I've been critical of Game of Thrones recently for essentially remaining in a holding pattern - doing nothing to advance the story and focusing on too few characters. Well, all that changes this week!
Two soldiers are guarding some horses in the dead of night in the driving rain, joking and trying to spook each other when Robb's dire wolf Grey Wind leaps out of the shadows and the men of the north launch an attack. Morning comes and Robb has won another victory against the Lannisters, inflicting five casualties for every one of their own. Roose Bolton (Michael McElhatton), one of Robb's bannermen, says they do not have the forces to hold all the prisoners they have captured, let alone feed them all. Robb refuses to execute them and when Roose suggests they torture them for information, Robb will not do it, for fear of something happening to his Sansa and Arya. A Lannister soldier struggles as a woman tries to amputate his leg and Robb lends a hand. She is Talisa (Oona Chaplin) and despite her aversion to the war and her amusement that he has no idea what will happen after he kills Joffrey, Robb seems quite intrigued by her.
Word of the Lannister defeat has reached King's Landing. Joffrey, being the wise and fair ruler that he is, has decided to threaten Sansa. She cowers on her knees as he aims a crossbow at her and Lancel Lannister (Eugene Simon) propagandises about the cannibalistic northerners. Joffrey begrudgingly admits that although killing Sansa would send a message, his mother wants her kept alive. He settles instead for having Meryn Trant (Ian Beattie) tear at her clothes and beat her. Fortunately, Tyrion and Bronn (Jerome Flynn) enter the Throne Room. Bronn gives Sansa a cloak as Tyrion tears his nephew a new one. When Joffrey protests that as King, he can do as he like, Tyrion reminds him that the Mad King did as he pleased too. Helping her to her feet, Tyrion leads her away, asking her if she wants the engagement to end. Sansa replies that she loves Joffrey and is committed to him. Tyrion, half-pittyingly, half-impressed, notes that she may survive yet. Bronn, spot-on as usual suggests that Joffrey is "backed up" and could use a woman's touch. Tyrion wonders if that'll really help and Bronn gets the best line of the episode, nothing that "There's no cure for being a cunt" but that it can't hurt. Joffrey returns to his chambers to find Ros (Esme Bianco) and Daisy (Maisie Dee) waiting for him. He has Ros spank Daisy, then beat her with his belt. Loading his crossbow, he hands Ros a sceptre and has her beat Daisy with it, telling them to go to Tyrion and show him what happened.
Renly Baratheon (Gethin Anthony) has an unexpected visitor: Petyr Baelish. Renly dislikes the slimy Baelish and tells him to be quick. Baelish's words are intriguing - he tells Renly that his siege of King's Landing could last a year; or, he could arrive to find open gates. We'd love to know exactly what he's on about but of course we don't. That evening, Baelish and Margaery Tyrell (Natalie Dormer) walk through the camp. He teases her about Renly's homosexuality and remarks that although Renly has the greater numbers, that is not decisive. If it were, mathematicians would rule the world.
Daenerys finally gets some good news! One of the three riders returns, on a brand new horse, telling her that it was given to him by the Thirteen, the Elders of the city-state of Qarth, who would be honoured to greet the Mother of Dragons. She asks Jorah for advice and he tells her that the land outside Qarth is called the Garden of Bones, for when they shut their doors on a traveller, the garden grows.
Arya, Gendry (Joe Dempsie) and the other prisoners arrive at Harrenhall and are shepherded into a holding pen while the screams of a man being tortured rip through the air.
Back at Renly's camp, Baelish goes to visit Catelyn. She is furious, ordering him out of her tent. He tells her that he's always loved her but she grabs a knife and you can tell she wants to drive it right into his fucking face. He backs away but tells her that he can help her get her daughters back and she is clearly affected, lowering the knife. Baelish tells her that the Lannisters will swap Jaime for the two girls. She scoffs at the idea, telling Baelish that Robb will dismiss it out of hand. Baelish replies that he's not making the offer to Robb, bringing in a token from Tyrion of his good faith: a chest with Ned's bones in. Baelish finally leaves and Catelyn weeps before slamming the lid shut, a steely resolve on her face. Don't do it, Catelyn!
The dawn breaks in Harrenhall and the prisoners are made ready for the arrival of Gregor "The Mountain" Clegane (Ian Whyte, replacing Conan Stevens, who had to drop out due to a scheduling conflict). Gregor inspects them and then picks one to be tortured. The man is dragged off and tortured as they ask him questions about "The Brotherhood".
Renly and Stannis (Stephen Dillane) are reunited. There is no love lost between the brothers, however. Renly mocks his brothers standard, asking why the stag is on fire. Melisandre (Carice van Houten) replies that Stannis has taken the Lord of Light as his god. Renly says that he has always seen his elder brother as charmless, rigid and a bore but never godly. Melisandre tells him that he should kneel before his brother, who has been anointed as the Lord of Light's chosen, born amid salt and smoke. Renly then gets the second-best line of the episode, asking if, being born among salt and smoke means that Stannis is a ham. Catelyn tells them that if they were her sons, she would knock their heads together and to remember that they are brothers. Stannis replies that he is surprised to see her riding with Renly given that Ned was a supporter of his claim to the Iron Throne. She tells him that they have a common foe but Stannis insists that any who oppose his claim are his foes. Renly replies that everyone denies his claim because no-one wants him to be King. Stannis makes him a final offer, giving him until the next dawn to join with him. If he accepts, he will be rewarded with a place on his Small Council and named as his successor, until his son is born. If he refuses, he will destroy him. They ride off and Melisandre leaves him with a final warning to look to his sins as the night is dark and full of terrors. Oooh, mysterious! "I loved him, once", Renly remarks as he rides off.
Daenerys and her retinue have finally reached the gates of Qarth where they are received by the Thirteen. A man known only as the Spice King (Nicholas Bane) greets them and tells Daenerys that they want to see her dragons. She asks to see her people fed first. He tells her that some members of the Thirteen doubt that she really has dragons and she objects, telling him that where she comes from, guests are greeted with respect. He suggests that perhaps she should go back there and walks off. Furious, Daenerys says that she was promised a reception. We've given you one, the Spice King replies. Daenerys says that if they aren't let in, they will die. He's sympathetic but tells her that Qarth would not be the city it was if they let any old Dothraki hoard through their gates. The Thirteen walk back to the gates and Jorah tells Daenerys to be careful but she ignores him, raging to the Thirteen, telling them that if they do not let them in, when her dragons are grown, they will burn cities to the ground, starting with Qarth. The Spice King tells her that she is a true Targaryen but notes that her threat is worthless as she had said that her khalasar would all die if they were refused entry. One of the other members of the Thirteen finally speaks up. Xaro Xhoan Daxos (Nonso Anozie) notes that fearfully turning away a young woman would not be becoming of the great city of Qarth. The Spice King and the others still refuse to budge so Xaro invokes Sumai: he will vouch for her, offering his own life in the process. The gates are opened and they are granted entry to Qarth.
Back at Harrenhall, Gregor picks the next man to be tortured and it's Gendry. Fortunately before the torturers can get started, Tywin Lannister (Charles Dance) returns. The prisoners all fall to their knees, apart from Arya. Tywin questions why able-bodied men are being tortured to death and not used as labourers, questioning Gendry as to his trade. One of the guards notices Arya is not kneeling and orders her to kneel or he will cut his (her) lungs out. Lovely. Tywin replies that he will do no such thing because Arya is a girl. Finally, someone notices! Arya tells him that she travels as a boy for safety and he notes her intelligence, something apparently lacking in his own men. He orders the prisoners released and put to work except for Arya, who will become his new cup-bearer.
Lancel Lannister delivers a message from the Queen to Tyrion asking him to release Grand Maester Pycelle. Tyrion questions Lancel as to Cersei's trust in him and his willingness to take orders from her. Lancel protests, telling Tyrion that he is a knight. Tyrion wonders aloud if Cersei made him a knight before or after she started sleeping with him. Lancel protests that he was just doing as he was told to do, first by Tyrion's father and then by the Queen. Tyrion asks if his father told him to fuck her too and Lancel begs for mercy as Tyrion tells him he will go to Joffrey and tell him everything. Lancel offers to do anything and Tyrion takes him up on the offer. He tells him to carry on as usual, do everything as usual with one exception: he must tell Tyrion everything the Queen does, says and is told by others. Lancel pathetically agrees and tells him to go back to the Queen and tell her that he'll release Pycelle in the morning but will not let him back on the Small Council.
Stannis is onboard his ship, joined by Davos Seaworth (Liam Cunningham). He questions why Davos still keeps the knuckles from his severed fingers in a bag around his neck and Davos says that it reminds him of where he has come from, where he is now and of Stannis' justice. Stannis tells him that good deeds do not wash away bad ones as bad ones do not wash away the good, asking him if he still remembers his old smugglers tricks. Any shore, any night, Davos replies. Stannis tells him that he will take Melisandre ashore and that he will not speak of it again to anyone.
Davos rows Melisandre into a cave on a shore somewhere. She tells him that she is a knight herself, of sorts - of light and life. As they come ashore in the cave, she tells him that she knows that he wants to see beneath her robe. They walk through the caves, coming to one that has been barred with iron bars. Davos notes that they were not here before as Melisandre takes her robe off to reveal that she's heavily pregnant. What the fuck? Well, never mind that because the next two minutes are even more of a mindfuck. She sits down on the floor as the lantern suddenly burns much brighter. Melisandre goes into labour, her stomach pulsating. From between her legs, something is born. Something made of smoke. Something that drags its way out of her before forming itself into a shadowy two-legged creature in front of us.
What the fuck! What the fuck was that?!?! Things have certainly picked up again now! Last week I warned that another episode of stalled plotlines would see my ratings start to slip but boy have things turned around! This episode was absolutely fantastic and easily the best of the series so far. Arya is being drawn deeper into the heart of the Lannisters; Robb is victorious in battle once more; Baelish schemes and oozes all over Catelyn again; Stannis and Renly face off for what will not be the last time; Tyrion further secures his position and Daenerys finally gets more than two minutes on screen! Oh, and something shadowy crawled out of Melisandre's vagina. She might be my favourite new character and not just because she's always taking her clothes off.
I can only hope that next week's episode is as good as this week's. The script is magnificent as usual, full of hilarious quips and great back-and-forths between the characters. The acting is top-notch and it looks absolutely wonderful. I really do run out of superlatives for this show sometimes so perhaps all that's left to do is give it a rating.
9 out of 10.
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