Juan is back! Yay! He returns to the Vatican to much fanfare and applause (and not just from me). He has brought with him gifts. For his sister, a black panther in a cage, which gives her hand a little nip. For his father, a box of cigars, which his father assumes are "turds". Also with Juan is Hernando De Caballos (Robert Cavanah), a conquistador and veteran of the Siege of Granada.
In Florence, the gang of young boys from the previous episode has grown larger and more annoying. They now travel round the city, signing and demanding that people give up their riches to them. From a balcony, Cesare and Niccolo Machiavelli (Julian Bleach) watch on.
Juan has coaxed his father into picking up one of the "turds" and tells him to put it into his mouth. "What, all of it?", his father asks. To titters from the gathered people, he puts one end into his mouth and Juan lights it. I was in stitches.
Later that evening, the Pope and Juan are talking by the fireplace. His wife is pregnant and he refuses wine, asking instead for water. Has Juan gone soft on us? Turning to business, the Pope tells Juan to take command of the Papal army and compel Caterina Sforza to come to Rome, by force, if necessary.
Cardinal della Rovere is talking to his friar friend (Roger Lloyd-Pack) over a bowl of gruel. They discuss with pleasure the actions of friar Savonarola in Florence and the possibility that the Pope could sentence him to death for heresy. Cardinal della Rovere insists that Savonarola tone down his rhetoric, needing him far more on Earth than in the afterlife. His friar friend tells him that they must get word to him that their plot to assassinate the Pope is proceeding at all speed.
Lucrezia pops in on her father to tell him that she's meeting with a suitor, Calvino Pallavicini of Genoa. He tells her to follow Juan's lead and marry well. He is smoking another cigar and she asks him if it's a turd. "No", he replies angrily. "Smells like one", she replies.
Juan pays a visit to a doctor (Richard Durden). Suffering from a venereal disease, he is prescribed mercury and a good old fashioned urethra scraping. As the doctor describes how his instrument will scrape clear puss and discharge, Juan looks like he's about to faint. The doctor gives him something to bite on and starts inserting his instrument into Juan's urethra. Lovely.
Friar Savonarola (Steven Berkoff) is preaching in his church, praising the boys who run around seizing people's possessions. Micheletto watches on, leaving to join Cesare and Machiavelli outside. They are stood by a massive pile of "vanities" - furniture, artwork, books and other "riches" that are to be burned. Micheletto reports back that Savonarola is defying the order not to preach.
At Forli, Juan arrives at the castle gates with the Papal army. Her men rush to the battlements and bar the gate as the Papal soldiers form up just beyond the edge of a forest that borders the castle grounds. Hernando, accompanying Juan, tells him to meet with Caterina and present his terms.
Lucrezia meets with Calvino Pallavicini (David Alpay) and his brother Raffaello (Tom Austen) again. Well, the Pope meets with them; she is late. She finally arrives, bringing her caged black panther with her. She greets them, presents her black panther to them as a gift, then promptly leaves, irritating her father no end.
At Forli, delegations from both sides ride out to meet each other. Juan tells Caterina (Gina McKee) that she is to accompany him to Rome or else he shall take her castle by force. Telling Juan that his father is a hamster and his mother smells of elderberries, she refuses. As her delegation returns, a Papal archer shoots her son Benito's (Noah Silver) horse from underneath him. He is grabbed by Papal soldiers and carried back to their lines. Looking on in anguish, Caterina returns to her castle.
Juan has Benito tied up in his tent, asking the boy how old he is and how much his mother loves him. He tells him that he will be tortured, not for information, but so that Caterina can see him suffer.
In Rome, Lucrezia has her nanny (Helen Bradbury) follow Raffaello Pallavicini and report back on his movements. Apparently, he likes to paint and draw and eat apples. She reports that he met no-one and Lucrezia decides that she will take up painting, giving her nanny money to buy paint and brushes.
At Forli, Caterina Sforza is not worried about the siege. Ludovico Sforza has been alerted and is on the way with an army to break the siege. Before her eyes, Benito is brought out and tied up to a torture device. At Juan's urging, he begs his mother to help him. She demands he be released but Juan tells her that only when she goes to Rome and pledges allegiance to the Pope will her son be released ("dead", he adds to Benito). Hernando is uncomfortable with the torture of a boy and Juan tells him that if he doesn't like it, he can return to Spain.
In Florence, the boys draw closer to Machiavelli's house. Machiavelli tells Cesare that Juan and the Papal army have laid siege to Forli but that Ludovico Sforza is on his way to help Caterina. Blimey, news travels fast in 16th century Italy, doesn't it? Cesare asks if a rider could reach Forli in time and Machiavelli replies that it depends how fast the rider travels. Resolving that his duty lies in Florence and that his brother can take care of himself, Cesare decides not to leave. The boys begin knocking on the house's door, demanding they hand over their riches.
At a waterside ruins in Rome, Raffaello notices Lucrezia. They talk about painting and her love of poetry. Raffaello asks her if she will marry his brother. She asks if he would make a good husband and he replies that he is an honourable man. "That is not love, is it?" asks Lucrezia. Nope. Gazing at each other soppily, they kiss.
As the gang of boys start drawing marks on his door, Machiavelli opens it. They demand his "vanities" - gold, silver, trinkets, books. Books are hardly vanities, are they? Still, nothing beats a good book burning eh? Machiavelli tells them he has nothing but his intellect. They ask him if he would rather go to heaven or hell. Hell is this place, he replies. Then, they tell him to hand over vanities or they will break his windows. Having an idea, he gets them a vanity - a stuffed owl, and promptly closes the door in their faces.
The torture of Benito doesn't seem to be working. Caterina declares to her general that if her son dies, so be it. Juan rides back up to Benito and starts boasting again. She directs a crossbowman to kill him. The man lines up his shot and take sit, succeeding only in hitting Juan in the thigh. Furious, Juan cuts off one of Benito's fingers in reply.
Vannozza pays her daughter a visit, asking her why she is defying her father. Lucrezia objects to being traded like a cattle at market and Vannozza correctly surmises that she likes Raffaello. She warns her that her father will never agree to it but Lucrezia asks why not. "Why not indeed", her mother replies.
Evening draws in Florence and the burning is about to begin. Machiavelli laments that a painting by Botticelli is among the items to be burned. Friar Savonarola arrives and starts the fire. Savonarola sneaks up behind Cesare, calling the burning a "bonfire of the vanities" and warning him not to get too close. He and Machiavelli walk off but Micheletto lingers, eyeballing the friar.
Cardinal della Rovere is apparently not finished poisoning Antonello (Jesse Bostwick). He gives him a seventh dose and Antonello reveals that when he takes the poison, he passes over to the other side and then returns. Della Rovere asks him if he sees anything. "Just darkness and shadows", he replies.
The Pope is not enthused about Lucrezia's falling in love with Raffaello, telling her that she is marrying for her family as well as herself. Lucrezia apparently gives up, telling her father to sell her to the highest bidder.
At Forli, Benito is about to be hanged. Juan demands an answer from Caterina and she refuses to yield. Meanwhile, Ludovico Sforza's men draw closer. Asking if that is her final answer, Caterina draws up her skirts and flashes herself to Juan, telling him that she has the means to produce ten more sons, who will hunt down and kill Juan. As Juan prepares to give the order to kill Benito, Ludovico Sforza (Ivan Kaye) and his army strike. With their miniature cannons, they tear the Papal army to ribbons. Juan orders Benito killed but Hernando saves the boy. Juan rides off as his army is massacred. Just as he looks to be escaping, his horse is killed by a cannonball and he flees through the forest on foot.
Juan finally returns! He had appeared to have mellowed out somewhat. At least until he took a fifteen-year-old boy hostage and tortured him, that is. The Forli storyline aside, the episode was quite dull. Nothing really happened in Florence and the Pope's hilarious introduction to cigars and Juan's trip to the doctor aside, nothing much happened in Rome, either. Lucrezia has found another ill-fated lover but it'll only be a matter of time until Juan kills him. If he doesn't end up being captured by the Sforzas, that is. Someone else who may end up dying soon is Friar Savonarola. If the Pope doesn't burn him at the stake, Micheletto will burn him to death with that glare he gave him! Cardinal della Rovere continues swanning about
A fairly average episode raised just above such a level by the two great scenes early on in Rome and Juan's most welcome return.
7 out of 10.
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