'll probably go and die next week now. I have no idea what Tyrion was on about when he suggested defending the walls with pig shit, though. He must have been referring to the wildfire. Particular highlights from this episode were Tyrion and Cersei plotting right in front of each other and Tyrion and Varys talking on the walls of the castle. Talisa's story of how she came to want to leave Volantis was also a good scene and Oona Chaplin (grand-daughter of Charlie Chaplin) was very good this week.
I try looking for faults every week, I really do, but once again I just can't find one. Well, a slight complaint would be that once again Daenerys is barely on screen, although I suppose that depends on how prominently she's featured in the book. Now that Tywin has ridden off to meet Robb in battle and Arya has escaped, I'm guessing that we won't get to see any more of their wonderful scenes together, which is a shame. Otherwise, damn close to perfect.
9 out of 10.
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