I was so excited when this film came out in 2003. Vampire Kate Beckinsale in a skin-tight leather outfit fighting werewolves... how could it suck!?! Well, it did. Badly. The second one was even worse and I've never seen the third one (I started to watch it a couple of years ago but I was too tired so I turned it off and went to bed). But, with the fourth one recently released on DVD, I decided to watch and review them one at a time. Up first, well, the first one.
Vampires and werewolves (or lycans, as they're known in the series) have been at war for centuries but now the vampires are seemingly on the verge of victory. The "Death Dealers", vampiric assassins, are hunting the last few werewolves down and Selene (Kate Beckinsale) is among their number. When the werewolves' leader, Lucian (Michael Sheen), takes an unusual interest in a human (Scott Speedman), Selene grows suspicious and defies the leader of her coven, Kraven (Shane Brolly), by awakening her creator, the vampire elder Viktor (Bill Nighy). Once the human's importance is revealed, the two sides are drawn into a confrontation that could change them forever.
I may have been a teenager back then but I could probably have written a better film myself. The first major flaw with the film is the fact that the vampires are massive pussies. I mean huge, wimpy, pathetic pussies. The werewolves are massive, muscular beasts and the vampires just hiss a lot. Whenever there's a one-on-one between some vampire and some werewolf, the vampire gets eaten. Probably the best example of this is towards the end of the film when a vampire and a werewolf square off in a partially flooded room. The werewolf changes and the vampire gets out his weapon: a pair of pathetic-looking whips. I mean, what was he going to do, tickle the werewolf to death? Well, no. One of them gets stuck and he gets eaten. Serves him right. This brings me to the second major flaw: the weapons. The film was billed as "vampires vs werewolves". A more accurate description would have been "people with guns shoot each other (oh, and they just happen to be vampires and werewolves)". It's a huge disappointment. These two classic horror species face off and the best they can do is fire guns at each other. Lame. The final battle ends up just being a load of people shooting at each other. The third major problem is the acting. Shane Brolly, who plays the vampire Kraven, has all the acting ability of a slightly damp umbrella and he ruins every scene he's in. Kate Beckinsale's not bad, although to be fair she just has to pout a lot and look good in a catsuit. Scott Speedman has essentially disappeared since starring in the first two Underworld films and based on his performance here it's not hard to see why. Bill Nighy overacts to compensate for almost everyone around him being useless. Michael Sheen isn't bad either but as a centuries-old werewolf leader he's just not convincing. Sophia Myles is beautiful but doesn't have enough to do in a role that should have been expanded. Everyone else either hams it up (Erwin Leder, I'm looking at you) or is just plain awful. Oh, and Kevin Grevioux has a really weird voice. He's a massive 6'2" werewolf and he sounds like somebody kicked him in the balls.
Anyway, flaws to one side, the film does actually have some positives. The backstory is incredibly detailed and very well worked out. The story of how the two sides came to be at war is also nicely done and a pleasant surprise. It also looks suitably dark and gothic. Ultimately though, good backstory and nice scenery mean naught when the plot's not good enough and the acting stinks. Oh, and at two hours and thirteen minutes, it's much too long.
Depressingly disappointing. A waste of a good idea and badly acted to boot.
4 out of 10.
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