HOLY FUCKING SHIT! WHAT THE FUCK!?!? Sorry, I'm still recovering from the mindfuck ending to last week's episode. Well, at least things should calm back down again now.
Calm down they do. Catelyn is in Renly's tent, negotiating with him. Renly (Gethin Anthony). She promises that Robb will not seek the Iron Throne and in return Renly agrees to recognise the north's independence - as long as Robb swears an oath of loyalty to him. Catelyn is still uneasy about his feud with his brother but Renly reiterates his pledge to annihilate Stannis' army the next day. The wind blows strongly, ripping the tent's door open and something black and misty comes creeping in along the floor. Oh shit. Brienne (Gwendoline Christe) gasps as it takes the form of a figure behind Renly, stabbing him in the chest. OH SHIT! Quick as a flash, it melts back into the ether and Renly collapses into Brienne's arms. Members of the King's Guard burst in, falsely assuming that Brienne killed Renly. Catelyn tries to stop them but Brienne kills them with consummate ease before collapsing, grief-stricken, onto Renly's dead body. She doesn't want to leave him but Catelyn points out that she can't avenge him if she's caught and lynched. Together, they sneak out of the back.
News of Renly's death has spread quickly and by dawn, his men are in chaos. Some are looting, some fleeing and some, like Loras (Finn Jones) and Margaery Tyrell (Natalie Dormer) remain. Petyr Baelish walks into the tent, telling them that Stannis will arrive within the hour and take oaths of loyalty from all of Renly's former bannermen, adding that unless they want to be sold out by one of them, they should flee. Loras draws his sword but Baelish points out that he came to them, not Stannis. Margaery believes that Brienne killed Renly, as does everyone else, but Loras does not. Baelish points out that Stannis stood to gain the most from Renly's death and tells him that in order to seek his revenge, he must beat a retreat. His sister pleads with him and he storms off wordlessly. Margaery muses to Baelish that if calling yourself a king doesn't make you one, then that doesn't make her a queen either. He asks her if she wants to be a queen and she replies that she doesn't - she wants to be the Queen.
Word of Renly's death has reached King's Landing. Queen Cersei is pleased but Tyrion points out that Renly's army has flocked to join Stannis, giving him an advantage on land and on sea. She seems more concerned with Myrcella's impending departure than with Stannis' impending arrival, telling her brother that Joffrey is taking care of siege preparations. He asks for specifics but she brushes him off. Tyrion decides to make use of his new spy, Lancel (Eugene Simon). Lancel tells him that the Queen has commissioned the Alchemists' Guild to make wildfire. Tyrion threatens to tell Jaime about his affair with the Queen but Lancel insists he is telling the truth, swearing on the seven. Tyrion has heard enough, cutting him off before he can finish and remarking that even torturing him is boring. Lancel leaves the carriage they were hiding in, tripping on his way out. Tyrion tells Lancel to tell Bronn that he is to kill Lancel should anything happen to him. Lancel tells Bronn (Jerome Flynn), who was standing right next to him, who remarks that it would be his pleasure.
Stannis (Stephen Dillane) and Davos (Liam Cunningham) walk through Renly's former camp. Davos wants to talk about what he saw in the cave but Stannis refuses. Entering Renly's tent, Stannis tells Davos that with the exception of the Tyrells, all of Renly's men have joined him and soon, he will be on the Iron Throne. Davos tries to tell Stannis that nothing is worth what he's doing, not even the Iron Throne but Stannis tells him that the matter is closed. Davos asks Stannis if Melisandre will accompany him to King's Landing, telling him that she's a foreigner and some think he takes orders from her. Stannis asks Davos what he thinks and Davos replies that just as he took Renly's bannermen, she could take them from him too. Stannis replies that Melisandre will not accompany them and that Davos will lead the fleet. Davos points out that he was a smuggler and does not have experience leading a fleet, something which will anger the other lords. Stannis is unconcerned, remarking that the lords should be grateful he doesn't have them executed for treason.
Tyrion and Bronn walk through the streets of King's Landing, wondering what to do about Stannis' greater numbers. Bronn suggests Tywin but Tyrion says that he hasn't heard from his father in weeks - he's too busy getting his ass kicked by Robb Stark. Coming upon a public speaker who is railing against Joffrey, Tyrion remarks that he's not wrong. When the speaker suggests that Joffrey's strings are being pulled by a demon monkey, Tyrion loses him. Bronn points out that he's the demon monkey, Tyrion replies that he's trying to save the city.
Theon arrives at the port to take command of his first ship, the Sea Bitch. The crew arrive and he tries to assert his authority but they take little interest in him. The ship's captain patronises and belittles Theon, telling him that he's been doing the job himself well enough for years. Yara (Gemma Whelan) turns up, boasting of her fleet's size and loyalty as the crew row off without him. She walks off as the first mate, Dagmer (Ralph Ineson) turns up, introducing himself to Theon. Dagmer readies his boat as Theon complains that he has no respect from his men and has been given a task that will earn him none either. Dagmer points out that Iron Islanders don't always do as they're told and Theon notes that the Stormy Shore isn't far from Torrhen's Square. He muses that although they could take Torrhen's Square, they wouldn't be able to hold it once Winterfell got word that it had been taken but trails off as he realises what that means...
Tywin Lannister (Charles Dance) is holding a war council with his generals as Arya serves them. His cousin, Reginald Lannister (Patrick Fitzsymons) remarks that the Starks have over-stretched their supply lines and Amory Lorch (Fintan McKeown) says that there are rumours of growing discontent among the lords in the Stark forces. Tywin dismisses them, pointing out that the Starks are from the North and hence much better at coping with the cold and reduced supplies and that such rumours would probably be true of the lords in their forces too. Tywin laments that they have underestimated Robb, waiting for him to fail when he is too good a general for that. Reginald suggests that they retire to bed and Tywin snaps at him, sending him home and telling him that were they not related, he would have him scrubbing pots or executed. He walks off and Tywin questions Arya, asking her where she is from. She lies that she is from Maidenpool but when she cannot name the ruling house's sigil, he sees through her lie. He asks again and she admits that she is from the North but lies again, this time saying she is from Barrowton. Tywin wants to know what they say about Robb Stark in the North and Arya replies that he is called the "Young Wolf", he rides into battle on the back of a giant direwolf, can turn into a wolf himself and cannot be killed. Tywin asks if she believes them and she replies that she does not, adding that anyone can be killed. Pretty much the motto for the series, that. Pity no-one told Renly.
Arya goes to fetch water from the well, running into Jaqen H'ghar (Tom Wlaschiha), whom she freed from the cage when they were attacked and captured by the Lannister forces. He is now dressed in a Lannister uniform, telling Arya that he always knew she was a girl. She replies that he's one of them now and wishes that she had let him burn. Jaqen points out that they both work for the Lannisters now. She protests but he tells her that they both had a choice. He tells her that the Red God is owed three lives - his and the two others that were in the cage. He tells her that only death can pay for life and offers to kill any three people that she names. For her first name, she asks for the torturer, The Tickler.
North of The Wall, the men of the Night's Watch trudge through the snow, on their way to the Fist of the First Men to await Qhorin Halfhand. They arrive at the hill and begin setting up camp. Samwell Tarly (John Bradley) is overwhelmed by the history and majesty of the place. Jon hears a blast from a horn in the distance, telling the others that a single blast is given for returning rangers and two for wildlings. Three for white walkers, Samwell adds.
Tyrion and Bronn have paid a visit to the Alchemists' Guild. Pyromancer Hallyne (Roy Dotrice) is showing Tyrion some wildfire, which he claims can burn through wood, stone, steel... and flesh. After the Taragaryen's dragons died out, he tells them that wildfire was the key to their power. Bronn snorts, not believing the old man's tales. Hallyne insists that his order has been perfecting wildfire since the days of Maegor Targaryen and that in battle, jars of it are loaded into catapults and fired at the enemy. As Hallyne leads them off to inspect the stores of wildfire, Bronn explains his concerns, that even with professional soldiers, one jar out of ten would hit the enemy. However, all the best soldiers are off being humiliated by Robb Stark in the Riverlands and that in the heat of battle, with the enemy firing missiles back, even professional soldiers will panic, breaking their own jars and burning the city down. Hallyne complains that under King Aerys, he would not dare to criticise the order. Bronn replies that he's dead and all the wildfire he had couldn't save him. Hallyne opens the door and Tyrion steps into the store room, which is full of rows and rows of jars - 7,811 according to the pyromancer, enough to burn both Stannis' army and his fleet. Tyrion tells Hallyne that he won't be making wildfire for his sister any more, he'll be making it for him.
In Qarth, Daenerys and Doreah (Roxanne McKee) feed one of her dragons while Irri (Amrita Acharia) works on her outfit for that evening. Doreah is impressed by the dress Xaro had made for her but Daenerys remarks that the last time a rich man made a dress for her, she was married away. She tells Doreah that she knows very little of Xaro, adding that men talk about each other when they're happy, smiling at her. Doreah smiles back and Irri tells her that she should wear the dress Xaro made for her.
At the celebration in Xaro's gardens, Daenerys sees Jorah talking to two of her khalasar, who are eyeing up a large golden bird. Jorah tells her that they are arguing about the best way to steal it. She forbids them to steal it so they settle for pinching a couple of golden cups instead. Pyat Pree (Ian Hanmore) introduces himself with a magic trick, inviting Daenerys to visit the House of the Undying. Xaro (Nonso Anozie) apologises for his compatriot's theatrics, telling Daenerys that the House of the Undying is full of dusty books and potions that softens their minds. Xaro and Daenerys walk off to talk and a masked woman called Quaithe (Laura Pradelska) talks to Jorah. She tells him that Daenerys needs protecting from those who would steal her dragons.
Catelyn and Brienne, having made good their escape are preparing to make camp for the night. Brienne thinks that the shadow that killed Renly looked like Stannis but Catelyn disagrees. Just a day away from Robb's camp, Catelyn plans to tell him what happened to Renly before returning to Winterfell. Brienne just wants to kill Stannis and regrets leaving Renly but Catelyn insists it was the right thing to do, telling her that Renly's enemies are Robb's enemies too. Brienne replies that she does not know Robb but she does know Catelyn and offers to serve her, praising her courage. She makes Catelyn swear that she will not hold her back from Stannis when the time comes, which she does. Brienne then draws her sword and swears an oath to serve Catelyn. Hmm, not sure that's a good idea Catelyn. Her record so far is one master served, one master killed under her nose.
Bran (Isaac Hempstead-Wright) is hearing more appeals from the people of the North. He hears the last one and is about to go for a ride when Rodrik Cassel (Ron Donachie) arrives with news of the siege of Torrhen's Square. Bran wants to send help and Rodrik says that he can round up 200 decent men. Maester Luwin (Donald Sumpter) asks if he needs so many but Bran says that if they can't defend their own bannermen, they will have no reason to stay loyal. Outside, Bran prepares to go for his ride. He talks to Osha (Natalia Tena) about his dream but she remains cryptic. He tells her that in his dream, the sea comes to Winterfell, flooding the castle and drowning everyone, including Rodrik. He asks her what they say about the three-eyed raven north of The Wall but she only says that they say crazy things beyond The Wall.
Qhorin Halfhand (Simon Armstrong) has finally joined up with the Night's Watch. He points out a fire in the distance - a wildling camp. Should the wildlings spot them advancing, they would use the fire to signal to Mance Rayder. He reports that Mance is ready to move south and that they can't just advance on him and meet him in open battle nor can they wait for him where they are. As Mance was a member of the Night's Watch, he knows how they work and has made the wildlings more disciplined. If they are acting more like us, Halfhand says, we need to act more like them. They should sneak in, kill Mance and scatter the rest. He requests the three best rangers and Jon asks to go with him. The Lord Commander (James Cosmo) refuses at first but when Samwell offers to take up Jon's duties, he agrees.
Evening has fallen in Qarth and Xaro has become much more blunt, asking Daenerys how long Jorah has been in love with her. She replies that he is a friend and an adviser. Xaro asks her what she wants and she tells him that she wants to conquer the Seven Kingdoms and take the Iron Throne. She questions his motives, saying that he is a conqueror too but less ambitious than she is and asking him what he wants and why he bled for her at the city gates. He shows her his personal vault and tells her that if she marries him, she can have half of it, enough to buy horses, ships and an army large enough to conquer the Seven Kingdoms. He comments that he has more ambition than she thought, telling her the news that King Robert is dead. Jorah is decidedly less taken with Xaro's offer than Daenerys is. She wants to move right away but he advises caution, telling her that she needs support as well as an army and questioning Xaro's motives, pointing out that rich men don't get rich by giving away more than they have. She is irritated by his abundance of caution, asking him what he wants. He wants to see her on the Iron Throne, telling her that she has more than just a good claim, she has a gentle heart, that she is not just someone who could rule but someone who should rule. She asks what he would have her do and he says that she only needs one ship because all her allies are in Westeros. She tells him to get her the ship and he leaves.
Back in Harrenhal, Arya is giving Gendry (Joe Dempsie) tips on sword fighting, much to his amusement. A scream breaks their awkward silence and they rush off to find The Tickler (Anthony Morris), lying dead on the floor. Arya looks up to the battlements and sees Jaqen, who signals to her.
Well, that summary was a lot longer than I thought it was going to be! So much happened in this episode but obviously the main event was Renly's death. That totally threw me. I had thought that if a Baratheon was to die, Stannis would be the one to go but apparently not! No Melisandre in this episode but her pervasive influence is clear to see. Theon's treachery (or return from treachery, depending on which way you look at it) is seemingly complete. Showdown with his former friend Robb Stark, anyone? Anyone else wondering what Tyrion's going to do with the wildfire that he seemingly wants for himself? Could he entertain the dream of sitting on the Iron Throne himself? And what will Arya do with her two other free assassinations? I don't think she'll ask Jaqen to kill Tywin Lannister, she'd see that as dishonourable and he is an honourable man. I think she'll get him to kill Gregor Clegane and possibly Polliver, the soldier who took Needle from her.
Perhaps the biggest conundrum of all is the one that faces Daenerys. Will she marry the creepy and suspicious Xaro? Jorah comes the closest he has ever done to admitting his feelings for her but she knows how he feels about her and he knows that she knows. She must know that she can't accept his offer and I think (or hope) that she will take Jorah's advice and end up sailing back to Westeros with him. Then again, George R. R. Martin being the bastard that he is, he'll probably kill off Jorah. Finally, there's Bran's dream. I think we all know what that represents - the Iron Islands are coming for you!
Best episode of the series so far? Almost certainly, yes! The fairly slow start to the series has been completely forgotten and we're powering ahead now. The only disappointment is that we've passed the halfway point and in five weeks time, we'll be over a year away from more new episodes of the best fucking programme on television.
10 out of 10.
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