Picking up almost exactly where we left off last week, the Pope is congratulating Vittoria (Jemima West) on her fine work constructing the fake cannons and Cesare is looking pretty smug. Until Micheletto arrives that is. Cesare excuses himself and Micheletto tells him that in going around Rome, the French have come across the convent of St. Cecilia. "Bad news?", Cesare asks. My dear Cesare, when has Micheletto ever delivered you good news?! The two ride off to the convent and find it in flames. I think we know what's coming. The inside of the building looks like it's been hit with a bomb and Micheletto warns his master to spare himself what he is about to see but Cesare insists on going in. There, lying on the floor is Ursula (Ruta Gedmintas). I am reminded of Lucrezia's line from the previous episode, when she discovered Paulo's dead body - her "only crime was loving a Borgia". Cesare strokes her face sadly and tells Micheletto that her death has released him of his love for her and of his feelings. Except for one: vengeance. The perpetrators were apparently French scouts. Cesare covers Ursula's body with his cloak and vows revenge, asking Micheletto to round up a dozen savage warriors from the streets of Rome.
Word of Cesare's beautiful deception has reached the Vice Chancellor's ears, who has brought a proposal to the Pope from his cousin, Ludovico Sforza, the Duke of Milan. The Duke has been approached by the Doge of Venice and the Duke of Mantua about forming a League to expel the French from Italy once and for all. Cesare is unconvinced, reminding them that the Duke of Milan allowed the French passage through his country and that Caterina Sforza rides with the King of France. Cardinal Sforza says that Caterina has returned home and the Pope seems willing to forgive them... for now.
Micheletto has rounded up his men. Hilariously, it seems that the only criteria is that they have long hair and unkempt beards like he does. He takes the mercenaries to meet Cesare who delivers his proposal to them: hunt down and take their revenge on the French scouts who are busy raping and pillaging their way through Italy.
Meanwhile, the Pope receives Ludovico Sforza (Ivan Kaye), Francesco Gonzaga, the Duke of Mantua (Patrick O'Kane) and his new wife, Bianca Gonzaga (Melia Kreiling). Oh, and it turns out that she's the same Bianca the Pope spent time in the bath with at the start of the series. Well, this could get awkward... Fortunately, Cesare returns in time to have a pop at Ludovico Sforza as he gives his grand speech about ridding Italy of the French plague. They have an army of 20,000 men and want the Pope to give his blessing to them. Cesare is amused by their claims to want to restore Italian honour and, as he converses with his father in private later, he does not see why they should work with their foes. His father explains that neither the League nor the French is capable of beating the other. Instead, they will beat each other into submission, leaving them all severely weakened and that is exactly the outcome they want. His father quips that it's surely worth a weekend in Tuscany, and Cesare smiles.
Micheletto takes Cesare's new recruits to see him again. He presents the men with a series of vicious light weapons and tells them that there are honourable ways to fight... and then there is another way.
The Pope is being fitted for some new robes ahead of his trip north and Giulia teases him before asking his permission to deepen her investigations into the church's finances, which he gives.
Cesare's men are camped out in a small village, awaiting the French scouts. When word comes that they are less than ten miles away, they set about readying themselves. The French scouts thunder into the village on horseback. Finding the place empty and no-one to rape or murder, they set about feasting and drinking instead. As they gorge themselves, Cesare (sporting a very silly masquerade mask) gives the signal and his men move into action. What follows is probably the silliest battle scene I've seen in quite a while. The weapons look fake and the whole thing is over in twenty seconds when Cesare calls for restraint, asking for them to be taken alive so they have a tale to tell. Needless to say, his men don't look happy. Neither did I.
Giulia and Lucrezia return to the Roman bath house filled with orphans from the episode before last. Same problem: no money and the orphanage is full. Now ladies, what are you going to do about it? Well, they're going to turn the water back on. But first, they need Vannozza's help. She's a little surprised they decided to come to her for advice but she helps them nonetheless, advising them to visit the brothels if they wish to catch out the offending cardinals.
The surviving French scouts are confined to a dungeon, shackled to the ceiling and attached to various instruments of torture. Cesare questions them, asking if any of them were at St. Cecilia's convent. Promising them weeks of torture at Micheletto's hands, one of them cracks under Micheletto's vicious nipple twisting and points the finger (not literally) at one of his comrades, revealing that Giovanni Sforza advised they attack the convent as it was under Cesare's patronage. Promising them freedom, or, at least, a quick death, if they give him valuable information on the French army, Cesare leaves them in Micheletto's capable hands.
Returning to his father's chambers, Cesare is questioned about his extra-ecclesiastical activities. Apparently word has reached Rome about his band of merry men. The Pope offers his son advice on vengeance, basically telling him that it's best served cold. Cesare asks his father who will be left in charge in his absence. Certainly not the Vice Chancellor, whom the Pope trusts about as far as one of the fake cannons could fire him. Nor will Cesare get the job, as both men are to accompany him. It falls instead to Lucrezia.
As she prepares to greet the College of Cardinals, she questions Cesare about his band of stray dogs. He refuses to tell her anything and she tells him that she will save him somehow. The cardinals enter and are not pleased about the idea of being ruled over by a woman. Cardinal Versucci (Vernon Dobtcheff) asks if a woman can occupy the chair of Saint Peter. "Clearly one does", the Pope replies, gesturing to Lucrezia, who lounges in said chair.
Cesare is called back to the dungeons where Micheletto has managed to extract some rather interesting information from one of the scouts. It turns out that the French keep their gunpowder disguised as barrels of fruit. Cesare orders Micheletto to release the man and release him he does, slowly embracing the man and driving a dagger into his stomach, listening to his last breath as it escapes his body.
The Pope leaves Rome in a gilded carriage, blessing the people as he goes. Hidden amongst the well-wishers are Cardinal della Rovere and his friar friend (Roger Lloyd-Pack). The two are disgusted that he has left his daughter in charge and resolve to head to Florence to meet friar Savonarola. Meanwhile, Lucrezia has decided to give the cardinals a lesson in how to make a cake. As she shows them how to separate the good wheat from the chaff, one of the cardinals correctly guesses that there is a metaphor at play. She tells them that the charitable arm of the church acts like a sieve, leaving the poor with only the chaff. The missing element from the cake? Water. And just like that, the water at the bath house comes back on. Great, now all those poor, starving, orphans can drown.
On the way to meet the League, the Pope is halted. King Charles is in a church nearby and wants to see the Pope, alone. That evening, still sick from the fever, the King asks the Pope to avert the upcoming battle. The Pope asks him to donate his spoils of war to the Church but the King won't fall for his tricks again. Backed into a corner, King Charles promises to annihilate the League's army with his cannons and drag the Pope back to France in chains. Thunder rumbles ominously and the Pope promises to convey his message to the League, asking if the King can light his cannons in the rain. The King scoffs and tells him that he knows how to keep powder dry but the Pope hits back that God knows how to make rain.
The Dukes of Milan and Mantua are finalising their battle plans in their tent when the Pope returns, delivering the King's message of carnage if his passage home is halted. Francesco Gonzaga is resolute: they will attack the French and he asks that the Pope hear his last confession in the morning before blessing the troops and retiring to the Duke's castle before the battle begins. The Pope agrees and hears Francesco's last confession. He asks the Pope to bless the battle. The Pope replies that the church recognises that some wars are just but his reasons for war - restoring valour and taking back the French spoils - are not just reasons. In return for the Church's blessing, he asks that the spoils of war all go to the Church, noting that God's blessing comes with a price. Francesco reluctantly agrees. The Pope proceeds to bless the League's army, delivering the trinitarian formula regiment by regiment.
The papal delegation retires to Francesco's castle, where they are greeted by Bianca. They make awkward small talk and retire to eat, the Pope praying for the League's army and for rain. That night, Cesare puts his silly mask back on and rides off to meet up with his men. The Pope, meanwhile, is disturbed by Bianca, who declares that they have unfinished business. He protests unconvincingly as she undresses and the two fall into bed together. Cesare has moved his men into position behind the French lines. They kill the French guards as Bianca climbs on top of the Pope. Opening the barrels, they set a trail of powder to the wagons and light them. I assumed they would explode as the Pope and Bianca reached climax but the writers aren't that tacky.
The Pope wakes the next morning, opening the windows to the sight of torrential rain. When the rain stops, he ventures out onto the battlefield, casting his eye over the dead and the re-taking of French spoils of war. Francesco has survived the battle and lies injured on a surgeon's table. He is delighted that their valour has been restored but when the Pope mentions the thunder he heard the night previously, he corrects him. There was no thunder, just the explosions from the French gunpowder that was sabotaged by some brave Roman men. The Pope is bewildered but Francesco declares himself in Rome's debt and pledges all of the captured spoils will go to the Church. Meanwhile, the remnants of the French army is in retreat. King Charles is in his carriage, being tended to by his doctor. Half of his army is dead and the other half blames him for the defeat. Cesare visits his father in his tent and, asked about the events of the previous night, he simply says that his night was as satisfactory as his father's.
A bit of a mixed bag, this episode. Jeremy Irons is on top form but the supporting plotlines let him down somewhat. Lucrezia and Giulia's plan to turn the water in the baths back on is quite silly but even that pales in comparison to Cesare's pack of stray dogs. It has only been one episode but the series already misses Juan. With him gone, there's no tension in the family any longer and unless something changes, he needs to come back. It's a pity that the only battle scene we get to see is an incredibly lame one. Really, it's absolutely laughable. I had to rewind it to make sure I hadn't accidentally skipped a couple of minutes. In contrast to that, the best scene is the Pope's morning blessing of the League's army. The sight of the men falling onto one knee as he blesses them is really well done. Oh, and it was nice to see more of Bianca too. Where now for The Borgias? Well, with King Charles having buggered off back to France, Cardinal della Rovere will resume his role as the main bad guy. Or is he the good guy? Depends on how you look at it, I guess.
A fairly good episode. Lacking somewhat in the first half, it picks up a bit towards the end. Still, probably the weakest episode of The Borgias so far.
6 out of 10.
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