Well, this review ended up being a lot longer than I thought it would! If you want to skip my concise and well-written ramblings about what happened and cut to the chase, my conclusions, mutterings and look ahead to series three are to be found in the final three paragraphs.
Trapped at the top of Mount Vesuvius, things aren't looking good for the rebels. Spartacus and Mira are discussing their situation: they have very little wood or food and the Romans have set up camp at the base of the volcano. He says that she always finds words of comfort to pull him back from the brink. I hope your next girl can do the same, she replies. Their moment is interrupted by Crixus and Gannicus: some of the Germans are sneaking down the path to launch a sneak attack on the Romans. Down on the ground, Ashur is teasing Glaber's new captain, Salvius (Paul Glover), when the attack comes. Men on both sides are killed and the rebels are disarmed but as Ashur is preparing to execute them, Spartacus and the rest of the rebels launch upon the Romans and rescue them, Ashur taking an arrow to the arm for his trouble. All seems to have gone swimmingly, until they are just about to head back up the path when Salvius launches an axe at Spartacus' head. It misses him and slams straight into Mira's chest. Spartacus carries her back up the hill, pulling the weapon from her chest but as he lays her down and starts giving orders Naevia sadly shakes her head - she is dead. Spartacus goes mad, beating the shit out of Nemetes who says that at least she died like a warrior. Something clicks inside Spartacus and he gives another heroic speech about how Vesuvius will be stained with the blood of vengeance.
In the Roman camp, Glaber executes the only rebel to be captured and tells Ashur that he is patient and will wait for Spartacus to be driven mad by hunger. Meanwhile, Ilithyia and Lucretia are on the move. Lucretia thinks she should remain at the villa but Ilithyia is determined not to give birth there. Ilithyia tells her that after the baby is born, they'll live in Rome together. Lucretia's face falls as she tells of Ashur's promised reward - her. Ilithyia is shocked she hasn't told her but Lucretia has a plan...
Back on high, Gannicus reports to Spartacus that the men are restless. He praises him as a bold strategist and calls him a brother, the two embracing happily. Glaber's machinations are interrupted by Lucretia and Ilithyia's arrival. Ilithyia practically runs into his arms and the couple seem reinvigorated by the blood of poor Seppia. She tries to convince him to let her go to Rome but he refuses. A few well-placed words and she convinces him that he should attack the rebels, regardless of the losses his army would suffer. Then, she takes Sepius' bracelet out and gives it to him, telling him some nonsense about Ashur giving it to Seppius in the hope of fleeing Glaber's sinking ship and getting himself in Seppia and Varinius' good graces. Glaber will deal with Ashur but makes it clear that Lucretia knows too much and must be silenced too... Ashur, blissfully unaware that Ilithyia is stabbing him in the back is perving over Lucretia again, metaphorically licking her face with his poisonous words. The two women hurriedly take their leave as Glaber emerges to confront Ashur. He tries his best but the slippery Syrian snake can't talk his way out of this one. Glaber buys his men's loyalty and Ashur knows all is lost. He reminds Glaber that he took an oath for him and Glaber intends to hold him to it.
Spartacus is wrapping Mira's body in vines when word comes that a Roman approaches - it's Ashur, bearing Glaber's offer: surrender and you will be spared, allowed to live as slaves once more. The price? Spartacus must die. The answer's a pretty obvious "fuck off" but as Ashur turns to leave, Crixus has a better idea - the Syrian's severed head will make just as good an answer. Crixus wants to kill him but Naevia wants to do it herself. Of all of them, she has suffered the most at his hand. Taking up a sword, Ashur says that he will willingly die if it means he can kill Crixus' bitch first. Probably not the best thing to say when you're surrounded by rebels but hey, it's what he does. They duel and Ashur clearly has the upper hand, cutting her and teasing her. As she falls, Crixus moves to jump in and help but she refuses, preferring to do it or die by herself. He puts her on her knees but as he gloats, she elbows him in the balls and cuts the side of his neck, falling to his own knees. My death will not heal memory of my cock inside you, he says to her, nor of all the ones to come when you are defeated. No, she replies, but it is a start, hacking his head off his shoulders. They celebrate and the rebels make clear that they follow Spartacus to their deaths but he has a plan...
That evening, Salvius delivers Ashur's head to Glaber who smiles and tells him to have the men prepare for a dawn attack. Back in Capua, Lucretia is stood on the balcony overlooking the cliff and the two women praise each other unconvincingly. Lucretia's back to her, Ilithyia raises her hands and advances on her... Lucretia turns and looks in surprise: Ilithyia's water has broken. Back on the top of Vesuvius, the rebels have made rope out of the vines. Apparently there weren't enough of them to wrap all of their bodies up, but there were enough to make four ropes several hundred feet long and strong enough to support a man's weight. Makes perfect sense. Spartacus delivers one final speech and he, Crixus, Gannicus and Agron start descending the side of the volcano. As Oenomaus moves the rest of the rebels into position, the four drop down and silently kill the guards, moving through the watch post and killing the rest of the soldiers stationed there. At the temple, Glaber is unable to sleep when suddenly the camp erupts into flames and he sounds the alarm. At the watch post, the four rebels have turned the Roman's own catapults on them and sending flaming artillery hurling towards them. Meanwhile, Ilithyia is in labour and Lucretia tells her that the guards have been dispatched to bring the medicus, who had journeyed into the city, not expecting the baby to be born for several weeks yet.
As flaming artillery rains down on their heads, Glaber gathers the remainder of his men and prepares to attack the four rebels. But... surprise! They're caught off guard as the other rebels come running down the volcano's path and smash into the side of their formation. Battle is met! The carnage that ensues is nothing compared to what's happening in Capua. Lucretia staggers back into Ilithyia's chambers, covered in blood and carrying a knife. She brutally stabs the last slave in the house and advances on Ilithyia. His men falling, left, right and centre, Glaber orders the retreat. Lucretia, meanwhile, is advancing. "Are we not friends?! Are we not?" Ilithyia begs. "The very best", Lucretia replies, stony-faced. She begs for her life, and for her child's life. "Your child? You are but a vessel, carrying a gift from the gods to the House of Batiatus", Lucretia says. She looks utterly deranged as she advances on her BFF. "Now then, let us see it unwrapped" she adds as Ilithyia screams. I was on the edge of my seat... is this the end for Lady Macbeth?!?!
The rebels advance on the fleeing Romans but Ashur's men do not flee. Oenomaus and Gannicus fight together until Oenomaus is stabbed in the chest by the Egyptian warrior. Gannicus chops the side of his head off for him and embraces his fallen brother. "I go to my wife's arms. We shall greet you in the afterlife... my brother" he says as he dies in Gannicus' arms. I had tears in my eyes.
Glaber's men make a final stand at the temple and the rebels throw themselves over the wall, slaughtering at will. I have to say, the whole time I was asking myself why Glaber didn't just sneak out of the tunnels at the back like the rebels themselves did. Guess I'm more cowardly than he is. Back in Capua, Lucretia walks across the courtyard, Ilithyia's baby in her arms. With a Herculean effort, Ilithyia drags herself after her, screaming at her. Spartacus advances, killing Salvius and meeting Glaber in the final battle! "Quintus always wanted a son", Lucretia says. "Because of you, we shall have one". "Is she going to do what I think she's going to do?" I asked myself. Yes. Lucretia takes one last look at Ilithyia and falls backwards off the cliff, taking the baby with her. Ilithyia, looking as shocked as I felt, collapses on the ground. Spartacus and Glaber are locked in deadly combat, "I will not die at the hands of a fucking slave!" Glaber spits. "I am a free man!" Spartacus replies, driving his sword into Glaber's gut. "The Roman finally learns his place before us", he says, twisting his blade and sending Glaber to his knees. Like so many before him, Glaber tells Spartacus that his death means nothing, that Rome will send legions after him and he WILL die at their hand. Spartacus lifts his chin and tells him, "Perhaps. Yet it is not this day!" And with that, he drives his sword down through Glaber's open mouth as he flashes back to his wife's abduction, finally taking his vengeance! His men cheering, Spartacus tells them that Rome can send their legions for they will face them and kill them all. The rebels chant his name and the curtain falls on the episode and the series.
Phew! What a way to end the series! So much carnage, where to begin? It's only right that I begin by praising the actors, especially Viva Bianca, Craig Parker, Lucy Lawless and Nick Tarabay. I can pay them no higher tribute than to say that when they died I was genuinely disappointed. I knew their deaths were coming, but to wish the "bad guys" well and even, perhaps, wish them victorious over Spartacus just shows how well these absolute bastards were played by the actors. Which brings me to my only criticism of the finale: the way Ilithyia's death was handled. Yes, I've said it twice now: she's dead. Until I read an interview with creater/producer/writer/Spartacus head honcho Steven S. DeKnight, I had no idea Ilithyia was dead. I was expecting her to die, but the way it was done makes it look like she just collapses from exhaustion and emotion. Apparently not. In the interview (which can be found here: http://insidetv.ew.com/2012/03/30/spartacus-finale-spoilers-died/), DeKnight is asked if Ilithyia is really dead and he replies, "I'm here to tell you she's dead... I kinda half kicked myself about not going back... and CGI'ing some blood trickle out of her mouth. But I can confirm she's dead." Yeah, you really dropped the ball on that one, Steven. Both Viva Bianca and her character deserved better than an unintentionally ambiguous ending.
Ilithyia's death aside, the final moments of the other fallen characters (Mira, Ashur, Oenomaus, Lucretia and Glaber) were great and truly fitting for their character. Mira died to save Spartacus, Ashur was as acid-tongued as ever, Oenomaus finally forgave his brother, Lucretia goes to join her husband in the Afterlife and Glaber got what's been coming to him for quite a while. The phallic imagery of Spartacus thrusting his sword down Glaber's open mouth didn't escape me and I bet it didn't escape you either, dear reader. What's coming in the next series? Well, as DeKnight says in the interview, series three will introduce two new foes for Spartacus: Marcus Licinius Crassus, who really did pursue Spartacus in real life and Julius Caesar, who almost certainly did not. Spartacus has never been historically accurate so it's understandable that they'd want to bring in such a recognisable figure. God, January 2013 seems like such a long way away...
My disappointment over the way Ilithyia's death was handled aside, this was a brilliant episode. Beloved characters died in truly fitting ways, the tension was ramped up to eleven and the blood and gore wasn't just spooned on, it was emptied out of buckets. Liam McIntyre has done Andy Whitfield proud and simultaneously made the character his own.
Ilithyia boob watch: Sadly, nothing from poor Ilithyia or any other character.
10 out of 10.
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